Honest Lies

My results were better than expected. Still not enough to get me into university, but it gives me hope that I can get there. Just a little more effort, hopefully. I got a C in both my maths modules!!  :D And I got an A in RE!! :D And yeah there were some U’s and D’s but damnit, I did better than I ever thought I could.

Telling my dad was awkward and tense and I had to fight back tears even though he didn’t say anything bad and was totally cool about it. It was just one of those moments with that really tense uncomfortable atmosphere. I’m not sure what my dad really thinks (it felt like he wanted to say something and he had that critical expression on his face which scared me a little even though his words didn’t betray what he may or may not be thinking and I’m probably just being paranoid anyway…). I refused to discuss anything with him, and maybe I hurt him a little bit with my sharp remarks and my silence and blunt replies but I don’t know how to communicate with him (too scared). Tonight we’re going grocery shopping together. I could see it being rather awkward :/

It’s over now though. And it was better than expected in many ways, even if not amazing.

In other news my friend gave me my birthday present today. LET THE RIGHT ONE IN ON DVD!!!! Can’t wait to watch it. :D

Listening: Kagrra- 忘却の果ての凍えた孤独

Last Thursday I had my usual CBT appointment where I was informed that it could be my last. Knowing it would be results day I requested once last appointment but still, I know I am better. Although I still don’t feel 100% right I no longer feel like I did last year. I am past the depression, now it’s just a case of dealing with the usual pain and stress of life.

It is strange thinking back on the time before I went to the doctor, I don’t remember having so many appointments but I have. And although I still feel embarrassed and awkward before, during and after them they have helped. Before I felt like I was going crazy, I didn’t know what I was feeling or why or whether it was normal or not. At my lowest during the middle of last year I gave up and reached the most severe point. But I reminded myself of my dreams, that I had friends and a loving family etc and I picked myself up and got on with it. But I was still not “right”. Although I could package the feelings and store them away, in the end they didn’t go away so easily. I’d force them away, then after a week or so it’d build up I’d break down and feel like shit and the cycle would repeat. So in one of my bad moments I decided, purely on a whim I was sick of it so I went to the doctor. I was diagnosed and then referred to someone else for CBT. This has been the best for me. Because all I was doing before was shoving the feelings down so I could get on with it. But I had no confidence, and I would react to everything. Even if I didn’t show it, my thoughts were completely irrational and I felt crazy and weird. Now I understand more what I feel, why I am feeling it and how to deal with it properly instead of just putting it to the back of my mind. Those old feelings are no longer. I’ve dealt with them, I’m moving past my insecurities and worries and over-sensitivity of the past. I’m learning how to rationalise my thoughts, how to perceive situations as they are instead of jumping to conclusions etc.

But, although I no longer think this is “depression”, and I think it’s right I no longer need the doctor, I still don’t feel 100% ‘right’ and there’s still a lot going on in my life threatening to pull me back into that awful despair.

Take, for example today. Which to be honest- sucked. Let’s see:

a) Results day. I did better than expected, but not amazing. And then everyone else has A’s and shit. I mean I work just as hard as them don’t I? I won’t give you my results. Most internet geeks are really clever and when people blog their results they are always A’s and B’s so I don’t think I want to give mine. Shock horror, I am not an intelligent geek.
b) Parents evening. Tonight. And I still haven’t told my mom my results. How do you bring it up? HOW?!
c) Yet another university doesn’t offer Japanese with engineering (do any? because so far my options are… none. No, one university does. Yeah.).

Today sucks. No, this week sucks. No. life sucks.
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It’s amazing how calm I feel despite it. On one hand It’s almost like “failure” is something normal, something I accept by now. I no longer feel hopelessness because I no longer have hope. Everything just is. On the other I know it’s not like I can allow myself to be affected by this stuff, because then I’ll just end up like last year- depressed.

And what can you do anyway? What is done is done, holding onto regret for the past- well as I said, you’ll only end up depressed. In regards to a) I can retake the exams and do better next time. As for b) it could end not as bad as I think. Maybe my parents will understand, maybe the teachers will have good things to say about me. Why worry endlessly if you know you’re thoughts will take you to places you don’t want to go?

But I do worry.

I know I need at least BBBB for uni and as my maths teacher said to me, it will be extremely difficult for me to get a B. I probably am not even clever enough for my own dream (of being an engineer working in Japan. The former isn’t set, but the latter is my desperate it-needs-to-come-true-else-I’ll-fall-apart kind of dream).

So as for c) … I try not to think of that. Because learning Japanese and going to work and live in Japan is my only set dream. You know I have dreams but they are little things and I don’t really know or desperately need/want anything from the future… only the one thing I really want, just the one thing is to get to Japan. It started out noobishly with “Anime, Manga” kind of immature stuff but the dream has only developed, become a full love for Japan and it’s culture. Yes, it’s not the perfect country but still… I want to go to Japan. I’m sick of reading about it, I want to live it and experience it for myself. I’m willing to wait for no matter how long…just a few years though, not forever obviously lol. But at the end of the day I will need to speak Japanese to get the most out of living there. Already I have had no opportunity to have classes now, nor is taking the JLPT an option for me either. So I want to take it at uni and I also want to study abroad, so I can experience Japan for a year and if I don’t like it then I at least have the experience, and studying abroad looks good on CVs and shit. But again that something only available to clever people, and also you know… not many UK uni’s offer it as an option. I should expect that, because Japan mainly has ties with the US over the UK but still- why is it so hopeless? It’s the one thing I desperately want but yet.., the more I research uni’s and stuff (believe me I am researching my options) the more impossible it all seems. And it’s my dream and I cannot imagine giving up on it. I don’t know what I will do if I cannot get it.

OK, now I’m on the verge of crying. Every time I think about it the tears come.

I try and imagine the future but I cannot because I have no idea where I am going to be in 5, 10 years time because I don’t feel good enough to achieve the future I want for myself. No. Every sign is that I am not good enough to achieve what I want.
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But I don’t want to give up on this dream…

The exam on Tuesday was awful in every sense of the word. It was very long and complicated but we only had 1 hour and 20 minutes and at some point I began to panic because I didn’t know anything and it was just terrible. They even asked stuff that I swear I hadn’t been taught…and indeed we never had anything about compressive force graphs and there was a very long question on it. Oh it was bad. So bad. I just babbled for the sake of it, wishing and hoping at least something would be correct. Although I couldn’t finished all of it, some things I couldn’t even make up. Not to mention at the end you know how they signal for each row to leave one row at a time so the people still with exams won’t get disturbed? I got up and left with the row next to mine. My friend wouldn’t stop laughing at me ;_; Completely embarrassing and not helpful after the stress of the exam.

Now just one more exam to fail and then it’s OVER. I have gotten to the point where even if it kills to know that I have indeed failed and will probably need to retake, I have actually accepted my failure and cannot even be bothered to revise. But I mustn’t think this way, I know, so I will do my best for the next exam. That is all I can do really.

This week has been pretty bad also just because I’m so exhausted right now. That horrible heavy feeling where every movement feels like just too much effort, being unable to concentrate, constantly blanking out, not wanting to talk, not wanting to eat (or pigging out on junk just to give a little energy so I can feel alive)… not to mention at night I go to bed feeling exhausted but end up lying awake for at least an hour and then cannot wake up in the morning. Today was especially bad because I woke up at around 4am and was about to get up when I realised the time and went back to sleep, or I tried and couldn’t for about 30 minutes. Then I woke up again at 6am and finally at 7am I barely was awake and feel right back into deep, peaceful sleep. Of course for the second time this week I was late. And just as I was signing into school I bumped into my teacher o_o But thankfully she understood with exams and all that. I think she may think I’m stressed, so I’ll let her think that if it means she is not angry at me for constantly missing registration.

I don’t know why but for some reason the depression this week is really bad (this is probably why I am so exhausted) I at some point allowed myself to slip back into the stage where I want nothing more than to just give up. I just want to curl up and sleep and not wake up atleast until everything is over. I hate this lingering sadness and the extent it affects me. I have no energy right now. I am working on combating my irrational negative thoughts, just like my doctor said to me but it is extremly hard because sometimes I don’t even know what I am thinking, everything is just like overpowering feelings that take over me to the point where sometimes it physically hurts and I feel like I cannot even breathe. I do have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow and am absolutely dreading it. I don’t want to say anything, I do not know what to say. Right now I honestly just want to break down in tears. And most likely that is what I will end up doing. It’s extremely embarrassing, crying over everything in the sessions. Just like the constant tired feeling, the whole teary-ness is again an annoying part of depression.

But it’s not all bad! Time for some positive blogging! I mean I have great friends who make school reasonably fun. I am really happy with my friendship group right now, and thankfully am not spending a lot of time with those that piss me off. My family is OK too. My dad is very supportive, and I will be seeing my sister soon and she is one of those people who can make me do anything without giving a damn. It really feels good being around her. Furthermore, this week I have been good about studying Japanese which makes me feel really proud of myself and I hope to keep it up for the remainder of the week. Once I get a bit more of a grasp on Japanese I am also going to start with Korean! I mean- why not? And although learning a language can sometimes feel like you’re putting in a lot and getting nowhere, it’s still fun and so rewarding when finally you learn something. I am finally showing a little progress with my Japanese studies, and I feel maybe that is the boost I need to really give me the enthusiasm and confidence I need to give it my all and really learn Japanese instead of putting it off and being lazy.

Other than that I am looking forward to the weekend where I am meeting up with Amanda, Jenny and Tanya! I’m nervous because I am petrified of meeting new people, but otherwise it should and hopefully will be fun. I am not sure what we are doing, or if a measly £20 will be enough (that’s the most I’ll likely have) but hopefully everything will work out. I told my family I am going shopping in Manchester with my best friend for new jeans (I made sure today to ask whether she was OK with me using her as an excuse and thankfully she is fine with it). This is not altogether a lie either. I am going to go in about an hour before the meet up time and get into Primark when it’s slightly quieter to get new jeans, and maybe some socks and after meeting up with three aforementioned I am not going to be alone. But they do not need to know I am meeting up with someone from the internet. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that I am about to get murdered by some 39 year old serial killer dude. And yes I understand their fears but I am quite 100% that Amanda is just who she says she is. There are people who have met her, other bloggers know her, the pictures… but I cannot be bothered explaining this to my parents who will give me that concerned look they love to give me. I am lying for their good, so they don’t worry about me.

And I’ll come back alive, with a pair of jeans so it’ll be OK. :P

Last year (that sounds weird but nvm) I decided that the Christmas holidays I would work hard. I would get up at a reasonable time and revise almost every day, carefully going through everything in preparation for my exams. Like any holidays, you go into it filled with purpose and resolve only for that resolve to weaken until it becomes more like “Who can really be bothered?”. As the holidays went on I put it off and put it off until the last Sunday where I lay in bed and realised “I haven’t done anything this holidays”. Maybe only then it hit me. But despite the constant “Shit, I’ve not revised” the holidays were good. The whole getting up at stupid times, anywhere between 10-01, before reading, going on the computer for hours… just relaxing and doing what I wanted to do. Of course I went out a few times, but the daily routine was based on what I wanted to do, what I wanted to eat, when I wanted to get up. There was a certain guilty pleasure in it.

But now I am most certainly back to school. The first week has passed and already all the sleep I stored up has been used up and again I find myself tired and without any energy. Last Friday I had my first exam which was awful, because despite revising for the entire week, the exam asked everything we didn’t know. I didn’t revise much in the holidays, but I’m left feeling that it wouldn’t really matter if I had. I have another exam tomorrow. Once more, I am finding it hard to really care. I did a bit of revision today and will do some tomorrow morning. I don’t know anything but whatever. It’ll probably be like Chemistry on Friday- dodgy questions that you really cannot recall being taught the information to answer.

And you know, I have no energy at all. And these past two days, it’s almost felt surreal. Right now I feel quite mechanical- things don’t really register with me. I just feel a bit out of it.

But yes, also have another exam next week. And then results in March. Yay?