Honest Lies

nos⋅tal⋅gia : a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one’s life, to one’s home or homeland, or to one’s family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time

Today, I joked with my teacher to make my predicted grade higher. Maybe my inner despair leaked into my voice, because my joke lead onto her telling me that even if I don’t get those high grades there are still options for me, which I could end up enjoying more.

Which is all very well, if I didn’t want to go to Japan. I’m not going to delude myself…to get abroad you have to be clever, they won’t just accept anybody. That unfortunatly is immediatly where I go wrong. I’m really not as clever as people seem to think I am. I do my work, but I can never remember it and I have trouble interpreting questions. I’m really not that clever. But something like engineering, which does interest me even if I admit I don’t fully understand what it is all about, requires those brights sorts. Every ‘good’ university wants ABB or AAB. Where do I get those grades? If I work hard enough will I acheive them? It doesn’t seem possible.

And it’s hard to motivate yourself when your dream is so intangible. I wish I had the money to go to Japan. And I wish my parents would allow me to go by myself. They have already told me twice they don’t mind paying, but they don’t want me going by myself. Which sucks, because I need to do some serious ‘soul searching’ right now. Going somewhere by myself just even for a week would be incredible right now. I am happy in so many ways. Having great friends, having a good family, being able to be as lazy as I like… really I have alot of things that alot of other people do not. But somethings not right.

Mainly I am a little (well alot) homesick right now. The whole “I don’t belong here” thought is wieghing heavily on my mind like a shadow, I can’t get rid of it. My memories are vague, in fact I am scared by the time I am 30 I won’t remember my childhood or even my teenage years at all, but I know that when I was 6 going on 7 and we first moved to this country it wasn’t really serious. It was exciting, I barely cried. Then eventually you start to miss it and talk about how you’re gonna go home when you’re older. You go back  on a brief holiday and when you come back you start feeling sad, and you start to cry as the plane takes off. But then you continue to grow up and you realise that you really have no attachement to that place apart from the fact you were born there and your family is there. You don’t belong there.  Now you have learnt to be stronger and you hold back the tears even when you look out the car window on the city you were born and think “this could be the last time I ever see this, the last time I ever go here again”.

But you also realise you don’t belong in the place you reside either so meanwhile you have to deal with that confusion- who am I? Who could I have been? It’s really painful and I’m not sure about back whenever, but I do feel selfish for feeling this way. I have everything, I haven’t had a bad upbring in the UK and I have had alot of oppurtunities and got things alot easier than some of my family has. But that doesn’t stop it hurting.

They say bringing kids over when they are younger is best, but I believe that any sort of immigration messes a little with you no matter how old you are. Even though I was so young and I don’t remember my home, it is that which hurts.  Also not being able to see you’re family, knowing you missed out on being close to your family(I really do envy those who see their grandparents more than every three/four years and have had a chance to bond with them) and the fact you left behind those people who could have been your best friends (I again think it must be awesome to have a childhood friend). The thinking about who you were and who you could have been.  My mom said I was really happy and exttroverted when I was in South Africa. I have no idea what changed or if I would have grown up into such an introvert if I stayed home. Just stuff like this. Many feelings come about from that.

Right now I’m really homesick, and with that comes the longing to just get away from this place. I know I cannot go back home to south africa (I don’t belong there anymore, the person I could have been if I had grown up there is long gone) but that doesn’t mean I’m stuck in this place forever.

Except it seems there is no exit. I’m not clever, I’m lazy, and well I don’t even know where to begin finding myself a husband to get myself into another country LOL (that there was an attempt at a joke XD). I am feeling very trapped right now, and once again my feelings of hoplesness make me feel so powerless to change things. All I can feel is anger and jealosy at those who acheived their dreams. What is so different about them? How did they and why can’t I? I’m selfish yes? Not a good person. Sometimes my thoughts surprise even me. However I am dealing with this. I am keeping on top of things. My friend is annoyed with my because I don’t go beyhond just doing enough and I’ll agree- I won’t go to japan like this and maybe I could do more. But it takes alot of effort just to continue with the minimum. I want to escape so badly, so I seek other escapes…avoid things that really matter.

But I’m definitly allowing myself to be a little sad this week. I am working though these thoughts slowly and at my own pace because the homesickness  just comes and goes and has come and gone before. Best to face it, think those ugly thoughts and wallow in them instead of pushing them away and allowing it to build up.  I usally cope very well with it in this way. Hopefully it will go as suddenly as it came when for some reason, just this Saturday I woke up with this incredibly strong desire to go home and see my family or get away and do something new. It’s wierd. Very wierd how this whole dual nationality thing makes one feel sometimes.

Hello!~ This is me again, still alive. Blogging quickly (I say that but in the end I’ve spent ages on this entry) before I go off to shower and go to bed. Even though I’ve been meaning to blog a nice long tl;dr entry for days I have put it off because I am a) tired b) tired and c) tired. But all my exams are over now and good stuff is happening right now and I have been eating a lot of chocolate which has kept me feeling (slightly more) upbeat. The bad stuff I will push away so not to ruin the good stuff :D

So to go back to the end of Week 3. On Saturday I did of course meet up with Amanda, Jenny and Tanya! The day started badly. As you know I was lying to my parents. So I woke up a bit late and hurried to get ready. Because I was late my dad was nice enough to offer me a lift. We get to the station and my dad notices that my friend isn’t there. He asks me whether he wants me to wait for him or not, so of course I’m like “No. It’s fine. Go” and although it made me feel like a bitch I honestly needed to get rid of him. He agreed, I got out and went to get tickets, only to find out I’d just missed the train and the next one wouldn’t be for ages. And then I turn around and my dad is there and of course he’s like “Will you’re friend know?” when I tell him. And so I had to completely wing it and say she missed it too…completely make it up. He took me home and I waited 10 minutes before setting of to walk there. After a few minutes waiting nervously I was approached by an old lady talking about how she never really rode trains before. Forgive me for thinking of Junjou Romantica at that point. I decided to do a Misaki and I sat opposite the lady for the whole journey, just in case she needed further help (which she didn’t so maybe it was a little embarrassing).

Unfortunately I had taken the longer train and I got stuck at the airport for about 15 minutes- desperately wanting to jump off the train and catch a plane myself. But I resisted (and faced the harsh reality I was going nowhere abroad soon) and finally the train started again and soon I was in Manchester! And although I would be rushed, I did have time to get my jeans. Quick as anything I grabbed as many jeans as I could, tried them on and eliminated them based on how they fitted, and price. I wanted something cheap which I could wear frequently and wear out without a care. By the time I found them I was running short for time and I literally had to run to get to the meeting point.

Some point before hand, for the first time in months I let down my hair. Typically, the tumbling curls it should have and does have every other day had disappeared. GRR. It still bugs me the one day I let down my hair it goes weird. Also I just really wanted to look decent, the same as I wanted to act decent. And on another random tangent… it was an amazing sense of freedom being on the train by myself, going around Manchester myself. Felt rebellious and free. LOL. Later there would be the guilt, the worry that my parents would know but then I just didn’t care.

So got to the meeting point and no one was there. Ate something. Fidgeted, rummage for nothing in particular in my bag…and then I looked up and Amanda and Tanya were there. LOL, they were looking straight at me. It was strange how I recognized it was them: not even doubting it. Before I had been worried I’d go up to someone random. Anyway, Jenny came a little while after and so the random, but fun day began. It was a bit unorganized, involved a lot of walking to one place then going right back to where we started to get to another. But we visited China Town and I ate Chinese food for the first time. Or didn’t. I was too scared I wouldn’t like it, and didn’t want to be rude and leave anything. So I chose the plainest things I could find. But they made fun of me ;_; lol. Amanda fed gave me bits and pieces of her stuff and yeah it was nice and I’m a wus but whatever. After that did some other stuff. Some touristy, some not so much. It was pretty fun but I cannot be bothered to blog anymore about it. :P

At 5 I had to go home and it was dark and suddenly I felt a little scared of being on my home, and I also felt stressed out for a second because I had to almost run to catch the train on time. But I made it. On the way home the worry and guilt hit me, and I realised just how tired I was. But I done it. Gone and met them, then thankfully they’d all been really nice (like super nice people. Really genuine and the type that make you feel really comfortable, not like you have something on your face that they aren’t telling you about) . In return I had tried my best to relax and be just as nice: tried not to be too random, and tried to actually talk a little instead of withdrawing (OK, I was still really quiet but not like usual). In the end I was rewarded with a great day going out of my home and cocoon and a new experience, and a great sense of freedom. It was a little weird. You know, seeing people from the internet, and hearing them talk about internetty things. Because I’m the only one that blogs in my group, and like it’s a bit of a taboo subject (they found out about my first blog and hated me for it) so I guess I’m not used to saying it all out loud. And now like Jing-wen.com has a face behind it. This will sound weird but although you know there are people behind these websites, you never really see them or meet anyone who owns one- so in the end they are but that personality, labelled by their domain. So it was…surreal in a way. But the cool kind of surreal.

But anyway. I’m babbling on. Hehe. I have only just realised I have been dying to talk about this. I told my friend(s) a bit, but not much.

Obviously I didn’t do any revision then, and on Sunday I spent chilling out and didn’t revise much then. On Monday my last exam came, and although it was horrible I could then feel relieved it was all over (finally). I have spent most of the rest of the week pretty out of it. Feels like it should be a holiday. But I have the weekend to look forward to- seeing my sister and Dir en Grey!!! YAY!!! Just a few hours now~

In other random news today at lunch I tried my friend with Japanese, Korean, Chinese and Thai music. She liked Mayday Eternal Summer, and quite liked Love of Siam gan le guen. She didn’t like Big Bang, kind of liked Jay Chou, didn’t like golf and mike (didn’t expect her to) and felt Miranosand were OK. I felt so embarrassed. It was just impulsive to offer he to listen, and I was just trying out some songs that I wanted to listen too, but also stuff I thought maybe she would like. Because I felt nervous and embarrassed I just babbled on about pointless things during the interludes where I picked songs. Like I told her about Eternal summer and love of siam, but it wasn’t a proper train of thought more just randomness that probably didn’t make sense. In the end I still feel very weird for liking the music I do.

But whatever. I need to shower. Must be clean. And also relaxed. I’m so worked up on a) chocolate and b) still embarrassed about the whole getting my friend to try my music thing and c) excitement for today.

In fact I could hardly stop thinking about tomorrow about it all day! I’m seeing dir en grey!! I’m seeing my sister!! She’s taking me for a Japanese meal!! I can greet her at the station and give her a stupidly big hug.

I miss my sister. She keeps me sane with her own insanity. And she is one of few people in this world I would say I actually trust. Being with her means being able to act myself. Which would make it another weekend being able to let go. And man, I need it. More than a long sleep, I need to let go and just be myself. So many fun things happening right now. I hope the rest of the year carries in a good light. Or atleast the rest of the month….happiness, ecxitement etc are nice feelings.