Honest Lies

I feel all fidgety and my mind is just wandering all over the place. I keep forgeting what I was doing or thinking of caus’ my train of thought is switching so often. I’m restless but mainly I’m so BORED today. I musn’t be bored enough caus’ I’m still just sitting here doing…well I think I literally was staring off into space for a moment there. I have absolutly no stress right now, my life has some kind of routine maybe but it’s so free of time restraints. I wake up whenever I want and then just do whatever until the day runs out and go to bed any time between 12:00 and 1:00am. I’m not entirely sure how long I’ve been doing this; my sense of time and days is now gone and they all sort of flow together in one big mush of same-ness and I cannot remember when the holidays began. (^ ^) Although I can’t believe it will be August already this Sunday, caus’ then it’s only a month and a bit of holidays left and somehow even though I’m bored out my mind in many ways I still think it is way too short (and it’s going past too quickly.) I could probably ramble on about how this year seems to have passed real quick but we all know that already.

(I’m 17 already. I don’t think that has sunk in even though my birthday was 12 days ago. Neither has it sunk in, nor will I allow it to, that I’m applying to university in a couple of months or that I get my A levels results in about 25 days. Yay /sarcasm)

It’s definitly alot better than 2008 was anyway. I’m happy. A little messed up inside still but alot happier. Even though I’m doing nothing I’m so relaxed now I’ve given up caring about doing nothing and allowing myself to enjoy the free time (I won’t cope going back to school at this rate) I manage to keep myself busy for most of the day so I don’t think so much about anything really which is just how it should be. Although I get so much sleep from lying in it’s hard to get to sleep at night which means it is always horrible at around 12:00am when I get off the computer because then there are no more distractions- and all my thoughts catch up to me. I only go to bed at that time because my parents want me too. If I could I’d stay up for a few more hours trying to exhaust myself (and continuing to distract myself). There is usually about an hour of trying to distract myself from my thoughts by listening to music and then some more time passes thinking of anything and trying not too deep. Sometimes I unfortunatly can’t help but drag myself down those thought trains I don’t want to go down (like thinking about school). I don’t like that. I’m escaping majorly right now and I like it because then I don’t have to think. I barely leave the house, shut myself away in my room with my headphones on and my curtains closed and only come out for food/drink or toilet breaks (lol). I distract myself using various things because although I can shut out the world and my family I unfortunatly cannot shut out my own thoughts. Hence, why I hate lying awake at night with nothing else to do but stare into the darkness and allow these thoughts to manifest.

I also dislike trying to fall asleep so late at night because of the darkness combined with this eerie silence. There is literally no noise most nights and it freaks me out. It makes me realise that maybe I take all the noise and the lights being on around 23:30 (the time I go to bed at school days). At night now when I am trying to sleep it is quiet and dark and I’m wierd because I hate it being so quiet and dark when I want to sleep. I’m scared of the dark, you see. Usually its only pitch darkness- the sort where you cannot see anything that makes me actually scared. But any sort of darkness can make me feel anxious if I’m in the right mood. Then the shadows of the semi darkness and the way objects manifest into black deformed blobs can be a little unnerving. And now it’s like 1:00am and it’s deadly silent so I feel so alone. Feeling alone in the dark is just aweful. It makes me a little anxious, and it’s even harder to fall asleep.(darkness is my crazy fear that has no reason or logical explanation. We all have one right?)

I was planning this short entry but somehow once I started writing this babble came out. How wierd that I have stuff to say when my life is so dull and uneventful.

Thank you to those who responded on my last entry! If I don’t get round to replying to those comments (and hopefully returning them) I’m grateful : )

Well, this entry will serve as a life update. But with pictures! haha. Starting with Friday which was a really bad day… I had my Grade 5 singing exam where everything that could go wrong went wrong. The day itself started OK, it was the last day of school before we broke up for two weeks so everything was very relaxed. But the singing exam loomed over me, actually even Thursday night I couldn’t get to sleep easily. I walked home at lunchtime to unload my school bag and pick up my mp3 player and some money, and also because the long walk would help me de-stress. But soon enough it was time to go back to school and leave for the exam.

Another girl who had an exam had kindly agreed to take me (I was keeping the exam secret from my parents) and I went with her. It was a long, quiet drive. My nerves only increased. Got the place and it was a house. But not just any house. It was a freaking’ mansion. All the houses around there were HUGE. I should have taken a picture. It was incredible. But yeah my exam soon came round; I messed up because even though I told myself not be nervous I still got really scared. I couldn’t breathe properly and well if you can’t breathe properly you can’t sing properly. And even worse the piano sounded really different, which unnerved me completely. My aurals I tried to do the techniques I was taught but I still stuffed up. I’m hoping she’ll give me point for knowing what to do XD

The examiner was lovely, the setting was lovely and relaxed (being someone’s house and all) and everything should have gone so much better. I got out of the exam wanting to cry. So I took my mp3 player and went and sat outside in the sun. I put the volume up loud and listened to all the songs I listened to on my bad days to comfort me. Typically the damn thing ran out so I went back indoors and talked with the people there. My sister was on her way to pick me up. Or so I thought until I got a text saying she was outside. I went outside, excited and looking forward to going home- except she wasn’t outside. So if I was outside here, where was she?! Lost. I spent the next hour and a half (roughly) waiting for her. A very embarrassing, anxious hour and a half. It is like being locked outside the house, you are so close (to getting indoors) but so far (because you don’t have a key). Or in this case she was so close…but she just couldn’t find the place. I had to ask the woman at the exam centre like twice (hence, why it was embarrassing). When my sister eventually arrived I was standing outside with my singing teacher, and I did a little dance of relief…embarrassing myself further. It was bad.

But bad stuff is followed by good stuff, or at least it was that day thankfully. As I mentioned I didn’t want to my parents to know I had an exam so my sister came to pick me up on the pretence she was fetching me from school and we were going to McDonalds. haha. So after she picked me up we decided that seeing so we were here (it was nearer Manchester than home) we would go to this huge house and gardens near the place where we had sprite and scones with cream and jam (quaint right?) and then went for a walk. We watched the deer, climbed on fallen trees and walked around: generally it was very nice and because it was so spontaneous, felt very random and free (if that makes sense?). According to the excuse we told the parents, after a quick snack at McDonalds my sister wanted to drive so we went to that place. ^_^ I’m thankfuly for my sister lying with me, although I know a few of her secrets too so technically she shouldn’t have refused.

Well, I know that I have failed so I don’t want to have to tell my parents. It is hard enough telling them about my first AS level results. Not to mention personally I failed my Grade 4 singing exam (they don’t know that), my Grade 5 exam (which I did again and passed) so I don’t think I can take anymore failures. I want to prove to myself and others that I can do this, and it kills me when I cannot. I know that when I fail this I will end up hating myself, feeling useless and blaming myself. I wanted this exam to be proof of me being better (from depression)- that I have my confidence now but in the end…I still cannot do it. That it why I almost cried. Because no matter how much I reassured myself, I still couldn’t truly believe in myself.

So yeah naturally I still felt pretty awful about the exam so thus spent Saturday chilling out and doing nothing and pretty much wallowing. I planned to waste time on Sunday too, my parents had planned to go to a beach with my sister but I wasn’t interested so was looking forward to a day alone. That is, until my dad said we were going to an Aquarium too. In the film Boys love 2 they had some very gorgeous shots of the aquarium that made me long too go there. So even though I wanted to spend the weekend resting and wanted the day alone, the desire to walk through tunnels of fish overtook me. Hence on Sunday it was the entire family off to North Wales to see the beach, and go to the aquarium. It was fantastic. The Sea World was really well done. They mainly had tanks of fish, we saw a seal show (twice!) and there was also…a tunnel of fish!!! The first time we looked round, then got a drink and went outside to see the beach, we were going to walk on beach but it was too cold. So we retreated inside back to the Sea World and looked around again. This time I spent a good 10 minutes standing in the tunnel of fish, ogling all the fish like a crazy person and taking loads of pictures. It was incredible. Water surrounded me on every side, as did the fish that would swim over you and around you. Really incredible, and just what I wanted to experience. Needless to say, I loved the outing.

And so by this point I had some washing to do and my hair was desperate for a wash but life remained busy. Although technically holidays I had to go into school on Monday to complete physics coursework :( It wasn’t fun and my coursework is bad but whatever.

Now I’m just chilling out, spending my days not doing very much at all. I have a few plans, but they come later. I should also be revising but that too will come later. Right now I am just enjoying doing my own thing, not having to drag myself into school everyday. I am avoiding doing many things, sleeping in every day and then spending time on the computer. I feel like I need this kind of break. As long as I don’t avoid revision too much (even if I don’t start this week I really need to next week…). I hate how all this stuff like exams, and failing my grade 5 singing is looming over me and ruining this holiday for me though. I keep thinking about it and I can’t help it : ( And I guess I have alot of time to think and reflect, and I know that even if I am better from depression I am still not satisfied. Everything still doesn’t feel right, I still don’t feel that happy with ‘things’. But whatever. Tommorow I go on a picnic with my friends. It will do me good to get outside a bit XD

ps. random pictures are from Sea World :D

Today was what I’d call a good day, as far as days go. The lower 6th at school (which yes, means me) had the day off school to go to a university convention in Manchester. Which basically meant that most of us would go, but we’d make a day out of it and shop too. My friends had decided on 10:02 train so they could get a cheaper train ticket (peak times and all that lot) but I decided I wanted to get in earlier and do some shopping by myself (read: I wanted to hunt down manga and anime). So the train was at 9:02 which meant I could happily sleep through my alarm and get woken by my mother at 8:00 instead. One hour, makes all the difference. I was sleepy and relaxed so I got ready really slowly, which meant I was nearly running to get to the train station on time. I could barely breathe I was walking so fast but I made it with minutes to spare. At the station were a few of my friends so I stuck with them until we got to Manchester where I abruptly left them to go off by myself and do some solitary shopping. I strolled down to the city centre and shopped, the sort of shopping where you’re not looking for anything it particular you just feel like browsing and seeing what’s available and for how much. It’s relaxing in a way, especially as with no one else to think about I could selfishly look at whatever I wanted for however long I wanted. I found a shop with a huge world cinema and anime section (vengeance trilogy for only £28 but it was an 18 : ( ) I got carried away there so ended up having to again rush to meet my friend. After meeting my friend it was off to Primark. I saw the same top Amanda was wearing when I met her… and was tempted to buy it because it was on clearance. :P But I didn’t cause’ I found another one which was in a style I wanted more. It was £10 which made me feel really bad (I don’t believe in spending a lot of money on clothes… my money is reserved for books and CDs : ) ) but it’s such a beautiful top and hopefully I’ll wear it loads. It’s also a bit more feminine than usual which made my mom happy. Lol. Bought some socks too…I think I have developed a sock obsession. They are always really cheap so it’s easy to go “it’s only £1.47″. haha.

Then we went to the university convention which was basically picking up perspectives and grabbing free gifts (like bags and pens!). It was very busy and there weren’t many opportunities to ask questions, although in the end I didn’t want to. Also attended a seminar on student financing which was helpful.

The unfortunate thing was that me and my friend had taken this opportunity to grab as many prospectus’ as possible, but we didn’t realize we had to carry them back. I tell you, 23 prospectus’ weight a hell of a lot. It killed. We were both in epic pain but there was still a little more shopping to be done. My friend wanted to buy her father a present so she went off to that shop and I hung out in Waterstones for a bit. Lots of books and manga, but all overpriced. I’ll buy books on amazon for about a quarter of that price, and I’ll just go without manga. I don’t believe in spending £7+ on something ultimately you are just going to read once then forget about, especially in the case of manga where it’s less than an hours reading we’re talking about. Books I like buying, and on Amazon they are so cheap it doesn’t matter if you only read them once you know?

Then we met up in Waterstones and finally it was the long walk back to the station, slowly our moves becoming more and more automated as we struggled with the pain of carrying 23 prospectus’ (felt like a right packhorse). And worst thing was that everyone else only seemed to have grabbed like one or two prospectuses, but here we were struggling with all of ours. Maybe we went overboard, but hey it’s important to know your options…right?

Well whatever. Finally got home, and then soon went out with my mom to get a few groceries and also McDonalds!! haha. Excellent. Feeling stuffed now, because I ate lunch really late and also then I ate like 3 donuts and then McDonalds too… But it’s all good.

Today was nice. It was tiring in a way, but it was fun too. Pity school is tomorrow, caus’ it feels like it should be weekend already.

Listening: Onitsuka Chihiro- SUGAR HIGH (album)
Feeling: Tired

The snow has officially melted away, and now even the ice is thawing. It’s still cold and it will probably rain soon. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic; the tired feeling has persisted and gotten worse. Today was not bad, but extremely long and multiple times I wished I could just be at home, curled up in bed or doing my own thing.

The day started terribly, I got up at about 6:30am and curled up in bed drifting between a semi-sleeping state and being awake, but deep in thought. Never once did it cross my mind that I had school, and time drifted and drifted past whilst I lay in my warm and cosy bed until 7:50am came and I realised I couldn’t put off school any longer. But neither could I bring myself to hurry, and so I texted my friends and said I wasn’t walking and at a moderate pace got ready and left at 8:23am. Still I couldn’t bring myself to walk fast, and blamed it on the ice. Finally I got to school and in tutor me and my friends played the wikipedia game. I had no idea what it was either, until my sister explained it last time I saw her. The coincidence is that my friends are suddenly playing it, strangely just a week after my sister introduced me to it. It seems to be the latest thing amongst us.

What is the wikipedia game? Do you know? You know the game where you go on one page on wikipedia and using only the links on that page have to get to something totally different? For example the morning’s game was to get from Potato to Homer Simpson. The one I won (woot!) in the afternoon was going from Glue Stick to Elephant. Indeed. It’s a tonne of fun and the best way to waste time. Our tutor teacher was so impressed with it she is now using it as a started activity with her year 10 ICT class XD

There were some worse bits of the day. This morning in chemistry, my first lesson, the teacher totally made me feel completely useless by picking on me for an answer in front of all the class. Why do teachers always ask you the questions you don’t know? And then they think you’re an idiot, when you can do it you just can’t do that one! GRR. I’m tired of being made to feel like the only one in our class who doesn’t have a clue what’s going on (I know I’m being irrational but small things like this effect my greately). My bad mood worsened, and I wished I was home and/or wished I had some chocolate but the following free was nice as I chilled out with my friends and we chatted. I didn’t do the work I planned, but nice conversation beats that any day. If there’s one thing I’m thankful for, it’s great friends.

RE (third period) passed quickly (even though I didn’t really concentrate nor care) but lunch again dragged on and felt boring. My friends were discussing TV shows, so I sat away from them and drifted into deep thought. My friends did notice my silence, perhaps picking up on my mood. So when I got up and left to go the toilet , and then came back my one friend was there about to come after me. My friend told me apparently the one person had noted my mood and wondered if I was OK. I didn’t really know what to say, maybe a little surprised. But I think I said I’m tired and don’t feel like talking. And like always she understood and didn’t ask anymore. My friend knows how I am and understood maybe I am just feeling a little low and don’t want to talk. Again, I’m thankful for my friends. This year I am hanging out with new people, but they are people I can trust and am closest to. They are really nice people, so nice sometimes I wish I could be just as nice back (I do worry I don’t give enough back to people). And they seem to understand me, and just a little I can relax around them. I’m still having problems trusting people completely, but actually around these friends I am becoming more open. I am not afraid to admit to liking certain things around them, which I wouldn’t around other people.

So anyway the day dragged on some more and I came home and sat infront of the computer. That is it. Fairly ordinary day, pretty tedious but not entirely bad. Tomorrow I am worrying about two things: a) my singing lesson and b) a doctor’s appointment. The latter especially. I don’t know how I’m feeling or why, and I certainly don’t know how to say it out loud. I hope it goes well. I just want tomorrow to be a reasonably good day. I really need it…
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In other news I just need to move the pages over and then I can back up my Chryp installation and delete it- meaning I’m almost done moving back to wordpress! I know, finally. Sorry… I mean I’m really sorry about this mess. It’s almost sorted. Right now I need to go do my homework, but by tomorrow it will all be back to normal : ) Ah..but I’m losing my comments once again : (