Honest Lies

Listening: Hormones OST- Yaang Noi (title comes from a song by Lad though :P)

I have things I wanted to say, to blog about but somehow I’m not sure how to write it, I put it off and then I just don’t. And I don’t worry about it, because there is more to life than a website but still. It’s just another example of me putting things off, wasting time doing things I can never remember (which is a sign it’s probably not all that important or productive). And I guess lately I am more aware of how I seclude myself, and the distance between me and those around me (due to different interests etc). Hmm…but whatever. Good news now!!

Last Thursday was my last doctors appointment! I was still feeling kind of rubbish from results and a totally awful phone conversation with my father about results so I cried a bit and stuff but I know that I am better. And although at first I hated those appointments, I kind of grew to enjoy them and they really helped. No matter how serious my depression was, it was good to challenge the thoughts and learn about why we may think this way and how to tackle it. Although I am still not 100% better, somehow I still don’t feel ‘right’, I think now I am just experiencing the normal pains and frustrations of growing up. I feel more normal, less crazy and I’ve come away stronger not to mention equipped with knowledge of how to handle it should I need to in the future. Although I still need it now. I go through every day prepared to tackle my thoughts, determined not to become as I was last year. Yeah so basically, it’s all good. After the session ended she gave me a hug (aww.. I wasn’t expecting it but it was really sweet of her), she wished me well (again, very sweet) and then I was out of there. Tears still fresh in my eyes, but a smile on my face. It was like being diagnosed, you feel better knowing you have something and it’s not just craziness. And then when it’s gone, and someone tells you it’s all over its so reassuring. After last summer, I told myself I was better but I knew I really wasn’t and it’s not really the same unless someone else confirms it. After that last session, I felt so damn good you know? There’s just one less thing to make life suck. Haha. No really, I had fought and I had overcome that stupid thing that made me so powerless, made me feel so bad about myself and the world around me. It’s gone…. Hopefully forever and ever caus’ I certainly never want to feel that way again.

However, I can’t say the following days were amazing but meh, it’s life. It drags on past. I should probably enjoy it more, and I think I do. Just sometimes I feel so tired, and I get a bit frustrated by myself, and…just lots of things really. I guess I still cannot fight this feeling of wanting to escape too.

You know there’s a travel agents in our village which I pass every day when I walk home from school.

And you know how when you pass a travel agent you look in the windows to see what deals they promote? Well, I do anyway. Although I probably look odd, a tired school girl stopping randomly to look at holidays she can never afford, I do like to look and see all those places I could go, how much it would be. Right now they have an offer for Thailand. Before they had Hong Kong, and once there was Cape Town! Yeah, I have too much time on my hands or..something.

I want a holiday! Lol.

But whatever. I get like this, start dreaming and I think I almost forget about the now. I’m trying so hard to deal with the present, ignoring the future which scares me because I cannot see myself in 10 years- I think I’m petrified of it in a way. I don’t feel old enough to be dealing with A levels, university…all these big life decisions. And it is all happening so fast, it washes over me and so I just dream and pretend it doesn’t exist. Right now I have recovered from that illness, and slowly I am putting all the pieces back together but it feels like I don’t have time to linger on this recovery period. There’s more exams coming up, university coming up…

Yeah, so basically everything is like it always it. A bit tired, a bit stressed, a little angry.

Everything changes when you’re growing up, yet sometimes it feels like nothing is changing at all. It’s weird, and so frustrating.

(I want to change this layout. And I also kind of want to remove comments. And I also need to revamp the pages…remove dead links etc… I promise I’ll give this site some love soon ^^)

Listening: Kagrra- 忘却の果ての凍えた孤独

Last Thursday I had my usual CBT appointment where I was informed that it could be my last. Knowing it would be results day I requested once last appointment but still, I know I am better. Although I still don’t feel 100% right I no longer feel like I did last year. I am past the depression, now it’s just a case of dealing with the usual pain and stress of life.

It is strange thinking back on the time before I went to the doctor, I don’t remember having so many appointments but I have. And although I still feel embarrassed and awkward before, during and after them they have helped. Before I felt like I was going crazy, I didn’t know what I was feeling or why or whether it was normal or not. At my lowest during the middle of last year I gave up and reached the most severe point. But I reminded myself of my dreams, that I had friends and a loving family etc and I picked myself up and got on with it. But I was still not “right”. Although I could package the feelings and store them away, in the end they didn’t go away so easily. I’d force them away, then after a week or so it’d build up I’d break down and feel like shit and the cycle would repeat. So in one of my bad moments I decided, purely on a whim I was sick of it so I went to the doctor. I was diagnosed and then referred to someone else for CBT. This has been the best for me. Because all I was doing before was shoving the feelings down so I could get on with it. But I had no confidence, and I would react to everything. Even if I didn’t show it, my thoughts were completely irrational and I felt crazy and weird. Now I understand more what I feel, why I am feeling it and how to deal with it properly instead of just putting it to the back of my mind. Those old feelings are no longer. I’ve dealt with them, I’m moving past my insecurities and worries and over-sensitivity of the past. I’m learning how to rationalise my thoughts, how to perceive situations as they are instead of jumping to conclusions etc.

But, although I no longer think this is “depression”, and I think it’s right I no longer need the doctor, I still don’t feel 100% ‘right’ and there’s still a lot going on in my life threatening to pull me back into that awful despair.

Take, for example today. Which to be honest- sucked. Let’s see:

a) Results day. I did better than expected, but not amazing. And then everyone else has A’s and shit. I mean I work just as hard as them don’t I? I won’t give you my results. Most internet geeks are really clever and when people blog their results they are always A’s and B’s so I don’t think I want to give mine. Shock horror, I am not an intelligent geek.
b) Parents evening. Tonight. And I still haven’t told my mom my results. How do you bring it up? HOW?!
c) Yet another university doesn’t offer Japanese with engineering (do any? because so far my options are… none. No, one university does. Yeah.).

Today sucks. No, this week sucks. No. life sucks.
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It’s amazing how calm I feel despite it. On one hand It’s almost like “failure” is something normal, something I accept by now. I no longer feel hopelessness because I no longer have hope. Everything just is. On the other I know it’s not like I can allow myself to be affected by this stuff, because then I’ll just end up like last year- depressed.

And what can you do anyway? What is done is done, holding onto regret for the past- well as I said, you’ll only end up depressed. In regards to a) I can retake the exams and do better next time. As for b) it could end not as bad as I think. Maybe my parents will understand, maybe the teachers will have good things to say about me. Why worry endlessly if you know you’re thoughts will take you to places you don’t want to go?

But I do worry.

I know I need at least BBBB for uni and as my maths teacher said to me, it will be extremely difficult for me to get a B. I probably am not even clever enough for my own dream (of being an engineer working in Japan. The former isn’t set, but the latter is my desperate it-needs-to-come-true-else-I’ll-fall-apart kind of dream).

So as for c) … I try not to think of that. Because learning Japanese and going to work and live in Japan is my only set dream. You know I have dreams but they are little things and I don’t really know or desperately need/want anything from the future… only the one thing I really want, just the one thing is to get to Japan. It started out noobishly with “Anime, Manga” kind of immature stuff but the dream has only developed, become a full love for Japan and it’s culture. Yes, it’s not the perfect country but still… I want to go to Japan. I’m sick of reading about it, I want to live it and experience it for myself. I’m willing to wait for no matter how long…just a few years though, not forever obviously lol. But at the end of the day I will need to speak Japanese to get the most out of living there. Already I have had no opportunity to have classes now, nor is taking the JLPT an option for me either. So I want to take it at uni and I also want to study abroad, so I can experience Japan for a year and if I don’t like it then I at least have the experience, and studying abroad looks good on CVs and shit. But again that something only available to clever people, and also you know… not many UK uni’s offer it as an option. I should expect that, because Japan mainly has ties with the US over the UK but still- why is it so hopeless? It’s the one thing I desperately want but yet.., the more I research uni’s and stuff (believe me I am researching my options) the more impossible it all seems. And it’s my dream and I cannot imagine giving up on it. I don’t know what I will do if I cannot get it.

OK, now I’m on the verge of crying. Every time I think about it the tears come.

I try and imagine the future but I cannot because I have no idea where I am going to be in 5, 10 years time because I don’t feel good enough to achieve the future I want for myself. No. Every sign is that I am not good enough to achieve what I want.
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But I don’t want to give up on this dream…

Lately I can’t sleep. And strangely, although I do worry slightly about a couple of things it isn’t really me staying awake worrying…more I’m just thinking about the most pointless things like movies I’ve watched or want to watch. Last night I thought about what movies I wanted to buy and having a possible movie night with my friends, in an effort to introduce some of my favourite films to them. And although I think it could be a good idea- was it really necessary for me to be thinking about that at 1am? These kinds of things you wouldn’t think would keep someone awake at night. Or maybe there’s something else that caused me to fall asleep around 2am last night after two and a half hours of restlessness. Either way this morning, much like the rest of the week, I got up pretty late and had to rush to get to school. I was in for a surprise though, because when I looked out the window it was snowing! The weather sure is unpredictable. Thankfully I had time before my friends came to take some pictures. This photo shows my street at around 8:10am this morning. It was really amazing…. me standing there on the quiet deserted street while the snow quietly feel down on and around me: it was quite a story moment. There was something so surreal about it, I actually had to stand in awe for a moment. It was so still and calm, a rare moment of peace and quiet. In the morning usually you’d expect a few cars or someone walking but it was deserted…kind of ghost like. Very strange. The snow only contributed to the surreal-ness.

Anyway. The fresh snow covered the ice and made walking to school much easier. The rest of the day wasn’t thrown too much out of synch because of the snow either. In my first class everyone sat starting mournfully out at the window clearly just wanting to be outside, and afterwards my friends got together for a snowball fight. At lunch there were snowballs being thrown everywhere, like some kind of rebellion with the teachers struggling to control it. Hey, it’s snow and for some reason it makes people high. But the day passed, the snow began to melt and disappear as quickly as it had come: and then it was my doctors’ appointment. We talked things through, and I’ve noticed I’m perhaps opening up more. At the end of the day I want to get better, and talking it through perhaps helps more than I like to admit. And now I only need to go once a month. So I guess I’m getting better? I don’t know. It’s all still a little confusing. I am trying my best though. I have always known that with depression, although you need support it is largely about you realising you can and should take hold of your own feelings and thoughts and challenge them. I knew but somehow I let it slide, ignored my own common sense for a long time. Although I managed to dig myself out of the worst phase I think I am glad I took that step and went to the doctors in the end. It has helped; given me the little nudge in the right direction that I need. I am challenging these thoughts and ridiculous core beliefs and I will change and become stronger. Although, sometimes I don’t like how my family knows. More so my mothers attitude.

(allow me to rant for a moment)

Apart from that- and to completely change the subject- I finally finished the move to wordpress!! Once again I’m sorry about all that, and I’m sorry it’s still a bit messy now. But at least now I’m not driving away visitors with the weirdness. And being back with wordpress isn’t bad, even if not ideal. The thing with chyrp was that unfortunately, it confused me and I couldn’t understand it which made me feel vulnerable in regards to my site. Felt like I didn’t have full control or something like that. WordPress may be bloated, but I trust it and even just a little, I understand it. I phrased that a little strangely but hopefully you know what I mean : )

You know how last entry I loved the snow and thought it may just continue and that would just be fine? Well, it stopped snowing and turned to ice. Such a pain… makes walking to and from rather scary when you know you don’t have much grip on the ground you are walking on, and one wrong move and you’re down (which is more embarassing than anything). I hate how I have to wear my old trainers too, instead of some of my nicer shoes which unfortunatly have zero grip.

Hm..apart from that I’m pretty much exhausted right now. Really wish I didn’t have to go into school tommorow…or the next day…

Sometimes the worst thing about depression is the complete lack of energy and motivation that takes over you. Where even putting one foot infront of the other is like climbing a freakin’ mountain. Where everything is pointless- so why bother? Ahh…I’m tired.

Very very tired.

The exam on Tuesday was awful in every sense of the word. It was very long and complicated but we only had 1 hour and 20 minutes and at some point I began to panic because I didn’t know anything and it was just terrible. They even asked stuff that I swear I hadn’t been taught…and indeed we never had anything about compressive force graphs and there was a very long question on it. Oh it was bad. So bad. I just babbled for the sake of it, wishing and hoping at least something would be correct. Although I couldn’t finished all of it, some things I couldn’t even make up. Not to mention at the end you know how they signal for each row to leave one row at a time so the people still with exams won’t get disturbed? I got up and left with the row next to mine. My friend wouldn’t stop laughing at me ;_; Completely embarrassing and not helpful after the stress of the exam.

Now just one more exam to fail and then it’s OVER. I have gotten to the point where even if it kills to know that I have indeed failed and will probably need to retake, I have actually accepted my failure and cannot even be bothered to revise. But I mustn’t think this way, I know, so I will do my best for the next exam. That is all I can do really.

This week has been pretty bad also just because I’m so exhausted right now. That horrible heavy feeling where every movement feels like just too much effort, being unable to concentrate, constantly blanking out, not wanting to talk, not wanting to eat (or pigging out on junk just to give a little energy so I can feel alive)… not to mention at night I go to bed feeling exhausted but end up lying awake for at least an hour and then cannot wake up in the morning. Today was especially bad because I woke up at around 4am and was about to get up when I realised the time and went back to sleep, or I tried and couldn’t for about 30 minutes. Then I woke up again at 6am and finally at 7am I barely was awake and feel right back into deep, peaceful sleep. Of course for the second time this week I was late. And just as I was signing into school I bumped into my teacher o_o But thankfully she understood with exams and all that. I think she may think I’m stressed, so I’ll let her think that if it means she is not angry at me for constantly missing registration.

I don’t know why but for some reason the depression this week is really bad (this is probably why I am so exhausted) I at some point allowed myself to slip back into the stage where I want nothing more than to just give up. I just want to curl up and sleep and not wake up atleast until everything is over. I hate this lingering sadness and the extent it affects me. I have no energy right now. I am working on combating my irrational negative thoughts, just like my doctor said to me but it is extremly hard because sometimes I don’t even know what I am thinking, everything is just like overpowering feelings that take over me to the point where sometimes it physically hurts and I feel like I cannot even breathe. I do have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow and am absolutely dreading it. I don’t want to say anything, I do not know what to say. Right now I honestly just want to break down in tears. And most likely that is what I will end up doing. It’s extremely embarrassing, crying over everything in the sessions. Just like the constant tired feeling, the whole teary-ness is again an annoying part of depression.

But it’s not all bad! Time for some positive blogging! I mean I have great friends who make school reasonably fun. I am really happy with my friendship group right now, and thankfully am not spending a lot of time with those that piss me off. My family is OK too. My dad is very supportive, and I will be seeing my sister soon and she is one of those people who can make me do anything without giving a damn. It really feels good being around her. Furthermore, this week I have been good about studying Japanese which makes me feel really proud of myself and I hope to keep it up for the remainder of the week. Once I get a bit more of a grasp on Japanese I am also going to start with Korean! I mean- why not? And although learning a language can sometimes feel like you’re putting in a lot and getting nowhere, it’s still fun and so rewarding when finally you learn something. I am finally showing a little progress with my Japanese studies, and I feel maybe that is the boost I need to really give me the enthusiasm and confidence I need to give it my all and really learn Japanese instead of putting it off and being lazy.

Other than that I am looking forward to the weekend where I am meeting up with Amanda, Jenny and Tanya! I’m nervous because I am petrified of meeting new people, but otherwise it should and hopefully will be fun. I am not sure what we are doing, or if a measly £20 will be enough (that’s the most I’ll likely have) but hopefully everything will work out. I told my family I am going shopping in Manchester with my best friend for new jeans (I made sure today to ask whether she was OK with me using her as an excuse and thankfully she is fine with it). This is not altogether a lie either. I am going to go in about an hour before the meet up time and get into Primark when it’s slightly quieter to get new jeans, and maybe some socks and after meeting up with three aforementioned I am not going to be alone. But they do not need to know I am meeting up with someone from the internet. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that I am about to get murdered by some 39 year old serial killer dude. And yes I understand their fears but I am quite 100% that Amanda is just who she says she is. There are people who have met her, other bloggers know her, the pictures… but I cannot be bothered explaining this to my parents who will give me that concerned look they love to give me. I am lying for their good, so they don’t worry about me.

And I’ll come back alive, with a pair of jeans so it’ll be OK. :P