Honest Lies

A collection of random thoughts and not-very-major events for today:

– My dad is currently on a business trip to south Africa. He left last night. I never ever wake up for him, because he leaves at like 4am but last night was different. Last night I went to bed at 1:30am, though I had wanted to keep reading longer I tore myself away from my book and switched my light off. At 3am comes a knock at the door. I am just falling asleep, in that nice place where you’re not quite asleep but rested and comfortable. I waited for someone to get it but nobody got it and then the phone rang. So I blearily got up to answer it, and turns out it was my sister outside home from the party she went to last night. I had no choice but to drift downstairs to go answer the door. My dads alarms went off 10 minutes later and thus everyone was up and I was completely awake. I went back to bed but quickly realised there was no way in hell I was falling back to sleep. Went downstairs where my mom was sitting on the couch, and my sister and dad were at the table eating cheesecake. I ended up joining them; despite the little voice in my head telling me that there was no way that it was going to be digested. Straight to the hips. the voice in my head told me, but I ate anyway and in the end I felt sick (served me right really). There was something strange and surreal about gathering together at 3am to eat cheesecake. I was so tired but at the same time so awake. It felt like I should go and eat breakfast, even though I’d slept barely an hour my brain still registered that it had been asleep, and now it was awake and light and thus time to begin my day. My dad left at 4am and it must have the first time that all three of us (my mom, my sister and me) were there to say good bye to him. And you know what I might as well have continued reading before, because I ended up reading until 4am when my dad left, and then until 4:30am after that. I went to bed at 4:30am and eventually fell asleep, waking up at 2pm this afternoon. I feel perfectly crap. I have such a bad headache :x

– Tried to bake a carrot cake this afternoon and it turned out horribly. It tasted like earwax, and I wish I was joking but I’m not. It was the most gross cake ever. It could be seen as an achievement that it was that bad. This cake is the sort you’d use on variety shows to test endurance. It wasn’t even edible. My pride was bruised, I got even more pissed than I already was (I have been in a bad mood all day; see above) and thus I set out to bake another cake, one I knew would turn out good. It came out the oven now and it seems edible. My pride is still somewhat damaged due to the unfortunate carrot cake incidence but I am reassured: I am not a bad baker, I just can’t make carrot cake to save a life. Also I saved my mother a piece of the unfortunate carrot cake (threw the rest way) and I warned her, to eat it and get it over with because it is so terrible but she is saving it for tomorrow. Tomorrow holds an unpleasant surprise for my mother…

– I start university in a week. ONE WEEK. I am all sorts of petrified. My sister is home at the moment so I did get a chance to ask her what I’d need, which means I no longer need to panic about not having the right stationery (these are the sorts of things I panic about, yes) but I still feel all AHHHHH I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING about it all. I’ve never been to university before, obviously, so I have no idea what to expect. Also I’m studying engineering. ENGINEERING. It’s what I want to do but that doesn’t make it any less daunting. I am so worried :/ Also there is that whole little thing called interacting with new people. I am shy and awkward and I make weird not-funny-at-all jokes and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind when nervous (and I get nervous when surrounded by people I don’t know so put two and two together and you can imagine what peoples first impression of me would be). I most likely won’t be able to join any clubs or societies either because I am not living in Liverpool, which puts another damper on any social life I might gain. I am so nervous about the social aspect as well as the academic side of things. :( Also I have gotten into the routine of going to bed at 1am and getting up at 10am. This is not good. I will most likely have to wake up 6am to get to Liverpool for 9am, which means going to bed at 22pm. Very much so different from how things are now. I don’t know how I will cope with the new schedule :| I just don’t know how I will cope full stop. I AM PETRIFIED. Only one week now D:

One of my favourite hobbies is to bake, especially lately now that I have a ridiculous amount of free time. (I don’t work nor do I go to school at the moment. I have all the time in the world!) If I’m bored or stressed or even just craving something sweet I love to blast some mindless pop music and bake. It’s really a perfect way to take my mind of things, and in the end I have cake… A win-win situation I’d say. I have mastered simple cakes like butter cake, chocolate cake, cherry cake but these are all really simple and easy throw-it-all-in-the-bowl-and-mix-it-together type things and I wanted to expand my ~skills~. I also had seen too many cupcake pictures on tumblr. Thus- I decided to make cupcakes! I made them today. They were pretty easy to make, though I admittedly had to get my mom to help me at times. The most fun part was definitely when they were made so I could ice them! I bought pre made icing because I can’t make icing to save my life, and it is honestly the most creamiest butter cream icing I have ever tasted. And so easy to use. Then I just put some sprinkles on and voila. Tasty and a lot cuter than any cake I’ve ever made! I’d say all in all these were rather successful. I still have some icing left so I’m tempted to make another batch, actually. XD

Coming soon (next week most likely): Milk Tart. I’ve been cleaning my room over the past few days and I found a really good recipe my Granny gave me so I want to give it a try. It will be the most complicated thing I’ve ever attempted but I would love to have some Milk Tart, it is after all a South African thing and thus not available in this country. : (

I want to do things, a part of me is so awake right now but my body and all the other parts of my mind are just exhausted. (It’s amazing what a few hours of school does to a person.) So I sit and listen to music and waste time.  Hopefully I can find the energy to atleast look over my notes later for exam tomorrow.

I’m not feeling well. I haven’t been feeling well for days now, and I can feel I’m on the edge of getting worse and I really can’t be ill right now. I have mock exams this week, uni interview this week, and another interview next week. I really can’t afford to be sick. It sucks though because I don’t feel nice and although it’s not the sort of illness where I can’t get out of bed or function properly, it’s enough that I need to put a little more effort into doing things. I’m listless, lifeless, light-headed and the feeling of gonna-throw-up won’t go away. I can’t eat without feeling nasty but even when I don’t eat I feel bad. It’s annoying!

Exams were awful today. I was expecting them to be bad but there’s a difference between the expectation and when it actually happens; the latter is always just a little worse. In the morning I came late so had to walk into a quiet exam hall by myself, then i realised I’d left my calculator in my bag and had to get up to go get it, and I’d forgotten a pen so had to borrow one. I was so out of it and the exam was just terrible: could only answer one or two questions. I’m going to do so badly. ugh. Even worse I’d forgotten a coat so had to walk home in far too little for a day like this. It’s cold, the sort of cold that is difficult to escape from. I came home after the first exam and I remembered a thicker coat when I came back in for my second exam and even then I was cold. I went into the coffee shop after school had ended and bought a cup of the most gorgeous hot chocolate ever to treat myself ^_^  It burnt my tongue but I was warm. Plus the girl gave me marshmallows and chocolate flakes for free and I only saved like 30p but you know coffee shop hot chocolate is so overpriced that is kind of awesome.

So yes, the second exam was worse in a way; because I couldn’t even answer one question. I swear we haven’t even been taught half the stuff that was on the paper- and that is kind of scary. Judging by the looks on other peoples faces (groups do the same exams at different times) I am thinking my chemistry and physics are also going to be evil reincarnate.

I want this week to be over yet I don’t. That makes no sense but nothing makes no sense right now. Failing at life x_x

Extra long blog post to make up for the fact I’ve just been spamming the blog with pictures since I came home Wednesday.

This week was busy. I went away to my sisters place on Sunday until Wednesday. By the time I came back I had 700 entries on livejournal to shift through and who knows how much stuff in my google reader but sometimes it’s nice just to leave everything behind and take a break. The train was ridiculously expensive, I nearly got on the wrong train to Edinburgh and it was colder than I expected in Leeds but I had a good time. It was a pretty awesome few days.

(stuff about the trip under here)

Anyway, I came home on Wednesday morning. I had to get up at 6:40 to get a train I missed anyway. Me and my sister sat in Mcdonalds and ate chocolate milkshake and a mcflurry for breakfast respectively and waited for the next one to come. I felt awful after eating ice cream for breakfast… seriously don’t try it.  I then had to eat chips for the second half of my breakfast in an effort to make my stomach settle. It never did. Also journey back’s are always the worst thing even without feeling ill. They drag on forever. Not to mention I nearly fell asleep and missed my stop, thankfully in my half asleep state I recognised I was home just in time to grab my stuff and run off the train.

The day didn’t end there. That evening I went out with my friends. I know, for once I was a normal teenager. Instead of spending the evning in on livejournal or youtube I went out and socialised. It felt good to be normal for once. I love my friends. I’ve found myself in a lovely group this year. I do feel worried that maybe I said or did the wrong thing but I think it was OK. I think I did OK. We went out to the Pub for a small meal, drink and desert. My one friend works there so we went there for her XD She served us and then afterwards we went back to hers and sat around for a little while before heading home. It was lots of fun. But I was really tired from travelling… so by the end of it I was zombie-ing out completely.

Now it’s the half term break so I have another weak off. BUT! Must study. I’ve almost finished my university application and now I’ve chosen what universities to go to there’s no turning back. I need those grades. I need them so much. And I can tell myself that there’s no use trying because I will only fail, I can tell myself it’s useless but I….can’t do that anymore. I have to try. I can do it, I did it in Leeds so I’ll do again next week. I WILL wake up, I WILL study and then still have free time. My plan, watch it fall to dust over the next few days…

Eating instant noodles for supper again. I have been living off them because my dad is away on business, and my mom is out pretty often. I can cook for myself, make some curry, heat up some soup and add some noodles and cheese, stick something in the oven and boil some veg to go with it…but I really cannot be bothered. So when I do have to make supper for myself I end up just being lazy and…eating noodles. My sister at university doesn’t have an abundance of money but she definitely had enough for food, and she always has a lot of stuff in her cupboards but she still sometimes chooses to starve simply because she can’t be asked to cook (though her friend usually feeds her XD). I am totally gonna be like that at uni. I already am now. It’s not doing my skin any good and one day I will be fat but meh. Noodles are nice, easy to make and taste decent.

Though I do tend to envy girls with equally or worse diets than mine with their perfect hair, skin and figures. -_-