Honest Lies

Replaced “we” with “I” (and where is the “even”?). I’m not looking forward to next year, but damn do I want this to be over already. Got my first uni interview tommorow and I’ve been in full panic mode since this afternoon. Got another uni interview on Tuesday. And school is going badly (oh mocks, how badly they are going. I know so little.) It just all makes me want to scream and cry and hit things- repeatedly.

The weather is terrible right now. It’s dark and cold and really, it’s impossible to get up and hard to want to get up in the mornings. As the end of the year approaches, my mood shifts to become a little low; the lack of light, upcoming school ‘deadlines’ and time quickly slipping away till another year when it’s hard to look forward to next year. (Plus Christmas in a month and a few days and I dislike Christmas time. I’m already having moments of homesickness and it’s only gonna get worse.)

Then school. I hated chemistry today. I felt so embarrassed because the work was stuff already done in biology and I’m the only one in the class who doesn’t do biology so the teacher kept stopping to see if I understand and going through things that everyone else knew and I really hate having that attention drawn to myself. I feel like I’m holding the class up, just because I do physics. I love physics, but it would be nice if it interlinked with more of my other subjects. Those rare times it does it’s something we’ve done in the past in physics, or something we did in the past in chemistry. GRR.

It’s like how in citizenship on Wednesday we were discussing British identity and what makes you British and that’s very awkward for me, being not British. I didn’t want to draw attention to my primary nationality and the nationality I will associate myself with if asked but there was no way I could hide it. I think national identity is a state of mind really, but that’s the thing Britain is my home in a sense but it’s not the place I identify with and want to live forever in. So I found it hard to respond to the questions for example what do you miss when you go away, well when I go away I go home so although I miss the comfort of the home (as in house I live in) I’m with my family, and my relatives and I’m home. It was interesting to hear the discussion and peoples opinions about these things, but slightly awkward for myself and a little embrassing.

I hate drawing attention to myself. I like to blend in with the crowd :D

Then university and exams. My letter from UCAS came today finally which confirms that my application for university is been sent off. It’s exciting in a way, I guess it has made it all the more real and it’s good that I’ve got it done. However I’m so scared of failure. I know that I won’t be like my friends who are bound to get 5 offers but I want at least one or hopefully 3 offers. I feel so guilty for not working, feel so inferior to other people almost because I know I’m not as clever, yet I still procrastinate. Typically I don’t spend the time usefully because I know I’ve got schoolwork to do which means I can’t start anything that will take up too much time, yet hours later I’m still aimlessly web surfing. It doesn’t help that one of my friends is hyper revising and damn, I don’t know how people do it. I tried to sit down and do some work today but I gave up after an hour because I couldn’t do it. I plan to sit down over the weekend and try and get through the lovely mountain of work that the teachers are piling on (I really hate how our school has taken us off timetable for things like alternative learning week and upcoming year 11 taster days meaning we miss vital lessons, and know have to do more independent work which we may well end up not understanding (yes, replace we with I)) Exam deadlines are all coming so close and I don’t even remember learning half the syllabus. Not to mention retakes.

And it really matters this time. If I don’t get the grades there are no second chances and that really honestly scares me. Yet no matter how much I want to prove people wrong I’m really so very lazy and my head is just filled with useless thoughts that are nonetheless distracting.

Also my mp3 player is dying. I need music to motivate myself and I don’t like having to use my computer to listen to music because it ultimately ends up distracting me from work. I really want a fancy mp3 player for Christmas, one that plays videos and mp3 but my dad said no : (

It’s so very easy to complain about things :P

Today was review day. Basically meaning we have the day off school and only have to go to school for a short meeting with our tutor teachers to talk to them about our progress, our grades etc. The good thing was my appointment to see my tutor was at 2:00pm so I slept in till 12:00 and got ready then read until 1:30 which was relaxing.

Got to school and good day turned bad because my tutor is an asshole, and I’m awkward and together it felt like neither of us were quite getting what the other was saying, at some points having separate conversations and overall it felt more like an interrogation than anything else. My last review appointment was with my old tutor and it was just a nice, casual chat although about the relevant things of course. We did what we had to do, but she didn’t make it uncomfortable. This guy made it feel quite awful. He has this habit of talking to you like you’re still in high school, not in the 6th form college and going on to be an adult. He wasn’t exactly patronising but I didn’t understand what he wanted from me, or what he was saying at times. So I got a bit defensive and said some stupid things which I should have kept to myself, which meant he started interrogating me more and trying to get me to change my attitude (as if I’m some stupid kid who he can influence). It’s obvious he doesn’t like my “blase attitude” (as he described it). Well, sorry but I don’t have all the answers, I don’t set my life out in stone and neither am I about to tell you just how worried I am. You’re really not that important so no to you I am not concerned, I’ll just do what I have to do. And neither do I know what I have to do to better my grades, I don’t have this grande plan of revision and talking to the teachers every second. I’m just cruising along and I don’t care if that means it will lead to my ultimate failure (as he seems to think) because that is how I cope. Once I start thinking I can’t stop and then I worry, over think and get depressed and then I don’t want to work at all. I’m not going to worry about little things like grades on paper because I obviously hope I will do better, and I think although there is still more which I can do so far I’m doing OK with my studies. I am going to be optimistic and keep thinking it will get better even if it makes me blind.

(I sound so immature, so weak and pathetic. I must have sounded like such a stupid cow when I was speaking to him. That’s the worst thing about this- I went away feeling like everything is my fault like I’ve done something terrible wrong by not having all the right answers to his questions.)

I don’t think he likes me, and I don’t like him. It was so very bad. I am adding it to the list of meetings with teachers I had rather forget. This meeting reminded me too much of the meeting with the head of year at the beginning of year 13. An interrogation that makes you feel it’s all your fault you stupid idiot but thankfully I didn’t almost start crying in this one. It was still embarassing and awkward and I can’t help but wonder what comes next. He’s the one writing my report, which my teachers will see.

Damn.

(Can’t help but wonder if my interviews for university are going to turn out this awkward and knowing my ‘wonderful’ luck they will. fml)

[1] Last week wasn’t the best week. I was in such an awkward, clumsy mood and there were certain things that just went wrong. Mainly my parents going to see the head of year, and the head of year eventually telling me to come see him. After school I stayed back, waited awkwardly outside his office for a few minutes then it was just a one on one meeting I never thought I’d have to face.(ranting under here)

[2] There is a certain tension between me and my parents right now, both because there has always been a bit of a distance between us but adding to that recent developments with my dad (major argument over university and grades). I’m closing myself even more from them, and my dad is continually snarky. It’s really not fun. (ranting under here)

[4] Friday last week I passed by one of the shops in the village- I pass through the center of the village/town every day from school and often I people watch or study my surroundings (a mixture of distraction and boredom). In one the newer shops they were looking for volunteers so because I was feeling decent that day, I went in and inquired. Got a name and a number and phoned, only to get through to voicemail. I panicked and hung up without leaving a message and never called again. So you could say I almost got a job, but allowed the chance to slip through. I am such a coward. But it’s just volunteer work that may become paid work, and I don’t really need it. I only inquired because it would be nice to experience working, I am after all 17 years old (yay for sounding spoiled)

[5] So that is it. Last week was pretty bad but this week is definitely a lot better so far (apart from tension between me and my parents.) Nothing is happening and school is the usual mixture of fun and boredom and everything else. Which is how it should be. I’m a bit tired now but even though I just want to sit here and waste time doing whatever I need to go work on some university stuff right now. That’s the only thing that’s really worrying me right now- university. Nothing new about that though ^^

Lately I can’t sleep. And strangely, although I do worry slightly about a couple of things it isn’t really me staying awake worrying…more I’m just thinking about the most pointless things like movies I’ve watched or want to watch. Last night I thought about what movies I wanted to buy and having a possible movie night with my friends, in an effort to introduce some of my favourite films to them. And although I think it could be a good idea- was it really necessary for me to be thinking about that at 1am? These kinds of things you wouldn’t think would keep someone awake at night. Or maybe there’s something else that caused me to fall asleep around 2am last night after two and a half hours of restlessness. Either way this morning, much like the rest of the week, I got up pretty late and had to rush to get to school. I was in for a surprise though, because when I looked out the window it was snowing! The weather sure is unpredictable. Thankfully I had time before my friends came to take some pictures. This photo shows my street at around 8:10am this morning. It was really amazing…. me standing there on the quiet deserted street while the snow quietly feel down on and around me: it was quite a story moment. There was something so surreal about it, I actually had to stand in awe for a moment. It was so still and calm, a rare moment of peace and quiet. In the morning usually you’d expect a few cars or someone walking but it was deserted…kind of ghost like. Very strange. The snow only contributed to the surreal-ness.

Anyway. The fresh snow covered the ice and made walking to school much easier. The rest of the day wasn’t thrown too much out of synch because of the snow either. In my first class everyone sat starting mournfully out at the window clearly just wanting to be outside, and afterwards my friends got together for a snowball fight. At lunch there were snowballs being thrown everywhere, like some kind of rebellion with the teachers struggling to control it. Hey, it’s snow and for some reason it makes people high. But the day passed, the snow began to melt and disappear as quickly as it had come: and then it was my doctors’ appointment. We talked things through, and I’ve noticed I’m perhaps opening up more. At the end of the day I want to get better, and talking it through perhaps helps more than I like to admit. And now I only need to go once a month. So I guess I’m getting better? I don’t know. It’s all still a little confusing. I am trying my best though. I have always known that with depression, although you need support it is largely about you realising you can and should take hold of your own feelings and thoughts and challenge them. I knew but somehow I let it slide, ignored my own common sense for a long time. Although I managed to dig myself out of the worst phase I think I am glad I took that step and went to the doctors in the end. It has helped; given me the little nudge in the right direction that I need. I am challenging these thoughts and ridiculous core beliefs and I will change and become stronger. Although, sometimes I don’t like how my family knows. More so my mothers attitude.

(allow me to rant for a moment)

Apart from that- and to completely change the subject- I finally finished the move to wordpress!! Once again I’m sorry about all that, and I’m sorry it’s still a bit messy now. But at least now I’m not driving away visitors with the weirdness. And being back with wordpress isn’t bad, even if not ideal. The thing with chyrp was that unfortunately, it confused me and I couldn’t understand it which made me feel vulnerable in regards to my site. Felt like I didn’t have full control or something like that. WordPress may be bloated, but I trust it and even just a little, I understand it. I phrased that a little strangely but hopefully you know what I mean : )