Honest Lies

Today I had my Italian listening test. It was kind of weird. I’ve never done an language at GCSE or A level so I didn’t know what to expect. It seems to do a listening test you get a laptop with headphones, and the CD with the test plays through the laptop whilst you still answer in a paper booklet. It was quite interesting. But typically mine was the CD that didn’t play, resulting in an awkward 5 minutes at the beginning waiting for someone to come fix it. Once the test finally began it was OK. Everything worked. The actual act of answering the questions was not amazing and I’m not expecting much from my results.

To be honest I didn’t really care.

I felt terrible this morning. Actually I’ve been feeling terrible since Friday. My anemia was showing signs of improvement, but by Friday I was dizzy, nauseous, had a headache, tired. The whole works. By about midnight Friday I could barely focus I was so dizzy and I honestly thought I was going to start throwing up. Did not feel nice at all. It didn’t improve of the weekend and when I woke up today it was much the same. I dragged myself in for the exam and just did whatever, not even caring (strangely I’d been worried about it over the weekend but when push came to shove I was feeling to crappy to actually care). I was so grateful when the exam was over. I called my mom and asked her if I could come home and she said yes. I did come home with plans to do some revision, spend the day usefully because I just felt a bit rubbish, I wasn’t dying or anything. I just couldn’t face being in school, all the noise and being around people.

However I ended up coming home, having some breakfast and then lying down on my sisters bed (it’s sunnier in her room :D)and pretty much not moving for almost 5 hours. I stared into space, read a lot and attempted to nap. I couldn’t really sleep because something kept waking me up ¬_¬ But lying down reading in the sun was so relaxing and for once my mind wasn’t in 10 places at once which was an amazing feeling.

(I’m also happy to say I finally finished two out of three books I’ve had ongoing! Lately I haven’t been able to concentrate so I rarely read. But I finished them! The magicians by Lev Grossman, which I love and is absolutely beautiful and I highly recommended it (seriously, read it!).And Grotesque by Natsuo kirino which may be one of the few books which squicked me slightly, and also had a really lame ending and was kind of just OK. Nothing amazing, but interesting in parts.)

After 4 and a half hours of reading and resting, unable to sleep, I just felt really bored. So I got up and went on the computer. Still did nothing productive and still lovely. Not to worry about anything, not to think of anything and just rest like that.

I don’t know why but it’s different than the weekend. On the weekend I always have to battle my conscience telling me I should be doing this and that, and it’s hard to relax. But taking a day off I don’t feel that guilt. There’s nothing I should be doing because I have made the decision myself not to do anything. Sort of like “I am ill and I am going to rest. Try and stop me” If that makes sense. I’ve done no work today, and I’ve not felt guilty for it. Well, I almost feel guilty but I won’t allow it. Today was my day off. To rest, read, sleep, and not worry about everything. I feel relaxed and happy now. I needed today.

Though must say, feel better emotionally but don’t feel much better physically. I can’t take any more time off though, and really being ill is so boring might as well go into school. ^^

P.S: New Layout! Yes, it is bright green. : )

I miss DBSK :( They look so happy in this performance~

Anyway. RL update.

□ I’ve sort of been very disinterested in most things lately, so I neglected this website. I did manage to get the new layout up but the blog spam I had planned never went through. D: School ended last week which means I have lots of free time though! I should be doing useful things, if not revising for several hundred hours every day then working on the website or learning Japanese or something. But I don’t. I have done bits and pieces of coursework and revision, but not enough to be counted as productive. I do feel a lot better for just sitting around. I feel so relaxed and happy most of the time, if not a bit bored and guilty (for not doing anything…)

□ I got diagnosed with anemia the other week, and I’m on iron tablets for the next three months. I think thanks to said tablets I’m starting to feel a lot better. I have a bit more energy even if I still feel a little ill and lightheaded at times. I dislike these tablets though. I have to eat lots of fruit and vegetables to counteract the side effects and well, my diet is far from healthy. I don’t mind eating a bit more fruit, but I suck at eating veg. And I still can only get about 4 a day, and that’s by drinking copious amounts of fruit juice. So far not getting any of the side effects so I guess I’m doing OK.

□ My sister came back from New York the other day. She was all happy and it sounded like so much fun. Though me, and my parents had to sit for two hours whilst she went through every single picture she took, with descriptions. You have no idea how hard it was to look interested by the end of that. She hasn’t been going on about it as much as she went on about Ecuador though. Also she got me gifts, very shiny gifts. :D

□ I am going to Japan this summer! ( I am rather excited about it and other things to do with me turning 18 in a few months )

□ EXAMS And UNIVERSITY. I still haven’t chosen what university I want to go to and I have to by may 4th D: Also I have a ridiculous amount of exams coming up, plus coursework, plus extra Italian GCSE (did I mention I can’t speak a word of Italian?) and a music exam. fml. The more I have to do, and the more it matters (currently I’m barely meeting the requirements for my lowest grade university) I just…can’t be bothered. I’m going to buy myself some colored pens so my revision notes can be more exciting and make me feel more enthusiastic XD I’m also listening to Heechul’s young-street whilst I revise which can be distracting, but mainly makes it a little more fun ^^

□ (And random: but the worst thing about boredom is that it makes you want to eat. and not nice healthy things that you should be eating, but snack/junk good. gdi. such a epic mental battle going on right now trying to stop myself from pigging out on all the wrong things)

Results may not be as bad as I think. There is hope! Maybe. I was quite surprised to find that although my friends did get really high grades, that even some of the really clever ones also got some anomalies, some really low grades amongst their B’s and A’s. And I know it’s bad of me…but I’m almost happy? Just it’s nice knowing I’m not the only one? That a lot of people messed up and got unexpected grades in their January modules? something like that.

I did find out that I beat someone really clever in my physics exam. I almost jumped for joy when my teacher told me, and to me my D has kind of become an A. Seriously, I don’t know what is up with that guy because it is actually kind of wierd that I would beat him. Though it’s a boost to my confidence to know I got more than him! :P And, if I retake my other AS exam and get at least a D in it then I might end up with a C in physics! I hope. But then again for university I need BCC and right now I’m looking at CCD. So I’m a bit more optimistic about it, but I’m still worried. Especially maths. Maths is not looking good. It used to me my good subject!! I was C student last year in maths (good!), now I’m U (bad…). :|

I am not worrying about it too much. I had my evening of wallowing and being unhappy over it. But I’m not optimistic either, it’s still sort of in the back of my mind. I haven’t told my parents either. I sort of…avoided it and am still avoiding it.

There are a lot of other things on my mind right now too. Just…things I’m worrying about and a lot of things I’m angry about and a lot of confusion. I can’t put it into words, and in a way I don’t want to speak (or write, in this case) about it. But there’s just too much going on in my mind right now and I don’t like it.

Also, random but I am trying to work on a new structure for the layout of this place so it loads faster…but I ended up with THIS (which is just wierd and seems like it will a- load slow and b- look strange in smaller resolutions) and now I just don’t know. I can’t seem to make my layouts do what I want! or they don’t work in Internet explorer. It’s so frustrating :/

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to go to my friends for her birthday party. I hope it goes OK. I worry about things, about being around people, about her present… just stupid things like that. So I hope it goes OK. I can’t day I’m looking forward to it really.

① My friends have suddenly become interested in twitter. I have stupidly already given them my username. IDIOT. I don’t want them to see my tweets :/ I guess though they can see my tweets as it’s nothing they will be interested in and nothing too revealing and nothing about them but I don’t want them to see HLcom. I made sure to remove my website link from twitter so hopefully they won’t find this blog. My friends do not need to see this! (Apart from one, whom I trust enough)

② Talking of friends… I have this habit, this terrible habit. You see I’m pretty socially awkward as it is, and I have this habit of saying things before really thinking it through. Usually it results in me being mildly embarrassed, maybe people being a bit WTF but rarely I tend to hurt people because I say things I really shouldn’t and it all comes out wrong. I said something awful to my friend today. Talking super bitchy. I didn’t even realize as I said it! I only realised about 30 minutes later how bad it sounded, and then I continued to think about it and the more I thought about it the worse I realized it sounded and the bitcher I felt. I felt so horrible and mean. My friend is nothing but nice and supportive and yet I say something like that. I sent her an apology email and thankfully she accepted it. I feel so relieved. I know how much those kind of offhand comments can hurt and I was so, so worried. But I think it’s OK. I must be more careful though. I really need to learn to think before I speak! I really don’t want to hurt people, especially her.

③ I have this TVXQ bracelet. I’ve been wearing it everyday ever since I got it, not just out of love for TVXQ and for Kpop but simply because looking at it makes me strangely happy. “Always keep the faith” is a nice thing to read when you’re feeling down. My friends thankfully never noticed it, and I tended to wear it upside down so they wouldn’t see the message. However, my friend spotted it today though and insisted on reading it- seeing “always keep the faith”. She was like “always the keep the faith? What faith” and I replied “the faith” and laughed in an embarrassed way as I pulled my sleeve down, trying to get off the subject. She was a bit WTH. It turns out that trying to avoid speaking about your different interests is just as embarrassing as talking about them. I’m in a no win situation here >_<

④ Exams are terrible. Both maths papers were horrible. Especially the one yesterday which I should have done OK on but the paper was just awful. Even the clever people found it hard! The questions were vague, nothing like the past papers, and I just had no idea what I was doing. Two more exams to fail go. fml.

⑤ My DVDs and posters finally arrived!! Super show on DVD, don’t don repackaged and Super girl Ver B. :D They are shiny and wonderful. Can’t wait to see Super Show!

I also changed up my posters today. It took way too much effort but it looks great! I’ve had my Gackt calendar up for a while but I moved it to a different place so I could finally put up my D’espairsRay poster that I lugged back all the way from Birmingham ages ago, and then my super junior M one (decided not to put up the super show one). Super junior M look out of place beside my giant Japanese print poster and despairs ray posters and hiragana sheets! I will take a picture maybe and post it randomly. But my phone camera is crap and my camera camera may be broken. :P

⑥ Life is ordinary, somewhat boring, somewhat tiring, somewhat shitty. I’m still an idiot who’s failing at life and feels way too sorry for herself and can’t seem to motivate herself- but what’s new?

⑦ Attempting to transfer domain is taking longer than expected. I admit to being a little worried right now. I totally forgot about it! Only remember last night at 12:30am that oh shit, it expires today. Then I had this grand idea of transferring it and right now the whole process is stuck in the middle. The domain can still be viewed- but for how long? I’ll die if I lose this domain. Please- don’t let my failure at life, at friendship, transfer to failure at keeping my domain.

Woke up at 1pm and it suddenly hit me that this is January and soon School will be starting and exams are coming up. See above. But even with that realisation I still can’t be bothered to do anything, all those things I should have done already. I am going to die when I go back to school (and fail my exams and fail to get into university, which i won’t care about until it is too late, naturally).

In other news Honest Lies dot com turns 4 this year! (Which means I need to find out when it expires.) Or rather I think 4 years of blogging. not sure just how old this domain is. (more reason to check when it expires) Also have decided i will remove commenting option soon, but probably with the new layout I am planning (was planning for new year but…certain setbacks prevented it). I need to go through and delete old irrelevant posts too. Just because.

And now I shall spam this blog with pictures of super junior. Their performance of it’s you was amazing and Yesung was/is totally gorgeous, though they all have the most amazing perfect hairstyles lately and looked so good in white.

Lastly, just a reminder you can subscribe to individual category RSS feeds if you get sick of certain things popping up in the feed (and in large amounts). For example, the text categories individual feed link. ^^

Last week was pretty average. The usual happened, and then there were the good things like holding charity events that were actually successful (people came!!) and talking to my friend for ages after school on Friday (I hardly ever see her these days and there are certain things I can only speak about with her). The only thing I could complain about is the fact I have a mentor for chemistry now, a teacher assigned to me to give me extra work and help with revision, which would be a good thing if it wasn’t for the fact that the teacher I have been assigned is a teacher I absolutely hate. I’ve had him for 3(4?) years and he hasn’t taught me anything. Now he acts like there are only two people in the class (when there are 7) and is really bitchy towards me. I’m gonna put up with him and see if it turns out OK otherwise I’ll take my friends advice and say something, or get my sister to say something for me as she is close to one of the other chem teachers.

Unfortunatly on Friday it all hit the fan. The week really only took a horrible turn when my mom who has been pissing me off for months, did something horrible and I ended up storming out the house and not returning for about 3 hours. I would say I ran away, except it was more I ran out. I just felt such anger and hurt and I knew if I didn’t walk it off I would hurt my mom or say something stupid. So I grabbed the first two things I could think of, my mp3 and my school purse and stormed out the house. It really isn’t as glamorous as the books make out. I was cold, felt sick, thirst and my legs hurt as I wandered aimlessly though the village, and then went down to the river and took a footpath along there before finally sitting on a dodgy tree trunk and staring off into space for ages. Bought a chips and chocolate before I set off and eating that gave me something to do otherwise it was just me, the silence and my thoughts. My stupid mp3 player’s battery died and in my anger I had forgotten my phone and my actual wallet (with my bank card and most of my money) so I was bored out my mind. and cold. All I had on was a thin hoodie and an even thinner tshirt, I had again forgotten to grab a coat. If I’d remembered to bring my phone I could have gotten in touch with my sister, if I’d remembered my wallet I could have taken a train and gone somewhere. But I really didn’t think of it. I was just angry. I didn’t want to go home again but I was bored out my mind, and cold and thirsty and kind of needed the toilet so I had to eventually. Thankfully my mom went out later. I did a stupid act of revenge I probably shouldn’t have, and wrote her a 3 page letter (a very angry, bitter one) for her to read when she came home.

I’ve still not forgiven her.

Thankfully next week we (at school) are off timetable. so I’m going to my sisters place tomorrow for a few days. I will be able to spend time with my sister, and also have a quiet place to do my schoolwork/revision. I’m really excited and happy to be getting away from home for a bit. Also on Wednesday when I come back, that evening I will be spending time with my friends. I’m glad I have all these plans because otherwise I’d just be sitting around feeling shit and not getting anything done (and if I don’t do my schoolwork and revision now I’m not getting into university).

So yes, I need to go pack now. Expect updates in a few days :D

ps. new layout. simple but hopefully not boring ^^

It’s kind of like a mix of tumblr, wordpress and livejournal isn’t it? Well that is the aim. It’s clearly still a work in progress but it’s presentable right now…so here you go.

(I’ll be editing tags and then the pages later)