The exam on Tuesday was awful in every sense of the word. It was very long and complicated but we only had 1 hour and 20 minutes and at some point I began to panic because I didn’t know anything and it was just terrible. They even asked stuff that I swear I hadn’t been taught…and indeed we never had anything about compressive force graphs and there was a very long question on it. Oh it was bad. So bad. I just babbled for the sake of it, wishing and hoping at least something would be correct. Although I couldn’t finished all of it, some things I couldn’t even make up. Not to mention at the end you know how they signal for each row to leave one row at a time so the people still with exams won’t get disturbed? I got up and left with the row next to mine. My friend wouldn’t stop laughing at me ;_; Completely embarrassing and not helpful after the stress of the exam.
Now just one more exam to fail and then it’s OVER. I have gotten to the point where even if it kills to know that I have indeed failed and will probably need to retake, I have actually accepted my failure and cannot even be bothered to revise. But I mustn’t think this way, I know, so I will do my best for the next exam. That is all I can do really.
This week has been pretty bad also just because I’m so exhausted right now. That horrible heavy feeling where every movement feels like just too much effort, being unable to concentrate, constantly blanking out, not wanting to talk, not wanting to eat (or pigging out on junk just to give a little energy so I can feel alive)… not to mention at night I go to bed feeling exhausted but end up lying awake for at least an hour and then cannot wake up in the morning. Today was especially bad because I woke up at around 4am and was about to get up when I realised the time and went back to sleep, or I tried and couldn’t for about 30 minutes. Then I woke up again at 6am and finally at 7am I barely was awake and feel right back into deep, peaceful sleep. Of course for the second time this week I was late. And just as I was signing into school I bumped into my teacher o_o But thankfully she understood with exams and all that. I think she may think I’m stressed, so I’ll let her think that if it means she is not angry at me for constantly missing registration.
I don’t know why but for some reason the depression this week is really bad (this is probably why I am so exhausted) I at some point allowed myself to slip back into the stage where I want nothing more than to just give up. I just want to curl up and sleep and not wake up atleast until everything is over. I hate this lingering sadness and the extent it affects me. I have no energy right now. I am working on combating my irrational negative thoughts, just like my doctor said to me but it is extremly hard because sometimes I don’t even know what I am thinking, everything is just like overpowering feelings that take over me to the point where sometimes it physically hurts and I feel like I cannot even breathe. I do have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow and am absolutely dreading it. I don’t want to say anything, I do not know what to say. Right now I honestly just want to break down in tears. And most likely that is what I will end up doing. It’s extremely embarrassing, crying over everything in the sessions. Just like the constant tired feeling, the whole teary-ness is again an annoying part of depression.
But it’s not all bad! Time for some positive blogging! I mean I have great friends who make school reasonably fun. I am really happy with my friendship group right now, and thankfully am not spending a lot of time with those that piss me off. My family is OK too. My dad is very supportive, and I will be seeing my sister soon and she is one of those people who can make me do anything without giving a damn. It really feels good being around her. Furthermore, this week I have been good about studying Japanese which makes me feel really proud of myself and I hope to keep it up for the remainder of the week. Once I get a bit more of a grasp on Japanese I am also going to start with Korean! I mean- why not? And although learning a language can sometimes feel like you’re putting in a lot and getting nowhere, it’s still fun and so rewarding when finally you learn something. I am finally showing a little progress with my Japanese studies, and I feel maybe that is the boost I need to really give me the enthusiasm and confidence I need to give it my all and really learn Japanese instead of putting it off and being lazy.
Other than that I am looking forward to the weekend where I am meeting up with Amanda, Jenny and Tanya! I’m nervous because I am petrified of meeting new people, but otherwise it should and hopefully will be fun. I am not sure what we are doing, or if a measly £20 will be enough (that’s the most I’ll likely have) but hopefully everything will work out. I told my family I am going shopping in Manchester with my best friend for new jeans (I made sure today to ask whether she was OK with me using her as an excuse and thankfully she is fine with it). This is not altogether a lie either. I am going to go in about an hour before the meet up time and get into Primark when it’s slightly quieter to get new jeans, and maybe some socks and after meeting up with three aforementioned I am not going to be alone. But they do not need to know I am meeting up with someone from the internet. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that I am about to get murdered by some 39 year old serial killer dude. And yes I understand their fears but I am quite 100% that Amanda is just who she says she is. There are people who have met her, other bloggers know her, the pictures… but I cannot be bothered explaining this to my parents who will give me that concerned look they love to give me. I am lying for their good, so they don’t worry about me.
And I’ll come back alive, with a pair of jeans so it’ll be OK. :P