and so.

As you may or may not know, August 19th was A level results day in the UK and also the day we (students in general) found out whether we got into university. 170 000 students were predicted not to get in, and yeah I was nervous about it all as I knew my grades weren’t the best already and I’d found the exams difficult. I could easily, too easily, see myself as one of the unlucky 170 000.

I dragged myself out of bed yesterday at about 9:00am and got ready like usual. It was only about 10:00am that I decided fuck it, just look already and turned on my computer and opened UCAS. My conditional choice had rejected me, but my first choice had not. There was hope, but not much. I kept refreshing but my first choice were clearly intent on leaving it as late as possible so I decided to go ahead and get myself to school to pick up my results. On the way there bumped into some of my friends, who had all gotten in of course. I acted like I hadn’t gotten replies from anywhere yet and congratulated them, brushing over my situation (I’m good at that, I’ve been doing it for a while now when they get SUPER AMAZING grades and I only get like U’s!) I got more nervous. Picked up my results and clung to them until I was well away from the school. The walk to and from school is pretty deserted so I opened them up as I was walking. My results weren’t amazing but fuck, I IMPROVED SO MUCH. My hard work had sort of paid off ;___; The subject I worked hardest at was maths and sure I mainly got D’s, but I got a B in my one AS Level exams! I was so happy with my results. Even as it sank in that I most likely wasn’t going to get into university I was actually happy, as weird as that sounds (as weird as it felt at the time). I phoned my sister and chatted to her, bought some ice cream from the shops and headed home. Checked UCAS and still no word from my first choice. I waited it out, and as every hour dragged by I knew it wasn’t happening but I wanted to wait until they replied before thinking about what came next. They finally rejected me at around 3:00pm (and hey, I should be grateful as apparently some uni’s won’t be telling prospective students until today or tomorrow whether they got in making their chances of going through clearing slim)

I think that maybe there was a part of me that was expecting such an outcome, so it didn’t hurt like it should of (perhaps). I didn’t shed a tear. (To be honest maybe I was still high from the fact I got a B in one of my maths exams XD )

I let it sink in that I would have to go back to school. I thought about what I would retake, and realised I’d have to do either RE or Chemistry which I hate. I still felt happy about my marks, but bummed at the thought of going back to school. So I decided to poke around clearing and see what was available. After some poking around I found an engineering foundation course. I decided to see if there was a university closer to me that did such a course. There was.

And thus A PLAN WAS BORN. I would not go back to school but I would not go onto studying for a degree. I want to study electrical and electronic engineering, and I decided I would spend this year doing an engineering foundation course. After that I can carry on at the uni I did the course at, or possibly transfer to another university! A university I wanted to go to this year! And I didn’t have to go back to school!

It seemed like a great plan and so I found a new determination. I was going to get into university no matter what. I was fucking determined. And so I googled what the fuck I was actually supposed to do when in clearing and what I read didn’t make much sense, but I did come to realise that I was very much on my own. I had to phone up universities myself and ask them to let me in. D: Started to feel stressed, and worried, and nervous. I looked through clearing at every uni and college reasonably near by to see if they did a foundation course. My first option (option A) was the first I called. By this point I was stressed and confused and scared. I was actually kind of shaking as I held the phone to my ear, having no idea what the hell was going to happen once someone answered. It wasn’t that scary, but my heart was pounding in my chest and I was still feeling shaky. They took my details and said they’d get back to me later. I continued to research and found option B. By this point my dad was home and I could discuss things with him before phoning up B. I was shocked that my dad was not angry or disappointed. He was supportive and a little proud and interested, and helpful and really nice. The only point of the day when I felt like crying was when my dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me something along the lines of “shame it’s been a tough on you with your depression and now all this”. I felt so loved but I was so shocked at how nice he was being, how nice he had been to me since he had gotten home, that I honestly wanted to cry. I was really expecting him to be angry and disappointed you know?

Anyway. Phoned up B and they were much better, they took my details and then offered me a place straight up! I HAD AN OFFER. I discussed it some more with my dad, thought about it, waited for A to phone me, phoned A and didn’t get through, phoned A again got through and was told they’d do their best to speed it up and they’d phone later. And eventually decided B was the right course for me and so added it as a choice. Oh yeah there was option C but every time I tried phoning I couldn’t get through and I eventually gave up, especially with an offer in my hand.

And so I got up early this morning to check UCAS and see if they’d replied and given me my offer formally instead of verbally. Nope. I was just…tired. I had barely slept the night before because I was so worked up and absolutely petrified about what was going to happen, and still nothing was certain. I was exhausted from the stress of it all. Phoned them at 9:00am exactly (which is when the phone lines open!) and asked them WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON (but obviously more polite) and was told they are still processing my application and would call me when it’s gone through. OK, that’s fine. A also phoned my back (as I was on the toilet ;__;) and offered me a place there, so I had a back up option too. I was still a little stressed out but I sat back and relaxed, watched some Junjou Romantica, listened to music etc. Around 2:00pm I decided to bake a cake too, which came out very nice, but the whole process of making it didn’t relax me as much as I hoped. I was still desperately waiting for B to call and of course my dad and my sister kept phoning to ask about what was happening, making me all excited each time thinking IT’S THE UNIVERSITY when it’s really…my dad or my sister. My sister has been cute during this whole process though. Very supportive of me ♥

It’s still not gone through even now. All I got is “Your application has been sent for consideration”. RAWR. I know there are 169999 others like me, but obviously I’m impatient. I think I’m guaranteed a place, but it would be nice to see it on UCAS itself you know? And really THIS IS SO STRESSFUL. I think things have worked out for the best in their own special way, things do happen for a reason…even the things we don’t generally like. And yeah so what all my friends are going off to university and doing degrees. Fuck them. I’ll grow at my own pace. I’ll continue to work hard at improving my motivation and try my best at this course. I’ll get where I want to, even if I have to take longer than everyone else.

I am glad I chose this. I know and I think I’ve always known I’m a bit behind my friends and I need an extra year doing something, but I did not want to go back to school at all. I think just having the new environment will be better than school you know? Rather than being stuck at school, where I’d have to do subjects I’ve long gotten sick of, and put up with teachers I hate and I can imagine I would be even more lonely and bored with all my friends at uni, it seems better that I go to university to get more education and a better, more specialised education before going on to my degree. My grades are improving, slowly but steadily, and I think this will be good to motivate me to improve them even more.

Oh but I’m staying at home and commuting to Liverpool from home. I will have to get up really early, and possibly get a train at 6:30am every day. Good training for the future- I guess? D:

Tomorrow I’m going to Liverpool tomorrow so I’ll get to experience ~the commute~ as well as see the uni. How rushed is this all? haha.

But everything’s OK, I think. It’s all working out, in its own special way.

(I will continue to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.)

(And I’m sorry if this post makes no sense to those unfamiliar with the British Education system…)