RESULTS DAY.

I failed. Of course I failed. Nice consistent U’s with a few D’s and an E somewhere? I was hoping for a miracle, or even a little bit of luck, but I should know by now there is no such thing. (Not for me at least. I seemed to have pissed of someone or something along the way and now nothing seems to go right.) I kind of wanted to cry as I was walking home when it just hit me, everything did and of course my thoughts got messy and irrational, but I forced back tears because I’m not going to cry over something as stupid as this

(well it’s not stupid. it’s my future and I’m running out of chances here. I know that but I’m not sure what to do. Because I admit I didn’t put in enough for some of these exams, but I tried for some of them. I did. My Physics 1 resit for example, which to be honest I desperatly wanted a C in. but I still got fucking nowhere)

So I don’t know. I successfully avoided giving my parents my results (for now) so thankfully no lectures from my dad, but the voice in my head is quite persistent. You’re not good enough. The worse thing that in many ways I’m not upset about myself, that this is my future that I’m screwing up by being so stupid and lazy (I honestly sometimes wonder why I want to do what I do, I’m obviously not determined enough, not clever enough, no matter how much I want it), but rather I get upset that I just can’t compare to other people. That I just can’t impress my parents anymore. I say my confidence has improved, and it has, but I am in many ways still dependent on how others think of me :/ For once I want to go up to someone and be all giddy about passing something, instead of laughing off my failure well having to listen to them talk about how they thought they were going to fail (as. fucking. if.) but oh! look they got straight A’s (surprise surprise /sarcasm). For once I want to make my parents happy instead of concerned, dissapointed. (I already disappoint them enough with my ’silly’ hobbies and my reclusive behaviour. already got them watching me cos I had depression and I sometimes feel like they look at me as if I’m made of glass, about to break any second)

I came home and have spent my time lazing around watching variety shows, reading fic, aimless web surfing etc and leaving my homework for tomorrows free. Just distracting myself. I feel better now. What is done is done.

Or maybe I don’t really feel better. Rather I feel kind of empty. numb. It’s scary actually how it gets the point where you fail so much, that you actually start believing you are useless, that it’s pointless cos you’re stupid…and you kind of just don’t care.

(and this is the one entry where the title actually matches the content. though still a song title [I usually use titles of lyrics].)

Went to Nottingham today. Had to get up at 5:30am to get a ridiculously early train (really, I’m not a morning person. at all.) Train ride was long and I still don’t feel well so after a few hours I was feeling positively travel sick. yay. Got to Nottingham and had to figure out bus times and which bus to get on out of many and ended up having to ask somebody. When I got on the bus the guy could have given me all the wrong change and I know he gave me a ticket type i didn’t want, but I was too tired to care. I arrived at the university a whole 30 mins (or possibly more) before i actually had to be there and ended up sitting on a bench listening to music to pass time. it was cold. very cold.

It was actually colder in Nottingham than up here. :|

I also felt a little silly. I always get a strange paranoia that it is blatantly obvious that I am visiting the university and have no idea what is going on (it probably is…).

The time for the start of the university visit eventually came and I got a little confused finding the room (terrible moment where I stumbled upon a guy fixing the lifts during my ~lost wanderings~ and he just gave me a very wierd look and I just grinned and asked him “do you know where I’m supposed to be?” as if I wasn’t dying of embarassment) but once I was there it was all good. Sat through the usual talks in the morning then lunch, which I couldn’t even eat most of and I didn’t know anybody so I felt really uncomfortable. So I phoned my sister to talk to her for a bit before the tours of various bits of the uni (which are useful, but I was tired and don’t feel well so it’s not exactly fun now is it?). My sister is so overly sentimental. She texted me yesterday like “I miss you” and today she says she wants to “get involved in my life more” because if i don’t tell her stuff then nobody knows. no. I have friends you know. ¬_¬ I always feel weird phoning my sister too. She has her own life, and I don’t want to impose on her or be clingy you know? I’m also terrible at phones so there is a lot of awkward silence between random conversation. It’s basically just very awkward for me to phone her….

I am pretty awkward in RL too. I ended up walking next to the tour guide for the campus tour and she tried to talk to me and I think I did pretty well, but when the conversation dies you are left with….the awkward silence. the very awkward silence where you are still walking next to each other, after having conversation, but run out of things to say and unable to come up with anything else.

Random: there was a guy at the visit that came from Portugal. He left half an hour before me. Which basically means in the time it took me to get from north-England to middle-England (ish) he went from Portugal to London to Nottingham. That is so weird and freaky. Like how my sister said, driving from one city to the next in Australia can take up to 12 hours. that is the time it takes to fly to south Africa from the UK! it’s so weird to think of.

So yes. After the visit I basically ended up hopping on the bus that some other people from the visit went on with no idea where it was going. I did mention I failed at bus times yes? In the end there was actually a group of us who needed to get the station. The bus driver had to give us directions. I ended up chasing after them for a bit, even though yes I have no idea who they are. But I honestly had no idea where I was going.

and I was really hungry but I didn’t have time to get anything to eat. I was going to buy a packet of chips quickly but just my luck, i get stuck behind the extremely slow women with the large order, which she just has to change ‘quickly’ before finally paying, who is paying by card (RAGE). So i didn’t have time in the end.

Ended up on the train, and it was long and boring. Atleast I got home reasonably early.

Today has basically been long, awkward and boring (much like this entry but perhaps a little worse.)

but RESULTS DAY TOMMOROW. fml.

(and I’ve also not done a lot of my homework due for tommorow. And you know how it is, when you actually do it then the teacher doesn’t care, doesn’t mention it, doesn’t take it in. The one day you skip out suddenly s/he’s interested…)