Honest Lies

We went out for supper and it suddenly started raining. on the way back it poured heavier and heavier and huge puddles formed around us and in some areas it began to flood. We drove through super huge puddles- the water splashing up around us. As we hit the road for home we saw three cars submerged in a huge LAKE of water and had to turn round and go the other way. Of course not before I got out the car and took a picture (not shown because it was a lame picture). I got very wet- there was even a deep puddle where we had parked and I had got out. At home I took my wet shoes off, then unable to contain my excitement went outside completly barefoot and waded through the puddles in our area, then took some pictures on my dads phone.

Or area- not really flooded, but loads of deep puddles (to play in in my case)

My sister, her friend and boyfriend went out and then me and my dad went to drive around the surrounding area to see what was going on. Roads were closed everywhere, and police were manning the closed roads. Everywhere there were huge puddles, and in some places the drains were overflowing unable to take the water. Some areas looked like mini lakes. Ddriving through these gigantic puddles with the water splashing up around was kind of fun- though obviously there were plenty areas completly blocked off as the flooding was so bad. We stopped off at a couple of the deepest places (one shown above) and took pictures. And me, the child that I am and still in complete barefeet submerged myself in the puddles, wading through them, taking pictures from within them, jumping in them, running through them…I got so wet (the water was almost up to my knees in the second huge puddle we stopped at) and IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. Some guy was looking at me funny and I got wet and had to sit in the car all sticky but I don’t care caus’ it was totally worth it.

one of the worst flooded parts. Thankfully water didn't go into people's homes.

On the way back we tried to go back home and this stupid police officer told us we couldn’t go through because of flooding. Except we knew the water had already drained away (we drove through there before!) My poor dad got all embarassed, you know that feeling when you’ve been reprimanded when you know you’ve done nothing wrong but you’ve just been made an ass in front of someone and you try and tell them you’re reasons for the action and you’re kind of mad, and kind of embarassed. It was like that. Police officer clearly either didn’t know where we lived or hadn’t checked on the situation. When we drove out from our house it was so totally fine. We sneaked back the way we had come, the long way, and eventually made it back home.

Water right below my knees- and you cannot even see my feet.

So yes it was about an hour long adventure. It’s amazing how sudden the rain came, and it’s affects. The closed roads, police and fire engines, floods, people out walking…and at one stage I saw some children playing in a severly flooded area. I will also say I don’t think any homes were flooded, maybe just a few gardens ^^ the water as we went out from the drive was already half what it was when we were driving home from the pub…

And it was summer rain- so it’s warm and it smells nice XD

leaflets and stuff I picked up

Went to my first open day today. It started a little exciting and  a lot scary. As the day went on it got harder and harder to concentrate, and it started to lose the excitement. I got bored and my tiredness from waking up so early (Birmingham is an hour and  a half away) meant on the car home I was struggling not to fall asleep. It hasn’t happened since my last flight to South Africa, where I find my eyes closing against my will and for a few brief seconds I am asleep. I got scared one of the times I woke up again because my brain and had turned off and I couldn’t recognise where I was. Anyway, one more tomorrow and another on Saturday. Mainly I feel sorry for my father who has to drive me here and there and sit through all this stuff. I also worry that I’m visiting these unis and making my dad go here and there but at the end of the day I’m not going to get into any of them…my grades really suck XD

PS. Do you ever find yourself freaked out by how similar you are to your parents? Today I noticed I was sitting in the exact same way as my father, listening to a lecture about his career (which I’m interested in,too) and with what was probably a very similiar expression. It freaked me out…for a moment anyway.

nos⋅tal⋅gia : a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one’s life, to one’s home or homeland, or to one’s family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time

Today, I joked with my teacher to make my predicted grade higher. Maybe my inner despair leaked into my voice, because my joke lead onto her telling me that even if I don’t get those high grades there are still options for me, which I could end up enjoying more.

Which is all very well, if I didn’t want to go to Japan. I’m not going to delude myself…to get abroad you have to be clever, they won’t just accept anybody. That unfortunatly is immediatly where I go wrong. I’m really not as clever as people seem to think I am. I do my work, but I can never remember it and I have trouble interpreting questions. I’m really not that clever. But something like engineering, which does interest me even if I admit I don’t fully understand what it is all about, requires those brights sorts. Every ‘good’ university wants ABB or AAB. Where do I get those grades? If I work hard enough will I acheive them? It doesn’t seem possible.

And it’s hard to motivate yourself when your dream is so intangible. I wish I had the money to go to Japan. And I wish my parents would allow me to go by myself. They have already told me twice they don’t mind paying, but they don’t want me going by myself. Which sucks, because I need to do some serious ’soul searching’ right now. Going somewhere by myself just even for a week would be incredible right now. I am happy in so many ways. Having great friends, having a good family, being able to be as lazy as I like… really I have alot of things that alot of other people do not. But somethings not right.

Mainly I am a little (well alot) homesick right now. The whole “I don’t belong here” thought is wieghing heavily on my mind like a shadow, I can’t get rid of it. My memories are vague, in fact I am scared by the time I am 30 I won’t remember my childhood or even my teenage years at all, but I know that when I was 6 going on 7 and we first moved to this country it wasn’t really serious. It was exciting, I barely cried. Then eventually you start to miss it and talk about how you’re gonna go home when you’re older. You go back  on a brief holiday and when you come back you start feeling sad, and you start to cry as the plane takes off. But then you continue to grow up and you realise that you really have no attachement to that place apart from the fact you were born there and your family is there. You don’t belong there.  Now you have learnt to be stronger and you hold back the tears even when you look out the car window on the city you were born and think “this could be the last time I ever see this, the last time I ever go here again”.

But you also realise you don’t belong in the place you reside either so meanwhile you have to deal with that confusion- who am I? Who could I have been? It’s really painful and I’m not sure about back whenever, but I do feel selfish for feeling this way. I have everything, I haven’t had a bad upbring in the UK and I have had alot of oppurtunities and got things alot easier than some of my family has. But that doesn’t stop it hurting.

They say bringing kids over when they are younger is best, but I believe that any sort of immigration messes a little with you no matter how old you are. Even though I was so young and I don’t remember my home, it is that which hurts.  Also not being able to see you’re family, knowing you missed out on being close to your family(I really do envy those who see their grandparents more than every three/four years and have had a chance to bond with them) and the fact you left behind those people who could have been your best friends (I again think it must be awesome to have a childhood friend). The thinking about who you were and who you could have been.  My mom said I was really happy and exttroverted when I was in South Africa. I have no idea what changed or if I would have grown up into such an introvert if I stayed home. Just stuff like this. Many feelings come about from that.

Right now I’m really homesick, and with that comes the longing to just get away from this place. I know I cannot go back home to south africa (I don’t belong there anymore, the person I could have been if I had grown up there is long gone) but that doesn’t mean I’m stuck in this place forever.

Except it seems there is no exit. I’m not clever, I’m lazy, and well I don’t even know where to begin finding myself a husband to get myself into another country LOL (that there was an attempt at a joke XD). I am feeling very trapped right now, and once again my feelings of hoplesness make me feel so powerless to change things. All I can feel is anger and jealosy at those who acheived their dreams. What is so different about them? How did they and why can’t I? I’m selfish yes? Not a good person. Sometimes my thoughts surprise even me. However I am dealing with this. I am keeping on top of things. My friend is annoyed with my because I don’t go beyhond just doing enough and I’ll agree- I won’t go to japan like this and maybe I could do more. But it takes alot of effort just to continue with the minimum. I want to escape so badly, so I seek other escapes…avoid things that really matter.

But I’m definitly allowing myself to be a little sad this week. I am working though these thoughts slowly and at my own pace because the homesickness  just comes and goes and has come and gone before. Best to face it, think those ugly thoughts and wallow in them instead of pushing them away and allowing it to build up.  I usally cope very well with it in this way. Hopefully it will go as suddenly as it came when for some reason, just this Saturday I woke up with this incredibly strong desire to go home and see my family or get away and do something new. It’s wierd. Very wierd how this whole dual nationality thing makes one feel sometimes.

Worst Captchas of All Time

LOL. This is amusing.

My exams are over!!!

Well, actually they have been over for two days. Last one was on Friday. It didn’t go well but none of them has and who cares now. I was a bit worried before the exam but then I received two wonderful packages in the mail. My CDs had come :D I love the rush of receiving them, opening them, then having the CDs in your hands- something physical, tangible not just some files.  I bought:

• Golf+Mike GET READY concert. I watched it on Saturday when I was home alone; wouldn’t want my parents to see it. It started out me not knowing what to expect, kind of wierded out by watching this kind of thing on TV and not youtube…until by the end the volume was on loud, ‘dancing’(well there was movement but it wasn’t graceful nor rythmnic) and I was singing along even though I didn’t know the words/don’t speak the language. Hell I even stared at the screen with a huge grin on my face during the talk sections even if I didn’t understand a word (though they did an introduction in English too at one point!! They speak so many languages it’s unreal o.o). I really have a new appreciation of how sexy they are, but also how cute they are (Mike has the most adorable smile!). Safe to say it was a very fun way to spend a couple of hours.
• Rin Rin Samurai single. I actually thought I bought their Japanese album, but I ended up receiving that single. I’m not that bothered as it was cheap.
• DBSK Mirotic ver C. The back cover makes me giggle. It’s pretty but so gay. Even gayer in real life form too. And yeah, I own all three versions now. My life feels so complete for it which is so sad. And now I want to get both versions of Sorry Sorry…
• Clash- Emotion. Bought it on a whim because it was on sale. Heard some songs of theirs but never this album. Hopefully it’s good. Although it was cheap so doesn’t matter if it isn’t. (I love how guilt free buying from Thailand is because it is just so cheap!)
• Hormones OST. For Yarng Noi. Awesome song that.

I was so happy with these purchases- I love getting packages and new things. Thus all thoughts about the exam kind of flew out my head. I was almost late too because I stayed home too long to open and look at my CDs. ^^  But I made it and after 3 hours it was done. The weather has been nice lately but it became cold by Friday, and then in the afternoon it began to rain. Me and my friend had to wait behind in school until it ceased a bit so we could walk home. Once home I could revel in the feeling of having three days all to myself without feeling guilty about not revising.  Yesterday was spent working on my website, and then spending time on livejournal and youtube. Today is much the same.

It’s brilliant.

I’m really out of it though- even if I’m happy for it. I really don’t want to go back to school on Tuesday amd have to think about school and university and stuff and then go all tired and unhappy because I worry for it.

But only one month now. First it’s a trip to London then a few weeks later I’m off to Birmingham. Then it’s holidays.

Life is OK right now. All this time to myself has done some good, I think.

So my parents said yes I can go to London and they’ll pay, not before my dad asked and implied that I was lying about the whole thing and was off to do some crazy shit.

I don’t see what I have done for them not to trust me. I only ever lied once about what I was doing -which obviously they don’t know about because nothing bad happened/it wasn’t bad. Do they know all the things my sister has lied about? Well, obviously they don’t know that either.

Dammnit.

(This is why I don’t trust them either.)

My mind is a little all over the place right now. I am having trouble deciding what to do with myself. Strangely, there’s nothing really wrong at all. In fact, I feel OK right now. Yesterday I had my Chemistry exam and then on Tuesday I had my other two (Re- Buddhism and Ethics) but somehow I’m just like ‘whatever’ about them now. Sitting in the exams even although there was a part of me that was nervous, there was a part of me that panicked over how much I didn’t know…but having accepted that I wouldn’t do well I was rather relaxed, just putting whatever that may or may not be right (OK and then everything I didn’t know in my chemistry exam I was just put “23″ as a numerical answer XD Much like physics where by the end I had questions left over where I had no clue so just stuck random numbers….)

Yesterday I talked to my best friend after the chemistry exam and somehow it made things better just to talk about school and stuff, and be reassured I’m not the only one who hasn’t done nearly enough revision.

Yesterday was rather good actually. I was nearly late for my exam and when I arrived with only 5 minutes to go the quick route to the exam room was blocked off because of the exam, but turns out my friend who shares the name answered for me so they didn’t know I also had an exam and I got blocked out and had to walk round the long route making me even later. *phew* It was slightly embarrassing maybe but I got there eventually and the exam started and it sucked but I’m not thinking of it anymore. One thing I have learned is it is OK to dwell sometimes, but often it’s best just to put it behind you. So after the exam me and my friend walked home, stopped at the usual place where we part to go on different routes and talked for a bit then went home. I just chilled out really (still not revising as I should) I was strangely happy; to the point I even managed to get on with my family yesterday. I was helpful and kind to my mom, I went grocery shopping with my dad and talked happily to him. It’s strange because usually I feel so uncomfortable around my family. Thinking of the quote about how putting up walls to see who knocks them down, my parents care enough to try to knock down the walls I put around myself but sadly they don’t know how. And the more mistakes they make the more defensive I become. It is maybe my fault then that they hurt me sometimes, but still…I wish sometimes they could realise for themselves.

Today especially I feel annoyed with my mother again. I find that it is easier to remember how you feel rather than why. So I am holding certain things against my mom, but I have no idea exactly what she has done so sometimes I don’t know why I get annoyed with her so easily. But today I know it’s just I want to be alone. I’m in my “off” mode where I find it difficult and don’t want to talk to people. I’m in the sort of mood just to get on with things by myself. My mother is always checking up on my though which is irritating. And she ate my chocolate. I was going to binge out but she ate it! >_< Seriously don't come in-between me and my junk food.

I need the energy too. I have Maths exam tomorrow. I will cram tonight. And tomorrow morning, too. But tonight I feel like if I only had some sugar in me I would be a lot more motivated to go and do my work XD

I probably will fail it tomorrow. But it’s fine. I have convinced myself I do not care.

I’ll have a lot of retakes to do though. My plan is that in the first half of the summer holidays you relax, but then by the second half you are already bored and hopefully that boredom can be directed to studying. My friend said something along the lines of “will that really happen?” which is probably the truth though. ^^ I still worry about university a bit because I don’t have the grades, and my personal statement will suck but again…must not worry too much. I am not thinking about any of it.

Actually my friend mentioned there is this course we can go on to help with personal statements and careers. And it is one of those things that make you stand out a little for getting into university (which I desperately need for reasons stated above) The catch is the best one for us is in London. Right now a trip to London with my bestest friend is looking glorious- although there is the whole money and whether parents will allow it. I hope to ask them sometime. The trip to Cambridge was so fun. Although I do fear I am not the best person to travel with (I get paranoid about leaving things behind, I always need the Toilet and I cannot read maps for the life of me) she mustn’t think I’m that annoying if she asked again. And as I said the trip to Cambridge was so so so much fun! And then… London! I have only been down once when I was younger and don’t remember it. Of course we’ll be at the course, but we’ll have time to do other stuff. It’s exciting as hell.

Talking about exciting things- only a month until Despair’s ray live!!!! Although it’s scary to think of myself as a 17 year old seeing Despair’s ray live makes July 16th a day to look forward to. I hope that having something that awesome happen will mean I get my motivation back. Then over the summer I can study Japanese and Thai as I have been wanting to but have never had any willpower to do for months. And I want to work on my websites and stuff. I just need something really good to happen so I can feel motivated again.

So I’m really looking forward to it! It’s a dream come true, even more so than Dir en Grey because for Dir en Grey I had to sit through other shitty bands. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much and thus ending up disappointed but I can’t help but feel happy thinking about it. Just one more month to wait now…

Until then I have one more exam. And we start school again on Tuesday (where I will die because study leave and holidays means I have forgotten how to wake up at 7.00am every morning) and start work on University applications. Then I am technically starting A2. It’s definitely weird how fast this year has gone.

PS. I’m playing with custom fields so if anything happens…well that’s why.

□ I’ve been really lazy lately. I’ve lost all motivation when it comes to school and everything else. It started a little while ago…the lost of energy, tiredness, random pain, at the worst severe stomach pain. The day before my second exam I felt so sick I had to lie down for an hour, almost threw up then felt such severe pain that I could barely move. I felt lightheaded, drained and tired. I want something to be wrong with me but I’ll face up to it: it’s most likely my fears and worries manifesting themselves. I’m not alone, my friend is also experiencing this tiredness that refuses to go away (really, that is the main thing I’m feeling right now. Whether I get enough sleep or not- I’m tired…so tired…)

□ I should be revising for my exams but I’m not. It seems so hopeless. :( I care enough about my grades to feel bad when I do eventually fail, but not enough to actually study. The worst part of trying to get myself to revise is remembering last time where I worked hard for atleast one subject and only getting a D, and remembering the two exams I already had and how badly they went…and how any revision I did for it nothing sunk in. So why bother?

□ And then there is the stupid thoughts that come from that one thought “why bother”. Why should I work so hard? I want to get to Japan but will it really happen? It seems like a dream. Something far off and unatainable. A bunch of blog entries, photos, and music  I’ve read/seen/heard. If I work hard will I really get what I want? Won’t I just end up dissapointed? Won’t I end up feeling stupid that I worked and got nowhere? These are my excuses. It’s pathetic. I just cannot get myself to sit there, trying to revise but feeling panic welling up within me because I just don’t understand. And then thinking about how I’m not going to understand in the exam which will lead to X and Y consequences. There was a name for this type of thinking. And I shouldn’t be doing it. But the thing is, I only think it when I face up and revise. And I’m just too tired (and to scared) to try and conquer all these thoughts right now. Not to mention these thoughts are really distracting when revising.

□ I wish there was something for me to fall back to. But I cannot see any other path than going to university. But my growing fear is that I won’t get in, doing what I want…getting to Japan (even if I have to go to China first). Not only will my grades suck, but my inability to express myself and my lack of a life will mean a sucky personal statement. Yet another thing that seems hopeless. So why should I work towards it?

□ Really. All of this is so pathetic. I feel like a useless person. I feel like a failure.  I’m useless. I’m stupid, and I’m lazy and I have no personality. Really- where am I going? If I fail will I deserve it? I know it will feel like I deserve it. It’s always like that. I don’t put effort in, I fail, I feel useless so I give up (I’m at the point where I’ve given up…maybe I’ve already given up entirely on life. Often it feels that way. About two years ago I became depressed and gave up and now I’m not depressed and can cope and be happy but I’ve stillgiven up ). I really will deserve whatever happens…

(and this is why I’m not blogging much lately. Because this is immature and I shouldn’t be thinking this way. Because I wasn’t sure how to phrase it, wasn’t sure what to say to describe things right now. Because I have no motivation to blog. Because I have no motivation for anything…….comments are off too)

I am treating today as a Sunday. I am a routinal person and my life is boring so things tend to go by the book in my life. Sundays I wake up late, but usually earlier than Saturdays, I then sit and listen to music for a bit or go get breakfast, get ready, go on the computer, then schoolwork for the last few hours. Today is Monday, but I have decided it will be like a Sunday. Right now I am on study leave (read: I don’t have to go into school although they reccomend we do) and altough I was planning to go into school every day I only have two lessons today…and I just don’t see the point.

I wanted to get up at 7.30 but I fell asleep again and woke up at 9.43. I wanted to hurry and get ready for school, but I ended up putting my Mp3 player on loud and sitting there enjoying listening to that whilst time slipped by and the one lesson I would have gone to, also passed by.

Besides, I am really not feeling well. I have no idea what is wrong with me but lately I’m just not feeling right. Symptoms vary, and it goes from mild/non-existent to fml/iwant to die sort of levels of ill. Personally I have a nagging feeling this is a result of bad diet, not having a set sleep cycle/my completly messed up sleep cycle and perhaps it is an emotional thing too. Although I don’t feel stressed. Am I stressed? I thought I had already given up.

Oh well. Today is Sunday. I WILL do my work later. and I will be productive (working on my websites etc) today. Really.

(Oh and I am playing around with “Custom fields” so maybe I can format the currrently listening to in a nice way- like lj :D )

Yesterday, today, tomorrow, the day before, they never change anyways. Love, friendship, people, and mother’s love are sad and hurting But tears won’t come out. Do this, do that What do you even know about me?
How can I live like this? How do I go on like this? Today is just like yesterday. Yesterday is the same as today.
I can’t do anything about it,
So what do you want me to do?

-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2tyNzNPpNM
It’s really too amazing. Some people are so talented…