Incomparable
RESULTS DAY.
I failed. Of course I failed. Nice consistent U’s with a few D’s and an E somewhere? I was hoping for a miracle, or even a little bit of luck, but I should know by now there is no such thing. (Not for me at least. I seemed to have pissed of someone or something along the way and now nothing seems to go right.) I kind of wanted to cry as I was walking home when it just hit me, everything did and of course my thoughts got messy and irrational, but I forced back tears because I’m not going to cry over something as stupid as this
(well it’s not stupid. it’s my future and I’m running out of chances here. I know that but I’m not sure what to do. Because I admit I didn’t put in enough for some of these exams, but I tried for some of them. I did. My Physics 1 resit for example, which to be honest I desperatly wanted a C in. but I still got fucking nowhere)
So I don’t know. I successfully avoided giving my parents my results (for now) so thankfully no lectures from my dad, but the voice in my head is quite persistent. You’re not good enough. The worse thing that in many ways I’m not upset about myself, that this is my future that I’m screwing up by being so stupid and lazy (I honestly sometimes wonder why I want to do what I do, I’m obviously not determined enough, not clever enough, no matter how much I want it), but rather I get upset that I just can’t compare to other people. That I just can’t impress my parents anymore. I say my confidence has improved, and it has, but I am in many ways still dependent on how others think of me :/ For once I want to go up to someone and be all giddy about passing something, instead of laughing off my failure well having to listen to them talk about how they thought they were going to fail (as. fucking. if.) but oh! look they got straight A’s (surprise surprise /sarcasm). For once I want to make my parents happy instead of concerned, dissapointed. (I already disappoint them enough with my ’silly’ hobbies and my reclusive behaviour. already got them watching me cos I had depression and I sometimes feel like they look at me as if I’m made of glass, about to break any second)
I came home and have spent my time lazing around watching variety shows, reading fic, aimless web surfing etc and leaving my homework for tomorrows free. Just distracting myself. I feel better now. What is done is done.
Or maybe I don’t really feel better. Rather I feel kind of empty. numb. It’s scary actually how it gets the point where you fail so much, that you actually start believing you are useless, that it’s pointless cos you’re stupid…and you kind of just don’t care.
(and this is the one entry where the title actually matches the content. though still a song title [I usually use titles of lyrics].)
crappy
exhausted
