① I still don’t feel well. I sort of felt better Friday but it came back and I still feel rubbish as ever. I made the mistake of telling my parents, and now my mom is nagging me and it’s just like ugghhh. Want to crawl into a hole and die, but even that would be too much effort.

② Music lesson Yesterday was terrible. I knew how to play it but yet I just couldn’t get it right and I can tell my music teacher is getting annoyed with me. And I just, I feel like I should be so much better at the violin by now? I should really practice more. Somehow it feels like even if I do practise I’ll still get nowhere. I feel a bit of a failure when it comes to music. And I’m wondering what’s the point? Cos I’m not sure I’d do anything with my violin once I go to university. I could join an orchestra but I feel I won’t be up to the standard of people there, so I’m scared of doing that. And I’m not sure if I’ll get a chance to play randomly, and I’m not sure what I want to play. :/

It’s similiar with singing. My dad spent so much money on my tuition, and I did it for so long but yet I don’t sing ever now (compared to how I used to quite enjoy when I was home alone singing along to my favourite songs even if I didn’t know the lyrics!). I’m just left with an extreme hatred of singing, and it didn’t do much to my confidence either.

③ School sucks.

④ Results day next week. FML. (I can see it now. Everyone with their A’s and B’s and me with my U’s and C’s. I really just want even one good mark, just my AS results to be good. But I need to stop getting my hopes up…)

⑤ My sister goes to New York in a few weeks.

I admit sometimes I feel jealous of my sister. She is beautiful, talented, she messed around for ages and still got into University (a really fucking good uni), she’s good with kids, good with people in general, gets to travel wherever she wants (gets to have a life changing experience going to Ecuador). She just seems to have it all. Yes she has worked hard, she has had her share of ups and downs but… so have I. And yet I’m not getting anywhere. Not like her. And I can’t help but feel jealous and almost sad because I am just not that good. I’m messing up and it is scary how easy it is to see me not getting into university, and then if I get in having difficulty making friends, being unable to adapt and not having fun. I’m not good with people. And I hate my sister in a way for how she got to Travel, and yet I… I may not ever get my own life changing experience in Japan or anywhere. Or I’ll get it too late. When I’ve already given up (like now. I needed it a long time ago).

I guess it’s not just my sister though. I feel doomed to watch everyone else around me make mistakes and still end up getting further than I could ever. I feel like I’m being left behind constantly. Constantly watching other people be happy, achieving, doing all these things they want to do. When I am trapped, standing still.

(Like being in maths class and everyone is on question 5 whilst you are still on question one, or in physics were so many people seem to know what they are doing with our coursework but I just don’t know, and in chemistry where people are already dealing with their results and I have only just gotten my stupid experiment to work)

⑥ I’m losing sight of dreams, of what I want. I feel lost and confused. Just getting through each day is enough for me, without having to think about the future. But I go to Nottingham university on Wednesday, which will be my last uni visit, and after that I probably have to start weighing up pro’s and con’s of my choices and decided where I want to go. I just don’t know. :(

⑦ I need to stop comparing myself to others but I can’t stop. I feel so useless compared to other people.

⑧ I’m not in a good place right now. I can’t concentrate on anything and I’m really unmotivated and really angry and just…not good.

School started last week and was dull, and dragged on forever. But hey, it’s already March (how does it even work anyway? Life is so boring and crawls past at snails pace yet we are already at March. I get my stupid exam results in about a week….). I’m really tired at the moment and not feeling well. It all started on Tuesday when I woke up feeling really light-headed and nauseous and proceeded to throw up breakfast, continued to feel rubbish but dragged myself into school anyway (though certain people skive off to do homework they should have done during the holidays instead of watching TV -_- ). It was kind of pointless being in school feeling like that because it’s not like you can concentrate, but I tried. Felt slightly better by Friday which was good as I had a music lesson in the evening (though my music lesson was spent talking with my mom and my music teacher instead of playing my violin!).

However the weird illness came back Sunday and stuck around. Thankfully haven’t thrown up again. I just feel kind of shitty, and it makes everything I do kind of rubbish and far too much effort. I also can’t really eat/eating makes me feel bad.

I dislike feeling like this, and it’s weird.

This past weekend though I wanted to just laze about and recover but had to go to Leeds to see my sister as it’s her 21st birthday coming up. Spent Saturday asleep, getting ready, driving there, hanging about talking and then we went to a restaurant in the evening where we had to wait for about 50 minutes just to get a seat and it was really boring, and the whole meal I just felt very uncomfortable and DNW. Couldn’t help but think I could have been home, relaxing by myself where it’s quiet. My sister brought her friend too, and I dislike him. Not for any reason, I just sometimes decide I don’t like people and it takes a lot for me to grow to like them. That is awful I know, but I can’t help it. :/

I was feeling good that day so had a nice meal, food was delicious~ Came back and just sat around some more before going to bed at like 2am. We planned to get up early on Sunday but didn’t (lol). Then went shopping, and it was whilst shopping the light headed nauseous feeling came back that kind of made me want to go home already. I did get a nice new wallet which is something I’ve needed for a while. Slightly depressing having a new wallet and nothing to fill it with, but at least I have it? Anyway, there was then more hanging around once we got back to my sisters place and I didn’t feel well and was bored but we soon went home, thankfully. It was nice, nice seeing sister, but still would have preferred to be home. Just not in the mood to do things.

I didn’t really get anything done this weekend either. I have my chemistry coursework which I need to send to my teachers by 7 tonight, and it’s not at a decent or presentable level right now and then maths homework in for tomorrow. And I just feel so awful and don’t want to do anything. Uggghhh.

i’ve become really cynical about things lately, and i’ve been using sarcasm a lot in conversations and what not. it’s like i’m angry at the world or something.

(source)

Looking through DBSKs bonjour paris makes me think back to when I went to Paris. Usually we don’t go on holiday once a year, and when we go we go back to South Africa, obviously because we have family there. That was the first time I’d been to somewhere other than home 1 (south africa) or home 2 (uk). It was awesome. Paris is a gorgeous city and the holiday itself, even if I was with my parents, was lovely.

And then I think about how different a person I was then. I was so happy then, & I still got on with my parents *sigh* everythings changed. I’m so angry now, so ready to lash out at people for the smallest things. I’m quieter now, which is good as I’m not as mean but I know I come across as offish sometimes. I’m not as comfortable with myself now as I was when i was a bit younger either, you won’t catch me in a skirt without covering my legs first ever and I won’t pose for photos anymore (I have never liked cameras but I did a little once, amazingly). And my parents, well everything went wrong there. “As you grow up everything changes”. In some ways it’s good, nothing stays the same forever and you can’t avoid that but in some ways it kind of sucks. :|