Friday before last, my sister came to see me. We met in the city centre for supper at a hippy vegan cafe. It was a cute place and the food was OK, but a little leafy for my tastes. They did the most amazing vegan Dutch fries though. Anyway, we went to see the Bodyguard after that, the musical based on the film and starring Alexander Burke. It was fantastic- funny, dramatic and packed with incredible performances. I found it interesting the use of digital imagery and pre-filmed clips. It made me wonder if that’s the direction musicals are going to take now, in our digital age. Unfortunately, there were some idiots in the audience who kept calling out like it was a pantomime, including in the middle of the grande final I will always love you…just as Alexander Burke was preparing for that last crescendo. I felt for her, and the rest of the cast, and admired how well they coped with it. I can’t believe how disrespectful those people were. Them booing once as the villain appeared was funny but once was enough, you know? They took it too far and interrupted again and again…
The next day my sister and I had a lazy morning, then we went to a local horse and pony sanctuary to pet some horses, although they weren’t particularly friendly. Whilst there we did manage to nab a very friendly kitty, which may have been the highlight. We then went to the cinema, to see the jungle book, which was disturbing and surreal. Freaked me out, especially the singing parts. How does something like that not give a young child nightmares? My child self would not have been able to handle it. But the bear was funny, at least.
My sister left and I was left alone in the flat, with the bad news I had received at work hovering over me.
I can’t talk about it much, not as much as I’d like, but things aren’t well at work. The word redundancy is floating around, on everyone’s mind. It’s obviously making for a toxic workplace. On that Friday before last I had been offered a secondment in another division, i.e. I’d be moved to a different sector of the company for a few days a week for an unspecified amount of time. I was an idiot who didn’t read between the lines and only said I’d think about it. It weighed on my mind that weekend, and I spoke to my family over the weekend who pointed out the other option may be no job. So on Monday I accepted. Thank everything I listened to my family and well, my own gut instinct telling me say yes. Because by Tuesday we knew what was really going on. It was a long, tense and confusing week. It was hard to go to work in the mornings. I felt guilty for having my secondment, when others are facing redundancy, and guilty for my relief that I at least have this other job…for now. It is not certain what is going to happen over time.
I was starting to feel better, to settle into my job, to relax and feel more positive, with the counselling helping. And then this happened. It feeds my negative narrative- see, you were positive, you let your guard down, then something terrible happened. Because I stopped expecting it, it happened.
I am struggling to accept my helplessness in this situation. What will be will be in this situation, and all I can do is keep working. But now the horizon is blurred- what am I working for? I feel sad and demotivated. I love my job, I like my team, I don’t want it to change. I hate seeing everyone so miserable at work. I worry for myself, but also them and their circumstance.
This Friday, I fled back home to my mother and father and cat. I needed to go back to the nest, too vulnerable and scared to face a weekend alone at home, most likely stewing over my feelings. So instead I went home, to be looked after, to shed adult responsibility and it’s burdens and be a child. I spent the weekend mostly at home, but surrounded by my family. I was looked after and fussed over and got a good dose of cat therapy. I needed it. I felt sad to come back to my flat.
It’s going to be another difficult week, I’m sure.
It’s crazy how quickly things can change. I wasn’t expecting this at all, and it’s hitting me hard.