JEALOUS
① I still don’t feel well. I sort of felt better Friday but it came back and I still feel rubbish as ever. I made the mistake of telling my parents, and now my mom is nagging me and it’s just like ugghhh. Want to crawl into a hole and die, but even that would be too much effort.
② Music lesson Yesterday was terrible. I knew how to play it but yet I just couldn’t get it right and I can tell my music teacher is getting annoyed with me. And I just, I feel like I should be so much better at the violin by now? I should really practice more. Somehow it feels like even if I do practise I’ll still get nowhere. I feel a bit of a failure when it comes to music. And I’m wondering what’s the point? Cos I’m not sure I’d do anything with my violin once I go to university. I could join an orchestra but I feel I won’t be up to the standard of people there, so I’m scared of doing that. And I’m not sure if I’ll get a chance to play randomly, and I’m not sure what I want to play. :/
It’s similiar with singing. My dad spent so much money on my tuition, and I did it for so long but yet I don’t sing ever now (compared to how I used to quite enjoy when I was home alone singing along to my favourite songs even if I didn’t know the lyrics!). I’m just left with an extreme hatred of singing, and it didn’t do much to my confidence either.
③ School sucks.
④ Results day next week. FML. (I can see it now. Everyone with their A’s and B’s and me with my U’s and C’s. I really just want even one good mark, just my AS results to be good. But I need to stop getting my hopes up…)
⑤ My sister goes to New York in a few weeks.
I admit sometimes I feel jealous of my sister. She is beautiful, talented, she messed around for ages and still got into University (a really fucking good uni), she’s good with kids, good with people in general, gets to travel wherever she wants (gets to have a life changing experience going to Ecuador). She just seems to have it all. Yes she has worked hard, she has had her share of ups and downs but… so have I. And yet I’m not getting anywhere. Not like her. And I can’t help but feel jealous and almost sad because I am just not that good. I’m messing up and it is scary how easy it is to see me not getting into university, and then if I get in having difficulty making friends, being unable to adapt and not having fun. I’m not good with people. And I hate my sister in a way for how she got to Travel, and yet I… I may not ever get my own life changing experience in Japan or anywhere. Or I’ll get it too late. When I’ve already given up (like now. I needed it a long time ago).
I guess it’s not just my sister though. I feel doomed to watch everyone else around me make mistakes and still end up getting further than I could ever. I feel like I’m being left behind constantly. Constantly watching other people be happy, achieving, doing all these things they want to do. When I am trapped, standing still.
(Like being in maths class and everyone is on question 5 whilst you are still on question one, or in physics were so many people seem to know what they are doing with our coursework but I just don’t know, and in chemistry where people are already dealing with their results and I have only just gotten my stupid experiment to work)
⑥ I’m losing sight of dreams, of what I want. I feel lost and confused. Just getting through each day is enough for me, without having to think about the future. But I go to Nottingham university on Wednesday, which will be my last uni visit, and after that I probably have to start weighing up pro’s and con’s of my choices and decided where I want to go. I just don’t know. :(
⑦ I need to stop comparing myself to others but I can’t stop. I feel so useless compared to other people.
⑧ I’m not in a good place right now. I can’t concentrate on anything and I’m really unmotivated and really angry and just…not good.




sick