Thinking Out Loud

I am currently…

□ eating some Droste extra dark chocolate. It’s so bitter and utterly delicious. My dad recently came back from a business trip to South Africa and bought lots of edible things from there, and the Droste he bought as he changed over at Schiphol. :D

□ thinking of re-learning how to crochet…again. I learned it when I was child, and again when I was a slightly older child and although it was exciting at the time I never actually did anything with the skill and quickly forgot it. For some reason I want to start again. I don’t know why. I’m just bored and looking for things to do with my time. I should really learn how to knit because there’s a hobby which will be somewhat useful (I could make scarves! and hats!) Alas, I cannot knit to save my life. So, crocheting. Yay? Nay? I could totally crochet a scarf…is that possible? idek. Maybe I’ll start cross-stitching again or finish off the millions of unfinished got-bored-of-it cross stitch projects I have lying around (I have a short attention span when it comes to 80% of my hobbies. I cannot do the same thing for too long before I get bored and give up. I know that is a less than desirable quality to have.)

□ thinking about driving and how I should have really been done with my theory test by now and well into practical lessons. I am wondering if I am being an idiot for not taking the chance to learn to drive this year, and if it’s already too late, and if it even matters and at the end of the day. I don’t actually want to learn to drive…I just feel I have to. But do I? Can’t I rely on public transport, as much as I hate it? I will admit for the first time that driving completely petrifies me. The fact that if I got distracted just for one second that I could kill someone(s)…petrifies me. Having that much responsibility is not something I want. I don’t know. I go over it again and again in me head Should I? Shouldn’t I? and in the end nothing gets done. At this rate I don’t think I’ll be learning to drive until I’m in my twenties. Is there anything wrong with that? Should I be ashamed of that? I don’t know anyone else my age who hasn’t already gotten their drivers out the way already :/

□ Reading Happily Ever After by Adele Geras and The Cup of the World by John Dickinson. The former is boring me so I began the latter. I am disappointed in Happily Ever After as Troy by the same author is one of my favourite books ever, and although Happily Ever After is beautifully written the story…feels flat. I am bored of it. I don’t get love at first sight and love that consumes you so totally that you would sacrifice anything for it. I don’t know, I guess I just don’t know much about love in the end. The Cup of the World I am re-reading. I adore this book. It is wonderfully written and the medieval world with just a little touch of magic, romance, and a load of political intrigue is everything I search for in a book. I cannot wait to get through the rest of the medieval trilogy by this author.

□ Worrying about how in a moment of stupidity because of being sleepy from painkillers and boredom I signed myself up to go to the 21st birthday party of a dude in my class. So lets get this straight: it’s a) a party b) for someone I don’t know c) with loads of people I don’t know. Why did I put my name down?! D: I am currently hoping he’ll check tomorrow we are all still up for it and I can make excuses, or I’ll text him on…Friday the night before and say “Something came up!” or “I’m currently and not at all conveniently sick!” idek. I might just not show up: I highly doubt anyone would notice or even care if I wasn’t there. I don’t really have any friends in my class. Most likely cos I’m awkward and unfriendly and slightly weird (not to mention boring and totally uncool). To be honest, I’d much rather stay this anti-social for the time being. There’s a certain safety in being alone.

□ Worked up over the whole university thing and what the hell am I going to do next year?. I have visited two universities thus far  and I think I have an idea of where I want to go next year but nothing is set in stone. Not to mention I need the grades. I am constantly thinking about this, constantly worrying. What do I want? Where do I want to go? Why do I want to go there? Can I acheive the grades required? I wish I could switch my thoughts off but the more I try not to think about it the more I do.

My thoughts are all over the place- one moment here, the next moment there. Over-thinking is a terrible, terrible thing. I shall now eat more chocolate and watch something fun in an attempt to distract myself.