But if I can cope with all the sadness I think I can become a little stronger.I have climbed many walls, so I don’t want to lose anymore.(x)

Tonight I booked my train tickets to go home next week. I’m looking forward to it a ridiculous amount. I’m so bogged down with work right now that a little break would be nice. Well, I’ll probably be lugging my laptop back so I can work at home so I guess its more being able to work in my own room, and fending off my cat trying to sit on my textbooks. Things like that. It really does feel like its been ages since I’ve been home. This semester has been so hectic that time just seems to have slipped by without even noticing. Yet ,I feel like I’ve not done much at all. I’m so busy with lectures and labs and course works (aka lab report after lab report after lab report) that I haven’t even had time, no, more like motivation or energy, to do any revision yet. This is worrying.

I got my marks for semester 1 back recently. Well, most of them. Still waiting for one of them. For the most part they are, not going to lie, really good and I am honestly shocked that I managed to pull it off. I even managed to pass communications and computer engineering. Sadly got my lowest mark thus far on Circuits and Fields, although the paper was really awful so I’m glad just to have passed. I was happy when I got my marks, then the worry settled in and it hasn’t quite left- having good marks for the first semester puts a lot of pressure on me now to continue to maintain these standards. And as for circuits and fields, I am on the fields part of the module and if I don’t do well on that I’m screwed.

There are certain things I want, things I can’t say because I’m so scared of jinxing it, that really depend on me getting good marks. I thought I’d failed my first semester but I haven’t and now I’ve started to hope and allow myself to dream of achieving these things and its honestly a little scary. Because you know, no revision being done. Still a major chance of my fucking everything up if I mess up this semester. Also: I have grown to realize that failing my A levels has made me really scared of failure. Which is good because it gives me MOTIVATION and DETERMINATION and all those lovely words but at the same time it gets tiring to be putting myself under this much pressure. It’s like there’s a part of myself constantly going have to do more, this isn’t enough, have to do more, still not good enough, will never be good enough, how dare you relax when there are THINGS to DO.  Perhaps this university business has finally started to do things to my sanity.

I wouldn’t say I’m stressed. But I am busy. I wish I could blog more, and I could write more interesting entries, but I find that university saps at my motivation to blog. I’m churning out so much coursework right now that a) I don’t want to write any more and b) I am very much in “technical report” standard when it comes to writing. It makes me a bit idk- annoyed? sad? worried? – to think about how much my degree takes from me. And yet still it never feels like enough, no matter what I do. And when I don’t do anything I feel guilty about it as if I’m not allowed a little bit of time to myself. I don’t know when I became this way.

I wanna go home. :( Probably going to start counting down the days soon!