“What else was in the woods? A heart, closing. Nevertheless.”

My sister came down to the City where I live yesterday. She arrived at 22pm and we talked a little, then went to bed. This morning it was a little awkward getting ready. I don’t like my body right now, and I did not like having my bedroom invaded in the morning, with no privacy, no where to go to hide. Well, whatever. I got ready and we ate breakfast together, of course I made it, because my sister will never do things if she has someone else to do them, and then we got ready, separately, a bit of breathing room with her upstairs and me downstairs, and I went to university, actually managing to arrive on time for my 9am lecture for once. After university she picked me up, a good thing, I was not looking forward to walking back in the dark, and the cold. There was ice this morning. I was filled with a fear of slipping and falling on my arse in front of the many, many school children walking to school at the same time.

At home, my sister and I huddled in front of the heater and talked, made plans for a pub dinner. Eventually we realized that we should move from our warm spot, and a little after that hunger drove us into action. The pub we went to was lovely, and the food was perfect warming winter fare – hunters chicken with chunky chips, for me, and large coke with lots of ice to chew afterwards, still in defiance of our father even if its been years since he’s told us off for that (not since we were little girls, really) I eat very little meat these days, cannot afford it, and it’s amazing how special it felt to eat chicken tonight.

As we were waiting for our meals to arrive my sister was on facebook and I impulsively asked if my sister would look up my best friend for me, not realizing how it would sound. But we’ve not spoken in so long, my friend and I, and I’m desperately curious to know what was going on in her life. My sister agreed and brought up her page. It turns out, my friend has a boyfriend. I had suspected – I’d lived opposite her for a year, heard her and her other friends talking, seen him coming in and out of her room, they were always together at hers or his. But I did not dare ask – especially when all her other friends knew. It felt pathetic, and I felt like a terrible friend, felt like I had failed her, somewhat, that she did not wish to talk to me about things anymore. Why did she not want to tell me? Why did all those people know so much more than me? Forget a terrible friend, I felt like a horrible person. Pathetic too, as I sat in my room with my music off, quietly listening to the snippets of my best friend talking to other people that came through my door.

Her facebook feed was filled with all the places she’s been, pictures with her friends.

We’re drifting apart, I know this, however much I do not wish to accept this. It’s neither of ours faults – its just…life. It feels inevitable. I’m too shy, too awkward, too difficult to be around. It’s no wonder she feels like she can’t turn to me, no wonder she does not want to be around me…I’m probably not very fun to be around. I know this. I made an effort last year – to try and make plans, and most times it fell through, and it left me feeling shitty. “I don’t want to be that clingy friend always bothering them,” I told my sister today, and thinking, that friend who does not get the message you do not want to spend time with them. “And I don’t want to be that jealous friend who makes a big deal of why they have time for other people, and not me” I added, a little bitter. I do not want to think too deeply about why I’ve not managed to hold onto a single friendship in my life. I guess I am just a person who is always going to be alone. Really, its my own fault. I’m a difficult person, I know this. And life is not like the movies, where even the most difficult person has someone who puts up with all their shit. People get tired of it. I know this. In the end, no matter what, there’s nothing I can do. My best friend has out grown me, I think. Our lives have simply taken different paths, and we’re in different places now. She’s in her final year, dealing with different things, very busy, and in a few months she’ll be graduating, and then working, or travelling. She’s grown up, and I still have a long, long way to get to that place. I should be happy for her. A few years back as we were walking back from school together she told me certain feelings she had about school, and our friendship group, certain negative things, and in comparison, at university, she has truly been able to blossom into the person she wants to be, to be able to meet the people she wants and do all the social things she likes. I am happy for her.

Still feels shitty though, to be reduced to asking your sister to facebook stalk your best friend.

This entry has gotten very negative, and I did not want to be this way. Other things aren’t so bad. University is actually starting to pick up. One of my group members offered to help me with the coursework I was struggling with, and he was very kind about sitting with me and going through his work and explaining it, then going through my calculations and checking it, and allowing me to text him at all hours with my random questions. So I got through that OK. And I’ve been trying to spend more time at the library, slowly but steadily going through example sheets. Hopefully I’ll be able to start past exams in most subjects within the next couple of weeks. The only one that is well and truly a disaster, still, is fields, waves and antennas. My project is going nowhere fast either, and I’m worried my group are going to get fed up with me soon. Apart from that, I have been enjoying Japanese these past couple of weeks, even if I still feel a bit hopeless at it. My katakana is coming along, and we’ve started kanji, which really makes one feel like they are getting somewhere in their Japanese education. I’m the worst at speaking Japanese, but that’s OK, I mostly want to get good at reading it and understanding it spoken. My Japanese teacher is really nice – she’s not only teaching the language, but making an effort to teach about the culture – showing us random movie trailers after the end of every lesson and talking about life in Japan. It is interesting. So, I’m just about coping with university. Whatever I am feeling, at least I am managing to get some work done regardless.

Oh and I’ve started applying for work placements next summer. It’s all very terrifying and I’d like very much not do, but I know this is something I should do, and that would be very good to do. I have a list of companies to apply to. So far, I’ve sent one application and am working on two cover letters. Got a long, long way to go yet, but I do not want to rush it. That first application was a rushed job, I only found out about the placement the day before the deadline, and it shows. I do not hold much hope for that one, but it was an experience, and the imminentness meant no putting it off. I’ll be sending my other two applications at the end of this week and I’ve put a lot more effort into those, and I am hoping something comes out of it. Even though I know realistically that getting a job just isn’t that easy.

My sister has been wonderful throughout this process, answering all my frantic text messages and helping me through my first application. I’ve been trawling the internet for advice and spending unfortunate amounts of time on company websites. I’m going to start seriously bothering the careers people at my university. I want to put effort into this, so I at least can know I did my best. I hope I get something, of course. I really need some work experience. I’m 21 and I’ve never worked, you know? It does not look good on the CV. And I feel there are vital skills, a certain maturity, that comes from having worked. Not only in regards to my degree, for I do think I’ll be better prepared for my final year and the solo project I must undertake by having worked in industry, but also personally. I’m 21. I need to develop more independence, I need to grow up just that little more.

That is, if I can get a job. It’s a very big IF. :/