“On the white, bright window I write and erase…”

My mood has been swinging between extremes these past few days. On Monday I had my counselling appointment and afterwards I felt shaken, but strangely calmer and more purposeful. I went to the library and did not get a lot done, but I managed to get through some problems that I had been struggling with, and really feel like I got them. I came home and realised I felt happy, I felt almost relaxed. I did some chores, did some more work. It all felt so easy. My good mood carried through to Tuesday, and increased when, as I sat down to work that afternoon my phone started ringing. Could it be? I fumbled with my phone trying to remember how to answer the damn thing (funny how we struggle to do the most basic things when stressed, or excited) I finally managed to answer and it was who I thought it was – a company representative phoning me back in regards to my job application. “Is this rejection?” I thought, pacing across the living room floor “or…?”

I was successful. “Oh, that’s great,” I said, monotone, because I had to stay polite. I felt like an idiot. But what do you say? I do not think incoherent happy noises would do. Anyway, she led me through the details of what would happen next – dinner at a hotel, interviews etc. Terrifying, I thought, Oh man, I thought, this is happening, oh man, and I do not know what quite happened next, what was said, but soon the call ended and I shouted out loud, clutching my phone to my chest and jumping, high and round and round, flailing about on the spot like a fucking lunatic. I was so happy. (Thank everything the blinds were semi closed though) This job application was my first. I had basically seen the offer for it the day before the deadline and thought hey, its a great opportunity at a great company I’ll just try and so I did – even though my CV wasn’t ready, I had not yet ordered my transcripts, I’d never filled out a job application before in my life and suddenly I was having to write a cover letter and competency questions in an evening. It was stressful and I was looking at it more as an experience, with maybe a tiny bit of hope. I made it though. Now I have to worry about making it through the next step. I do not even know how I am going to cope or prepare or anything. I also have to find something to wear.

I have a fairly large wardrobe…filled with loose tshirts, casual tops and jeans. I own four pairs of shoes – walking boots, niceish boots, trainers that are falling apart, casual boots. I have one coat – a very baggy, casual one. I own a smart pair of black pants, but I have no shoes to go with them, I have no shirt, I have no formal, grown up coat – no fitted trench or anything like that. I have no semi formal dinner wear. I am thinking I’ll look a right idiot to get dressed up for the dinner – but I need to look modest, mature and well put together. Grown up, I guess, though what the fuck is that really. I have a vague idea of what looking grown up means, but little actual clue. I’m not even sure if I own any appropriate jewellery?! I may have some pearl earrings, but all my necklaces are cheap and immature. I do not know how I am going to do my make-up nor my hair. (I can basically … tie my hair up…and that is it.)

I am probably going shopping with my sister on boxing day. (Because seriously, I need her help. I’m almost 22 and I do not own any formal or semi formal wear or know how to dress myself for nice dinners or interviews.) I am looking forward to spending time with my sister, I am not looking forward to being out on boxing day, and I am not looking forward to the shopping. I have a very awkward body shape. You have no idea how hard it is to find clothes that fit. I also do not wear polyester, viscose etc which pretty much cuts out most of the clothes. No one wants to make things from cotton any more, and when they do, its the cheap and nasty see through stuff. Don’t even get me started on my wide feet. I really loathe shopping – its long and tiring and annoying. No one can try on pretty clothes that just will not fit for hours and go away feeling great about themselves.

Nevertheless, I was in a pretty good mood for the rest of yesterday. I even managed to rush through my Christmas shopping, because yes I have left it this late. Today though, I just woke up and nothing happened in particular, but I felt tired and fed up. I did not manage to get anything done. I did try to sit down and do revision but I was too distracted, I couldn’t concentrate. In the end, I had to give up. Its really worrying how hard I’m finding revision now, how I’m struggling to focus and retain information. It’s still stressing me out so much. I keep staying up really late, and sleeping half the day away, and I find myself feeling restless, distracted. It’s not good. Other things are going better, at least.