Exams finally over! I had my very last yesterday. To be honest, they all went terribly. I have been a mess over the exam period – I started eating chocolate again, and alongside that I mostly survived off bread and fruit and little else. I couldn’t sleep properly, I stopped doing chores so the house became cluttered and messy. I was anxious and struggling to revise, and to concentrate during exams. The exam papers were difficult. It was awful. Breathe, I was always reminding myself, just slowly, breathe in, breathe out. I’d find myself in the middle of the living room, or in the girls bathrooms before exams, or in the middle of the exam, or at the end, desperately trying to do the breathing exercise, desperately trying to calm myself down. I could never quite manage to do it properly – my breathes were always shaky, and my chest was always too tight, it felt like I could never get enough air, but it sort of worked. I think that and fast paced walks to and from exams kept me from full on panic attacks, and yes OK, the chocolate too, but the anxiety was always there. My heart was always pounding an my chest was always tight and I was always filled with a sense of dread, that something terrible was going to happen and soon. I felt useless and like a failure – why, when you revised so hard, are you struggling, the cruel little voice in my head would taunt.
I still slightly am filled with these feelings. I’m desperately trying not to dwell on it though, not to sit and fret about results. I’m going to stop eating chocolate now. Its not done me any good – my skin has broken out, and my eczema feels dreadful. I’m just – still not in a very good place. and yes, I am worried about how that impacted my exams. I worked so hard, and I’m so scared that it won’t show. But – trying not to think of it. My thoughts go like that – worrying, then reeling back, worrying, then reeling back. I want to be positive, I want to put it all behind me – but its always there. That voice. Those thoughts.
I spent a lot of today cleaning and de-cluttering. Answered and sent some emails I’d been putting off during exams. Did some other little things I’d been putting off. It helped. Tomorrow, I will do more.
My job interview is next Tuesday, already. I do not feel in the mood for it -I’m still anxious, I don’t feel like I look my best which is impacting my confidence. I want to just go there and do my best – but I feel a lot of pressure. Its such an incredible opportunity, I feel so amazed and lucky that I made it even to this stage, and I cannot help but hope for even more luck, even as the hope scares me. Although I dread that, I am ridiculously excited to going to Edinburgh for a holiday afterwards. I finalized all my plans tonight. I’ve unfortunately had to plan around the weather quite a bit – it seems it going to be even colder in Scotland than I imagined. I badly wanted to go to Linlithgow Palace and Arthur’s Seat seems nice – but that’s off the table in this weather. Instead I’m sticking to Edinburgh city, and I’m going to stay indoors as much as possible. I’m visiting museums, the castle (of course the castle!!), The Palace of Holyroodhouse. I’m going to eat Japanese food on Wednesday night, Thai food on Thursday night, and Korean food on Friday night. I cannot make these foods myself – too expensive and difficult to get the ingredients , and I wouldn’t even know where to begin putting it together- and I cannot afford to eat out often , so when I do, I always go for Asian food. Japanese and Thai food are my favourite, and I loved the food I ate in Korea, so I’m crazy excited for that. I wanted to go to a South African shop too, as I heard there were a bunch there, but unfortunately I cannot find any information online. I’ll have to leave that one to chance.
It’s going to all be a bit expensive this holiday – but not too devastating. I’m hoping that what I get out of it will more than make up for the financial loss. It should be fun.