“All that we’ve amassed, Sits before us, shattered into ash”

I woke up, looked at the clock, closed my eyes again. A moment later, opened my eyes and had to face the reality – I’d overslept again. What followed was a day just like that – struggling to keep on top of things, trying so damn hard but finding myself staring in disbelief at what is facing me.

Last week was not a good week. The horrible coursework was due and it was rush and a struggle to get the report written – my circuit was still crap, but I at least wanted to write a good report. Isn’t that the way of things – it goes wrong, so you talk about why and what you learned, try and turn your failure into something beautiful and motivational, try not to let it show how it hurt you or your own confusion over why it happened in the first place.

Anyway, last week. I was barely keeping myself afloat. The coursework was due, I had that horrible business module on Tuesday, a not so nice Japanese class on Tuesday evening as I’d been at uni since 9:30am due to the business module and was exhausted. Come that Thursday and I was going home for the weekend – wanting a break, even if being at home is actually quite stressful in a ways, at least its a change of scenery. I had that Thursday all planned out – get up early, prepare the house and pack, go into uni and submit my coursework, then go to my lecture, then to the station to wait for my train. What actually happened was I woke up late, rushed into uni, barely got my coursework done on time and submitted, rushed back home to get my house ready, have lunch, get packed, rushed back out to uni, realised my lecture had already taken place – I’d got the time wrong, this far into the semester and I’d got it wrong. I went to sit in a quiet place, attempting my breathing exercise, trying to get myself to calm down. But I’d had a horrible week and I felt everything pile up and I could have had a panic attack right then and there. Breathe, calm down. I drank some water, had something to eat, forced myself to just keep sitting, just stay there and not try to make any decisions whilst panicked. Quite a few minutes passed before I felt myself becoming calm enough to think over the problem at hand – do I go home again, or do I head straight to the station? The house was a mess and it was bugging me – did I have time to go back and do some last minute cleaning? Such a simple decision when I write it out, but to me then it was making me feel sick and shaky trying to make it. Once I start getting agitated, there’s no going back and even the simplest of decisions can make me feel panicked, terrified of the consequences. Breathe. I decided to stop rushing about, wasting money on the bus, wasting energy, causing myself to panic, and to just get to the station and focus on getting home. Just one simple task. I could manage that. I walked to the bus station, got the bus, and by the time I got to the station I was feeling remarkably better. Things started to look up – I was able to get an earlier train and it was fairly empty, quiet and so I worked on my thesis for a bit. At the next station I was feeling pretty good. Despite the fact it was raining and it was cold, I stood out on the platform to wait for my train, needing the fresh air. The next train was also quiet, I worked on my thesis some more, had supper, watched some dramas. By the time I got home everything was OK. My dad and my sister met me at the station and we went shopping before coming home.

And it turned out to be a nice weekend. I’d been a bit nervous – it always makes me nervous, thinking about being around my family, about being around people. But my family weren’t there most of the time so it was just me and my cat in the quiet house and that was great. And of course on Saturday I went out with my dad hiking and that really helped take my mind off things. I didn’t get that much work done though. On Sunday, I was back on the train again, heading back to uni. I wasn’t feeling so good – I was worried about work, as usual. I felt guilty for taking time off. But I was determined to make this week a good one. If I managed my time properly I could get things done. As if, its been another week of wanting desperately to fix things, but unable to quite push myself to make the necessary changes.

I feel so overwhelmed. On Tuesday I was reminded that I have a Japanese speaking test next week and a writing test the week after. Both of which I had forgotten about. And it hit me that April is right around the corner so my exams are a month away, and my group thesis first draft is due in two weeks but none of my group members have even finished their work. Everything is piling up and I’m not in the right head space to deal with it. I’m trying so hard just to stay afloat – but its not enough. Just getting myself to do half an hours Japanese revision or one question on a worksheet takes a ridiculous amount of willpower. And I cannot progress further. I find myself totally stuck. How on earth am I going to get through this?

The weird thing is, my therapy is going quite well. I’m facing certain things and working through them – but it does leave me feeling tired and emotional, and it takes away from me. Its really damn upsetting – facing these things, rather than denying them. I’m not feeling positive right now, and I have good days sure but they aren’t positive days – they are days where I am more willing to be positive. Where I can just about get up in the morning, eat my three meals and my two snacks, get a little, tiny bit of revision done and maybe if I’m lucky a bit of work on my thesis, send some emails I need to send. And not beat myself up about it – tell myself, at least you did that much, and tomorrow will be even better. But there are days where I think about all the deadlines and get caught up thinking of the future and how much everything means right now, how important it all feels, and I think to myself why even bother. Like, I cannot bring myself to do anything because it’s not good enough just that one question, just those 30 minutes, I need to do more, but I cannot do more, and just like that, becoming stuck and getting nothing done.

Its crazy – these drastic swings from up to down. It’s tiring. I’m still so close to just giving up.