Its Over

university Exams are over! University is over! I should be anxious over results and the job but although it’s there, sitting waiting at the back of my mind, right now I’m so relieved that nothing else matters.

I had my last exam on Thursday, my weakest subject and one I’m not sure I revised enough for. There has been a new lecturer this year and we were reassured it was going to be a similar exam paper, but it wasn’t. For starters, it was two hours instead of one and a half. That made me nervous as i was sitting at my seat waiting for the exam to start- why would it be longer? It could only mean it was more difficult, right? Right. Whereas the past papers had picked out a few topics from the syllabus to test on, this paper covered everything. Worse, just like that other paper I did, the questions followed on from one another, and no circuit topologies or little hints were given as in the past years. It was a mean paper, looking for ways to make you stumble. I did the best I could. What else could I do? Later that day I met with my moderator to discuss my project, and it was a little awkward and I’m not sure how well I did. Then I had to go home and rush to put together a presentation for Friday, which I had mostly made the slides for, but only had the vaguest idea of what I wanted to say and hadn’t rehearsed it. I ended up staying up until the small hours rehearsing, then I was so anxious I couldn’t fall asleep for hours, so I overslept and had to rush to make my presentation slot. The uni is quite strict about you being there to watch other people. They divided the final project presentations into four ~2+ hour slots with a handful of people presenting in each, and you have to attend at least two of the sessions. I went to the session on Thursday after my exam and before my meeting, simultaneously scaring myself and gaining ideas from it. So yeah, I arrived late on Friday for my slot, but it was OK as the presentations were alphabetical by surname and so I was second to last.

I was so nervous. When it came to my turn I rushed through the presentation, skipping out a lot of what I wanted to say, and fumbled over the questions asked of me. (Which, typically, I could answer perfectly as I was walking home) Then it was all over. I phoned my dad pretty much immediately, all giddy from relief, then I went home and vegged out in front of my PC, relishing in the feeling of having nothing to do.

Since then I’ve spent my weekend being disgustingly lazy- sleeping too much, spending too much time on my PC. But I’ve also been trying to eat better. I want to cut out chocolate from my life so I can be truly dairy free. And I want to get a hold of my disordered eating habits so I’m not binging on junk so often. I improved massively last year, then relapsed, and I want to get back on the road to recovery. Both for health and happiness, but also its not good financially. I drained my bank account these past couple of months with all my binge eating and even binge shopping (apparently, woman with disordered eating habits are prone to being bad with money and overspending. Although this hardly makes it better.) I want to take control of it before I start work. I’ve also been deep cleaning my house, a big post exam clean if you will. I only just keep up the bare minimum of chores over busy, stressful periods like exams. So I’m properly cleaning now. Taking care of all the small details. Throwing out loads of junk. Working through the masses of dirty dishes. It is tiring but it feels good. I don’t mean to sound too new agey, but it really feels like I’m cleansing the energy in my house.

I’ve still got a long way to go before I’ll be done. But that’s OK. I have the time after all. Little bits at a time. Meanwhile my sister is coming tomorrow as I’m getting graduation pictures taken and want her there, and I’m carrying on with my driving lessons, and I’m still shaky, but I think I am improving. I also ate pizza for the first time in years today, after finally working up the courage to go to a pizza place and ask for a cheese free pizza. The guy serving me was lovely about it, didn’t mind at all. It was good! Not scary as I had imagined, leaving me feeling silly for not acting sooner. The pizza was divine. Truly, I do miss hot, stringy cheese, but cheese free pizza is still better than no pizza. I compensated with loads of toppings, and the guy added more tomato paste for me and it was just…amazing.

Yeah I just wrote a paragraph about pizza. If you had gone as long as I without it, maybe you would too? Anyway, its nearly 3am and I have to get up at 8am tomorrow. Better try to sleep, even though I only woke up at midday. Even though I’m a little anxious about tomorrow.