Every little piece of you

goldenacre_mh1456794300175→ I had my second driving test yesterday. I did not pass. Again, my nerves got to me and I did things I would never have done in my lessons. Compounding it, the examiner this time was a mean, impatient man who seemed to be going out of his way to make me feel more uncomfortable, pressured and anxious. He kept interfering in my decisions, making me stressed out, leading me to stall or become jerky on the pedals as I crumbled under the pressure of his persistent interference. It was possibly worse than the last test, and definitely more frustrating. I can drive. I’m fine during lessons. I just get so nervous and freaked out under test conditions. All I need to be able to do is drive to work or to the doctor and I can do both, independently and safely, but because I can’t pass my test…I can’t. I’m going to have to wait until June for my next test, and pay out even more money for lessons to keep practising. I hate how much money and time I’m investing in something I can do.

→ I started counselling again three weeks ago. Thus far it’s uncomfortable and upsetting, and I am of course not enjoying challenging my thought processes and lifestyle this way. I gotta do it though. I am hopeful that if I do everything will change.

this is an amazing read on coping with work whilst depressed (which can apply to many disorders I think) and this is an equally amazing read on preventing lack of confidence affecting work performance. Six months on I’m still struggling to get used to work. Reading these though I would like to think I’m mostly checking the most important boxes- presenting myself well and trying to present enthusiasm. The only thing I can’t do is get to work on time, let alone early. I still can’t wake up in the mornings, or worse, I wake up but then feel too scared and anxious and tired to leave the house. Too much money is going to taxis so I can at least scrape in around the end of the morning standard hours. I have no energy or motivation. I am so very tired. It’s no good. No good at all. I am late to doctors and counselling appointments too. And my lack of a sleeping pattern- always taking long to get to sleep, waking up in the small hours and falling asleep again before my alarm goes off too soon, then crashing on the weekends and sleeping for over a whole day – means my head feels constantly fuzzy and my tension headaches never really go away. I’m too tense, sleeping too badly, relying too much on sugar to wake me up and get me through my eight hours. It’s pretty miserable.

→ my sister came to visit me a couple of weeks ago. It was lots of fun. We spent a relaxed weekend mostly at home doing very little and talking lots. It was great.

→ I went to a yoga class! I felt a bit self conscious but it was lots of fun. Unfortunately the centre is in a bit of inconvenient location so I am not sure I’ll go again…

→ I’m going on holiday! Tomorrow I’m on a plane to Budapest, Hungary. I hope it will be fun. I’m a bit nervous. I’m also very excited.