Today as I was sitting in Japanese class I looked over at the desk in front of me and saw a little notepad with the 4minute and beast logos on it. When the girl came back I caught her attention and asked if she was a fan of kpop.

So today I talked to someone about kpop, for what must be the first time since I got into it. It was surreal listening to her talk about the concerts she has been to and all her friends who are into it too, or will happily listen to her talk about it. Now I kinda feel like crying. I wonder what it is like to be part of a group of fans of something, rather than always be on the outside looking in. Unable to fit in. I will always be a little envious of those little groups. I wonder what its like to not feel embarrassed about your hobbies, like the music I listen to and the dramas I watch are anything to be ashamed about. I don’t know when I learned to be ashamed of these things, or why. Just I know I will never be able to ask that girl to tell me more about the clubs she goes to, and the things she does. It won’t feel right. I’m used to keeping these things to myself by now. I’ve long gotten used to being alone, and somewhere along the line I began to enjoy it. It’s more comfortable this way.

I remember that time I went to the anime club meeting, and how awful I felt afterwards. How little I enjoyed being there. I feel like that now. At least I managed the conversation with this girl. At least I somehow managed to pull it off. It felt so strange to say those names out loud. Man, I don’t know why I asked her if she was a kpop fan. Why did I do that?