Forget the dragon, leave the gun on the table, this has nothing to do with happiness.

It is currently the last day of the spring term. To say that this term has been hectic would be an understatement. Its just been go go go from the start. I feel like I haven’t even had time to stop, even though in reality I have wasted away this semester. I stopped going to Archery , and I rarely went to Badminton ( both for many reasons of which laziness was just a faction but still). I handed in all my course works mere hours before deadlines, and did no revision. I instead watched copious amount of dramas, spent too much time on youtube and twitter, and reading fanfic until the small hours in the morning. Getting no sleep, saying fuck this to the diet…

Everything was always I’ll do it later, I’ll start next week and now its the end of term and I’m still making those excuses. I admit I have started to crack under the pressure I am under- pressure I put on myself because of my fear of failure, and pressure I am under not to fail for outside reasons. I have started to slip into the old if i’m going to fail, why try? mindset of A levels which is crazy and immature. I do tend to take an ostrich approach when I become scared- that is, burying my head in the sand and pretending the problem will go away if I just ignore it long enough. Immature as fuck, really. Not impressed with myself lately :|

My apathy showed on my marks- several of my coursework marks were disappointingly low. Not failed, but still lower than usual and what I would like. I have really struggled to keep up this semester. RTS (real time systems) has been one of my most difficult subjects, and I’ve struggled with it even more than I did with C coding last semester. I feel really bad right now as I am working with another guy for the final RTS project and I feel like he’s putting in more work than I am, and doing a better job than I am. But I really don’t understand! Its not the only module I’ve struggled with. I’ll be honest and say I’ve not really enjoyed university this term. Too many course works, and boring lecturers and generally not finding the subject material all that exciting. Only two of my modules really interest me- the rest is dull, hard/confusing and just not that interesting. Perhaps when I study it then it will all just click and be OK. I hope. Its hard to motivate yourself when you’re just not interested. I’ve done a lot of electronics this term, and I am not sure how I feel about the electronic side of my degree. At times it interest me, at others it…really doesn’t. I find that I still remain more interested in the electrical stuff- big power electronics, energy generation, and renewables. I don’t know if this will change.

I also still had Japanese classes on Mondays and I didn’t study nearly enough for that either. I had my Japanese exam yesterday evening and it was really bad. We were allowed to take our kana charts in but I stupidly forgot mine which really impacted my exam. I could have done so much better on it if I only had that chart. :( I also had my speaking test the week before and I really stumbled over that one too. So bad. I really hope I manage to scrape a pass- I don’t want the money I spent on the classes to be a waste, and I want the certificate saying I’ve completed level 1 to add to my CV in the future.

I really need to get my act together. I have a months break starting now and I need to start putting in the work. I need to revise for my exams, and I also want to continue working on Japanese so I don’t forget what I have learnt in class. Its time for me to self study Japanese so I can continue to advance and learn. I don’t want to give up on it again! Apart from that I am looking forward to doing copious amounts of baking (I have missed going into the kitchen when I am stressed), going to see phantom of the opera in Manchester, and going shopping in Liverpool. The latter is something that isn’t confirmed but is something I really wish to do. Not only do I own no nice summer clothes, but I also miss Liverpool. Just a little? It was a large part of my life for a year, after all.

Anyway, I think I need to start packing now.  My dad won’t be pleased if he comes here to pick me up and I’ve not started!