sky outside
It’s 5am (or it was when I started this entry). I went to bed in the early hours of the morning, when was it, sometime between 2.30am and 3.00am and I impulsively grabbed banana yoshimoto’s kitchen to read for 10 or 20 minutes to settle my mind. I ended up staying awake to read the entire book. I want to quote it, but I could not choose a single quote, because I would end up quoting the entire book, as the whole thing is profoundly beautiful. It is amazing how much the author says with so little. I cried  for almost the entire time as I was reading,  the words blurring on the page but still I kept reading, and even afterward I cried some more. I seem to have myself under control now. My face feels sticky- my tears seem to have left trails in my night cream or something. Currently the sky is light outside, I have my lights off and the curtains open, and I feel perfectly awake. I was going to start on another book but I suddenly felt like blogging and so why not.  I think I need a distraction, something to concentrate on, otherwise I’m not sure if I’ll just start crying again.

I went to the wedding reception on Saturday. It was lovely. To risk sounding like Ritsuka from loveless, I made some good memories. No really, I was glad I went, grateful to be invited, even at times I did feel uncomfortable.

The bride looked beautiful, and both bride and groom were so blissfully happy. I didn’t see either stop smiling at any one time. Sometimes you read in books about the way people in love look at each other,  and watching them together was one of those instances where I could really understand what that meant. I felt ridiculously happy for them, and who wouldn’t, seeing how joyful they were and how they looked at each other and how great their wedding seemed to have to turned out.

There were some awkward bits for me personally, of course. I clung to my sister like a child, following her around as much as I could get away with, because as as happy I was, I also felt painfully awkward, dolled up in clothes I didn’t feel comfortable in, surrounded by people I mostly didn’t know, some I did thankfully, although only a little. But mostly I’m not social and I was at  a social event. Total fish out of water scenario.  And there really was dancing and it was a terribly awkward, swaying on  the spot wishing for the ground to swallow me whole kind of affair. There was also an incredible amount of cake and food in general, and I ate to the point where I was sure I could not eat anymore (but still did)

The musician was a live one for most of the evening, this seventeen year old who was one of those ridiculously talented young people that makes one feel somewhat ashamed, like you’ve not done enough with your life, being older than them and  having so little that could make another person admire you. That kind of talent that makes difficult things look entirely effortless. My damn phone died so I could only capture parts of the performance, which sucked.

I did  try the drink to relax thing but in the end that plan failed miserably, as the only alcohol I don’t mind drinking is wine, and that just makes me sleepy. By the end of the evening I was exhausted, probably mostly because of the wine, but still I can’t imagine what it must be like for those who had a bigger part in the wedding, and the couple themselves. I know my sister was emotionally drained. Although I clung to her because I was unsure, I also made sure to be available for when she needed a hug, or to lean into me for a moment.  I am left wishing to never be a bridesmaid, and I did ponder what I’d do when my best friend gets married. (Likely, panic and be useless D:) The amount of work that went into the wedding is incredible, but everything turned out great and  I think it was the wedding the couple wanted, which is all that really matters isn’t it.

Since then I have been back in halls, passing the days lazily, without much purpose, just idly wasting time. I think to myself that I should be doing more with this time, and I try to remember the things I had wanted to do when I had less free time only to find I can’t remember. I have too much time to my thoughts right now. I am very anxious about exams. This bizarre all nighter has been good in that way- allowing me to lose myself in someone else’s thoughts, and their sadness, instead of wallowing in my own.

The picture is of outside my window, the sky at this time is not as impressive as I’d wish.

I can’t seem to end this entry, or even to write it the way I wish. It’s very early, I’ve had no sleep, and my thought are disjointed. I’ll publish this anyway. It can’t be any worse than some of my previous entries XD