“I try so hard not to become weak”

I am a bit stressed right now, and grouchy because of it. It’s a bit ridiculous to be stressed as I have a lot of free time, but this is the sort of stress that’s more like anxiety, that comes from worrying over many things. One of my main worries right now is of course university. In particular, my first presentation for my professional skills module. I have been counting down the days and there aren’t many left now. It’s should be on Wednesday. So soon!

I finally had an attempt at a proper rehearsal earlier, to my teddy bears and the however many so walls of my room. Not quite an audience but they are all I have. I also finally sat down and edited out numerous errors in my slides, and completed my cue cards. Completing my cue cards involved…well. I wanted to time my presentation but I could not find a stop watch on my phone so I decided instead to use the voice recording function. I saved a few of my test presentations and went over them earlier to see how I managed earlier run throughs, and it was enough to put me off presenting for life. There is something about hearing your own voice that is so very awkward and embarrassing. I had to force myself to keep listening, and to concentrate on what I was saying, rather than how. I really hate hearing myself speak. Hearing those 10 minutes of attempting my presentation I was also reminded of just how much I hate my accent. I tried so hard to keep my South African accent, and I was ‘rewarded’ by ending up with something that is very odd. Most of the time I sound posh English, the sort of accent that  people may (stereotypically) think of when they say “British” . However, listening to my voice, there were times I could hear my accent slip and hint at something else, but its so lost in the British that it just sounds strange and distracting. I also found myself using my phone voice in one of my test presentations, the over pronounced, forced polite, overly sweet sort of voice. I sounded about 15 there, and strangely, more South African. So it seems my original accent comes out a) when I am angry and b) when on the phone. How…odd. I wish I had a more defined accent. A nicer accent. I wish I still had my South African accent.

Anyway. Despite my attempts at preparation this presentation refuses to come together. I picked a topic, researched it, put together a presentation, could not find a way to present it effectively, rewrote it and arrived at the point I am now, where I am filled with doubts as it still does not seem quite right. The presentation starts of reasonably strongly but slightly derails off to the end, if I let it. Its a struggle to reach a conclusion, to wrap things up in a way that feels right. As a whole, I don’t think this presentation is particularly inspiring, or even interesting to other people, but I do like the topic so hopefully I can manage, for just a few hours in my life, to show some of the emotions I am feeling and maybe then my tutor won’t find it dull, or pointless.  I really do feel uncertain about the whole affair. I have absolutely no confidence about it, not at all.

Other university things:  I have maths coursework due next week that I cannot do, which is a bit not good. Numerous other projects and revision things are going equally not well. Ugh. And I still feel so terribly lazy. I cannot believe that exams are only a couple of months away. No, under a couple of months. That’s fucked up, that is. I have only just gotten over the stress and pain of the last lot- and now I have three more?! I know, I should be more positive. I still have two months. I need to do my best, because once this is over, if I do well, I will have finally reached my goal. the last one: the get onto the MEng one. I just need to persevere for two more months, then I am off to Japan, I am going back to the UK and yes, that sucks in some ways, but I will be able to sleep in my own bed and cuddle my cat and eat as much pork as I like (I think every meal for the first week will just about do it!).

It’s a little sad, and I’m not ready to admit it out loud to anyone, but I think in some ways I really am ready to go back. It’s not Malaysia in particular, its more I have had enough of university, and living in halls and yes, there are things I miss. This is a bit cold-hearted isn’t it? That’s why I won’t admit it out loud.