“And I don’t want to be the kind that says the wrong way.”

→ I’m currently sat writing this in public. It’s more than a little nerve-wracking but then my laptop needs charging and the plugs aren’t working in halls. Yes, lights and air con are thankfully OK but not a single plug in my room works. I discovered this yesterday the hard way- when I stepped into the shower and found it was cold. Having already conditioned my hair I had no choice but to endure a long shower as I attempted to wash my hair in the icy water. As anyone who does not use shampoo knows – you need hot water to make it work. Washing your hair in cold water? Just leaves the hair looking lanky and gross. Last night I ended up sat in the same public place when my laptop died and it was not too bad- I ate grilled chicken and naan bread smothered in garlic sauce as I read, and then I bumped into a friend and we sat chatting for a bit. But I was still hoping that the plugs would be working today. They are not. Of course there are no emails about planned maintenance, and as it’s the weekend there is no one I can go report this to. I know its not just my room as the girl down the hall- who I do not know, making this quite awkward- knocked on my door in order to ask if my plugs were working, and so I assume hers weren’t too. Essentially, the whole situation is ridiculous but there is quite literally nothing can be done. Typical of life in student halls, to be honest.

→ Exams finished this week on Thursday. Neither my mathematics nor my electronic engineering exams went well. For mathematics I managed to stay very calm and level headed, but that did not change the fact that the paper was asking us to differentiate tan and integrate sec and I have not done this since high school. That was the first question. The second question was alright- actually,  more than that. There was a part of that question that I’d attempted in the past years and been unable to do, but something clicked during the exam and I totally got it. I completed the whole question and I understood it. It was amazing. Then the last question. At first glance, I thought it was OK. I went into it confidently and got the first part done, then I reached the second part and realized it was not as similar to the past year as I had expected and that I had no idea what to do. I did not get anxious or panic, but that did not stop my mind from going blank. I decided to attempt another question- the way the exam is set up is that there are 4 questions and you get marks for the best 3. Usually I just pick 3 to answer, but this time I attempted them all. In the end out of all four I only managed to do one completely, the first was just method and the last two were half done. It was not good. After that I had to cram for electronic engineering but I admit, I did feel reasonably confident about it. I was worried but not too worried about it. I should have been. This exam was weird. There were questions stuff we had not even been taught. I could manage to answer all the questions, bar a few at the back. But I did not leave that exam feeling as confident as I wanted to.

To say I am worried about this all is an understatement, but I’m trying not to let it hang over me. After my last exam on Thursday I bought a huge bar of chocolate and then just sat down to wallow in misery so that I could get over it. And I am OK now. I will be OK. I just want to enjoy my time now, here in Malaysia and in Japan. I’m trying to eat better, catch up on sleep and relax. What is done is done and I tried so hopefully… hopefully…

→ I’m really lucky that my exams are so soon , actually. Most people I talk to only finish on the 27th of May. But now I have a whole week to get myself organized for moving and Japan, to relax and oh yes, to go out into KL as much as possible! On Friday I went out to Midvalley for a little while and it was glorious to get out of my room and to not be stuck in the library. I had a delicious ice blended from boost and then mostly window shopped, before grabbing a handful of groceries. Then Saturday was Saturday. I spent most if it asleep or reading. Today I’m probably heading out to KLLC. I did think about going out for big touristy day today but in truth I’m tired and cannot be bothered, and will wait until next week before I attempt it. I admit I am probably also putting it off as I find KL difficult to navigate and very pedestrian unfriendly, and there is no way I am getting into a taxi by myself. So as much as I want to go to certain places, I’m unsure of how to get there. And yes, I do feel self conscious on my own in KL. Not all the time but…sometimes. People can stare. Well, today I’ll make baby steps towards my goal and I shall go for a walk around KLCC  park, take some pictures of the towers, get some shopping done and come back. Hopefully it shall be relaxing and manageable as a day. Exams really have left me feeling drained.

“Constant fear of falling erases even your will to fly”

I’ve got Nine Muses new mini album on repeat right now. I’m not sure how I feel about the PV for “Wild”, but the mini album is wonderful. “Spotlight” and “action” are brilliant, mature pop tracks and OK, “wild” is not too bad either. It’s great to have something new to listen to- K pop is constantly disappointing me lately, and I’m very out of touch with the Japanese music scene. Although, there is always the old favourites to turn to. Actually, I was listening to Ayu’s album “secret” when I saw it had been released in 2006 and I realized I had been listening to Japanese music for about eight years now. That’s a little crazy, to think of myself, 13 years old and discovering the likes of Hamasaki Ayumi and Gackt for the first time, falling in love with Japan and the Japanese language. Eight years later and I’ve still not managed to learn more Japanese than “Arigatou” but I’m about to visit Japan for the 2nd time. Of course, before that I’ve got exams to get through first.

Currently, I’m spending a large chunk of my time in the library studying with my friend and it’s amazing how much more tolerable long hours struck in the library, tired and hungry and frustrated with endless revision, is when not alone. My friend has been helpful and we’ve had a lot of random conversations to break up the time. I realized this is the very first time I’m really talking to a guy, beyond the polite non-conversation, and its interesting. I’m still worried about saying too much,  becoming too comfortable but mostly I’m relaxed and its easy and enjoyable to not be alone. He’s also been wonderfully tolerant of my moaning. I realized this week that I can be incredibly whiny. I don’t mean to but something my friend said, maybe his tone made me realize just how much I had been complaining and I felt a little embarrassed. I don’t want to be one of those people that only has negative things to say. I have friend who is like this- but in the opposite way. She’s very upbeat and positive, very ME ME ME about it all to- listen to how wonderful my life is, and listen to me telling you that everything is wonderful in your life too…sometimes you just want to shake her and tell her that sometimes things are not OK, and that’s its OK to admit to that. But then there’s me and I realized that lately I’ll been all ME ME ME, listen to how much my life sucks and its like, shut up already self. My friend has been so wonderfully patient with my whining but I highly doubt he wants to listen to it all the time. I’ve definitely got to try and be more positive.

Even though, things are hard right now. I’m still very stressed out and anxious. I had my first exam yesterday which was my weakest subject- telecommunications. I had been stupidly hopeful that because I had worked, I had revised I would manage to scrap a pass. Alas,  it really did not go well at all. I opened the paper and my mind just went blank. I knew the first two questions, they were exact copies of the past papers and tutorials I had done multiple times but I just could not remember. I just could not think. Then it got to the last two questions and all I wanted to do was cry. They were strange questions, difficult questions. The more I went over the questions, the more my mind went blank.  The more I tried to think, the more I could not. The more panicked and anxious I became. By the end of the exam I was near tears. I knew it. I did . And yet, I could not do it. Worse, I was talking to my friend today and I really did make some very stupid mistakes that I should not have. I should have done better. I am terrified. In order to progress to the MEng I have to pass all my exams. Its the first requirement. But for this subject I fucked up the lab report, and now the exam too.

Thursday night, I was so sad and disappointed that I could not concentrate and although I went out to the library to study I ended up getting nowhere. My brain still would not get into gear. Today, too, I struggled to concentrate on revision. I’m so close to finishing this year, but I’ve already lost motivation. I think that I’ve become  so scared of failure that it has paralysed me and that is so ridiculous. Snap out of it, I tell myself. But I’m like that overly positive friend telling me to cheer up- empty words that don’t do very much at all but frustrate the one who has to hear it. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to fix this, I think. I don’t know how to “snap out of it” I don’t even really know what I’m feeling or why. It’s all a bit crazy.

Today, I woke up fairly late, then tried to bring some order to my room in preparation to getting it cleaned. With exams and everything I turned my back on cleaning and it just started to pile up, so seeing so I can get my room cleaned for free, I decided I would. I was not prepared for it. They were supposed to come at 1.00pm. At 1.30pm I was frantically pacing, wondering where they were. Then there was the knock on the door. I stepped out. They stepped in.  I heard…noises. Out of the corner of my eye I saw them moving things. I tried to look busy by fucking around on my phone but curiosity and nervousness made it difficult to concentrate on anything. My room really was in a terrible state and I know they deal with students and they’ve probably seen it all, but I still could not help imagine them judging me. In the end they gave my room the ruthless, thorough cleaning it needed. They did move some things, and accidentally threw away a pair of my socks, but I think that’s a fair price for how glowy and clean my room is now. It’s nice to have a clean, shiny environment. And OK, its pretty great to have that without having lifted a finger myself. One less thing for me to stress about, you know?

After my room was cleaned it was back to the library, sitting by my friend and trying to get stuff done. Today was slightly better than last night, admittedly. Most of the crushing disappointment has lifted, and my friend’s reassurances that everything will be OK actually did help, because sometimes you do need to hear things like that. And there’s a clear  difference between me and the person I used to be- the person I was would say “If I’m going to fail, why bother?” but now even if I feel like I’m going to fail, I’m not going down without a fight. I cannot let my fear of failure stop me from even trying. My next exam is on Tuesday- which will be mathematics. Then my last is on Thursday- electronic engineering. As much I long for them to done with already, I need to stay positive and work hard.  No matter how exhausted and sick of everything I feel, I gotta keep fighting my way towards my dream. Towards the future. I will not give up on (my) life again. I must not.

I do wish though that there wasn’t the constant threat of ” too late.”

“More I feel, my heart gets worn out…”

Today has been surprisingly relaxing. Or at least, I find myself in a relatively good mood today. I think this is a lesson how less stressful and emotional a day will unfold when one a) wakes up on time b) eats properly and c) doesn’t procrastinate and gets things done.

I woke up courtesy of my dad phoning me at 7am. No, I actually wanted him to! One of the good things about the time difference between us is that when it is my morning/waking up time it is my fathers night/going to bed time, which means I am not actually inconveniencing him by asking him to give me a quick call in the morning to wake me up. The first few moments of the conversation are always awkward, as I struggle to wake up, but then we chat, just idle conversation about this and that. My dad told me about his weekend –  how he has gotten a headache again and is thinking of starting up the paleo diet (for what time again is this now? I think to myself), how he bought himself a new smart phone (apparently my mother has one too, now, and actually enjoys and is able to use it. The image of my mother being tech savvy is baffling and I earn new respect for the smart phone), how his training is going for Japan. I tell him about the headache I have, about my presentation, how I think he’s ridiculous for training for Japan. You see we are planning to do some walking in Japan. The biggest walk will be hiking Mt Tokachi in the daisetsuzan national park. An actual mountain with an actual altitude. The trail is anything from eight, to ten, as many as we want hours. It’s going to be tough. As such, my father has decided to start dieting and go for regular weekend hikes. All right. But here’s where it gets funny- its all  in order to get up to ‘my level’. Which makes me laugh because ‘my level’? Yes, I am significantly younger. I also spend all my time in the library or sat in front of the computer, with my only exercise being walking to an from the library and to and from the canteen/7 11. It is not a long, difficult walk. And oh yeah, I’m anemic. It’s like Father, even at your age you are probably fitter than me. This is a grand example of how much my Father loves to Plan and Prepare. Then again, I do wonder if I should be trying to squeeze some training in myself. I found Bukhansan in Korea hard and that was a peak, not a mountain. Alas, I have no one to go with, as well little clue where to go. Then there is the whole having exams thing, which means I have to be stuck in the library and in my room, studying. Sedentary.

I wish I could be training together with my dad. It sounds like fun.

Well, conversation wrapped up without me managing to convince my dad to stop worrying (he is who I get my indecision and tendency to worry from, though I manage to be worse) and off my dad went to bed, and I stumbled to my computer to turn it on so I could get on with my work. I had a lab report due today. Finishing it was one of the reasons I had to wake up early today, and why I got my Dad to ensure that I did. The thing is- I only started this report on Saturday. I found out on Friday that it is worth 20%. I have no idea why it is worth so much, but it was was and I stupidly forgot about it, put it off, willingly forget, I don’t even know what, in the mess of all the other deadlines. I somehow managed to finish it, but it is honestly one of the most rushed, sloppy pieces of work I’ve ever turned in. I just figured I’d get more marks turning in a rubbish piece of work in on time rather than handing it in late or not at all. So I did. I polished it off this morning, printed it and turned it over for marking. Then I came back to my room to run through my presentation as much as I could, before I had to go and get it over and done with.

I was so nervous I was almost shaking, and in my second run through at lunch time my nervous stammer had began to force its way into my speech. In the end, for all my nerves, for all my fear,  the actual result was not so bad. It was anti-climatic, in a way.  I mean it was not good. Neither was it bad. It was just…boring and unremarkable. I had someone really  interesting before me talking about google glass in  a very competent,  interesting way and everyone loved it. Mine? I could tell everyone was really bored and slightly baffled by my topic choice. Once again, everyone chose technical things and I…did not. There were two lecturers marking it and one of them kept yawning and shifting throughout. The other actually asked me at the end during the Q&A why I had chosen this topic and I hesitated before I said “because I am interested in energy generation and its effects?” which was not a very impassioned way of describing  my very real interest in it. And is not even coherent. In fact, the more I reread through my answer the more I realise the extent that it does not make sense. (Naturally, I thought of the perfect answer five minutes later as I was thinking over it) Then the other lecturer, the one who was bored, asked me for the exact price of electricity in Africa? Whilst inside I was all O_O out loud I ventured a, “I don’t know the exact figures but definitely expensive?” How dumb did I seem. Also there were technical problems halfway through my presentation- the computer just froze on me suddenly, randomly. I was terrified it was going to crash but thankfully it woke up again. I don’t think anyone noticed, really. They were all too bored by that point. On the plus side, and there is only one plus, is that compared to last time where I rushed, I did manage to speak slower this time, if not slowly. And I made sure to pause often just to give myself a chance to relax for a second, don’t panic, just slowly get through it. I did not stammer either, as I had feared. But basically – I still hate this subject. And I am fearful of what my grade will be.

Afterwards I met up briefly with my friend to pass on some work, and then he insisted on taking pictures with me which was so fucking awkward. I hate having my picture taking T_T I’m not sure if I even smiled. I do know I was tense, and probably looked that way even if I managed to muster a smile. (Honestly, I’m like Chandler in friends. Stick me in front of a camera and immediately my expression deforms…)

I came back and indulged in some down time, not fretting over deadlines, just had a good supper, watched dramas…changed the layout round here. Yes, I decided I would change the layout again. I’m sorry, I just could not handle the other one. Promise I’m not going to be that website owner who changes theme every week. This one is it, OK? (…I hope.)

I should be going to the library round about now, but I may continue my evening of relaxation. :/

“Will the moon understand my loneliness? Wonder if the stars understand my scars.”

Yesterday actually turned out to be a lovely day. I had one lecture in the afternoon, so I slept in and took my time to get ready. Once I got to lecture my friend told me he’d pick me up later, which was very helpful, then went off before I could ask him to be just a little bit more specific. I managed to get his attention after the lecture and he told me he’ll pick me up in 15 minutes. Ok, so I was no expecting such a small time frame. I rushed back to halls and threw everything into my handbag and only just noticed he’d texted me that he was already there. 5 minutes early. Typical. I rushed out and met him outside halls and then we drove to the mall. We chatted the whole way and it wasn’t awkward, you know. It was actually quite nice. i mean, I did say some things that made me go fuck self, really but not as bad I can get. Nothing mortifying. At the mall we went and ate supper- subway sandwiches, and he bought us these Chinese sesame snacks which were very tasty. The one had a peanut filling, and the other had something called lotus(?) in them. I have no idea what that is. Poor guy could not explain in English either XD We finished just on time for the movie. By this time I was nervous…because he kept telling me we were going to see a horror movie, after I told him I’d watch anything but horror. Oh I knew he was joking, but I wasn’t quite sure. Thankfully, It turned out to be a action movie. He seemed greatly amused at my relief. ¬__¬ It was a terrible movie, but in a fun way. We giggled and whispered to each other throughout which only made it more entertaining. Its also really weird and interesting that in this country they blank out the audio every time a character swears, which makes for an intriguing movie experience!

Once the movie was over, my friend drove me back to halls, and we still talked and I was actually still managing to not make a fool of myself.

I think though… I think I’m more socially awkward when you first meet me. If you get through the initial “did she really just say what I thought she said?” and bouts of uncomfortable silence as you wait for me to respond, and don’t make a HUGE DEAL of the fact that I am shy, then its actually ok. It’s just, most people don’t get past the shyness, or make a huge deal out of and make me feel even more uncomfortable than I already probably am. (seriously, if someone is shy don’t draw attention to it, please? it’s like saying well, this is awkward and effectively making it more so) There are so few people who will stick around. Who will make an effort to get past and to accept the silences, the offishness and the awkwardness, and see the other parts of my personality. I’d like to think that I am more than just shy and awkward, that underneath that there is something worth getting to know. :( But there are few who will take my personality just as it is, and accept it.   I cannot believe this person seems to have.

Anyway, I had a lovely time. You know , this was the first time I went outside of uni with someone I met at uni? And it wasn’t nerve wracking. I came back and I wasn’t exhausted, just really relaxed and happy, because I had been exactly myself. That sounds weird, but I have such trouble trusting people that I am constantly putting up walls, getting anxious, and I rarely relax and be myself. I always look forward to seeing my sister or my best friend, as they have always been the only ones that I can let my guard down around, and that is such a fucking relief you know. it feels so wonderful jut to be myself for even a few hours and not to have to worry about it. in this case, not have to worry too much. I’m not entirely trusting this person yet. Really, it makes me terrified to think I am beginning to trust them, because I don’t want to. I want to put my walls back up and stay hidden behind them, always. I have been hurt before, and I don’t want to be hurt again. And it also makes me so, so sad that I’d have to make someone I would sorta call a friend here. Although I sometimes think to myself I’m ready to leave Malaysia, sometimes I do think I don’t want to leave. I’m conflicted, basically. There are definitely some things I will miss about here. I have begun to feel slightly settled here.

That’s the thing about studying abroad for a year. It is that you go for a year, which gives you the safety of a return ticket, but you are going for a year, which gives you plenty of time to settle, then having to leave just as you think to yourself, yeah, I’m doing OK here. And I do miss things about the UK. When I get frustrated or down its reassuring to think about going back. But at the same time I don’t like the UK. I’ve never felt like I fit there. It’s never felt right. It’s not my home and I’ve never thought of it such. I don’t know. Maybe when I go back the time away will have uncovered some fondness for the country?

Its just, more than that,I am dreading going to university for third year back in the UK. I did not make any friends in first year, and by third year everyone will be in pretty solid friendship groups. Where am I going to fit in? I did not fit in the first time, after all. I’m too shy, I don’t drink and I don’t go clubbing and in the UK if you don’t do those things, making friends becomes infinitely harder. Almost too hard to bother. I have a huge group project next year and I worry. Who will I be with? Will I get on with them? It’s wierd. I have been in a different university every single year for the past three years, and now I am returning to the same one as first year. Just.. it makes me nervous.

And I do feel sad that I’m probably never going to see, or speak to, these friends I’ve begin to make here ever again. :( I want to onto onto these friendships somehow, even though I’m not sure if they are actually friendships, if I’m not making a big deal out of nothing (as I tend to do, admiteddly). I don’t know. Just, I had so much fun yesterday. And studying in the libary. Sitting whispering to each other in lectures. All these small things I’ve never had in my foundation or first year of uni. All these tiny little social interactions that I did not think I needed or would enjoy, but I do. I do.

It’s always on my mind now. Just two months to go. I cannot believe how quickly the time is going. I’m starting to get really scared. About my last bunch of exams, about going to Japan, and finally, going back to the UK. It’s just happening so quickly.

“There’s an innocence I possess. But you, you keep snatching it away, even from the smallest openings”

pavilin_2
pavilin_2
The past week has been a particularly stressful one, despite having a lot of free time deadlines are beginning to pile up, and exam time tables have even been released which means I’ve had to start getting serious about revision. That is, I am going to have to. Last week I was preoccupied with a particularly awful maths coursework due on Thursday.

I’d been good and started it when it was issued, weeks ago, but every time I sat down to it I became lost and confused. I literally could not do it. This meant that by Wednesday I still had not completed a single question. Thus, I found myself sat in the library with my friend for the majority of Wednesday afternoon, struggling through it together. We did as much as we could, then went home. I took a break then sat down to work on it some more, found the stupid error that was messing up everything, and then redid most of it all over again. At 1am I was lying awake and reading, when my friend texted me. I offered to help him. So he came by my halls and we sat and discussed it for a little bit. That was awkward. I was bare faced, with wet newly washed hair and in my pajamas. Thankfully in the time it took for him to drive here I had managed to get dressed at least, but I still wonder at the fact that he drove all the way here for my work. Well, in the end  I completed my maths coursework about an hour before the deadline and by skipping all my lectures on Thursday. A job well done, clearly. Honestly, by the end I was near crying with frustration. I wanted to do better this semester, but I am still struggling. It’s not like I am not trying to be good and getting things done- its just  cannot do it. I spend hours struggling with just a handful of questions, or reading through notes that might as well as be in Russian for all I understand them. That is why I am so, so grateful for this friend. It is so good to have support from someone. But it’s so frustrating that I had to find someone like that here, when I have so little time here. :/

After the stress of Thursday, I was badly in need of a break. In a lucky coincidence my lecture was cancelled on Friday so off I went to KL to shop. I’d given myself a generous budget for the day and was quite excited. Naturally, the day would go terrifically wrong.

{Lengthy post under the cut}