“There’s an innocence I possess. But you, you keep snatching it away, even from the smallest openings”

The past week has been a particularly stressful one, despite having a lot of free time deadlines are beginning to pile up, and exam time tables have even been released which means I’ve had to start getting serious about revision. That is, I am going to have to. Last week I was preoccupied with a particularly awful maths coursework due on Thursday.

I’d been good and started it when it was issued, weeks ago, but every time I sat down to it I became lost and confused. I literally could not do it. This meant that by Wednesday I still had not completed a single question. Thus, I found myself sat in the library with my friend for the majority of Wednesday afternoon, struggling through it together. We did as much as we could, then went home. I took a break then sat down to work on it some more, found the stupid error that was messing up everything, and then redid most of it all over again. At 1am I was lying awake and reading, when my friend texted me. I offered to help him. So he came by my halls and we sat and discussed it for a little bit. That was awkward. I was bare faced, with wet newly washed hair and in my pajamas. Thankfully in the time it took for him to drive here I had managed to get dressed at least, but I still wonder at the fact that he drove all the way here for my work. Well, in the end  I completed my maths coursework about an hour before the deadline and by skipping all my lectures on Thursday. A job well done, clearly. Honestly, by the end I was near crying with frustration. I wanted to do better this semester, but I am still struggling. It’s not like I am not trying to be good and getting things done- its just  cannot do it. I spend hours struggling with just a handful of questions, or reading through notes that might as well as be in Russian for all I understand them. That is why I am so, so grateful for this friend. It is so good to have support from someone. But it’s so frustrating that I had to find someone like that here, when I have so little time here. :/

After the stress of Thursday, I was badly in need of a break. In a lucky coincidence my lecture was cancelled on Friday so off I went to KL to shop. I’d given myself a generous budget for the day and was quite excited. Naturally, the day would go terrifically wrong.

I woke up late and ended up getting the bus at lunchtime, arriving into KL around 1pm. I got onto the sky train to Bukit Bintang and it started to rain. Like always, before I go to KL I look at my umbrella and think to myself I should take that followed by nah, I probably won’t need it, and every single time it rains and I get wet. I exited the sky train and walked through the shops, lingering as much as I could before I decided to hell with it and waltzed past those hovering under the eaves and into the streets. I was soaked immediately. When it rains in KL it chucks it down. “End of the World Rain” I heard someone call it once, and I agree. I rushed down to the crossing to get to Pavilion only to be greeted by thick traffic and a taunting red light. As I was standing there, getting soaked to the bone, a woman came up to me and asked “do you want shelter?” Well, I was not about to say no. I smiled and thanked her, grateful and we stood in silence for a while, until the light changed. I was not sure what to do next and in the end I felt awkward so I turned and quickly thanked her then ran off. I felt a little rude and very sorry that I had not tried better to be friendly, as always. To the random kind stranger, I am sorry for being socially awkward

I arrived into the super fancy pavilion absolutely soaked and looking very bedraggled. I dusted the rain off and pretended not to be though and went off to have lunch at the restaurant Morganfields. I got there late, around 3pm and the restaurant was near empty – just me, a group of business people and a couple. I actually liked that, as the opposite would be that it was crowded or noisy or full. I sat down at a little table, initially feeling quite self conscious but once the food was ordered, I settled down to read my book and when the food came, eat slowly and savour the taste of pork as I read. Which was rather relaxing. The food was fairly delicious too, although probably overpriced for what it was. I had a bunch of sausages with mustard, ham chops with mash potato (that nicely had bits of bacon in) and roast vegetables. For drinks, I had a ice blended drink of watermelon and lime juice. The drink was amazing. The sausage platter was nice, I think I enjoyed it more from a dearth of pork than for what it was. The main meal was also nice but the meat was a little fatty and the portion was ridiculously large. I mean, I could have done with just two pork chops. I did my best to get through it, then finally had to concede defeat even though there were leftovers. I asked for the bill and for the remainders to be packed up, then sat back and waited.

The waiter came back and told me my card did not work. A little worried, only a little, I frowned and asked him if he would try again. He did, still no good. Properly nervous by then, I got out my wallet and thankfully, thank everything, I had enough to cover the meal. But why would my credit card not work? I hunted down an atm and managed to draw out money all right. Puzzled, I went on with my shopping. I went to another shop and went to the till to pay but again, my card was rejected. But again, I thankfully had enough. I was actually worried now. I wanted to go to Sephora and to H&M next but did I draw money for it? Did I try and make it work? Was my card faulty? I ended up cutting my shopping at Bukit Bintang short, going to get the train back to KL Sentral. Of course I was in such a panicked, confused daze that I had got on the wrong train and DID NOT EVEN REALIZE. I was about six stops away from central KL by the time I woke up and noticed that, hang on, should I not be at KL Sentral by now? Doh. I felt like a total idiot. I got on the right train, and then had to go all the way back on myself, making my journey about 30 mins, 40 minutes longer than it should have been.

At KL Sentral I bought my ticket to midvalley and went onwards to there. I wanted to do my grocery shopping, but on the advice of my dad, I decided to make a smaller purchase first, to test if my card still was being wierd and to avoid being sat with a load of groceries I could not pay for. I went to cotton on to buy some shorts and nervously handed over my card. it did not work. The woman tried four times and it still did not work. Thankfully there was an atm right nearby. I put my card in, and it would not even allow me to draw money. Now I was panicking, actually panicking. I desperately needed groceries. I could go back for my makeup and clothes later (I hoped) but I actually really needed groceries. And my credit card is my only access to my money. I phoned my dad up and, I am ashamed of this, shouted at him. Used to this though, he calmed me down and agreed to arrange a call to the credit card company for me. That was how I ended up crouched on the floor in the middle of the mall on the phone to my credit card company. The woman on the phone, infuriatingly, told me to go back to the shop and humiliate myself to get the exact error again. I did shout at her a little because of that, and again, I am ashamed of that, its not her fault. Then her next piece of advice was to try and draw money from another atm and I nearly threw my phone against the nearest wall. But what else cuold I do but listen? There wasn’t anything she could do, my dad could do, I could do other than that. So I went to the atm and put my card in and… it worked. It worked! I went back to the shop, embarrassed at having taken so long, but the girl did not remark and just rang up my purchase for me.

By then it was getting late and i was tired and fed up. I just wanted to go home and read. That would have been a lovely, stress free day off, but no, I had to decide to make a day out of it. I went to the supermarket and did my grocery shopping in record time. I was just…done with the day. Totally done. I got on the train and was so glad to be going back. It was an utter disaster of a day.

The rest of the weekend was OK though. I spent it very lazily, ignoring the things I need to do and  in that way got my much needed time off. Unfortunately I felt so lazy that today I could hardly concentrate during lectures and labs. Oh and then, in labs a friend of mine asked me to go to the cinema tomorrow tonight. and I…said yes. Did not even pause to think about making excuses like I usually do, and just happily agreed. what the hell. So now I am in a state of anxiety about that. There’s always something to worry about, isn’t there? At least, for me there is always is.