“The moment had that feel about it, that before-and-after feel, as though this was going to be the end of one time and the beginning of another.”

I was allocated my final year project the other week. I got my first choice, which was great. The topic sounds really interesting and very relevant to my future interests. However it is mostly a simulation based project, and I’ll be using software I’m unfamiliar with. I went to speak with my supervisor last Friday about it – probably hoping for some reassurance, but I came away more nervous than ever. It turned out to be 15 minutes long where hardly anything was said, and 10 minutes later I realised I still had a lot more questions. I was quite possibly even more confused than I had been, but I’d been too nervous during the meeting to focus.

I went to the library afterwards to scour through books on my thesis topic and on the software but came away with little results. I then headed into Town (the city centre), had some lunch at an Asian restaurant – some very underwhelming Ramen but the restaurant was very empty, which meant it felt OK to be alone. I’ve been to this restaurant before and the food isn’t amazing, but the restaurant has a good atmosphere and nice staff, and it was cheap enough. Then I went to Starbucks to chill out for a bit, flicking through one of the books and trying to make sense of my thesis and mostly failing. I was waiting to go see a movie. I’d left uni at around 11:15am, and the movie was at 2:30pm. I’d gotten into town around 12pm and killed an hour in the restaurant – reading whilst slowly, methodically working my way through my food. Then I had another hour to kill before going to the cinema – hence the Starbucks – and at the cinema thankfully there were queues to eat up some more time. The one downside of being alone – it feels awkward just hanging about by yourself. Eating alone is fine, you’re doing something, as is watching a movie, it’s the in-between bits that get a little bit anxiety inducing.

Anyway, I’d wanted to see Belle since I’d heard of it and I was pleased to find it was worth the spectacular amount of time I had to waste before I could see it. The lead actress put on a great performance. It had some cheesy moments – it wasn’t subtle, and I thought at times it was too focused on romantic love, and I wondered how that was taking away from the story, but I enjoyed it and the time passed quickly. I emerged from the cinema in the late afternoon and headed home, having had a good day. I came home and my feelings quickly caught up with me though, and I ended up spending a good few days moping around the house, mostly watching dramas whilst cross stitching for hours, of all things, trying to get my thoughts away from the dark places. I’ve gotten really into cross stitch these few days – it gives me something to focus on so it can feel like I’m doing something whilst relaxing, so I don’t start getting lost in my thoughts. I had my results coming out on Tuesday and I was worried about that and my project and the long summer without work or anything much planned at all. I was even worrying about 4th year and graduate job hunting, already.

By Monday I managed to get myself together a little and I’ve been trying to maintain this all week – trying to wake up early, get chores done, eat properly. I try to remember that it all adds up in the end- the 45 minutes spent on Japanese, doing just one chore a day. As for the eating, I’m trying to eat all my meals at the table, without doing anything else (I was a big fan of eating whilst on my computer or phone, and its easy to overeat when doing that), trying to have more herbal tea and water than juice and soft drinks, trying not to eat after 9pm. Just integrating small, easy changes in order to work towards the big changes. Trying not to get too caught up on the big, scary end goal and instead focus on what I can do right now, what little differences I can make, trying to set up better habits really.

Oh, and I got my results and they were fine. I’m a bit disappointed with some of my marks though – I feel like I should have done better. In particular I’m disappointed on my thesis mark – and I cannot help but wonder if its because of the messed up presentation and interview, how many meetings I missed, the fact I didn’t take a large leadership role…It’s all my fault, of course. I am working up the courage to email my supervisor to ask if there will be any feedback. I want to know what was wrong.

Today I went to the library again to pick up another book. I’ve still not really gotten stuck into my project though. The books are shoved away in my bag, where I don’t have to see them, where I don’t have to think about my project and how overwhelmed I feel about starting it. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m going to put it off as much as possible.

As I was walking to university today I passed by a charity book store. I go there sometimes as they have quite a good selection. I’d never really thought of working there. However as I passed by I noticed on the window “volunteers needed” I ducked into the shop, and pretended to be browsing as I wondered if I could really have the courage to go speak to the lady at the counter and enquire about the sign. I’d only meant to enquire. However the result was: I have a shift on Friday morning. It happened so quickly and I’m unsure of the impression I made, although I left the shop feeling quite elated. I’d done it! I’d seen an opportunity, and I’d gone for it without any hesitation. Just like that. I felt pretty proud. Later, after a few hours at home doubt settled in – I began to worry. I’m frankly terrified. This will be my first job after all. But I’m also glad and amazed at how easily it happened- after so many job rejections it felt good to just have this just happen. It’s volunteer work so unfortunately I won’t be earning money, however I’ll be able to spend a bit of time outside the house, doing something useful, gaining skills that will be just as valuable as a paid job. I really need work experience, and I really can’t be locked up on my house all the time, so I think it will be good for me. I’m so nervous though. I don’t know what to expect. I hope I don’t mess it up.

I’m taking a massive leap outside of my comfort zone here. I hope it works out.