“The sky was dark grey, threatening rain, like the inside of my heart.”

I started the new job/volunteering today. Obviously cannot say much but it wasn’t an utter disaster as a part of me was dreading it would be, in fact it went reasonably OK and I now have two shifts next week. I am already nervous about them, of course. I took my betablocker today and I definitely felt glad for that, but I know eventually I’m going to have to not take them, and so I hope I can learn quickly and get comfortable. Right now its all unfamiliar, there’s lots of rules and procedures, and its quite overwhelming. I tried my best though, and I tried to be friendly and polite, so hopefully I made a good impression. I don’t think you can be fired from volunteering, but I’m sure you can be asked politely to leave. I don’t want that to happen. I realised today that if I could get settled in, I could probably enjoy working there. I want to do well.

I came home from working pretty tired out and hungry. Later my father phoned and asked me to come home this weekend. I thought about it but it didn’t take me long to realise I don’t really want to go home right now. I am enjoying living alone, I am becoming comfortable with my new weight as I continue to develop better eating habits, I am developing good habits in other aspects… I fear that going home will be a Setback and will have some rather adverse effects on my current good progress. I’m just not comfortable being around my family when I’m feeling so unsettled and anxious. They can say things that I don’t think they intend to be hurtful, but that are nonetheless. For more practical reasons, I was going to give my house a good clean over the weekend (its a mess), I only just washed half my wardrobe today, and I went grocery shopping recently so I’ve got loads of fresh fruit and veg I’m trying to get through. But my father was quite insistent, and when I failed to provide proper reasons not to go other than I don’t want to and my avocados are going to go off he sounded even a little hurt, so I had to give in. I’m getting the train tomorrow and arriving in the afternoon. On Sunday I’ll go walking with my father and sister. I get to see my cat. Those are the things I shall try to look forward to. I’ve not even packed yet though. Half my clothes are wet. I wish my father would give me more notice, more time to prepare. I wonder how this weekend will turn out. I feel sensitive and a little grouchy and I’m certain this is a bad mood to go home in.