“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”

On Wednesday, I cried in front of my driving instructor. I had been feeling somewhat fragile and a little unstable throughout the lesson – I kept making stupid mistakes, like pushing the gear into neutral when I should have put it into first, and more dangerous mistakes, like drifting dangerously to the side of the road and then, just once, suddenly, swerving sharply towards the curb as I completely lost concentration. My driving instructor was noticeably frustrated and a little on edge. I wanted to do better, but I was tired and emotional and I couldn’t think. Towards the end of the lesson I was keeping my face turned away, blinking back tears, desperate to just get through it without crying.

I did not get through it.

I ended up in the passenger seat on the drive home, crying helplessly. I’m sorry, I had a terrible meeting with my project supervisor this morning, I explained, my voice hoarse. In reality, the driving was also a factor, as was the careers meeting I had the day before, as was university and my mental health and everything I was carrying, but I did not want to embarrass myself further by going to deep into an explanation, so I chose the main factor for my break down. My driving instructor was lovely, talking to me kindly, giving me tissues, sympathising with me. It was nonetheless mortifying. When we got back, I got out the car still sniffling and then got into my house, curled up on my bed and sobbed, loudly and uncontrollably, burying my face in my pillow both to muffle the sound and out of shame. If I hadn’t of taken my medication I probably would have started hyperventilating and having a panic attack. At least my driving instructor did not have to see that, I tried to cheer myself up with that, but nothing could shake my embarrassment. I do not know how I will face my driving instructor next week. No one has ever see me cry apart from my family.

Its not been great being back at uni. I’m already feeling overwhelmed and stressed out, mostly by my project and how confused I still am about it, how I just don’t know what to do, and by the fact that my supervisor is very cold towards me and I’m certain he dislikes me. Its like something deep inside me telling me that I need to get away, I tell my mother on the phone, my intuition is screaming at me that there is something off, but I have to meet him every week even though it makes me feel so uncomfortable. Maybe he sees something in you and is trying to push you, my driving instructor had told me when I expressed similar concerns to her. But I remain unconvinced. He doesn’t look down at me, but he is consistently unimpressed and not very forthcoming. This week, that wednesday, just before my driving lesson he told me “well maybe if you started doing something you’d know” I went over the words again and again, and I swear he actually said that. So I was not in the mood for driving. So I ended up crying because this project is already making me miserable and frustrated, just three weeks in and I don’t need that right now.

For fucks sake, I cannot design a power system in three weeks, Can I?! I ranted at my sister

I was so messed up and emotional that I actually got the courage to turn to my sister. Well, actually my driving instructor had told me to contact someone, and that she would text me later to check, and I did not want to lie in my text, and what if she asked in the lesson if I had contacted them and what was said? Yes, it took these kind of thoughts for me to reach out to someone, to not just sit at home crying and panicking to myself. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. And I feel terribly ashamed of how weak I am. I want to appear strong and put together.

I took the day off on Thursday. I just couldn’t bear to go into university. I needed some time for myself. I had a lie in, I relaxed at home. I had a good, hard think about things and then I talked to my mother on the phone. I had turned to my sister the day before, and it had not really helped to be honest, so I tried my mother next and thankfully my mother said everything I wanted. In the end, she is the only one who really gets my mental…things.

That day I thought a lot and came to terms with everything.

I reasoned with myself there are things you can control and there are things you cannot. I cannot control how my supervisor is towards me, but I can control my own actions and my own attitude. I thought about the work I had been doing- was there cause for concern? No. I was putting in enough and meeting all my deadlines. How was I acting in the meetings? I didn’t think I was letting my feelings show, but I resolved to be even friendlier, to discuss my work properly even if it never seems like he has much interest. I would think of it as practice for the real world – where your co-workers or even your boss may not treat you how you wish, but you have to act properly anyway. As for the driving, that was something I could control. I am already making progress with managing my anxiety around driving. As for remembering the procedures…I was working under a have lesson, review it mentally kind of system, but I decided to include a new step in my learning process – make a written driving log. I am hoping that will help me really remember things. I will work harder. I recognised that I could do more, so I will.

The careers? The careers advisor told me my CV was good! I just need to learn to stop obsessing over the fact I failed my A levels, to shake off my worries that my introversion will scream out from my CV and my application and for that, they will reject me. I am not a bad person because I am a shy introvert. I do have things I can offer to the world. I just worry because I make such a bad impression, as I told my mother. My mother did not have much to say to that, because she knows me, and she knows how cold and aloof I am when you first meet me, how rude it makes me, how off putting it is for other people. You will never truly be yourself when you do not trust people she said, hitting the nail on the head, and identifying the main problem even if she wasn’t aware of it – I do not trust anyone. But you are lovely inside she added, of course, in much more detail as she tried to reassure me. Yes, well, I said. What use is it that after a while I relax some and show a sweeter side to my personality, first impressions count. I am terribly worried about this. But, again I reasoned with myself – I did edit my CV, and I did get the courage to go speak to the careers advisor so I am not totally behind. Now I need to take the next step – get those applications in. I plan to send my first application by the end of next week.

I will apply the principle of mountain climbing to my life – instead of looking up and fretting over how much is left to climb, wondering how the hell I will ever make it, I will focus on just taking the next step, and then the next, and the next…

It’s OK. Everything is OK. After crying like that I actually did feel a bit better, and after taking the day off, and working through things in my head, and having a good discussion with my mother, I was ready to pick myself and carry on.

Is this entry very negative? I find my thoughts are always tinged with negativity. My mom pointed it out to me on the phone – that everything I was saying was so negative. I can’t seem to control it at all. I guess that is why I blog less – I feel a little self conscious about this kind of negativity, it must come across as a bit whiny? I do worry about that, and I am sorry. I’ve just not figured out how to fix it yet.