“If I only had one wing…”

I had a train to catch today. 10.42 in the city next door to mine. I overslept and rushed around trying to get myself ready, get the house organized, finish packing. I walked as fast as I could to the bus stop but only got there at 9.45. I waited for the bus which was supposed to come in 5 minutes. It came in 15. The journey was long. I seemed to have landed on one of those bus journeys where it stops at every stop, gets stuck in all the traffic, and always has the lights turn red on it. Time crept passed and eventually I had to accept I was not getting my train. I only got into the city at 10.42. So I had to get the later train after all.

This has been the theme of this week- late starts, rushing around, never quite managing to get myself organized. I missed the first hour and a half of my lecture on Thursday – a lecture I missed last week. I feel and am acting like I did in Malaysia- tired and unmotivated, never on time for anything, struggling to get things done. And my 2nd year of university in Malaysia… I didn’t do well. I’m a little worried. Why am I like this? Is it my medicine? I feel like I’ve been having massive mood swings lately- going from periods where I feel really great to periods where I can barely drag myself out of bed, because what’s the point? Everything feels so hopeless. Of course it could be hormones. It could be that I need to stop blaming my illness and recognize my own laziness and lact of discipline. I really need to get my act together.

Its not all bad though. Work was OK this week. And after the disastrous breakdown of last week I was shocked to find that this week I could drive (fairly sure my instructor was too) I managed to drive through the estates I’d struggled with a few weeks back, without any major errors, and then I drove through a busy town centre, and a busy road which required me to push my speed up to 40mph. Not that I didn’t struggle, but I didn’t feel as anxious as usual, I just went with the flow, didn’t over think, went easy on the controls. And it was OK. It was even fun. I had to deal with traffic which wasn’t fun, but I chatted to my driving instructor, who really is so nice. Maybe its because I feel more comfortable with and more trusting if her that I could relax? Idk. Either way, I almost had fun with my lessons this week. It didn’t feel terrifying or overwhelming for once- I felt capable and confident in my own abilities. I don’t have a lesson next week due to the half term and I’m terrified that when I get back to lessons whatever magic that happened this week will be lost, and I’ll be as hopeless as ever. I don’t want that.

I’m now on my train, squeezed into a table seat for some reason. I should have known it would be busy and to get a single seat, but I was caught in the idea of posting from my laptop. I was foolish. And should have expected that I’d end up writing on my phone instead.

My sister is picking me up and taking me home, then I’m going to be cleaning the house and eventually making food. My dad is away right now, and I feel for my mother all alone, working long hours with no one to help. So I offered to help her this weekend. I’m also going to a food festival with my mom and sister tomorrow which should be good. Hopefully it will cheer my mother up to have a weekend spending time with her daughters and being looked after. That is my hope. I don’t really want to spend my weekend listening to my mother and sister fight. I’m tense and anxious myself and desperate to relax. (Looking forward to being able to give my cat a big cuddle too! Is it bad that I’ve been on the edge of my seat excited this whole week at the though of seeing my cat,? It feels a little pathetic. )