family – Page 9 – Honest Lies

laneige
I remember when I first bought my sister a BB cream. I had been a fan of Korean cosmetics for a while then and my sister just did not get it. Then I tried one of my BB creams on her and she seemed to like it. So I offered to buy my sister a Korean BB cream all of her own. She was a difficult customer- she refused to have anything whitening, no matter how much I told her it would not whiten, and my sister is also very pale with extremely dry skin. Eventually I remembered all the good reviews I’d seen for the Skinfood Red Bean BB cream from pale, dry skinned girls and had my “a-ha!” moment. I ordered it and when it came I sat down and applied it for her, laughing helplessly and making a right mess of it because doing other peoples makeup is strange. She loved it though and has worn it nearly every day since. But I will always remember my mother looking on at me and my sister playing around with her new BB cream and remarking that I would not do anything like that for her. I did think about buying my mother a BB cream after that, but she does not like wearing a lot of makeup, heavy foundations especially and a lot of BB creams can be that way so I had to leave it be.

Then HERA released their BB cushion. I was dying to get hold of one for myself and when I realized I was going to Korea that was top of my to buy list. Then I realized it was my mothers birthday coming up, I remembered her disappointment when I bought my sister a BB cream and not her, and I realised how perfect the HERA BB cushion would be for her. It was lightweight, dewy, from a brand whose target audience is women my mother’s age so the packaging and formulation would be suitable, it even came in a very pale shade. It was the perfect BB cream for my mother, even if technically not a BB cream. When I went to Korea I went to the HERA counter and I bought just the one BB cushion, I could only afford one unfortunately, and I bought it for my mother. I sent it back to the UK, nervous as anything. What if she did not like it?! It was an expensive gamble to take. Of course my mother went to Cape Town before she could receive it.

Today I received a phone call from her telling me that she wore it for the first time today. She was gushing about how much she loved it, how it made her skin look very glowy and radiant, how her friend said she looked beautiful. I was elated. It is so wonderful to think that I managed to get her something she loved so much!

And I admit, on a selfish basis I love the fact that I’ve been able to share something I love with my sister and my mother both now, and having them love it too. I’m so used to people giving me weird looks, critiscm or making unnecessary remarks about the things I choose to like, and I am so used to keeping things close to my chest because of that. Even today, I had someone ask me about how I was spending my time and I froze, tried to deflect, and I knew I was rude in that reponse, but I just do not like talking about my hobbies and interests. Nothing makes me quite so uncomfortable as I feel like people will judge me, and find me lacking. Several years in high school and even university taught me that there are certain acceptable things to watch, listen to and read, (etc.) and if you don’t then its best to act like you love those things too, and keep your real interests to yourself. It is nerve wracking to share something you love, when you expect to be met with scorn. The fact that I’ve managed to give my sister and my mother something they cherish as much as I would, and been able to talk to them about Korean cosmetics with them, being able to talk about something I love with the people I love… feels pretty great.

And no, this picture is not the HERA cushion but rather the Laneige BB cushion. As I could only afford the one HERA BB cushion, I had to settle for the Laneige one for myself. At first I loved it- it was lightweight but offered fantastic coverage despite that, and gave my skin a healthy glow without making me look oily. It was strangely cooling when I applied it and did not disappear in this heat even when I was out all day. Alas, it is yellow. Very, very yellow. It goes on a little to dark for me, and generally looks a bit off. And I may be applying it wrong, but it can apply quite patchy. I’m a little disappointed as it has so much potential to be really great. :/

“He wanted to bar his doors also, to seal any windows he might own, to be a tower strong and certain, untouchable, alone.”

Yesterday I had my presentation. I slept through all my alarms and only just woke up in time to have one last run through before rushing to my maths tutorial. I ended up walking into maths late, which was terrifically embarrassing when I was all dressed up. OK not dressed up but I’m such a slob on a daily basis that I’m fairly sure I shocked the guys with my more polished appearance. She’s wearing a skirt? And makeup? Indeed. I actually do not know why I bothered going to my maths tutorial, as it wasn’t like I could concentrate. I was super worked up with nerves. The hour crept by slowly, and then I had no choice but to head to my presentation. The venue was my tutors office and the audience the other members of my tutor group. 6 people, excluding myself.

The first guy went up to present and he was really good. His presentation was well put together, attractive and technical. He was confident and talked about his subject with ease. Another guy went, with another technical, confidently presented presentation. Then I volunteered myself. I knew that if I left it any longer I’d be too nervous so I decided to go for it. It turned out to be quite awful. Standing up there presenting to a room full of strangers was so different to presenting to just a room. I rushed through it and I am fairly certain I missed out a couple of important points, though I was hardly aware of what I was saying, if I was fidgeting, if I was even breathing. I felt self conscious about everything from the way I was dressed, to my presentation itself. My topic was a little different and I did not know what they were making of it. Others had chosen to look at technologies and I had chosen? Energy generation in South Africa- how demand side management and energy efficiency are important to South Africa’s future. Yes, I knew it was a little out there but I did not realise what an utterly random topic I had chosen until I was standing there, trying to present it. Once it was over I had two questions which I managed to answer, but not well. Then I got feedback from my tutor. She said it was very interesting but rushed. I said sorry, automatically but she brushed it off, saying again that it was interesting and she actually appreciated that it wasn’t technical! She said she had heard lots of people do renewable and energy generation, but few who looked outside the technical side of things. I was so glad she saw it like that because that is how I see it! The amazing thing about engineering, for me, is that you can make an impact on the world around you with it- both positive and negative. And it is important as an engineer to think about that impact. I found it very interesting exploring the real world impacts of generation, and lack of generation, for this presentation.

I sat through the rest of the presentations, though if you ask me what any of the topics were I would not be able to say. Afterwards I went back to my room and tried to relax, then later I went out to attend a guest lecture the uni was hosting. I rushed there thinking I was late, and it was going to be this huge prestigious event and it would be very embarrassing to walk in late and maybe there wouldn’t even be seats… Turns out it was in this very random, very small little room in a random location. When I got there it had not started and was not even close to starting and the room was half empty. I sat down at the back and got out my phone to look busy. An acquaintance of mine was there but he was sitting with his friends so I did not wish to bother him. To my surprise, he came over and sat next to me. We started chatting and I rambled on about my presentation and how awful it was, still quite worked up with nerves and awkwardness. I would not be surprised if he got not one word out of 10.

The lecturer eventually showed up and the lecture started and…it was not what I was expecting. My friend leaned over to whisper to me and instead of telling him to shut up, I ended up talking to him for almost the entire presentation. Yes, I know. it was terribly rude. But hell, I was presented out. I’d sat through 5 presentations, and hosted my own. I was still a bundle of nerves and restless energy. My friend seemed quite hyper too, I think it was because he was hungry. Either way his energy made my own restlessness worse, and I found myself going from being irritated at him for talking through the lecture, to relaxing into it, and even prompting conversation. it wasn’t even a great conversation- with both of us frequently going “Huh? What was that?” and likely having two entirely separate conversations at several points..But it was kinda fun, just talking about this and that. It has been a long time since I’ve had a friend I can whisper to in class. To be honest, I wonder if I am getting too relaxed around this guy though. I’m fairly sure I end up saying too much to him and he remembers and I think he tells his friends. I don’t quite trust him, just like anyone, really. Friendship terrifies me, I try so hard to distance myself from people, yet I’m only human, and when someone makes the effort to come to me, to not get annoyed by my iffiness, that makes me happy and I cannot help but relax, begin to trust. :( Well, the lecture ended which meant I could escape the social awkwardness, back to my room, and my books and dramas. Later, I kinda felt like crying. It drains me being around people, and I don’t like that.

Anyway, now for today. Today I woke up and checked my emails to find my dad had dropped a bombshell on me- he wants to come to Japan with me. At first I was shocked, and then I started to cry. I have no idea what prompted such an extreme reaction. I guess I really wanted to do this alone. I like travelling alone, and all the freedom it gives. And I guess I was looking for what my last Japan trip gave me- time to be myself without anyone around to judge, time away from everything and anyone, time to heal. I came back from Japan a different person last time and its probably foolish to expect that again, but I suppose there was a part that wondered if once again I would leave Japan feeling that same sort of contentedness that had gotten me through my foundation year and started to get my through my first year…before how difficult my degree was caught up with me and I once again started to waver. That’s such a deeply personal reasoning for my dad not to come though that I could not admit it to him. And at the end of the day? I’d feel cruel saying no to my dad. It pisses me off no end that he tells me this now, after I’ve spent hours researching and putting together a solo trip catering to myself and without a car. If I had known it was both of us I would wish for an extra day in Tokyo and Sapporo both, but now we have these time limits and I am going to have to give up certain things I wish to do. And yet, I know I am being selfish thinking those sort of thoughts. Reading his email there is something vulnerable about it and that always scares me. I’m used to be dad being strong. I wonder what is going on home now, with my mother grieving over my grandmother. I realize now, many hours later, was that it was the tone of my fathers email that made me cry. By the tone of his email is seems clear to me that my dad needs this holiday.

But I also think my dad wants a holiday, he wants to see somewhere as different as Japan. He wants to travel and see things, just as his daughters have. It must suck to be the one stuck at home, whilst your children are off seeing the world. And I cannot fault him that. Japan is a beautiful, exciting place. I love it so much and to be able to share that with my family, to be able to let them see why I love it so much would be amazing. Of course, it would also be great being just me and my dad. You know how it is when you have siblings- its hard to catch your parents alone. I like spending time with my father. There is also te benefit that he can hire a car which would be helpful in northern Japan. So I said yes, of course he can come. I have no idea what is happening to my plans now.

Post Title: Tower of the Kings Daughter - Chaz Brenchley
Listening To: Changin' my Life - New Future

Untitled

This first week at university was very quiet. Maths, like always, started with no introduction. Yet all other modules were introduction lectures. Half of my telecommunications lecture on Thursday was the lecturer explaining what she thinks makes a good engineer. My electronic engineering lecture on Friday was mostly revision, with the lecturer trying to get us to remember our basic electronic engineering stuff from last year… thankfully in that instance I was not the only one struggling to remember this stuff. Labs have yet to start either, thankfully. Then it was Chinese New Years on Monday which means I had a glorious four day weekend- today is a Tuesday and I woke up at 3pm and spent most of the day reading. I had great plans for these four days involving waking up early and getting things done- my messy room would be cleaned, the mountains of clothes piled on my chair would be sorted and what needs to be washed, washed, and the rest put away, Japanese would be learnt, electronic engineering would be revised, math tutorials would be complete. Typically, I went into these four days with far too high expectations of myself. The other days went much like the others- sleeping late and lazying around. Tomorrow, I have class at 9am and a) have not done all the preparation work and b) have no idea how I am going to get up and not just, you know, sleep through it.

I am feeling very relaxed and slightly less miserable as the last few posts as I got my results on Saturday. Well actually, results came through on Friday but it took me one day, a tearful and deeply personal conversation with my mother and an entire extra large bar of cadburys chocolate before I could check them. When I saw them I let out an embarrassing squeal of delight and then sat there, laughing to myself in sheer relief. (I hope these walls aren’t so thin that my neighbours could hear this farce.) Oh, my results are miserable compared to the last two years. but I have not failed anything and do not have to take any resits. Therefore, if I just work hard this semester there is still a chance of me getting onto the MEng course. (She says, after just talking about how lazy she has been. Woops) I had to check a few more times before I could let myself relax but once I believed that it was correct and I was seeing it correctly it was quite unburdening. It was all OK. Not amazing, I am still disappointed in myself, but it could have been so much worse and I am so relieved that I managed just to pass. I’m very glad to have it all over and done with. I felt rather light and very, very happy.

I also felt slightly ridiculous for the long conversation with my mother, part of which was me complaining about how much of a failure I was and how terrified I was for the future. But admittedly, there was so much more than it. I talked about so many things I had been keeping to myself and it was terrifying to make myself so vulnerable and to admit to some of those things, and I really hope that just once my mother understands not to talk about these things I said to someone else, but it was also very therapeutic. My mom was wonderfully supportive- telling me again and again not to be so hard on myself. I wished, and this made me feel like I was three years old, that we could have been having that conversation face to face and I could have cried and she would have held me as she always does whenever I break down. It is amazing how often I can think to myself I really dislike my mother- I argue with her frequently and a lot of the time we do not get on- but when I am feeling so vulnerable I want nothing more than my mother. Because when it comes to this, when I am feeling low and afraid of returning to that dark place (and really, it is that fear that makes the unhappiness all that worse), it feels as if its only my mother who I can talk to and who can make me feel better. She has been to that dark place too so she understands that fear, and she knows how to deal with it. I admit, sometimes I do admire my mother and her emotional strength. And even if sometimes I find her confidence irritating sometimes I admire that too because sometimes I can understand she likely developed that confidence the hard way.

When we talk like we did the other night, it gives me hope that one day things between my mother and I will change and we will get on. That I can forgive her for not always being the person I want her to be and for how she hurt me, and that she can forgive me for the terrible things I said which yes, definitely hurt her, and for being the sort of person who can become so very nasty when she is hurting. Sometimes, when we talk like that and we actually connect and she actually understands me and she says such nice things to me, I think maybe we’ve already arrived at that place. I just know we’ll end up arguing the next time we speak and we’ll be back to square one but it was very nice having those few hours to feel close to my mother again.

I don’t know. In these rambles I guess all I want to say is that this week was not so bad and good things happened these past few days and it was so very nice to have those moments. Now I should really go to bed. its 2.30am and I do have to get up in only a few hours.

Listening To: sistar - gone
mood: awake

Day by Day

It’s been a while since I posted regularly hasn’t it? Reading through my last entry its completely obvious how out of practice I am- and how stressed I was at that time. I have an unfortunate habit of using lots! of! exclamation marks! when stressed! It doesn’t read well does it? I also find that I have been so stressed lately that blogging became just another thing I have to do which it should never be. I want a record of my time here in Malaysia and that isn’t going to write itself, and that doesn’t have to be a chore.I admit, everything seems like too much effort lately. I am feeling very drained. My last exam was yesterday and so I ended up staying up until 4am reading and totally I woke up at 2pm, literally woke up, as if 10 hours of sleep is a natural amount to be completely passed out for, and finally dragged myself out of bed at 5pm. Today I was supposed to get through the large amount of chores I have but in the end I have spent most of it asleep.

Isn’t it strange that its already the 17th of January? Christmas last year was a very quiet affair. (Last year. What.) The Semester ended like it always did- suddenly, with deadlines that seemed so far away suddenly beginning to pile up, tests to be taken, lectures finishing and with that came the realization that oh shit, lectures are finishing and I am only on example sheet 1, then panic and finally, beginning to properly revise. Revision is largely how I spent my Christmas break. It was not a very Christmassy Christmas. The only time it really felt like Christmas was when I went out into KL with my friend a few days before the 25th to go see the Christmas decorations at KLCC, Times Square and Pavilion. It was a ridiculously fun day. We went to KLCC first and had lunch- western food, of course. Then we went to M&S and indulged in more western food- I got very enthusiastic and brought shortbread and microwaveable Christmas puddings and chocolate covered hazelnuts, dolly mixture, chocolate coins… Proper chocolate and sweets and something to make me feel Christmassy. Then we went onwards to Times Square and finally pavilion. As for the decorations? Spectacular, of course. Christmas here is more commercial than anything else of course, so they really go all out. We saw gardens of Christmas trees coated in lights, a small army of giant toy soldiers, angels hanging from the ceilings, and of course there was some mediocre Christmas music playing, though nothing as awful as what had been playing in Tesco earlier. Pavilion had the best Christmas decorations of the lot, but it was all fairly grand.

Christmas itself was spent in my room revising. I did phone my family of course and we talked randomly about this and that. With my mom being in Cape Town it was fairly quiet for my dad and sister, too.

New years came too quickly. I spent new years eve in the library then at 10 to midnight, just before leaving, I texted my sister “happy new years!”, amused that it was January 1st here whilst it was still midday on new years eve there. I talked to my sister as I walked back to my room. Later, I spoke to my Grandmother, too. Her and my grandpa also spent a quiet Christmas. It seems that no one in my family is really celebrating this year. Even for new years, my sister, who used to always go out, was staying at home with my dad. That did shock me, but then my sister has changed a lot since graduating. As we were talking on the phone she told me about her job and what she wore to work and all the things she had bought lately and I once more became very aware of those three years between us, of the fact that my sister is maturing fast, is an adult now. This makes me happy whilst it also makes me sad. As time passes I know my sister cannot remain just my sister for much longer, but will likely one day have a husband and her own family taking up her time. The distance between us will only grow further, you know? I don’t feel mature or adult-like, but spending Christmas alone and not celebrating definitely made me feel little adult, like I’ve truly outgrown Christmas mornings spent opening presents and lazing around watching movies with my sister or arguing over a game of monopoly with her whilst waiting for my Dad to finish lunch. I’m growing up now and things are quickly changing, have been changing for the past few years. I guess this was the first year it hit me how different things are becoming, in this strange new adult world I am about to venture into, tentatively, one foot in the door and one foot still on the threshold.

I was alone and revising, or to be honest, procrastinating from revising.

All the time examinations were creeping closer, a parasitic presence in my mind. I have struggled this semester with the work, with getting myself to work, with everything. But I tried very hard with my revision. I reminded myself again and again of my goals to get onto the MEng course and struggled on. In the end… it did not go well. I’ll write a separate entry about that, lest this gets too long. And now? Now I have two days free then I’m flying to Thailand where I’ll be meeting my sister at Bangkok airport, and we’ll be exploring Chiang Mai and Bangkok over the course of 6 days. I’m both very nervous and very excited. After that? A couple of days break then I’ll be spending the weekend in Penang. That I am excited for. So in the end? I may be tired and miserable right now, but I certainly have a lot to look forward to.

Studying abroad for the year, despite everything, is still one of the best decisions I ever made.

Listening To: G. NA - Tell me Now
mood: Lazy

Soaring

My sister took me to Matlock Bath in Derbyshire on Thursday. It was something we’d been wanting to do for a while but there never seemed to be the right time. Currently we are both going mad with boredom being stuck at home all day, with all the things we need to do being the kind of dull things we don’t want to do, so a day out seemed a welcome respite. The drive to Matlock was long, we headed into the peak district, going along narrow, meandering, and steep country roads. When we got there it was around 11 and the day had become pleasantly warm. We were both keen to get going, albeit hungry. We followed everyone else to the cable car station and took the cable car up to Abraham Heights. We were in the cable car with a couple and their son and naturally their son was happily wondering out loud what would happen if we were to say, crash, or stall. I wasn’t scared though, just slightly queasy from the rocking movement. My sister was scared, which was slightly hilarious. Once we got to the top we jumped out the cable car (with more grace than we got in on my part- I walked into the door for going up, this time I managed to just stumble slightly) and allowed ourselves to be driven by hunger and immediately headed to the gift shop and cafe. We ate some surprisingly cheap and tasty fast food on the balcony overlooking the village of Matlock Bath. Then we headed to the playground where we decided we would totally go down the giant slides they had, our ages of 20 and 23 be damned. A little girl gave us a weird look and asked us if we were queuing and why yes, yes we were. I went first. I was nervous, a little scared, no longer having the bravery and fearlessness of a six year old. It turned out to be wicked fun. I laughed as I leapt off the end and laughed even harder when my sister came down, arms in the air and cheering. I laughed until I felt breathless, totally forgetting that I had gone down first for the purpose of filming my sisters go. It was exhilarating. Sadly, the second time down was anti climatic and boring. Turns out going down a giant slide when you are 20 is only thrilling the first time around.(Later we saw a middle aged man going down the slide and felt slightly reassured not to be the only adults indulging in reliving our youth, although this guy could likely have been forced by his children…)

After that we made our way through exhibitions before finally we joined the queue for the tour of the old mines there. The caves were cold and damp and the passages were narrow and low, so we had to bend over almost double as we inched our way along. The tour was filled with restless kids and the tour guide was aiming his tour at them, but the caves themselves were interesting. A little gloomy and claustrophobic though and I was not impressed when they turned out the lights (I clung to my sister and prayed for it to be over, whilst staring hard at the flickering candle light that seemed to float in the darkness in a way that was just as unsettling as the darkness itself) When they turned the uv lights on it was impressive though, as the walls around us shifted from pink, to red,to green, blue. Very eerie but cool. I was pretty glad to get out of there though. We went to the prospect tower next, and I took one look at the steps that were no more than a few inches thick, tall too, and said no. So instead I found myself sitting at the bottom, waiting for my sister to appear. She appeared as a waving hand over the wall and through pointing and shouted instructions and a lot of confused looks from passer bys who likely didn’t realise I was talking to my sister at the top of the tower, I managed to get in a position to see her and get a picture. After more shouted, confused attempts at conversation I waited for my sister to come down.

We bought slushies next, because it seems that we had decided the day would be dedicated to being 6 years old again. Our tongues turned purple and our hands froze as we walked through the woodland down to the next set of caves. We ended up sat on a bench finishing our slushies, talking about nothing until the next cave tour. The next tour was much as the first, but the caves were more spacious and less like the walls were pressing down around us. The guide was older and thankfully made none of the lame jokes as the previous. They unfortunately did the whole turn the lights off again and this time was even worse- they decided to stick up a figure of a miner and have him narrate a typical day work for a miner, with added sound and even theatrical smoke at the end. Interesting, but I was too busy staring at the hovering light of the candles again to really care. It dragged on and i was spooked enough to forget to duck in a narrow passageway, ending up hitting my head on the low ceiling. I can imagine people working down there, because they had to, but I find it slightly crazy that these caves became a tourist attraction when they were no longer useful as mines, with rich people paying to be hoisted down there in the dark, with only the light of a candle (so not really any light at all) and no guide. Dressed in their fine clothes, of course, just to complete the strangeness of it all.

We decided to avoid the cable car coming down, I was nauseous at the thought of it and my sister was still scared so instead we climbed down, ending up taking a little walk through Matlock bath village, admiring the beautiful, unique cottages there. We walked along the main street which reminded us both of somewhere like Blackpool, a typical quaint English tourist trap but this one without the seaside. There was mainly cafe after fast food place after eatery. We did make a stop in an amazing chocolate store, where we bought marshmallows dipped in Belgian chocolate, which we devoured at once. They tasted like sweetie pies, which are a south african chocolate which is not sold here. :( With nothing much else to do and feeling pretty tired we went back to the car and started the journey back. We nearly stopped at Matlock, but there didn’t seem much to do there, and then we nearly stopped at Bakewell, but again, nothing caught our interest and somehow we instead ended up at the tiny village of Over Haddon. Guided by some signs and my sisters shaky memory of going there years ago we walked along deserted country roads and found ourselves at a river where my sister had the grand idea of us taking our shoes off and taking a walk into the river. It was painfully cold, and the smooth looking river bed was actually pretty sharp and uneven once stood in it. We cursed whilst laughing at our own stupidity. Of course we endured enough to take a picture, with forced, pained smiles. We got our shoes back on and went for a little walk, following a path alongside a river of clear, pure blue water with several waterfalls. It was very quiet, with no one about, and it was growing cooler, but thankfully still warm and no rain. We stopped and took stupid selca, my sister smiling and me pulling weird faces to annoy her. of course time was getting on and we headed back the way we came, slowly, as the way down was fine, but going up hill was another.

We continued on home but ended up stopping again in Buxton to eat, where we found a lovely Italian place with an even lovelier happy hour deal on which meant delicious food for cheap prices- and a free garlic bread! We were hopelessly under dressed in our slacks and loose t-shirts, complete with walking boots and me, my backpack. But hey, whatever. The garlic bread was slightly too garlicy, and the carbonara wasn’t the best I’ve had, and unfortunatly very messy. But I broke my diet of reduced diary to eat it, so it was heavenly. We got back on the road, were my sister enjoyed driving along the twisty, hilly roads (now downhill, so not as laborious as going uphill to get there) after months of motorway driving every day, whilst I stared out the window and tried to take pictures of the passing scenery (and failed, mostly).

it was a ridiculously fun day of laughter and being slightly crazy and immature because why not.I realized that I am really going to miss my sister when I am away in Malaysia. I can say and do things around/to my sister that I could not anyone else. We play fight and insult each other and laugh over lame jokes together. I can call my sister “bitch” as an affectionate pet name, tell her to fuck off and mean something more like I love you, but god you exasperate me, ramble on about tmi things, be totally unfeminine around her with the things we do and say and just, be myself completely because in the end we’ve spent our whole lives together. We’ve seen each other at our best and at our worst and at our most annoying and horrible and we’ve stuck together through it all. I know my sister as I know the back of my own hand. Being around her is as natural as breathing. I hope my sister will be able to visit me in Malaysia, or we can meet up in another part of Asia. :/ Of course I’ll miss my parents too. My mother is currently driving me crazy,and ruined my lovely day with my sister by fighting with me when I got back, but I know that once she’s not around I’ll want more than anything to see her. I guess that’s family though. When they’re around you can’t wait to get rid of them but when they’re not there you miss them. :/

Listening To: Kang Eun Il - Soaring
mood: OK

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