Fool

There’s this one electrical class I have taken this semester that has really annoyed me. Put it this way: I’d enjoy it more if it was presented better. The lecturer is a nice enough guy. I remember when I went to the opening day that he was one of the lecturers who showed me around and I liked him then. However the guy cannot actually teach to save his life. He hands out notes, puts these tiny illegibly diagrams up and tells us to copy them. He launches into problems randomly, not explaining things at all (hell, I’m too busy trying to figure out wth the diagram says to even begin to try and understand his ramblings. Not to mention he has a difficult to understand accent which makes things even harder). It was hard work trying to keep up in that class. I also think he must have some kind of technophobia because I am still waiting for my coursework marks to be uploaded to my university online portal. I need to know where I am at with this class but there is no way to do so. Mostly I need to know how badly I can afford to mess up on the exam.

You see, I thought my exam was on Thursday.

It was not. It was, in fact, today.

Yes, I am nearly 19 years old and I still cannot manage my life properly. I am disorganised and forgetful and all over the place.

Full and terribly pathetic story as follows:

[under the cut]

After my exam I went to McDonald’s and chilled the fuck out, cleared my head with some glorious junk food. Then I went to the library and attempted to tackle the last few maths modules and realised I couldn’t do them no matter what. Oh  well, I’ve done 16 out of 19. That should be enough.

There’s nothing more I can do now, really. Now its just the long, long wait until the results. I am going to be hopeful about it. As one guy reassured me before the exam- I have done reasonably well in everything else which means I should pass. I have really tried this year and overall although there were a few minor mistakes I think I have done well. I refuse to believe  that one botched exam can ruin everything. (That a couple of missed maths modules will ruin everything, too.) It cannot ruin everything. Right?

Joy & Pain

It’s less than one week until my first exam. Just four and a bit days to go. Scared doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. It’s always on my mind, I’m always counting down the days. A lot rests on these last two exams. I’ve worked so hard this year. Well fine, I admit most of the time I worked hard and some times I decided I’d much rather watch and episode of Galileo or BOSS but I’m only human OK? I did my best, and I did better than I have ever done before. So far my grades are good and what I need, I think. Currently I’m waiting on the results for a few course-works which is terribly frustrating as I need to know. I need to know where I’m at. I need to know what I need to get on these exams and I cannot until I know what my marks are already in my units. In short: ARGHH. Also  I seem to have reached that point in revision where it freaks me out how much I just don’t get it and thus I find it very difficult to revise. It takes extreme motivation and willpower, and I’m not really a very motivated person to begin with. The more things matter the less I can bring myself to care and the more I put it off.  It’s super bad but I’d rather avoid a problem until it cannot be ignored than tackle it from the beginning. (And if I can avoid it until it just goes away then all the better) I’ve almost gotten through all the tutorials, just need to do past papers and go over that which I’m still shaky on (which is a depressing amount T__T). In short: ARGHHHHH.

I’m really desperately hoping to get into first year engineering next year. Sure it scares me thinking about having to move out of home, having to make new friends, having to actually join societies and go out and do things with my life. But it scares me more not having that. I want that experience whether it will be good or bad. Being stuck at the same place I am now will do nothing for me in the long run. I realise this may not make sense but I’m scared of being too clear, of bringing myself bad luck by spelling out my exact goal and talking about how much I want it. (I wish I didn’t get my hopes up about things but I can’t seem to stop myself…)

I really just want things to be certain but nothing is certain and I’m nervous for/of the future.

(In short: this entire blog post could be summarised as “ARRRGHHHHHH D: D: D:”)

ONE ROOM DISCO

Today was good. Like there are days which start great and trip up somewhere along the way and end up stumbling along endlessly. Then there are days which start off a bit iffy, become quite good then fall flat on their face and severely hurt themselves and suddenly all you want to do is curl up in bed and hide. Something like that. I must be in the mood for strange metaphors. Anyway. Talking about days which fall flat would be last Friday. I had a maths test which I was petrified about, as maths tends to spark that reaction in me. It’s like I can do it but only certain questions. I don’t learn the maths, I learn how to answer the questions. I crunch numbers with very little understanding of why. (woot, future engineer here. Aren’t I great?) Thus if a question comes up that I have not memorized the exact method for I am doomed. Clearly there must be something in this method as I’ve passed every maths test so far, and I miraculously passed that one too. After passing it I of course felt all proud of myself and energetic and so I went home looking forward to just chilling and relaxing and I naively assumed the day would continue to be awesome. Clearly I was setting myself up for something terrible to come along and surprise me.

I ended up bumping into some high school acquaintances on the train. Recall: I was an outsider in high school. I had no presence, I was shy and awkward and slightly weird. I was on the outside of the outsider group. These girls where part of the popular group, the ones that got noticed. As I caught sight of them I had a moment of panic and I looked away, thinking they wouldn’t recognise me, they wouldn’t see me…they saw me. Commence awkward non conversation which soon fizzled out and we went to politely ignoring each other. It was awkward, sitting there across from them wishing the train would hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, knowing it wouldn’t. Some of the worst 10 minutes of my life right there.  Also- why the day when I looked awful? I had literally thrown on the baggiest jersey I own and a pair of jeans, I had a massive spot forming on my face… I was tired and my hair needed washing. You always hope that when you eventually bump into those kind of high school acquaintances, the popular pretty confident ones, that you’ll be dazzle them somehow- something, I don’t even know what, would be different and would make them stop and go, wow she’s changed in the really good way. Alas life has a way of going HAHA AS IF, bitch. Fuck it.

Fast forward. This week was rather mundane, ordinary. I bought a perfect pair of shoes on Monday! £8 and wide fit. Hell yeah. This brings the amount of shoes to a grand total of around 7 and making my new shoes the first brown shoes I own. (I love the idea of owning loads of shoes but shopping for them is usually quite painful.) But that was the only thing that could possibly stand out from these past few days. Whoever said the life of a student was exciting clearly had never been one.

And so. Today. Yes, this post might have some kind of point (I don’t even know. I’m just meandering all over the place here. Take a drink for every time I say “Anyway”, “I don’t (even know)”…might make reading this a whole lot more interesting… )

Today I finished up my Engineering Solutions module- aka the let’s build a model car! module. We had actually built the car and thus we just needed to do a presentation on it and then demonstrate it today. I was part scared part whatever I don’t even care anymore. Also slightly unnerving was the amount of good lucks I got from people. One or two is like “aww that’s sweet”. 4 or 5 is more like “OK do you people view me as the black hole of the group? Do I have some kind of permanent deer in headlights look on my face? WHAT IS IT”  I actually managed to not stutter and to speak reasonably clearly and say non-stupid relevant things aka I totally aced it, sorta, I think I did. My teammates also did good . I think we did quite well! Though the teammate I hate forgot about me when he did his section. He said that two of our group mates built the car and the other two did the electronics. WHAT ABOUT ME? Way to completly underestimate the fact that I had actually bothered to come to every session, unlike him, and actually did my bit thank you very much. I almost let the shock show on my face but managed to control it. Really I wanted to hit him. He made excuses later that he was thinking something else. Yeah, right. Gosh I’m so glad not to be working with this guy anymore. He treats me like I am thissmall and makes jokes that really aren’t funny, the type of jokes that are basically masquerading as joke so he can say horrible things. Ugh. After the presentation we demonstrated our car and lol our car was so slow and ugly compared to other and it wouldn’t stop- it hit the wall D: After that all the groups banded together and we raced all the cars in the hallway. Safe to say ours didn’t get very far. It was slower than slow. D:  All in all a reasonably fun end to a mundane module.

Next week is the last week before we break up. That is all kinds of scary. In a few months I will be in first year D:  I currently have two course works I’ve been putting off because they’re in for April 1st and I kept thinking that is ages away and I’ve got plenty of time but you know….very close now! D:

Anyway.  Now I shall go exfoliate my face with delicious berry scented stuff and stick a face mask on, because I am in that kinda mood. Then I shall eat some fruit so I can feel healthy, like I’m taking care of myself (read: like those two creme eggs I ate earlier are no longer relevant).

turn the lights on, turn the lights off


This weekend I went to visit my sister in Leeds as it was her birthday on Thursday. We set off late but managed to get to her house quickly. She opened her presents and thankfully she loved the Pokemon Monopoly set I’d bought her. Yes, I bought my 22 year old sister Pokemon Monopoly. Children born around the nineties- remember how in the early 2000’s those Pokemon cards were all the rage? We’d collect and swap them and play with them all the time and we’d always be trying to get the biggest collection and the best cards. My sister had a massive collection of those and she loved Pokemon a lot, though I don’t recall her ever actually watching it! Even so seeing the board she could name some of the characters and she got really excited. I also baked her 30 Romany Creams which I think she loved too. I felt proud of myself, because I usually suck at presents. There is at least one person in this world who I can buy decent things for, thankfully.

(More under the cut~)

I don’t know why but it was a bit of a shock going into university today, like that feeling you get after the holidays. Staying somewhere else makes you feel a little out of it. Today turned out to be awesome though. I left ridiculously late this morning and managed to make my train with time to spare, my first lecture ended early so I could go to Primark to buy a couple of things, my second lecture started late and finished early so I could get an early train home. And my tutorial tomorrow is cancelled so technically I don’t have to go into university, although I will go in the afternoon to do maths in the library. This week should be awesome, seeing so I have no deadlines and barely any set classes. :D

TONIGHT, SUCH A GOOD NIGHT

Semester 2 of university is beginning to wind down. It’s strange to think of how quickly this Semester is going by, how quickly the first year of university is. Labs on Tuesday morning are now finished and one part of my Engineering Solutions module is over (Engineering solutions basically being a “let’s work in groups to design and build a model solar powered car!” class which sounds a lot more fun and easy than it actually is). This means I hopefully won’t ever have to touch SolidWorks again, which is a good thing as that program is ridiculously complicated and difficult and I don’t really like the teachers for it. This also means no more 6am starts on Tuesday or Thursday, which is awesome in many ways. Maybe I will be able to feel less exhausted all the time on those days and thus I might be able to be less moody towards people on those days. Currently just have Monday afternoon lectures from 12:30 until 4pm, then a tutorial on Tuesday 11am, and practicals followed by maths on Thursdays. Between this all I have to spend hours in the library struggling with mathematics. Currently on Mathematics 3, which is the hardest unit there is. Hello, all these things I cannot do and caused me to fail my A levels. I am growing annoyed with maths and the way you have to teach yourself it all using a computer program that doesn’t teach you anything, and gives no leniency on answers you input. It feels very pointless and irritating doing maths right now. I also hate Mechanics and that shows in my generally iffy performance in anything mechanics related. I reassure myself that I am, thankfully, doing Electrical Engineering next year which means no more mechanics. I cannot wait.

I admit in all my classes I have been growing complacent, lazy. I am finally started to feel settled (‘in the routine’) and with that comes the danger of apathy. I’m trying to keep on top of things, even as part of me tells me just to give up. That part of me that belongs to the person I was and will no longer allow myself to be. It’s hard not to slip into old habits. Although I don’t think it is physically possible to stay fully alert during lectures, and I admire those who seem really into it. I typically stare out the window and let the information wash over me and only really pay attention when the teacher goes through examples. I wish lecture seats were more comfortable, but I can see why they aren’t.

I will admit I am also having one of these weeks where I just cannot bring myself to care about anything. Tests? whatever. Coursework? Whatever. I admit I really wanted to spend this weekend being bored doing nothing, although I have to go visit my sister as it was her birthday on Thursday. Meh. We’ll see how this weekend goes.