There’s this one electrical class I have taken this semester that has really annoyed me. Put it this way: I’d enjoy it more if it was presented better. The lecturer is a nice enough guy. I remember when I went to the opening day that he was one of the lecturers who showed me around and I liked him then. However the guy cannot actually teach to save his life. He hands out notes, puts these tiny illegibly diagrams up and tells us to copy them. He launches into problems randomly, not explaining things at all (hell, I’m too busy trying to figure out wth the diagram says to even begin to try and understand his ramblings. Not to mention he has a difficult to understand accent which makes things even harder). It was hard work trying to keep up in that class. I also think he must have some kind of technophobia because I am still waiting for my coursework marks to be uploaded to my university online portal. I need to know where I am at with this class but there is no way to do so. Mostly I need to know how badly I can afford to mess up on the exam.

You see, I thought my exam was on Thursday.

It was not. It was, in fact, today.

Yes, I am nearly 19 years old and I still cannot manage my life properly. I am disorganised and forgetful and all over the place.

Full and terribly pathetic story as follows:

Come yesterday, or rather this morning at around 2am I suddenly thought to myself that I should check my exam time table. I didn’t know why and I came thisclose to not checking. Lo and behold my exam was today. I just stared at my phone in disbelief, trying to make sense of it all.  I couldn’t believe it. At that moment my exam was 7.5 hours away. I had to get up in 4 hours to make my train. I began to panic. I struggled to breathe, my whole body felt weak and jittery and tears welled up in my eyes. I really couldn’t believe I would be so stupid. I struggled to fall asleep, filled with self loathing and sheer panic and anxiety. I was not prepared. For some reason I was imagining that extra day would make all the difference. Mostly I was just thrown out. How could this happen? Why didn’t I check before? I really couldn’t believe I could do this to myself. I woke up at 4.56am this morning and couldn’t really fall back asleep. At ~6am I dragged myself out of bed and got ready and headed to the station to start my journey to Liverpool with the 7:32am train. I spent my train journey(s) reading through my notes, jotting down a few things until I felt too ill to continue (travel sickness and i was originally feeling nauseous from lack of sleep). For once I was grateful for the long commute, even as I knew cramming like that would make no difference. I put my notes aside, leaned back in my seat and watched the scenery change, on the edge of despair. I arrived into Liverpool with time to spare and sat at the train station for a few minutes, still frantically reading through my notes trying to make sense of it all. I was not in a good state of mind. Can you tell how much I was overacting? These were close to my actual feelings. I get worked up about things so easily but then I was still a little in shock and a bit of confusion. I was actually wondering if the exam was today, if I had messed up again and I dreaded walking to the exam hall and finding nobody there.

They were there. It was today.

The exam itself was held in an underground hall under the metropolitan cathedral. Use your imagination a little and you’ve probably got a good idea of how strange and oppressive the exam hall was.  Not to mention I used to have music exams in church halls, and anything that reminds me of my music makes me a little nervous. My hands were not steady as I wrote out my details and I couldn’t calm down. The exam turned out to be…not as bad as I expected. But not good. I made stupid errors, I was still panicking, I was exhausted and basically it was hard to think straight.

I admit I feel much better know. I am looking on the bright side. I could have missed my exam but I didn’t. I have never been so glad for a smart phone allowing me to check things late at night, never been more grateful for my intuition and never more thankful that I listened to that little voice telling me to check my schedule. In retrospect I don’t think that extra day would have made much difference in the end. I was never 100% prepared for this exam. I also dislike my mechanics lecturer but I will give him credit where it is due: at least he made the effort to teach and he teaches quite well. He goes through things clearly, step by step from the basics up with no scribbled diagrams. He even held a revision session to go through the past paper with us and he sent us another past paper with the answers (this electrical guy sent us a past paper…but with no answers. WTF). With the mechanics paper I at least had some idea of what I would be facing. Hell, the paper was almost exactly like the past paper (which made me regret not paying more attention to the past paper haha). I actually feel more confident about my mechanics for once. I didn’t know what to expect of this electrical paper regardless of the shock of suddenly finding it was a lot sooner than I thought.

After my exam I went to McDonald’s and chilled the fuck out, cleared my head with some glorious junk food. Then I went to the library and attempted to tackle the last few maths modules and realised I couldn’t do them no matter what. Oh  well, I’ve done 16 out of 19. That should be enough.

There’s nothing more I can do now, really. Now its just the long, long wait until the results. I am going to be hopeful about it. As one guy reassured me before the exam- I have done reasonably well in everything else which means I should pass. I have really tried this year and overall although there were a few minor mistakes I think I have done well. I refuse to believe  that one botched exam can ruin everything. (That a couple of missed maths modules will ruin everything, too.) It cannot ruin everything. Right?

Joy & Pain

It’s less than one week until my first exam. Just four and a bit days to go. Scared doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. It’s always on my mind, I’m always counting down the days. A lot rests on these last two exams. I’ve worked so hard this year. Well fine, I admit most of the time I worked hard and some times I decided I’d much rather watch and episode of Galileo or BOSS but I’m only human OK? I did my best, and I did better than I have ever done before. So far my grades are good and what I need, I think. Currently I’m waiting on the results for a few course-works which is terribly frustrating as I need to know. I need to know where I’m at. I need to know what I need to get on these exams and I cannot until I know what my marks are already in my units. In short: ARGHH. Also  I seem to have reached that point in revision where it freaks me out how much I just don’t get it and thus I find it very difficult to revise. It takes extreme motivation and willpower, and I’m not really a very motivated person to begin with. The more things matter the less I can bring myself to care and the more I put it off.  It’s super bad but I’d rather avoid a problem until it cannot be ignored than tackle it from the beginning. (And if I can avoid it until it just goes away then all the better) I’ve almost gotten through all the tutorials, just need to do past papers and go over that which I’m still shaky on (which is a depressing amount T__T). In short: ARGHHHHH.

I’m really desperately hoping to get into first year engineering next year. Sure it scares me thinking about having to move out of home, having to make new friends, having to actually join societies and go out and do things with my life. But it scares me more not having that. I want that experience whether it will be good or bad. Being stuck at the same place I am now will do nothing for me in the long run. I realise this may not make sense but I’m scared of being too clear, of bringing myself bad luck by spelling out my exact goal and talking about how much I want it. (I wish I didn’t get my hopes up about things but I can’t seem to stop myself…)

I really just want things to be certain but nothing is certain and I’m nervous for/of the future.

(In short: this entire blog post could be summarised as “ARRRGHHHHHH D: D: D:”)


Today was good. Like there are days which start great and trip up somewhere along the way and end up stumbling along endlessly. Then there are days which start off a bit iffy, become quite good then fall flat on their face and severely hurt themselves and suddenly all you want to do is curl up in bed and hide. Something like that. I must be in the mood for strange metaphors. Anyway. Talking about days which fall flat would be last Friday. I had a maths test which I was petrified about, as maths tends to spark that reaction in me. It’s like I can do it but only certain questions. I don’t learn the maths, I learn how to answer the questions. I crunch numbers with very little understanding of why. (woot, future engineer here. Aren’t I great?) Thus if a question comes up that I have not memorized the exact method for I am doomed. Clearly there must be something in this method as I’ve passed every maths test so far, and I miraculously passed that one too. After passing it I of course felt all proud of myself and energetic and so I went home looking forward to just chilling and relaxing and I naively assumed the day would continue to be awesome. Clearly I was setting myself up for something terrible to come along and surprise me.

I ended up bumping into some high school acquaintances on the train. Recall: I was an outsider in high school. I had no presence, I was shy and awkward and slightly weird. I was on the outside of the outsider group. These girls where part of the popular group, the ones that got noticed. As I caught sight of them I had a moment of panic and I looked away, thinking they wouldn’t recognise me, they wouldn’t see me…they saw me. Commence awkward non conversation which soon fizzled out and we went to politely ignoring each other. It was awkward, sitting there across from them wishing the train would hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, knowing it wouldn’t. Some of the worst 10 minutes of my life right there.  Also- why the day when I looked awful? I had literally thrown on the baggiest jersey I own and a pair of jeans, I had a massive spot forming on my face… I was tired and my hair needed washing. You always hope that when you eventually bump into those kind of high school acquaintances, the popular pretty confident ones, that you’ll be dazzle them somehow- something, I don’t even know what, would be different and would make them stop and go, wow she’s changed in the really good way. Alas life has a way of going HAHA AS IF, bitch. Fuck it.

Fast forward. This week was rather mundane, ordinary. I bought a perfect pair of shoes on Monday! £8 and wide fit. Hell yeah. This brings the amount of shoes to a grand total of around 7 and making my new shoes the first brown shoes I own. (I love the idea of owning loads of shoes but shopping for them is usually quite painful.) But that was the only thing that could possibly stand out from these past few days. Whoever said the life of a student was exciting clearly had never been one.

And so. Today. Yes, this post might have some kind of point (I don’t even know. I’m just meandering all over the place here. Take a drink for every time I say “Anyway”, “I don’t (even know)”…might make reading this a whole lot more interesting… )

Today I finished up my Engineering Solutions module- aka the let’s build a model car! module. We had actually built the car and thus we just needed to do a presentation on it and then demonstrate it today. I was part scared part whatever I don’t even care anymore. Also slightly unnerving was the amount of good lucks I got from people. One or two is like “aww that’s sweet”. 4 or 5 is more like “OK do you people view me as the black hole of the group? Do I have some kind of permanent deer in headlights look on my face? WHAT IS IT”  I actually managed to not stutter and to speak reasonably clearly and say non-stupid relevant things aka I totally aced it, sorta, I think I did. My teammates also did good . I think we did quite well! Though the teammate I hate forgot about me when he did his section. He said that two of our group mates built the car and the other two did the electronics. WHAT ABOUT ME? Way to completly underestimate the fact that I had actually bothered to come to every session, unlike him, and actually did my bit thank you very much. I almost let the shock show on my face but managed to control it. Really I wanted to hit him. He made excuses later that he was thinking something else. Yeah, right. Gosh I’m so glad not to be working with this guy anymore. He treats me like I am thissmall and makes jokes that really aren’t funny, the type of jokes that are basically masquerading as joke so he can say horrible things. Ugh. After the presentation we demonstrated our car and lol our car was so slow and ugly compared to other and it wouldn’t stop- it hit the wall D: After that all the groups banded together and we raced all the cars in the hallway. Safe to say ours didn’t get very far. It was slower than slow. D:  All in all a reasonably fun end to a mundane module.

Next week is the last week before we break up. That is all kinds of scary. In a few months I will be in first year D:  I currently have two course works I’ve been putting off because they’re in for April 1st and I kept thinking that is ages away and I’ve got plenty of time but you know….very close now! D:

Anyway.  Now I shall go exfoliate my face with delicious berry scented stuff and stick a face mask on, because I am in that kinda mood. Then I shall eat some fruit so I can feel healthy, like I’m taking care of myself (read: like those two creme eggs I ate earlier are no longer relevant).

turn the lights on, turn the lights off

This weekend I went to visit my sister in Leeds as it was her birthday on Thursday. We set off late but managed to get to her house quickly. She opened her presents and thankfully she loved the Pokemon Monopoly set I’d bought her. Yes, I bought my 22 year old sister Pokemon Monopoly. Children born around the nineties- remember how in the early 2000’s those Pokemon cards were all the rage? We’d collect and swap them and play with them all the time and we’d always be trying to get the biggest collection and the best cards. My sister had a massive collection of those and she loved Pokemon a lot, though I don’t recall her ever actually watching it! Even so seeing the board she could name some of the characters and she got really excited. I also baked her 30 Romany Creams which I think she loved too. I felt proud of myself, because I usually suck at presents. There is at least one person in this world who I can buy decent things for, thankfully.

Next we headed into town. We went to the theatre to see the ballet Cleopatra. You’d think by now after being to all the theatre so many times I’d know how to dress for these things, but I regretted not dressing up just a tiny bit more. I was corrected in wearing the smartest coat I own, fine in wearing  flats, but wrong in wearing jeans instead of tights under the long pink top/mini-dress I had on. I admit I look at my sister and she is so beautiful and fashionable and confident in herself that I cannot help but feel a tiny bit jealous sometimes. The ballet itself was confusing, and I wish I’d bought the programme before seeing it and not after so I could have some clue of the story. The entire time I was sat there thinking “WHO? WHAT? WHY?”. On saying that it was visually and musically gorgeous, very modern, and also very sensual…which I wasn’t really expecting. Though, to be honest I’m not sure what I was expecting. It was good though and it didn’t drag on forever and forever. The interval was about an hour in, and my sisters boyfriend bought us ice cream to eat. We chatted and my sister tried to explain what was going on, but me and her boy friend remained confused. After it had finished, and we’d gotten through the endless amount of clapping as the dancers bowed again and again, and we’d managed to worm our way out through the crowds, I bought a programme. As we all stood outside trying to decide where to go/what to do I read through the story, wondering how the hell we were supposed to know all of it from the ballet. On saying that out of the three ballets I have seen only one that has made sense to me as I watched it :/

There were limited options for what to do then as most tourist attractions closed so we trailed through town to waste some time before dinner reservations. Like most cities Leeds is not a good place on a Saturday night, as my sister and her bf admitted. All the immature students come out to be idiots. We got to the restaurant and the place was loud and packed with people but the food was decent. We also got a free bottle of sparkling wine. It was gross and made me sleepy. I do not like alcohol, still. Desert was an uncomfortable affair as the brownie I ordered was so sickly that even my sister couldn’t eat it. And my sister can usually eat anything, any quantity. I felt over stuffed and sleepy afterwards. We went back to my sisters and my parents headed off to their hotel. My sister and I put on our pajamas and lay down on her bed to watch TV for a few hours before switching the lights off.  We lay side by side in the dark and talked idly about university and such things, both of us sleepy but unable to fall asleep.

Sunday I woke up to my sister snoring and before I could get back to sleep the alarm went off. Got ready and the parents came to pick us up and together we headed to Bradford to the National Media museum (The above pic was taken from inside the museum). We saw a film at the Imax theatre about the Tuna Run in South Africa which was spectacular, and less nauseating than the deep sea film I last saw at the IMAX in London. Afterwards we looked around the museum. My sister was over excited and hyped up in that childish way that she’ll probably never lose, because she can still act that way even at 22. She looked around at everything, played with all the hands-on things, took thousands of pictures, and dragged her boyfriend around with her the entire time. I spent a lot of time sat on benches waiting for my family to catch up with me who had already seen all she wanted to see, trying to be patient as it was after all my sisters weekend and thus it was only right to go with her schedule. I was actually quite happy quietly sitting there, was happy knowing my sister was enjoying herself.  Admitedly was a little bored but I don’t mind doing nothing and I’m fine entertaining myself whether with my thoughts or some music or just playing on my phone. My mother came and sat down next to me multiple times and she’d break the silence with inane chatter, talk for the sake of talking and I hate that. There is nothing wrong with silence, with waiting quietly and patiently. My mother is childlike in her need for constant attention and her seeming inability just to sit still and wait. I admit I hated my moms presence that day. I’d rather sit silently by myself than suffer through some of the ridiculous conversations my mother tries to start just for the sake of talking.

We ate lunch at the museum then went to ASDA to buy my sister groceries, before going back to hers. We gathered our stuff and left soon after getting back to hers and went home.

I don’t know why but it was a bit of a shock going into university today, like that feeling you get after the holidays. Staying somewhere else makes you feel a little out of it. Today turned out to be awesome though. I left ridiculously late this morning and managed to make my train with time to spare, my first lecture ended early so I could go to Primark to buy a couple of things, my second lecture started late and finished early so I could get an early train home. And my tutorial tomorrow is cancelled so technically I don’t have to go into university, although I will go in the afternoon to do maths in the library. This week should be awesome, seeing so I have no deadlines and barely any set classes. :D


Semester 2 of university is beginning to wind down. It’s strange to think of how quickly this Semester is going by, how quickly the first year of university is. Labs on Tuesday morning are now finished and one part of my Engineering Solutions module is over (Engineering solutions basically being a “let’s work in groups to design and build a model solar powered car!” class which sounds a lot more fun and easy than it actually is). This means I hopefully won’t ever have to touch SolidWorks again, which is a good thing as that program is ridiculously complicated and difficult and I don’t really like the teachers for it. This also means no more 6am starts on Tuesday or Thursday, which is awesome in many ways. Maybe I will be able to feel less exhausted all the time on those days and thus I might be able to be less moody towards people on those days. Currently just have Monday afternoon lectures from 12:30 until 4pm, then a tutorial on Tuesday 11am, and practicals followed by maths on Thursdays. Between this all I have to spend hours in the library struggling with mathematics. Currently on Mathematics 3, which is the hardest unit there is. Hello, all these things I cannot do and caused me to fail my A levels. I am growing annoyed with maths and the way you have to teach yourself it all using a computer program that doesn’t teach you anything, and gives no leniency on answers you input. It feels very pointless and irritating doing maths right now. I also hate Mechanics and that shows in my generally iffy performance in anything mechanics related. I reassure myself that I am, thankfully, doing Electrical Engineering next year which means no more mechanics. I cannot wait.

I admit in all my classes I have been growing complacent, lazy. I am finally started to feel settled (‘in the routine’) and with that comes the danger of apathy. I’m trying to keep on top of things, even as part of me tells me just to give up. That part of me that belongs to the person I was and will no longer allow myself to be. It’s hard not to slip into old habits. Although I don’t think it is physically possible to stay fully alert during lectures, and I admire those who seem really into it. I typically stare out the window and let the information wash over me and only really pay attention when the teacher goes through examples. I wish lecture seats were more comfortable, but I can see why they aren’t.

I will admit I am also having one of these weeks where I just cannot bring myself to care about anything. Tests? whatever. Coursework? Whatever. I admit I really wanted to spend this weekend being bored doing nothing, although I have to go visit my sister as it was her birthday on Thursday. Meh. We’ll see how this weekend goes.