It’s fairly late and I should be in bed but I feel very awake for some reason. So I’m going to write.
Time is passing fairly quickly, when it feels like its passing fairly slowly. I’m a bit bored, though when I think about it…it is in a good way. It’s nice to have so much time that you’re not really sure what to do with it, that you can afford to take too long doing things, to just lie in bed resting for 10 to 30 minutes every morning, just because I can. It feels indulgently lazy and thus brilliant.
I’ve mostly been in the kitchen still battling with my bread and being more successful at other things. Today for breakfast I had homemade granola with soya yogurt and a slice of homemade bread toasted with marmite. It felt quite awesome to have half of what is on my plate to have been something I’d made myself, from scratch. For lunch I baked some chicken and had homemade oven fries, which also felt awesome. Basically, apart from too much snacking from aforementioned boredom, I’m managing my diet quite well, and this no dairy thing is coming together nicely. It is really just chocolate to cut out now. only that.
(I really do not know how to stop eating chocolate. :/)
Apart from spending time in the kitchen I’ve been lazing around catching up on all the dramas I’ve wanted to watch but hadn’t the time nor bandwidth during term. I watched “Rinjo” which was better than average, with a truly heart breaking last episode, but there were questions I had about the main characters background that bugged me right until the end, and kind of ruined my enjoyment of the series. I’ve also nearly finished “A sleeping forest” which veers off into the unbelievable at times, but is so tightly plotted you cannot help but get sucked into it. I really have no idea who the culprit is and I watch every episode intently, trying to make sense of it but the drama is brilliant at turning things round, making everything a little unreliable, a little creepy, until you’re full of doubt. It’s exciting and exactly what you want from a mystery- this sort of high tension where you’re resisting the urge to just skip to the last minutes of the last episode just so you can know already! Strangely I’ve not been reading much, compared to how much I had been reading. I find myself struggling to really get into anything though. Maybe it’s the books I’ve been reading? The only books I have on hand are very hefty fantasy books and I’m not quite in the mood for it.
I received my results on Monday. I passed everything, even scraping through telecommunications by a mere 3% above the pass mark. I cannot feel relieved though. I think my average is enough for the MEng but until I’m transferred I do not think I’ll be able to stop worrying, to be able to quiet this little voice inside me going “what if?” Like always I tell myself to stop worrying, that everything will be OK. But like always I have a hard time being able to believe that. I really have to see it before I can believe it…
I spoke to my dad tonight about my module choices and finally I feel more certain about those, at least. I’m fairly sure what I’m doing, and that more importantly that they will be relevant for my future career. I’m still not certain about one module but I’ve emailed someone at the university about it and so hopefully they’ll be able to advise me, and then that will all be done. Then its just choosing my group project… I wish I wasn’t thinking about university as much as I currently am.
Although I’ve just moved back from Malaysia, or at least it feels that way, I’m already having to think of moving again. By which I mean: accommodation for university next year. And: flat hunting. I’m going to be living by myself next year. And finding a place for one in a decent area for a decent price is somewhat trying. As a young woman living alone I have to be a little paranoid- I have to be careful about the area, and I cannot have any ground floor flats. This naturally narrows the choices down quite a bit and raises the prices quite a bit, too. Thankfully my father agreed to not just focus on furnished flats, which widened the choices a little, and lowered the prices a little, but only marginally. I did eventually manage to find 6 places I am interested in, for which I nervously enquired about viewings. Thus tomorrow I will be driving down with my father to look at the first two places, and then on Saturday I will see the rest with both my father and sister. I am utterly terrified of this. I’ve never done anything like this and have no idea what to expect, or how I’m supposed to act- what do I look for? What questions do I ask? I’m also shy which makes me fairly scared of appearing rude or pushy in front of the estate agent when I know that I should not be so self conscious, not afraid to look into corners, test things out, ask any questions. I know this but I have a feeling I’ll freeze up tomorrow and it’ll all pass me by in a daze and that’s hardly useful is it? Look at these run on sentences, I’m really kind of panicking. That’s probably why I feel so awake.