“I just don’t want to die anymore”

I am not really doing much with my time at the moment. Ever since I’ve come back from Japan I’ve been kind of tired. I sleep, I eat a little too much of all the wrong things, and I have realised I no longer care about Kpop much anymore, or fic or any of the things I used to do. I have started on old hobbies. Listening to the songs I used to like for one. Lots of Jrock. For two I have started watching anime again. I thought I’d long gotten tired of that scene, but no I just needed a good break from it. I recently finished Nabari no Ou after about three days marathoning it. I love that series. It was something I started forever ago and for some reason I didn’t finish. I re-watched all the earlier episodes and then finished it off. Such a gorgeous anime. Yeah sure there are ninjas and awesome fight scenes, and it is so beautiful to watch, but what makes it amazing I think are the characters. A rather complex group of people with their own set of flaws. I find it difficult to watch or read something when I dislike the characters, or when the characters are too perfect. I like reading about flawed people, making wrong decisions and betraying each other sometimes. It makes it more real and easy to relate to despite any circumstance.

At the moment I am trying to get through Mirage of Blaze TV series. It’s a little difficult. The anime is nothing compared to the novels. The novels are amazing and are what made me fall in love with this series. If all I knew about Mirage of Blaze was the anime…well I wouldn’t love the series nearly as much as I do. To get back to characterization, the characters in the anime aren’t nearly as well characterized as they are in the novels. Which is to be expected because it wouldn’t work as a TV series if certain things weren’t cut out but still. Not enjoying it that much.

I have plans to watch 07 GHOST, another anime I started and loved but never finished, Junjou Romantica, Yami no Matsuei and then whatever else I fancy. Yes so I like series with pretty boys and subtle BL undertones. Some thing don’t change XD

I have a feeling that if this goes on long enough I’ll be reading manga again soon enough…

I guess by drowning myself in Japanese music and anime and such I am clinging onto Japan. I miss seeing Japanese and hearing Japanese anywhere. Other things I miss are going for long walks through the city with no destination in mind, not really, and I miss coming back to an empty hotel room and perfect silence, curling up in a big fluffy double bed and watching EHB with some juice and snacks. I miss being alone. I miss how I felt there. I swear for the first time in years I felt alive. I feel a little lost at the moment, a little sad, back to feeling trapped and lonely.

So I’m back in the UK. Came back about two days ago and have been spending my time catching up on Life is Beautiful and Friends and not doing much else. I’m really tired. It’s strange being back in the UK, in a way. Everything is in English again! There aren’t any vending machines everywhere I look or convience stores. All the people are white and just not as beautifully made up as the Japanese (Japanese woman dress amazingly well (and modest. it’s so great being in a place were I don’t have to see boobs and/or bras hanging out and people wearing leggings without long enough tops) and they wear high heels for anything! And police men and people who work at the station wear such formal uniforms. appearance really seems to be everything there.) And it’s strange how small the UK feels, when Japan is even more cramped than this place. I don’t get that. Anyway. Japan is a really beautiful, interesting place. I had a¬† lot of fun. Yeah it was uncomfortably hot and it was difficult with the language barrier. If I was to go again I’d have to learn how to speak Japanese. But I got by. And I got used to it. I liked it there, loved it even. It was everything I expected plus a load of surprises. It’s definitely different actually being there compared to just reading about it.

I saw tourist attractions and ate at nice places and shopped and bought some gorgeous clothes. It was scary being by myself, but at the same time I felt a strange sense of freedom. I no longer had anyones expectations to live up to, including the expectations of myself. I could just let go and be. Sometimes I just went out for long walks through the city, enjoying the feeling of being lost in the crowd and all those lights. It was an amazing 10 days. I didn’t think about anything and I didn’t go on the internet at all, it was truly a break from everything. I feel kind of bummed out now after coming back. I don’t miss Japan, for it’s far different living in a place for a long time compared to visiting there, though¬† I do miss certain things about it. And I just, all those things I could avoid thinking about there are all back on my mind. It’s like it was a dream and now I’m back to reality and it’s just as ugly as it has been for too long. I don’t want to be here.

This is such a beautful song. I find the DBSK version nice, but Jaejoong’s version is so much more meloncholy, so much more tender. I’ve been listening to a lot of DBSK ballads tonight, because it’s soothing and I’m trying desperatly to calm myself, distract myself, stop worrying and getting worked up over nothing.

I’m tired. It’s not the tiredness that comes about from lack of sleep, or doing too much. It’s more the mental exhaustion that drains you of energy to do anything. It’s the build up of little annoyances, too many worries, too much anger, too much emotion in general. I’m sick of this week. It’s funny too how active the mind becomes when the body just wants to stop. I can’t sleep, I know I am sleepy but my mind won’t turn off. I find myself thinking of the most ridiculous, inane things. Making random crap up, manipulating reality because I’m so bored, lying awake for too long.

School isn’t going well, and people annoy me too easily. I feel useless, annoyed and angry.

Good things would be the fact my dad bought me Ben and Jerry’s ice cream tonight for the first time ever, and it’s like heaven in a tub. The ultimate in binging food I would say and somehow I can see myself getting addicted (even though it’s ridiculously expensive to have often). Also my sister phoned and we talked about nothing for 30 minutes but still, it’s nice to hear from her. Other good things that it is at least Friday tomorrow and then it’s the weekend, and I can take a break and try and pick myself up, eat too much junk, do too little, sleep too much and hopefully feel better for it.

It’s OK, everything will work out. (I hope)