The one where I start university (sort of)

I enrolled this Sunday and started on Monday. I planned long blog entries on both days on the actual day but I was too lazy. And I’m tired and kind of don’t feel very well. It was a sort of overwhelming process. A lot of frustration, loneliness and boredom mixed in.

Sunday was maybe worst than Monday. I almost got lost trying to find the library where I had to enrol, and felt like a bit of an idiotic wondering around Liverpool with my map out like some kind of lost tourist. I did find the place, only to get turned away because it was too early :( I wanted to look around the library but I didn’t know my way around so I exited as quickly as I entered– the lady at the door gave me a very strange look for that. Oh well. I went for a long walk with no real direction in mind, just trying not to get lost. It was windy and cold and windy. I could feel the wind pressing against me and the sound of it washed out the sound of my music that I was listening to pass the time and distract me. I regretted wearing one of those tops that are only tight on the sleeves- it billowed in an unflattering and annoying manner.

Eventually I ended back at the place, and there was thankfully another person at the door. I joined the queue of other students, then got given a massive form to fill out with the helpful instruction “fill out the blue area”. I regretted judging those who came with their parents as filling out this thing on my own was hard. I didn’t have anyone to ask, so I kind of blindly filled it out with what certificates and official letters I had on me (the uni did actually send a checklist of things to bring in advance) and hoped for the best. Phoned my mother at one point to get a phone number off her and admittedly took my stress out of her but she was being so slow and I really wanted to get onto the next stage of enrolling (TMI: I really needed the toilet…) After more queuing (which was killing me at this point because I really needed the toilet) I handed my forms in, got given more forms and more instructions. Found myself some toilets (thank everything) and then in another queue to get my student card. Then had to activate my computer account. And that was it. A long process, but a simple one. I was then officially a university student.

Next came the fun of finding a stationery shop in Liverpool. Took me about an hour and I inadvertently found myself in Liverpool ONE which I’d heard about and thought was a shopping mall, and maybe that was why I couldn’t find it when I was Liverpool before because it is actually open air. But I found a WH Smith there, just when I’d resigned myself to the fact stationery shops didn’t exist in Liverpool. Phoned my sister frantically like “WHAT DO I BUY?!” as there were about 50 different types of notebook which I found almost as overwhelming as filling in that stupid form before. I feel kind of bad with how much I’m pestering my sister lately as it’s not like she had anyone to talk to when she was going through this. And I can’t shake the feeling that, despite how sweet she is to me, that I annoy her with the way I rely on her. But I can’t help it. I can do this alone! It’s scary :x I bought my stationery (which I couldn’t use my brand new student discount on =_=) and headed home.

Come Monday and the first day of induction week. I do sort of start university this week, but not actual classes- more things to make the transition from college to uni easy.

It was another miserable day. Windy and rainy. So glad I bought an umbrella, even if it is not a foldable one so I had to carry it round. It’s the one I bought in Japan, actually. I have a habit of breaking umbrellas within a week of owning it (even on first use!) but this umbrella is incredible. Not only have I not broken it, but it doesn’t invert in strong wind. It is the most invincible umbrella ever.

Anyway, I had a lecture in the morning, just general info, and then this massive two hour long break to spend all on my own, with no company, no money and nothing to do. I had lunch and then planned to check out the student union, as there are events being held there all week. Well, I got there but there were loads of crowds and everyone was with someone else so I quickly walked away, completely frightened and hating myself for it. I am so painfully shy and awkward :( I phoned my sister again, because I was bored and alone (not lonely I tell myself, even as I envied those students who had already found friendship groups and were laughing with others as if making friends was the easiest thing in the world. Why is it so hard for me to interact with other people? With the sympathy which I got from my family I wonder if there is something wrong with me. ) Wondered around the shops a bit, which just killed me mood even more as I saw the perfect items for incredible low prices but couldn’t afford any of it still. I swear going to Japan has made me take a long hard look at the way I dress and I now find myself with an interest in clothes and looking good and girly and mature. It’s wierd and not good rn that I have no money. Anyway, I had one last lecture before I finally could go home.

It was kind of a long and boring day, and I didn’t make any friends. Which I didn’t care about until I told my sister, and she was like in this weirdly sympathetic tone “it’s ok! It will happen eventually! It will!” and then my mom and even my aunt had similar reactions. Um…OK? I take it as a bad thing that the only social interaction was when I couldn’t find the lecture hall and I overheard these two guys in front of me asking somebody about the foundation year and I chased after them and we exchanged names and even shook hands. That was it. I was pretty proud for being friendly to those two, but when I think about it it’s nothing in the long run. I can’t even remember their names now. I guess the feeling of being very much alone in this really brought my mood down too. It is kind of awful being in a room of hundreds of strangers, whilst adjusting to a new environment. It’s all sorts of overwhelming. and then getting my timetable and realising I am in for about 2 or 3 days a week…but I am expected to do about 20 hours outside of that a week. It was just overwhelming.

This year is going to be tough. I knew that, I knew it as soon as I decided to be an Engineer. But it really hit me when I saw my timetable and listened to the lectures. I wonder if I’ll make it through this year, and how. I hate myself for feeling so dejected already. (Though admiteddly, I am mainly in a terrible mood because I don’t feel well. )

The train ride home was nice and quiet. I listened to music and forced myself to read. I get travel sickness, but due the fact I have 3 hours total time on the train a day coming up I want to be able to do work or read or something, so not to waste the time. For that to happen I must overcome the sickness. I found myself feeling a little queasy, but I dealt with it OK. I will get over it.

I had today off, which I spent sleeping, and reading this amazing original fic called Captive Prince. (Go read it, it’s awesome. ) I’ve only got to go in on Thursday next. Wish me luck~