Long Way

Updates for the past few days in bullet form because I am not feeling 100% and thus feeling incredibly lazy (more so than usual):

  • I had my last day of induction week on Thursday. I had to work as part of a group for part of the day and it was embarrassing. I was so nervous and I ended up rambling and saying things I should have really thought more about before I said them. I desperately willed myself to shut up but couldn’t. I always get this way. Seriously I told my sister this and she agreed I do this. Oh it was bad. I still haven’t made any friends and I don’t think I made a good impression on my group :x
  • I checked out the student union and didn’t see any clubs or societies that appealed, not really, and they are all in the evenings anyway so it’s not like I could go to any meetings (I’m in Liverpool in the mornings and sometimes afternoon). I somehow still ended up signing up for the anime club. fml. I don’t even like anime, or games. I sort of like Manga, but I mainly read BL these days and even then not often. I am really not an anime fan. I watch anime occasionally and it’s usually BL, or shoujo with hints of BL and anything with bishounen (pretty boys) in it. I have incredibly bad taste- there is no way I want to admit that I watch what I watch! But I had made this guy explain all about the club and he was looking at me so expectantly I couldn’t help but put my name down. I’m not going to any of the meetings. I’m not!
  • Also on that Thursday I had a massive 3 and a half hour break between things. Though I had a plan this time! I got lunch and then went to the Liverpool museum. It was really nice! Really small, because I have been spoiled by the Natural History museums in London and Manchester. But it was cool! They had some really nice displays. They also had a mini aquarium! I love aquariums. This one was tiny, but still I loved it. It also made me think back to going to the Nagoya Port Aquarium in Japan- which was possibly the coolest aquarium I’ve ever been too. Indeed, no other aquarium will compare. The display windows at Nagoya were so big, that the tiny ones in Liverpool really seemed so tiny in comparison :x But I still love Aquariums and it was really quiet, so much more so than Nagoya was, so I could take my time and have a really good look. It was similar level of quiet in all sections actually which was great. Oh and they had a bug section. I hate insects so I went into that section as a challenge to myself. I forced myself to stare at a tarantula for a good minute before I couldn’t take it anymore. Bugs and spiders freak me out :| They had stick insects though- which of course you had to search for XD I remember in South Africa once we found a Stick insect in our garden. They are really cool creatures. Anyway- it was a nice visit and a good way to kill some time. I do wonder what it says about my personality that I would rather go round a museum by myself than be around people but nvm. I did force myself to go to the student union after that and after that I went for a walk. I hope by the time I have my next too-long break I’d have some work to do or something. Though there are a few more museums and tourist attractions for me to check out XD
  • Met up with my best friend on Friday. Went shopping together! It was so nice to see her again, and to talk to someone other than my family XD I was terribly spacey that day due to my cold but it was still fun. She gave me my birthday present. I admit it’s quite nice to get a present now, months after my birthday. It’s nice to open up presents seemingly randomly. She got me the sweetest gifts: a motivational collage she made herself and some natural handmade soap she bought me from Italy. I am allergic to most soaps and stuff- but she knew this, and she thought of this because I can use it if it’s natural :D I was so happy. I almost feel worried that my present for her 19th won’t compare, but then it’s her 19th birthday. I’ll stress out about her 21st. Oh and I bought a couple of cheap items from Primark and a facial mask from Lush. That facial mask cost me almost £5 which killed me, until I used it and remembered just how good it was (I’ve used it before). I want my skin to clear up, even though I seemed doomed to forever have ugly skin T__T
  • We got a cat! My mom’s friend is moving into a temporary residence so she can’t keep her cat, and this we are looking after her cat for a few months! It is a black kitty with a fat body and short legs and it’s really fluffy XD She’s the cutest thing ever. I have missed our old cat these past years, and having a pet again is so wonderful. Though this cat is so clingy! She follows me around sometimes and it annoys me a little. But she isn’t vicious at all, so I can’t hate her. She’s really loving, and she loves to purr, and she is very playful. Really she is so lovely. I’m happy we have her, I think.

And that is it. I start university properly tomorrow which I’m not looking forward to for two reasons- a) I have a cold and don’t feel well and b) I start labs tomorrow. I suck at practical work. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my group any more than I probably already did on Thursday :| It’s going to be a long day tomorrow…

The one where I start university (sort of)

I enrolled this Sunday and started on Monday. I planned long blog entries on both days on the actual day but I was too lazy. And I’m tired and kind of don’t feel very well. It was a sort of overwhelming process. A lot of frustration, loneliness and boredom mixed in.

Sunday was maybe worst than Monday. I almost got lost trying to find the library where I had to enrol, and felt like a bit of an idiotic wondering around Liverpool with my map out like some kind of lost tourist. I did find the place, only to get turned away because it was too early :( I wanted to look around the library but I didn’t know my way around so I exited as quickly as I entered– the lady at the door gave me a very strange look for that. Oh well. I went for a long walk with no real direction in mind, just trying not to get lost. It was windy and cold and windy. I could feel the wind pressing against me and the sound of it washed out the sound of my music that I was listening to pass the time and distract me. I regretted wearing one of those tops that are only tight on the sleeves- it billowed in an unflattering and annoying manner.

Eventually I ended back at the place, and there was thankfully another person at the door. I joined the queue of other students, then got given a massive form to fill out with the helpful instruction “fill out the blue area”. I regretted judging those who came with their parents as filling out this thing on my own was hard. I didn’t have anyone to ask, so I kind of blindly filled it out with what certificates and official letters I had on me (the uni did actually send a checklist of things to bring in advance) and hoped for the best. Phoned my mother at one point to get a phone number off her and admittedly took my stress out of her but she was being so slow and I really wanted to get onto the next stage of enrolling (TMI: I really needed the toilet…) After more queuing (which was killing me at this point because I really needed the toilet) I handed my forms in, got given more forms and more instructions. Found myself some toilets (thank everything) and then in another queue to get my student card. Then had to activate my computer account. And that was it. A long process, but a simple one. I was then officially a university student.

Next came the fun of finding a stationery shop in Liverpool. Took me about an hour and I inadvertently found myself in Liverpool ONE which I’d heard about and thought was a shopping mall, and maybe that was why I couldn’t find it when I was Liverpool before because it is actually open air. But I found a WH Smith there, just when I’d resigned myself to the fact stationery shops didn’t exist in Liverpool. Phoned my sister frantically like “WHAT DO I BUY?!” as there were about 50 different types of notebook which I found almost as overwhelming as filling in that stupid form before. I feel kind of bad with how much I’m pestering my sister lately as it’s not like she had anyone to talk to when she was going through this. And I can’t shake the feeling that, despite how sweet she is to me, that I annoy her with the way I rely on her. But I can’t help it. I can do this alone! It’s scary :x I bought my stationery (which I couldn’t use my brand new student discount on =_=) and headed home.

Come Monday and the first day of induction week. I do sort of start university this week, but not actual classes- more things to make the transition from college to uni easy.

It was another miserable day. Windy and rainy. So glad I bought an umbrella, even if it is not a foldable one so I had to carry it round. It’s the one I bought in Japan, actually. I have a habit of breaking umbrellas within a week of owning it (even on first use!) but this umbrella is incredible. Not only have I not broken it, but it doesn’t invert in strong wind. It is the most invincible umbrella ever.

Anyway, I had a lecture in the morning, just general info, and then this massive two hour long break to spend all on my own, with no company, no money and nothing to do. I had lunch and then planned to check out the student union, as there are events being held there all week. Well, I got there but there were loads of crowds and everyone was with someone else so I quickly walked away, completely frightened and hating myself for it. I am so painfully shy and awkward :( I phoned my sister again, because I was bored and alone (not lonely I tell myself, even as I envied those students who had already found friendship groups and were laughing with others as if making friends was the easiest thing in the world. Why is it so hard for me to interact with other people? With the sympathy which I got from my family I wonder if there is something wrong with me. ) Wondered around the shops a bit, which just killed me mood even more as I saw the perfect items for incredible low prices but couldn’t afford any of it still. I swear going to Japan has made me take a long hard look at the way I dress and I now find myself with an interest in clothes and looking good and girly and mature. It’s wierd and not good rn that I have no money. Anyway, I had one last lecture before I finally could go home.

It was kind of a long and boring day, and I didn’t make any friends. Which I didn’t care about until I told my sister, and she was like in this weirdly sympathetic tone “it’s ok! It will happen eventually! It will!” and then my mom and even my aunt had similar reactions. Um…OK? I take it as a bad thing that the only social interaction was when I couldn’t find the lecture hall and I overheard these two guys in front of me asking somebody about the foundation year and I chased after them and we exchanged names and even shook hands. That was it. I was pretty proud for being friendly to those two, but when I think about it it’s nothing in the long run. I can’t even remember their names now. I guess the feeling of being very much alone in this really brought my mood down too. It is kind of awful being in a room of hundreds of strangers, whilst adjusting to a new environment. It’s all sorts of overwhelming. and then getting my timetable and realising I am in for about 2 or 3 days a week…but I am expected to do about 20 hours outside of that a week. It was just overwhelming.

This year is going to be tough. I knew that, I knew it as soon as I decided to be an Engineer. But it really hit me when I saw my timetable and listened to the lectures. I wonder if I’ll make it through this year, and how. I hate myself for feeling so dejected already. (Though admiteddly, I am mainly in a terrible mood because I don’t feel well. )

The train ride home was nice and quiet. I listened to music and forced myself to read. I get travel sickness, but due the fact I have 3 hours total time on the train a day coming up I want to be able to do work or read or something, so not to waste the time. For that to happen I must overcome the sickness. I found myself feeling a little queasy, but I dealt with it OK. I will get over it.

I had today off, which I spent sleeping, and reading this amazing original fic called Captive Prince. (Go read it, it’s awesome. ) I’ve only got to go in on Thursday next. Wish me luck~


My Dad went to Switzerland for a couple of days on business and of course he brought us back a little something. He brought back chocolate. Swiss Chocolate. Really, it is amazing.

Anyway, Thursday and Friday were the second to last and last days of school respectively. We were still on timetable but lessons were lazy and teachers weren’t as bothered with our behaviour.

On Thursday, the last lesson was physics and my teacher brought in chips and cake. Our class just sat and we were talking with our teacher for the entire time. My physics teacher is the one of the few of my teachers I actually like, there’s no nicer way to put it. She’s been my teacher for four years now. It’s weird that was my last lesson with her. sure there’s still the revision sessions, it’s not like the last time we’ll see each other. But it was the last lesson.

As a class we talked about a variety of things, ending with everyone saying where they were going and what they were doing. Some people are really doing some interesting things. One guy is taking a year out before going to university. He is going to save money for a time, then go abroad. Another of my friends is going into the merchant navy. It’s rather unique, different. But it’s not like I want to do something like that. I myself am satisfied with what I’m doing. I’d just like to get into university, that is all. The university I am hoping to get into is in Scotland though. It’s so far away! Also, one the guys remarked that my accent is going to develop another weird sound to it which may be true. As it is my accent isn’t South African (;_;), but it isn’t British. I just talk really weirdly. I hope it doesn’t change again and become even stranger.

So then Friday, the last day. We had lessons but we didn’t do anything. It was even lazier than Thursday. Did have double chemistry in the morning of all things. The first lesson was revision, with cake I couldn’t eat because I felt too ill (annoying!) and revision was actually playing chemistry hang man. XD The second lesson was a free and I went home and read, third lesson just sat around and talked. At lunch a lot of my friends were going to the local pub for a drink (disclaimer: not to get drunk…). I didn’t want to go and thankfully a couple of my friends also didn’t so we walked with everyone to the center of the village and went off to the shops before coming back to school and sat there, just talking.

Did a lot of talking both days. Everyone was in really good moods and chatty, for the most part.

4th lesson most people had a free period and my teacher wasn’t in so me and my friends lazed about on the field in the sun. Two of them had these water pistol things which made things oh so fun. /sarcasm And my friends had their cameras and were taking lots of pictures. I allowed myself to be in a couple of pictures, though I still hate it. Always feel so awkward. Like what do I do with my hands? How do I smile? I cannot smile on impulse. When people walk past me and smile at me I always end up either pulling weird- probably extremely creepy half smiles, half I don’t know what I’m doing with my face- faces at them, and/or glaring at them.

I was also pretty socially awkward for both days as I’m not feeling well. So while everyone else was all hyped up and happy, I just vaguely felt like curling up and falling asleep. I felt so mean because I wanted to be as happy as them, and I tried, but it was so much effort.

The last lesson yesterday everyone was off timetable and we gathered in the big drama studio for our last assembly together. It involved speeches by our head of year, bad dancing by a group of the boys- including dancing to S CLUB 7 (remember them? :P)– and games. It was OK, amusing in parts though I had a headache by the end as it was so loud. And I mean I don’t even know half of the people in my year! Though at the end of the day I know of them. If that makes any sense. There is a certain familiarity, and it’s strange to think that next year I’m not going to be part of that year group, I’m going to be surrounded by totally different people. Absolute and utter strangers.

There’s something safe about the way everything is now. Sometimes it’s maddening, the whole routine, how nothing ever changes, being surrounded by people you often wonder what the hell you have in common with (are they really friends?). But it’s safe, comfortable at the same time. ‘The comfort zone.’ But that’s over. Either next year if I get the grades I’ll be off in university, different place, new degree, surrounded by strangers or I’ll have to repeat a year and have to familiarise myself with the lower year group, who are also pretty much strangers which will be slightly more in the comfort zone, but still a little out. Everything’s changed. Last day of school is over. Seven long long long years been at that school, and it’s all coming to end.

It’s strange how quick everything is going. Time is passing really quickly, no matter how slowly it feels like it should be going.