health – Page 4 – Honest Lies

“I’m in pain – anger and hatred still remain in my heart”

I cannot be the only blog owner who finds it difficult to maintain their blog when they’re unhappy with how it looks? I’ve become thoroughly sick of this layout, and yet I’m having trouble replacing it – I want my site to look like this but not like this. I know, it makes no sense to me either. But I am likely making excuses. I’ve been feeling lazy, procrastinating over everything – now I’m even neglecting this place.

These past couple of weeks have been a mess.

I managed to get my business coursework submitted, and the thesis draft did get done – even without as much help from my group members as I would have liked, and with two chapters missing. I felt awful sending such a rough around the edges piece of work to my supervisor but there were hardly any alternatives. I got feedback from my supervisor back and it was a long email with lots to work on. After forwarding it to my group members there has been little progress. I’m so worried about this project. Yet, I don’t know what to do about it – should I just write the missing chapters myself? Should I send yet another email to ask for someone else to do it? Do I just give up? Right now, I’m close to answering yes to no.3.

I also got my other coursework back – my circuit design coursework. I got a pathetically low mark. I could have cried. Instead I hesitantly texted my friend to vent a little. It did not remove my disappointment or my hurt over it, but it did help a little bit. I felt proud for having the courage to reach out to someone.

One of the things that constantly comes up in my counselling is the importance of socialising, or rather the importance of getting out the house and doing things, preferably with others. It always makes me uncomfortable when talking about friends and hobbies comes up in my sessions. I don’t have many friends and my hobbies feel quite pathetic (does reading even count as a hobby?) But it makes me more uncomfortable thinking about why its like this. Though I have been trying to take the advice of my therapist.

This week I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone twice. I went to dinner with my Japanese classmates and teacher on Tuesday. It was a little awkward – I tried my best, but I caught myself rambling a couple of times. At least I caught myself, before it go too bad. I did enjoy it a little, but it also left me feeling tired and embarrassed. Then on Thursday I went to see Cats with a friend. I’d asked them ages ago to go with me, and I’ve been nervous ever since. I don’t know them that well but they made attempts to set up things with me at the beginning of the year which I’d always passed on – never rejecting, but never confirming, too afraid to say yes outright. What if they were only being polite? I’d think. So they naturally gave up asking. I wanted to face my fear, I guess. And so I worked up the courage to ask them. I thought if I reached out to them it would make it better- show that I do want their friendship. Perhaps value their friendship? Something like that. I guess I just thought I should stop waiting for something to happen and make it happen instead. Be decisive! Yes, that is probably it.

Anyway, we went to dinner and then on to the show. It started out shakily – they were late, the restaurant was busy. We stood by the bar and chatted and I stuck my hands in my pocket to keep myself from fidgeting – am I saying the right things? Am I being interesting enough? Do they want to be here? These kind of thoughts cycled in my mind. During the lapses in conversation my anxiety would spike and I’d feel panicky, like I should say something, anything. Thankfully this time I managed to keep myself from blurting out strange things to fill these gaps, as is my usual trick. We really over planned it, and so finished dinner about an hour before the show despite the initial 30 minute wait to be seated. We went to the concert hall and sat about for a bit. I was really restless, really anxious by this point, but maybe a little excited. Yet once the show started I was so aware of their presence, so caught up in new thoughts of are they finding it interesting? are they regretting coming here? that I found it difficult to really enjoy it.

After the show, and I had parted with my friend I went to McDonalds and bought myself food. Yes, I had just gone to a restaurant – but I’d been so nervous and self conscious that I couldn’t bring myself to eat a lot in front of them. What if they think I’m eating too much? I don’t want to appear greedy or fat. That’s my eating disorder there – its hard to eat around others. I was starving by the time I left my friend, and I was anxious too so I wanted to eat. I sat at the bus stop staring longingly at the Tesco in front of me – thinking about chocolate, and chips, eating until I felt sick from it, until I didn’t feel anything else but that sickness. I felt slightly shaky, panicked, upset, embarrassed. I sat on the bus and ate my fries – the tiny amount of food I allowed myself to indulge in because I knew I was actually hungry in part – feeling like a pig, feeling utterly ridiculous. The embarrassment growing even worse. I just wanted to be home, away from people. If it was possible to crawl out my own skin, to disappear completely, then that too.

So I don’t get what my therapist is trying to tell me.

I’ve tried to be a bit more social this week. But it stresses me out, leaves me feeling wrecked by anxiety and embarrassed. Even though theoretically I had two nice evenings, I was too anxious and worried to completely enjoy them. That’s pathetic isn’t it? I know I should feel happy in those situations but I just don’t. The anxiety never, ever leaves me. I cannot relax and if you aren’t relaxed how are you supposed to feel happy? I don’t understand. I can cope with texting someone about work- thats ‘safe’- but actually spending a good amount of time in another persons company…its a bit much.

Its Sunday now and I still feel anxious and embarrassed. I have the programme from cats sat on my desk, taunting me. I cringe whenever I see it. Why did I do that? I’m never going to be able to look at a poster or hear cats without remembering these feelings now.

With all this going on – with my anxiety as it has been – with the way work has been going, or not been going, with the stress of trying to socialise, I’ve totally undone all my work for therapy these past couple of weeks. I’m going to bed too late, waking up in the afternoons, eating badly. Its sickening. But I cannot be bothered to fix it. I feel so worried, stressed and anxious that I’ve come to a complete standstill. Given up. I’m hurt, and I’m lonely, and I’m frustrated – I have all these feelings, thoughts, emotions and I cannot process them, don’t know how to deal with them.

I know I always say this – that tomorrow will be better. But I’m really going to try to get back on track this week. Tomorrow I’m going out walking with my dad, and then I’m going to try and get some good revision done the rest of the week. I really want to work on my time management – with no lectures to attend to I have more than enough time in theory to watch all the dramas and read all the books I want even whilst getting revision done. I just need to stop procrastinating. I just need to remember, 2 hours of aiming to get something done is better than 5 hours sitting there fretting that you’re not doing enough.

And I will get a new layout up for this place, too.

Post Title: MC Sniper - Danger

“We are all going forward. None of us are going back.”

I cannot be the only one slightly startled at the sudden arrival of March? I know I say this often, but where on earth is time going? Someone once told me that university goes by in a flash, and it does seem to be turning out that way.

On Wednesday my father was in the area so he came to visit me. He arrived 3 hours earlier than he said – at which point I was on the bus coming home. It made me a little flustered to have no time to get myself or my house ready and to know he was there waiting whilst I was on the bus, which could take as much or little time as it wanted to get anywhere. (Typically, there was traffic and the bus stopped at every stop which only increased my anxiety.) Anyway, I got home and then we hung out for a bit – I made him some coffee and we chatted and it was a little awkward for a little while but then we made plans to go to IKEA before getting food and once we had a plan most of the awkwardness faded. I do not know why I feel so awkward around my father?

I guess lately I have been wondering – am I too close, too dependent on my family? Am I burden on them, because I am so shy and withdrawn, and therefore rely on them? I am acutely aware that I probably am too dependent on my family. At this age, I should be shifting my support network to a boyfriend or friends right? But I still find the first people I turn to are my sister and my father. I do not want to bother them and I don’t want to be a burden and yet, I need them to be there for me. Its probably selfish, isn’t it. I feel like such a burden to everyone – family, friends. I wish I could cut all ties and be independent – but I am not in a place financially or emotionally for it. Emotionally, I do not think I could ever be totally alone. I do not want to be totally alone. At the same time being around people can make me so anxious and can make me feel so bad about myself. I always, always feel like I’m bothering people and that they would rather be elsewhere.

Nonetheless it was pretty fun at IKEA – I admit, I love going around IKEA. I love dreaming of my future home – wall to wall bookcases, a big, beautiful kitchen with a fancy oven, walls filled with pictures, paintings and mementos of my travels. On one hand I dream of travel – leaving everything behind and going here for a couple years, there for a few years, another place, always new. On another I dream of a home – a place I can settle into and make my own. (I think ideally I’d like something in between – to travel occasionally, but to always have a place to come back to.) After IKEA we went to Nandos and embarrassed ourselves by not knowing how the system works – apparently you order at the desk, and get your own cutlery. Shows how often we go there! But the food was nice anyway. We went to the supermarket next, then back home. Before he left, my dad quickly made up some storage for me and helped hang up some pictures.

I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to settle into this house – I’m only here for a short while, but at the same time I do want it to feel comfortable. So I put up some noticeboards (well, my dad did), which I stuck up some pictures and some revision notes. I hung up a couple of calligraphy prints up on one wall. I then put some more pictures into frames and put them on my windowsill. Pictures of my sister and I on my 15th birthday, when she took me to see Dir en Grey, my father and I at the summit of a hill, I am pale and thin, but managing to smile nonetheless, pictures of Japan, a picture of Cape town, my family in front of Victoria falls, my sister and I laughing in the middle of the jungle in Thailand, totally relaxed because we do not know we were being photographed (I love that picture – I am usually awkward in pictures, but as I was not aware of the camera, I am actually smiling) It’s nice to have these things to look at – to have these beautiful memories there, in reach, something to hold onto.

I’m not feeling OK still but I can feel myself starting to feel hope that everything is going to be OK again – which is a good enough feeling. I was so scared, so anxious and so terrified of what that means. But I’m really getting stuck into my CBT now and everything has been put into perspective, and I’m working through it, and it takes the edge off it. I had another appointment with the psychologist this week and I have a plan of action now. Its really difficult – I have to try and create a routine, so to eat regularly. Bt I’m trying, I’m going to try.

Now, if only uni would go better. I have no idea, still, what is going on with two of my modules – and just 20 days until coursework is due for one of them. My group and I also have to start putting together our thesis, and I’m not sure how that’s going to turn out. I’ve also started my last module which is a business focused module which involves a 9am-5pm workshop involving group work and presentations and writing business reports afterwards and I don’t even know. I had the first on Thursday and it was not fun and I have two more sessions for it coming up and I am dreading it.

I’m really not enjoying university at all right now. I’m tired and I’m bored and at the same time, so anxious. I’ve just got to keep trying to move forward though.

Post Title: Richard Siken - Snow and Dirty Rain

Mint

→ This post is really good – The Truth About Being Healthy [hint: it doesn’t look like Pinterest] To quote – “The biggest lie you’ve ever been told about building a healthier life is that it’s easy.”

→ I have been thinking about fitness lately. I was watching a drama and the heroine was at a gym class that looked really fun. I caught myself thinking I want to do that. I even found myself researching gyms in the area. I do not have a good history with sport though. I was always the last to be picked in P.E(Physical Education) throughout school and don’t even get me started on how much I hated being forced to have P.E every week for so many reasons beside, I started horse riding and was double the age than everyone there, and had half the skill, I tried badminton and archery, but everyone else at those clubs wanted to play seriously, and I just wanted to have fun. So I gave up. I admit I also tend to jump into it but become uncomfortable and then stop. I am always aware of the fact that I’m a certain age and I don’t have much experience of exercise – which makes it awkward starting new things, and with sticking with it when I can’t catch up quickly. But lately – I’ve been thinking of starting up something.

→ It all started with my commute to university. I have a long commute to university. I thought at the beginning of this semester that it would be a really good way of incorporating exercise into my daily routine – walking to uni, and walking back. One the one hand, I’m not sure its working out. I walk for an hour – at a pretty brisk pace. By the time I get to uni I’m hot, sweat soaked and uncomfortable. I take a change of shirt into university, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still sweating. I feel slightly self conscious because of it. I know I look flushed and tired. I also feel very limited by what I can wear – as I have to layer carefully so I can layer down and up as neccesary (as I get hot, then eventually become cold), and I have to be able to change in a cramped bathroom stall, and quickly, before university, and I have to wear flat shoes.

I also find it really tiring sometimes – walking there, walking back. Sometimes I’m so anxious that I cannot concentrate on audio books, and it becomes a long walk stewing in my own anxiety.

→ On the other hand, I also think its really good for my anxiety, and this is why I have been thinking about starting something. During my exams I would sit through the exam panicked, feeling tearful, seriously thinking about harming myself, but afterwards a long, fast paced walk set to furious rock music really helped me calm down to a certain extent. I think its good to have that time to work all my anxious thoughts, and burn them off.

→ I do not want to lose weight. OK, I do. But I’m trying to reign that in. If I do take action in regard to my fitness, it will be for my mental and physical well-being and I will not get excessive about it. I admit this is also holding me back – I’m scared that I’ll pretend to solve my eating disorder, by flipping to another extreme – controlling my diet excessively and exercising obsessively. Its hard to know where the balance lies. And its because I feel like I do not know where to draw the line that I also hesitate. I tell myself I’m interested in fitness for the reasons above – but there is that voice telling me I need to be thinner. That I’m not doing enough to restrict my eating so I need to start exercising more. Yeah. I need to deal with that first, I think. Then I wonder – am I using this as an excuse? Because I’ve not quite come to terms with my eating disorder – I still feel a lot like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and I’m not sure where I stand with my relation to food and to my body image. So either way, I probably should be careful at this point, but I do wonder at what point it would then be a good point to start. Its only a mild eating disorder after all, but I’m scared of making it worse – of making myself worse, almost as if I feel the need to make it worse to justify it. It adds a slightly messy, uncomfortable complication to this thought of I want to do that.

→ I do really like that I feel like I am becoming fitter. After years of anaemia, I became used to always feeling tired and out of breath, dizzy even after exercise (by which I mean, even 10 minutes of walking or walking up the stairs). After my iron levels returned to normal I was pretty saddened to find that I did not magically become OK, as I mentioned in a previous post. But its getting better! There are two routes to my university lectures – one is slightly longer, but flat. The other is shorter but filled with hills. I usually chose the flat route as it was easier for me – the hills on the other one tired me out too much. When I was anaemic, it would make me dizzy and tired. Today I walked the hilly way and I felt slightly more tired – but I didn’t feel feint or out of breath – I wasn’t gasping for breath, or panting at all. It was pretty good. [Well, I’ll be honest. It was amazing. It was like that time I found myself running and I felt OK.] It makes me feel hopeful that I am building up a certain level of fitness. Which is good as I am still aiming to climb a mountain this summer, and I don’t want to feel so exhausted as I did when I climbed Mt. Tarumae and Mt. Helvellyn last summer.

Then again, I’m not getting any elevation training right now, which is a problem.

→ I really do want to go walking again – properly. I am thinking about signing up to another of the university rambling society walks – but it feels kind of awkward, after not going for so long. There is also the weather to think about – beautifully sunny and warm one day, then suddenly raining, then suddenly windy, its all over the place. and then there is also money – its £9 per walk for the society and I just cannot afford that. I am going to dinner with my father on Wednesday and I am going to casually suggest we meet up to walk in the peak district together – I can get a train for about £3 which is marginally better. There is still the weather though. I love walking. I want to do more of it, but its not the most convenient of sports – its location based, time consuming and highly weather dependent, unless you get really hardcore about it and are willing to walk in any weather imaginable- which I am really, really not.

→ So I think for now, after all that, I’ll stick what I’m doing. I’ll keep walking every day despite the annoying aspects of it, try and focus on climbing a mountain in the summer, and once I get a bit further into my counselling I’ll see about taking further steps. And it won’t be through joining a club or a gymn – I’ll like, buy myself some fitness DVDs or something that I can do privately whilst I ease into it. Yes, I think thats the plan. I think thats a good plan. Its hard to know.

→ I cannot believe I just wrote over a thousand words about fitness. I must really be growing up. XD

” I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know what’s coming next”

→ I got my results on Thursday. I was such a mess beforehand – I was terrified, what if I failed? What then? I felt a horrible kind of certainty that I had failed. I’d panicked during my exams, I had struggled, I had left so much blank. I was definitely expecting the worst. We could have got our results from our tutors on Wednesday – but I felt too terrible about it all to face him. Everyone was talking about their results and how well they had done and it only made me more nervous, more afraid. So I wasn’t planning to check them online on Thursday either – I was going to put it off as long as possible. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to. But I got home from uni on Thursday and I felt so angry at myself and at how pathetic I was being, I just wanted it to be over. So I opened up the university portal, took a deep breath and clicked “my marks.” I was shocked at what I saw. I had passed. Not only had I passed but I had done well. One low grade pulled my average down but otherwise it was OK. It was OK. I was so happy. But mostly relieved.

→ I’m still job hunting and it still does not go well. I feel a bit better that at least my grades are still good but it feels sometimes like even with high academic achievement its still not enough. I am probably not going to be able to do an internship this summer, which I can deal with, but it brings up interesting questions about what will happen when I actually need to get employed after university. I was talking to a friend the other day and she suggested that maybe these kind of jobs weren’t for me – that I should in future go for smaller companies. I think she has a point but the thing is – I want those big companies, those amazing graduate schemes, to be for me. I wasn’t supposed to do engineering – but here I am. I wasn’t supposed to live abroad – but I did that too. I don’t care about what my personality dictates would be easier for me. Fuck my shyness and my anxiety and all those things. I want to become really, stupidly successful anyway. I want to go as far as I can go – the 2:1 masters degree in engineering, a competitive graduate job. No matter how exhausting it is, I just keep on pushing myself because I have this dream, these goals, and I want to prove to myself, and OK, to others, that I am capable of fulfilling them. But with that comes the doubt- am I capable?

→ It was really great meeting up with my friend. Its so good to talk to someone who you can be totally honest with – someone who you can say I’m not OK and they will listen and understand. Nonetheless, I wonder if I have become a burden to her for relying on her like this.

→ I wish I could say I felt better now that results have come through. Everything is OK, right? But I have no confidence. Every time I succeed I feel relieved, I feel blessed – like it’s just luck. I’m still afraid of that luck running out. Its not like life just stops once you achieve something – there’s always more that needs to be done. That, to me, needs to be conquered. That’s how my life seems to have become – always fighting (myself) to get anything done. I still have a thesis to write, and three more modules to succeed in, and Japanese to finally put some effort into. But I’m so tired. Its exhausting me – all this anxiety, all this fear, all this doubt. Don’t give up now, I tell myself. Don’t give up. Lately, it falls on deaf ears. I am not working hard enough right now – I need to get on with example sheets and assignments and I’ve fallen behind so badly on my thesis research, but its so hard to care. I am beginning to lose the will to fight. I used to think if I just worked hard enough it will be OK but job hunting has made me question. What if its not enough? What if after everything, I cannot end up where I want to be? This is why its probably dangerous to set yourself so many goals, and to become so fixated on achieving them. But I cannot get through without something to work towards either…

→ I had my last doctors appointment this week. I waited for 59 minutes for what was essentially a check up. It was so pointless and awkward, but he didn’t suggest I come see him again, and so I am gratefully relinquished from that. I saw the psychologist for the first time about my eating disorder too, and that was terrifying. The appointment was long and it was painful. At one point she asked me about my depression and that was the worst. I cannot remember, you know. I’m clinging onto all this stuff as a result of that, but I cannot even remember what it was like. Its just like this…incredibly dark period of time. I remember feeling exhausted, sad and angry but I cannot for the life of me remember why. Am I supposed to remember? Does it make my depression lesser that I cannot pinpoint some great tragedy that brought it about? Was I making a big deal out of nothing? Its been years, and everything is kind of hazy. Anyway, we talked about a whole range of stuff and she gave me some things to take away and work through. I’m trying to throw myself into it but again, there is this fear and this anxiety and this doubt. and well, embarrassment too. Its really fucking embarrassing. There is definitely a part of me that regrets going down this path – Am I doing the right thing? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Have I made the right treatment choices? Do I go on medication? But I don’t want to go on medication – I’m so afraid of going on medication. Am I just making myself miserable? All these kind of thoughts spiral through my head. But telling myself to stop it just doesn’t work you know? I can recognise my bad thought patterns and my bad coping methods but I cannot help myself. I feel so out of control.

→ I’m still really struggling. At least its not reflected on my grades any more. Last year it was reflected on my grades. And it was terrifying – was I going to fail again? But…maybe it is OK now. Maybe. I just have to find the strength, somehow, to get through this semester. And try not to think too hard about the future, to not worry about the future, while I’m at it.

Post Title: Olivia - Sailing Free

“What is protecting me from having my heart fall apart in the end?”

Well, it’s been a while since I posted. Since my last post I did go home for Christmas, I had an OK Christmas followed by a tiring boxing day dealing with the horrors of the sales, in which I did not get everything I needed, although since I have managed to put together a decent interview outfit. Wearing formal clothes makes me feel desperately uncomfortable, I look in the mirror and think gosh, I’m getting old. I guess that means I am dressing appropriately. I have spent the last few weeks mostly revising. I am trying to take breaks – by watching dramas. I’m currently watching Miss Korea, which is amazing, and Man from the Stars, which is the sort of drama where you can see the drama writer pulling the strings to make it popular, but Gianna Jun is lovely. I am also halfway through Pursuit of Happiness, which started of amazing but sadly began to drag in later episodes. I even took a whole evening off and went to the cinema, to see Long Walk to Freedom, which was very emotional and made me cry. Its incredible to think that Apartheid ended when I was 2 years old, that my parents and grandparents lived through that.

(Ever since my Grandmother died I have been so homesick. I long to reconnect with my culture – I long to go back, to see my living Grandparents… one last time, I think, which is painful. I want to experience Cape Town as a person living there, again, too. It doesn’t help that South Africa/Cape Town has been everywhere – with recent events, and its recent status of design capital.)

Time is passing quickly. I am struggling to feel in control. I feel like everything is just passing me by.

I had my first exam today. Woke up at 7:00am and left the house at 8:00am, feeling pretty optimistic about getting there on time, and strangely relaxed. Then the 8:10 bus did not come, neither did the 8:20 and finally, a bus arrived at 8:35. Well, I was definitely going to be late, and so I was panicking. Its the little things that set my anxiety off – this was one of them. I got off the bus at the entrance to the university that is the opposite to the central campus – the bus does not go into the campus, and the point where I usually get off near central campus is a very heavy traffic area, so it seemed a good idea to escape the hell of unreliable public transport and cut through campus on foot. I ran most of the way and shocked myself by the fact that I could. I was breathing hard, but I did not feel dizzy and my chest didn’t hurt. Living without anaemia is great. Nonetheless I was not in a great way when I finally got to my exam – just after 9am. One of the invigilators was outside and she was very nice about me being late, the exam had only just started, and she helped me find my seat. I was breathing hard and my hands were frozen cold and my anxiety was high – and so the exam got off to a very shaky start. I settled down surprisingly quickly though. My counsellor introduced me to a relaxation breathing technique and I find it useful for getting my anxiety levels down – it cannot remove the anxiety completely nor does it help me sleep, but it usually does OK in keeping me from panicking. I couldn’t implement it fully in the exam – no time – but I had sure to pay attention to my breathing, to keep breathing deeply, slowly, to try and focus, read the questions carefully.

Honestly, the exam wasn’t great – I left feeling like I made a lot of stupid little mistakes, like I missed some sneaky trick I should know for several of the questions. I did not answer all the questions properly – though I did half answer or put random guesses for the ones I did not know. I tried though, and so I cannot help but hope. The thing is – this was one of the exams I was feeling most confident about, and its unsettling that it did not go as well as I hoped. If this is how my good exam went, then what about the rest? This is exactly the sort of way I shouldn’t be thinking, I know. My counsellor picked up on it to – the way I use the bad things in the past, no matter how distant, how I use my mistakes to justify my bad thoughts. I’m working on it. Its hard to be optimistic, when you feel like once you do, will be the point you lose everything you’ve worked so hard for.

Counselling is going quite well actually. Its really good to talk to someone, and to work through this. I don’t think my anxiety will ever go away fully, but I am hopeful that I’ll learn to live with it better. My eating is still all over the place, and I am still waiting for my first appointment with the psychologist for that. After my exam today I was desperate for chocolate but I took a deep breath – and well, I still bought junk food, just not dairy containing junk. Its really pathetic. Giving up dairy has been a fantastic choice for me in one way – I eat a wider variety of foods. In another, its also highlighted my issues with food. Every month I tally up my receipts and its always food that pushes over budget – sneaky trips to convenience stores or supermarkets to buy binging foods, but always buying staples like fruit or something else healthy, because I feel ashamed of my true intentions. The thing is, without chocolate, I need to eat more to get the same ‘satisfaction’, and I rarely do. I really hate this. I’m really scared for that appointment though- these are my habits, and thinking about changing them is so scary. As it gets closer and closer, I just get more afraid.

I also had another doctors appointment and that was a little awkward. I admit, now that I’ve gone through the scary part of admitting to it all, and had it all brought into perspective with various health professionals, I now feel a certain…not regret. But I do wonder if I’m wasting their time. It feels a bit awkward. Like I’m not anxious enough, my eating not disordered enough, to warrant this attention. I especially wonder why my doctor keeps wanting to see me – he suggested I come back to him after exams and that is the thing – is it a suggestion or is he telling me this? What would happen if I don’t? And how long am I going to be going back to see him? He’s busy and I feel bad taking up his tome to essentially just chat about how I am. I guess he’ll stop asking me when he feels like there’s no problem? So there is a problem, right? Its hard to know what’s going on. I feel very uncertain about this all. Am I doing the right thing? I think about it often, too much.

Things aren’t OK right now. I’m not going to lie. This is why I have eased off on blogging – there is only so much you can whine on the internet. And there is only so much I want to put up here – I am quite open on this blog, but I do have certain things I don’t feel comfortable sharing. And these days, my off line diary entries are filled with these things. I have renewed my domain for another three whole years though! So even if I end up blogging once a month, I’ll still be around.

I’ve got another exam tomorrow, and the day after that. Then three more next week. Then there is my job interview. Then finally, I’m taking a three day holiday to Edinburgh. My doctor suggested I give myself something to look forward to after exams – and I decided to take to the extreme. For three days I am going to not study or think about university and I am going to take a holiday. It feels indulgent, but then I think – people take time off work don’t they? So its OK I “take time off” from university right? I’m just so tired, so fed up. I just want a tiny break. I feel guilty, but I am also looking forward to it immensely. Its my little light at the end of the tunnel.

I best get back to revising now.

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