university – Page 19

procrastination

I was cleaning the kitchen earlier when it hit me- just how much I’m one of those people who will do everything in her power to put something off to the last minute. The only reason I was cleaning the kitchen was because it had gotten to the point where there was no workspace left and I was drinking juice out of mugs because all the cups were dirty. Its the same with other chores. I’ll only clean my room when there isn’t a clear pathway from the door to my computer (aka you cannot walk from end to the other), I’ll only sort out my clothes if I can’t find that one top I know I have but yet cannot see anywhere, I’m only contemplating cleaning the bathroom because there is some weird green stuff by the tap and it looks kind of gross. I am not unclean but I am far from clean. I will do the chores, but I will put them off as much as I possibly can. I don’t just do them for the sake of it, I wait until the mess cannot physically be ignored. If that makes me a little gross and horrible to live with then fine but its not like nothing gets done. it all gets done eventually.

Eventually. I am quite incredibly lazy. And an expert in the art of procrastination.

I am like this in other aspects. I finished my violin lessons earlier this year around September and I promised to keep in touch with my music teacher. I felt a bit nervous about what to say in the email and I got a bit worked up about it so I put it off and thus I have only just emailed her- in December. That’s what- nearly 3 months? :| I was learning to drive this year, just my theory nothing more, but I grew to dislike it so I took a night off and now it’s been about a month and I haven’t touched it again and most likely I’ve forgotten the little I did learn. When it comes to uni work I procrastinate and put it off until oh shit the deadline is only a week away and then I panic a little and rush to do what I need to do. I am not entirely sure this is the right approach to take- especially when it comes to revision. The worst thing that comes from not cleaning the kitchen is having to drink juice out a mug instead of a cup, but bad things happen when you put off university work. Things like failure. I have an exam in January. Somehow all I can think is ehh, it’s January. it’s ages away.

My attitude to exams and revision is terrible, even after all this time.

So note to self: DO YOUR DAMN WORK. January is not that far away. Just look at how quickly December came and is currently going.

Listening To: KARA- Jumping [REX R. Remix]
mood: lazy

average

Today I was in the library with my group. We have this presentation to work on so our class has been split into smaller groups. I am in a group with the single other girl in my class, and 3 other boys. So we were sitting in the library and suddenly this guy goes to me “so 90.” and I don’t get it at first but soon I realise they were talking about a piece of coursework we’d had to do recently. I had gotten a 91/100. Pretty good and yes I did feel proud, and relieved because I had been expecting to fuck it up. My tutor had even praised me about it. I felt good about it. Until today.

Turns out the boys know my mark. This is where I get flustered and embarrassed. They tease me calling me “genius.” and teasing me that I should do their work for them. We joke around- I say yes I’ll do their work on their presentation if they pay me (jokingly) and they agree (jokingly). They all seem a bit shocked at my mark and I don’t get it, not really, but OK, fine I’ll go along with their teasing because the aren’t being sinister. Inside though it was everything I didn’t want to hear. Fine, be impressed but please don’t treat me like I’m some kind of genius. I’m no better than you guys. I’ve spent years watching my friends get A’s, listening them to complain about getting a B in a test whilst sitting there with my U. Feeling proud of myself when I go from a U to a E to then see them gushing about how they got an A and feeling like a failure. They were clever. They could procrastinate and still get bloody A’s. I’ll never be that person. I am not clever. I failed my A levels and to get into university (at first.) I failed my music exams, one music exam I failed twice. Do not call me a genius because it hurts, even if you’re just teasing me. It reminds me of everything I am not and never will be and everything I want to be. I struggle, I don’t get things at first, I make stupid mistakes, I need to read the guidelines/question over and over before I know what I need to do. I don’t know how to study effectively, even after years of schooling nor do I know how to revise effectively for exams. I make mistakes, I repeat mistakes and maybe I will then succeed, maybe then I won’t. I’m terrible at exams, at remembering information and repeating it. I am not clever. Hell I’m not even that much of a hard worker.

I am going to start to really struggle next semester when things get tougher, hell I’m struggling right now with the technical reports we’ve got to do. And I am trying not to think about how difficult first year engineering will eventually be.

I’m never going to be intelligent and I’m still dealing with that. So don’t even tease me about this one fluke of a good coursework. Believe me when the exam results come out, and the marks for the lab reports come out you’ll see exactly how pathetically average I am.

Listening To: ZARD- Good-bye my Loneliness
mood: tired

“I just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made any sense, anything”

It’s been a while since I wrote a very long entry. I have tried to write smaller entries but for today I am going to have a good end of the academic week (for me) ramble because this week has been exhausting. I’m going through stages of lack of sleep hyperness and crashing to moody and lethargic. Currently somewhere in the middle but feeling very much like rambling.

On Monday being awesome: Monday was pretty awesome. I had a maths test I had been worrying about for a long while and then labs catch-up session and labs always unnerve me because I suck at them. However I took my time with my test, made sure to read the questions carefully, check it all and redo every sum without looking at my previous working and somehow magically passed. Then in the afternoon I discovered that I’d finished all my labs so I didn’t have to go to the catch up session. I was free! I just went home.
On Tuesday and how ice cream makes everything better: On Tuesday I went with my group on a trip to a hydroelectric plant in North Wales. I had to wake up at 5:30am. It was pitch dark when I awoke and I watched the sun rise from the train which although very gorgeous and dramatic was pretty horrendous. All I could think was that I was supposed to be asleep. I don’t care if there are people worldwide who get up at 5:30am daily. I am not a morning person.The only up side was that I got to take a nice direct Virgin train to Liverpool. Then from Liverpool it was a two hour long coach ride. The power plant was kind of cool. We had to wear hair nets and hard hats which was kind of dorky. We had a tour round the place followed by some free time to eat lunch. I sat with the only other girl in my group and this guy who I’ve spoken to quite a few times but still don’t know the name of. I somehow managed to keep up in a conversation about TV which I think is a feat seeing so I don’t actually watch any TV. The guy was definitely leading the conversation cos when he left me and the girl were left in terribly awkward silence. The lunch break was way too long. The coach ride back was hellish and uncomfortable, if not very scenic as I was sitting on the side facing the sea. Then I still had to take the train home. I was tired and hungry and nagged my father for Take Away pizza which he promised to give me, except he decided we’d go buy pizza at the supermarket instead. I would be mad but he bought me Ben and jerry’s so I was cool. My friends Season 1 DVD had come in the post so I basically spent the majority of wednesday late afternoon/evening watching it, and later watching whilst eating ice cream. Doesn’t get better than that- does it?
On Wednesday and my inability to save money: Today I am just a zombie from yesterday and I had to get up at 6am which was so hard. I managed to drag myself out of bed with the thought that tomorrow I can have a lie-in. Today was a miserable day- wet and windy and cold. Thankfully no ice. My train was delayed, of course, so I was late for lecture. I think I’ve only once been on time for my Wednesday morning lecture. Once I slept in and missed my lecture, all the other times it is from my train being delayed. It’s a little pathetic. I could have gone home straight after my lecture but I went to Primark and bought a new bag. My current bag has been annoying me for a while but I was good and I decided that I shouldn’t buy one just cos it was a little annoying but no…my old bag is a lot annoying. so I decided just to fork out the money. I mean it was only £6 and it’s a very large, sturdy, waterproof bag. It’s perfect and I’m relieved to be free of my old one. I buy so much stuff lately though. I am terrible with money. I can refrain from large purchases but I think “oh! That’s just £3! Why not?” so all my little purchases add up. I’ve bought books, beauty products, clothes, bags. I spend way too much money each month on all these things. The thing I had trouble with spending all my money on, food, is no longer a problem though. I’ve been pretty good about taking sandwiches. I buy those pre-made sandwich fillers at the supermarket and some cake or biscuits. Not really healthy but tasty and saves me money! :D
On not knowing people’s names: When I got home today I received a text from somebody but I have no idea who. However I do know that I am supposed to be working on a presentation on our Tuesday trip with four others and I have 3 of those peoples numbers so I assume due to the context of the message that it’s the 4th person. Who knows.
Talking to people without knowing their names seems to be becoming some kind of trend here doesn’t it? I admit I don’t know many of the guys names in my group. I’m pretty bad with remembering things and I do get stuck with names. I know the girls names but that’s cos me and her are the only girls in our group. It’s pretty easy and likewise the guys seem to remember our names. It’s a different matter when it comes to the guys cos there are lots of them. Engineering is a very male dominated subject. You are told this right from the beginning; you tell someone you’re doing engineering and they’ll most likely grin and say “you’ll have an advantage being a girl!”. However there is still a part of you that thinks it can’t be that bad. Then you start university and you realise it really is as rumoured. I’m part of two girls in my group, and in my whole course there are probably about 10 girls. It’s a bit strange although I guess I was expecting it and it’s not like it’s something I haven’t encountered before- at school I was part of the only 3 girls doing physics in our entire year. I am just thankful the girl in my group seems to like me and I am working on my presentation with her. Also thankful that none of the guys in my group have shown themselves to be sexist pigs. They are generally nice. I guess I better get used to male company cos really- that’s going to be my life from now on isn’t it? I do sort of miss my friends at the moment. On one hand it was tiring being around a lot of them, because our friendship was so superficial but at the same time it was comfortable and safe. We could have conversations, as long as we picked the right subject. I do miss my best friend lots. It would be nice just to sit down with someone I know and just talk for ages. We do email each other which is nice. : )
On procrastinating: Now I’m at the point of the week that I like- 4 days of freedom. I still have things to do. University assignments mainly. I did have great plans to learn to drive and learn Japanese at one point this year but it’s fallen through. Which isn’t surprising, really. I’m the sort of person who gets these great ideas in her head, tells anyone who will listen in the hope that the fact she told someone will motivate herself, then after a week or two of HELL YEAH TOTALLY DOING THIS just kind of gets de-motivated. Thankfully this is only happening with my driving and Japanese and I’m sort of managing to keep on top with university. Although admittedly my university load is pretty light. My friend is in her first year doing the course I want to and it sounds like hell. I am trying to put everything into perspective by focusing on that XD

So there. That is my life in ~1000 words.

Listening To: Boa - Hurricane Venus
mood: hyper

“The sky is very wide, the way is very long”

I’ve been going through old posts from 2009 and deleting them. I like to do this every now and then, for the purposes of not having cluttered archives going all the way back to whenever. Must say it’s so strange reading through these posts about me talking about thinking about university, going to open days, my grades and exams. I don’t think any amount of open days and research could have prepared me for how things have turned out. I hope that after this year my plans for the future will unfold the way that I want to. I’m scared, I admit. I wonder if in a year I’ll be looking back at these old entries with the same sense of idk- bitterness? I don’t know. I can almost see where I went wrong though- was I too lazy? But at the same time I’m not really sure where it went wrong. It’s not wrong anymore, of course. Things are working out. I guess what I’m feeling right now is that although I don’t mind taking the long road, I do want to end up where I originally planned. Lately I’m worrying about things. Last week I was completely down, both due to hormones and me worrying about things incessantly. I didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything. It was a pretty bad week. I was late to everything and I slept through my alarm and missed my train on wednesday- not even going to one of my lectures. I’ve since sorted myself out, I think. Or at least this week was a lot better than the last. I’m still afraid though. Because honestly? I’m quite comfortable right now, actually quite happy. And that is petrifying. I’m waiting for the moment it all falls apart. (It’s kind of sad; I don’t know what it’s like to live without some kind of fear and worry.)

But back to right now. University is going OK. I think I’m settling into the routine. I have no friends but it’s not like anyone is unfriendly and I’m only in 3 days a week. The commute is killing me in many ways- because it’s long and I have to get up so early some days and it tires me out. Also public transport can be shitty with unexpected delays and cancellations which do nothing for my mood. My schedule is light though and I have a lot of time to catch up on sleep! Next week I have a test on Monday which I hope I’ll do well in, as it’s all fairly basic maths which I should know, and my first piece of coursework due in one Friday.. Other things I’m doing right now are a lot of nothing/the usual wasting time on the internet crap and I have started to learn for my driver’s theory! Tonight coming home from shopping my dad pointed at all the signs and road markings and I was surprised how much I knew without actually learning. I do need to get hold of the right books and do research into test dates for that. I want to at least pass my theory test this year. Also I put an application in to work at a local pub. I don’t think I’ll get it but at least I tried. I want to at least try this year. Even if I end up embarrassing myself or even if things don’t work out, I want to at least try.

mood: OK
Listening To: Modern Dog- ตาสว่าง

“I can’t live successfully yet but I think I can change”

You know how I said I wouldn’t ever go to anime club?

Well, I went.

I figured I should try it out and see how it went. You know, crawl out of my shell and stop avoiding life. I was also really worried about my maths work and wanted to get some studying done. Thus a plan was born- go into Liverpool, go to library and work for a bit, then go to the anime club. I could work on maths at home, but not really. Currently the program we use for maths can only be accessed on the university network. So I went in Thursday evening and did an hour and a half of work. I then headed across town, grabbed a quick bite to eat at Tesco (I am the person who queues for 10 minutes to pay for one 70p pastry) and then went to the anime meeting. It was very weird. I have been into anime/manga/everything for about 5 years but not once have I watched it with someone else. I went to watch Ponyo in the cinema…but I went alone. And I also watch my anime/whatever using headphones so it’s weird hearing it…without headphones. It was just very weird sitting in a room full of people watching anime. A room full of people who LIKE anime. A room full of people who talk about this kind of stuff, I presume, on a regular basis. I have never really talked about this stuff to anyone. It was also weird watching anime all the way through. I usually skip the opening/ending and I’ll pause every few minutes to go check my mail or do something else. I can never focus for long enough to watch something the whole way through!

They showed two episodes of two different series and there were breaks before and after. When I first got there I had to wait around as they set up and I talked to this one girl and it was very awkward. There were many of those long uncomfortable pauses as we pondered what to say to each other and failed to come up with anything. She asked me what I liked and I said I don’t watch much anime, more manga and then she asked me for favourite manga titles and I couldn’t, couldn’t tell her anything (really- idk what my favourites are and I know anything I could mention would be BL and no way am I admitting to reading that) so I fumbled over the question and probably came across as rude. It was awful. There was another break after the first showing of…something (dura dura I think? I couldn’t really see the screen. Some guys head totally obscured the subtitles so idk) and I just kind of sat alone and waited. Oh, awkwardness. I couldn’t bring myself to go talk to anyone. They were all already in groups of friends T_T The first anime shown was OK but the other one was some lame mecha. Oh man I had to sit through 30 mins of mecha. Ugh. I didn’t enjoy the experience and I also failed to make any friends. Won’t be going back/putting myself through that again.

It would have been nice after putting myself out there good things happen, but maybe I didn’t put enough effort in or maybe I just really suck at socialising and should just give up already. It’s too hard.

Also after the anime club I went to this pizza place for a very late supper (like 9:00pm by then) and it was empty apart from me and the guy making the pizza. The guy tried to strike up conversation with me and I just froze up. Only afterwards did I think of all the things that I should have asked and said. So typical of me. I felt quite pathetic after that little venture out, sitting all alone at the train station eating pizza and waiting for my train. I wanted to go home so badly. Although the train was nice and quiet and I could just chill out and read which was rather nice. I actually quite like the commute. I get a alot of reading done and I can go over lecture notes if I so wish.

Other than having no friends university is going OK. I am in on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. At the moment the work is relatively easy though I find my labs difficult already. Well not difficult, just confusing? Basically I suck at practical work. I didn’t manage to complete my first set of lab work, which is worrying as I’d guess it is the easiest one D: It was so difficult to concentrate in that lab session as it was like 2 hours? My first lecture was also difficult to concentrate in as it was about 1.5 hours long. I also admit to having to think way too much about the basic maths and science stuff I’m being taught atm and have come to the conclusion that GCSE and A levels has taught me NOTHING. Then again I have always sucked at basic maths. I had to slave to get through my C1 paper- which is the A level non-calculator paper. I was worried about lagging behind maths but I got through quite a few modules last week from ventures to the library. Next week I will also be good and I will go to the library mon/tues/wed after lectures/labs so I won’t have to go in on Thursday like this week and thus also have a valid excuse to avoid anime club (I’m not in the city! :D) I figure even if the maths is quite basic now I should take this opportunity to get into good habits so when it does get hard I’ll be prepared.

Also I think I have gotten used to Liverpool itself. Not enough that I know any shortcuts (I have a feeling I am taking the long way round for everything at the moment) but I know where everything I need to know is at least. I am currently spending a little too much money, which worries me. I spend about £3 or more on food a day. And I like to spend the commute time reading, so I’m spending a ridiculous amount on books too. Thankfully I haven’t gone shopping again, because armed with as much money as I have now (student loan!) I will have no willpower to stop myself from splurging. Mainly though PLEASE STOP ME FROM SPENDING ALL MY MONEY ON FOOD. It’s getting ridiculous.

Listening To: Dir en Grey- THE PLEDGE ~acoustic~
mood: sick

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