university – Page 5 – Honest Lies

“‘Not that kind of tired,’ she said. ‘I’m tired in my soul.'”

→ I had to finalize my fourth year modules today. I’ve been so stressed out about it. I thought by fourth year we would have some freedom – that there would be some fun modules, like being able to do a language, or to do something on renewables. Such a thing was not to be. I had 20 credits of free modules which I wanted to take Japanese in, but turns out I had to take 10 credits of business modules, and as a Japanese course is 20 credits…well. I also did not like the look of any of my other engineering module choices. I’ve had ages to think of it, but I felt so overwhelmed so kept putting it off. Finally, I emailed my head of year to ask if I could take Japanese anyway. No dice. I reluctantly chose two business modules, went to the business school, and got told I couldn’t take one of the modules. Sat at the business school reception for like an hour, going over and over the module list they had given me – trying to find anything that sounded vaguely appealing. Failing that, I tried to find something useful-sounding and not too intense. In the end I chose introduction to finance and introduction to business operations. I went back to get it checked and the guy was super apologetic that I couldn’t do what I wanted and I felt like a jerk – even if I’m disappointed, is there a need to be so obvious about it? It’s not his fault. I did that thing I do sometimes – where I channel my frustration with a wider situation into a tiny situation i.e. take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. I’m not good at containing my unhappiness at times.

→ That done, I still had to pick my engineering modules. After much going back and forth I accepted that I wasn’t going to be able to do exactly what I want, but had to do what was necessary in some cases and settled on advanced control systems design with project, advanced electrical machines, advanced power conversion, RF microelectronics with project. Those advanced in the titles are worrying. I thought that what I was doing this year was pretty advanced but it gets worse?! I’m also very worried about the projects as my practical and design skills aren’t my strong points, to put it politely. I know I need to suck it up and do it – because these projects will teach me valuable skills, but I’m still dreading it. I’m not looking forward to fourth year at all. These modules, and I’ve got to choose a dissertation and then I’ve got to do it, and I’ve got Japanese level 3 and I’m feeling very unsure about that, and job applications will most likely be starting right in September. There’s just nothing to look forward to.

→ My group gathered last Thursday to hand in our final thesis.The week leading up to the deadline was stressful as one of my group members decided he wasn’t happy with it at all, and he verbally tore it apart, and I got angry, and I felt bad. I’d put so much time and effort into it, that I did not take well to him telling me he was going to make so many changes, and at the last minute. I was also worried he was taking on too much at the last minute, and it would not get done on time. But I forced myself to soften up and trust him, and he pulled through. I can be terribly controlling when I get anxious about things and that is not good at all. He had some valid points and I should have been less defensive- he wasn’t criticizing me and I should not have taken it so personally. I feel really bad about it and I did try to apologize but I worry I was not sincere enough. Nonetheless, we did it. We developed it and got it all done. 1am the night before and I finished the last edits and sent it off to my group members. The next day I met up with my group members, and there it was – all printed out nicely in color. My group mate had bound it in a black folder. I felt a little proud seeing it; it looked so professional. I kept flicking through it, looking at the pages and pages of text in wonderment, did we really write all this? It was strange to finally submit it, after all the time that went into it. But it was such a relief to have it done with. Someone asked me if I enjoyed it and you know, despite the stress of it. I did. I liked that it wasn’t a practical project but a research oriented project, that it wasn’t highly technical but looked more at the political and socio-economic impact of engineering. I’m not good with programming and practical work and would have hated doing that kind of project. Of course, still got a presentation and individual interview on it to go. I am admittedly worried about the marks for this. We handed in a draft on the 1st and I thought we would get feedback for it but we didn’t, so we emailed our supervisor directly and he only got back to us the day before the final project was due – which meant that we could not really follow through.

→ I had my last counselling session about two weeks ago. I received a letter in the post the other day which was a copy of the letter my therapist sent to my doctor. I read it through twice and had to sit down a moment as it hit me that this is on my records. Its ugly. Today I got a letter from my doctor calling me in to see him for a little chat. I don’t want to go. Its not like I regret going to the doctor about this. I was scared and I was anxious and I needed someone to talk to and it was good to do so. But now I find myself wanting to withdraw from it. I made myself vulnerable in front of strangers, and I don’t feel entirely comfortable with that. Also now that everything is done with and has been put into perspective I do massively, more than ever feel that I’ve made a big deal out of nothing and am wasting peoples time. So I want to withdraw. Not from treating myself. No. I realise that is where I went wrong last time. I was so relieved to be out of counselling the first time, I felt so much better, that I completely ignored the aftercare. I decided to just act as if it hadn’t happened because I was better wasn’t I- but I wasn’t dealing with certain things, not really. so it built up, and left me in my current situation. I’m going to be more vigilant now. I’m going to accept that things aren’t OK, and probably they won’t ever be 100% but I am capable of managing it. I’ve just got to continue to take small steps forwards, and not let myself take too many steps back.

→ Today, for instance, was a good day. I woke up early, went to see a lecturer and was disappointed to find they weren’t there. I went to sit down at one of the university seating areas – getting myself a good spot on one of the soft couches they have there. I set myself up and did some work, meanwhile emailing the lecturer I wanted to go see- who kindly responded promptly to all my questions. I had a lecture, and I managed to ask a question. (Although I did stammer…sigh.) Then I went into town, settled down at Starbucks with a half price frappucino – made dairy free by the very lovely barristers who were perfectly fine about answering my queries about the dairy in their products even when busy. I did a bit more revision, killing time before going to get my brows waxed at Benefit. The girl who did my brows did a great job – and she did it quickly, without any unnecessary awkward small talk. Very efficient. Afterwards she put on sweet almond oil and some spot treatments – during the wax my skin ripped and started to bleed, which was embarrassing. My skin is in a bad way right now – it did not react well to experiencing winter again. Its super combination right now – painful and itchy its so dry in places, and terribly oily and spotty in others. I tried some boots botanics extra nourishing moisturiser that did nothing, my trusty laneige hydra cream, nothing, some super fancy expensive extra moisturising sooryehan products, a bit better but still not enough. I then bought some avene hydrating moisturiser on Saturday, which was too light, so today I went back and bought the richer version. What’s another £14 for a tiny tube. I’m aware I don’t have the money. I’m aware I’m falling into the no.1 skincare trap – skin freaks out, you freak out, start experimenting like crazy with products, make it worse. Well, we’ll see. At least my brows look awesome. I also painted my nails, and I recently bought a few items of new clothing. So much money, but it made me feel good, it makes me feel better to take care of myself and to put effort in to my appearance like this. Now I just need to suck it up and do the dreaded jeans shopping – once I stop trying to squeeze myself into my old pants, I think I’ll have an easier time accepting my new weight. (It is sadly just my hips and stomach that have expanded.)

→ First exam Saturday. Revision progresses slowly. I’m bored.

Post Title: Kim Wilkins, The Resurrectionists

“It was like being in a maze where every path you choose is the wrong one, every path leads to a dead end. Except for one. There’s one path, which is the way out. I just needed to find it.”

It’s currently 2:30am.

I don’t want to fall asleep. I know it would be better for me to do something about my sleeping habits – to go to bed at a reasonable time and to wake up at a reasonable time, but I find myself desperately putting off going to bed. Even when I finally go to bed, I clutch at my smartphone, finding things to do. I can never ever fall asleep and I dislike just lying there, staring at the ceiling, at the walls, at my alarm clock where every minute lingers and its always too early or too late, still awake, always awake, trapped in my thoughts. I’ve started going to bed at 5am some nights, which is just crazy. I stay awake, wanting to exhaust myself. I feel so tired all the time, but that relaxed, sleepy state is always out of reach. Needless to say, Things still aren’t great. I really tried to have a better week though, and I sort of succeeded. I’m finally starting to get stuck into revision – I don’t think I’m doing enough, but then I never think I can do enough. I try and comfort myself that at least I’m doing something now.

The formal thesis draft was submitted last week and somehow my group members and I managed to pull it together into something much better than it was – although I’m still worried about it. We’ve not heard back from anyone. To be honest, I’m not sure how or when we will. And the days are ticking towards the final draft deadline and I think – surely its not ready to be submitted once and for all? Its just crazy, that somehow we’ve managed to put together a 60 page essay. Its my first time putting together such a long essay and it was certainly an experience – its hard, putting together something so long. Its so easy to derail, to go off on tangents. Its hard to make it cohesive and with a clear argument. I really wonder what the moderators think. My thesis is 30 credits, it could be the difference between a 2.2 and a 2.1. Needless to say, I want the 2.1.

I cannot believe I have to write a whole thesis myself next year. I’m not sure there’s anything I’m passionate enough to write 60 pages on it, which is probably the most distressing thing. Trying not think of that one.

My exams are also creeping closer. I’m trying not to think about that, too. Only two exams, yet it takes tremendous willpower to get any revision done. How on earth did I manage with 6 exams last semester? I feel terribly lazy. It feels terribly pointless. I think, well I have a 2.1 and I couldn’t even get a job so what’s the point of keeping up that standard? I feel utterly defeated by my failure. I know I’m supposed to learn from it and move the hell on, but I’m fairly tired. And I’m bored. Studying is really boring. My mind just wanders off, I can’t focus. Its the same as the sleep situation – its impossible me to really immerse myself in any one task. Its hard to get my thought to shut down, so that I can focus, or relax.

At the end of the day, the downside is that there’s just over a month left of everything. But that is the upside too. Just a month or so, and then I’ve got the rest of the summer stretching before me. So I’m not working, or got any plans beside. I’ll take the opportunity to enjoy the time off – it is after all my last free summer. The last summer I have to cling to being a child without any responsibilities. The next summer I’ll be a graduate and who knows what will be awaiting me then – I doubt its going to be pleasant, at the rate that some graduates get jobs. (This year, I let myself hope I wouldn’t be one of them, next year I’m not going to be so reckless.) For now, I’ve got this time to look forward to. A whole summer in my own space, a whole summer to relax and hopefully heal.

I’m struggling with my eating disorder right now. For a while it was going really well, but I crashed recently, slipping back into bad habits and its been hard trying to get myself back on track. I guess its linked to my low mood, this feeling of what’s the point? that tinges everything.

The other thing is: I’ve gained weight. I’ve gained a lot of weight in fact- for the first time since I was a child you could probably use the word chubby to describe me. Its unfair, I think. I’m eating better and doing more exercise and yet, I’ve gained weight. I’m struggling to accept it. I do not want to accept it. Yet the only way I can ever get myself to where I was is to starve myself. Why do I have to have the sort of body that only looks the way I want when I mistreat it? Why can’t I exercise, eat properly and be skinny? I want to fit into a a size 8, a size 10 at the max like I used to. Now I have to squeeze myself into a size 12 and I hate myself. I’m doing thing properly, for the most part. I’m trying to treat my body better. So why? I really hate it. I run my hands over my body and where there used to be the outlines of bone, there’s only the softness of fat. You can pinch my skin now, hold on. Its fascinating, in a grotesque way. My CBT modules tells me to love my body. I’m not quite sure how to go about doing that, when all my clothes don’t fit, and I feel all squishy, and I have all these curves in all the wrong places. I used to have the ideal figure – tall, skinny, no curves. Sure, I got that way because I was depressed and barely eating, but it felt good. It felt like the one thing I had – I was unhappy, I hated my personality, my skin was terrible, but I was thin. That really meant something to me. The fact that I’ve gained weight now just feels like another thing out of control, another thing that isn’t the way I want it to be. Why, I think. Why. I’m wrestling with myself – with the part of me that wants to better, to sort out my weird, distorted relationship with food (and all the things that come with it) and the part of me that just wants to give up – to just go back to the ways things were. I was thin then, at least.

I have my last therapy appointment on Wednesday. I’m fairly dreading it. I really liked my first therapy sessions, but now it feels like I’ve not made enough progress, that I’ve failed at getting better. I feel embarrassed by this, ashamed at facing my therapist like this. I don’t even know. I just feel like a bit of a failure right now. Its hard not to look at other people your age and wonder how they are so well put together. Oh, you know beyond the selfishness of your own sadness that they are probably struggling too in their own ways, they are just as insecure perhaps, that they basically have their own private demons to deal with most likely, but its so easy to slip into this feeling of being somewhat inadequate. Of being 21, and failing at it miserably. This summer I turn 22. I’ll have finished up my third year of university. The future comes ever closer, adulthood looms, and I do not feel ready for it at all.

Post Title: Elizabeth Haynes - Human Remains

“I’m in pain – anger and hatred still remain in my heart”

I cannot be the only blog owner who finds it difficult to maintain their blog when they’re unhappy with how it looks? I’ve become thoroughly sick of this layout, and yet I’m having trouble replacing it – I want my site to look like this but not like this. I know, it makes no sense to me either. But I am likely making excuses. I’ve been feeling lazy, procrastinating over everything – now I’m even neglecting this place.

These past couple of weeks have been a mess.

I managed to get my business coursework submitted, and the thesis draft did get done – even without as much help from my group members as I would have liked, and with two chapters missing. I felt awful sending such a rough around the edges piece of work to my supervisor but there were hardly any alternatives. I got feedback from my supervisor back and it was a long email with lots to work on. After forwarding it to my group members there has been little progress. I’m so worried about this project. Yet, I don’t know what to do about it – should I just write the missing chapters myself? Should I send yet another email to ask for someone else to do it? Do I just give up? Right now, I’m close to answering yes to no.3.

I also got my other coursework back – my circuit design coursework. I got a pathetically low mark. I could have cried. Instead I hesitantly texted my friend to vent a little. It did not remove my disappointment or my hurt over it, but it did help a little bit. I felt proud for having the courage to reach out to someone.

One of the things that constantly comes up in my counselling is the importance of socialising, or rather the importance of getting out the house and doing things, preferably with others. It always makes me uncomfortable when talking about friends and hobbies comes up in my sessions. I don’t have many friends and my hobbies feel quite pathetic (does reading even count as a hobby?) But it makes me more uncomfortable thinking about why its like this. Though I have been trying to take the advice of my therapist.

This week I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone twice. I went to dinner with my Japanese classmates and teacher on Tuesday. It was a little awkward – I tried my best, but I caught myself rambling a couple of times. At least I caught myself, before it go too bad. I did enjoy it a little, but it also left me feeling tired and embarrassed. Then on Thursday I went to see Cats with a friend. I’d asked them ages ago to go with me, and I’ve been nervous ever since. I don’t know them that well but they made attempts to set up things with me at the beginning of the year which I’d always passed on – never rejecting, but never confirming, too afraid to say yes outright. What if they were only being polite? I’d think. So they naturally gave up asking. I wanted to face my fear, I guess. And so I worked up the courage to ask them. I thought if I reached out to them it would make it better- show that I do want their friendship. Perhaps value their friendship? Something like that. I guess I just thought I should stop waiting for something to happen and make it happen instead. Be decisive! Yes, that is probably it.

Anyway, we went to dinner and then on to the show. It started out shakily – they were late, the restaurant was busy. We stood by the bar and chatted and I stuck my hands in my pocket to keep myself from fidgeting – am I saying the right things? Am I being interesting enough? Do they want to be here? These kind of thoughts cycled in my mind. During the lapses in conversation my anxiety would spike and I’d feel panicky, like I should say something, anything. Thankfully this time I managed to keep myself from blurting out strange things to fill these gaps, as is my usual trick. We really over planned it, and so finished dinner about an hour before the show despite the initial 30 minute wait to be seated. We went to the concert hall and sat about for a bit. I was really restless, really anxious by this point, but maybe a little excited. Yet once the show started I was so aware of their presence, so caught up in new thoughts of are they finding it interesting? are they regretting coming here? that I found it difficult to really enjoy it.

After the show, and I had parted with my friend I went to McDonalds and bought myself food. Yes, I had just gone to a restaurant – but I’d been so nervous and self conscious that I couldn’t bring myself to eat a lot in front of them. What if they think I’m eating too much? I don’t want to appear greedy or fat. That’s my eating disorder there – its hard to eat around others. I was starving by the time I left my friend, and I was anxious too so I wanted to eat. I sat at the bus stop staring longingly at the Tesco in front of me – thinking about chocolate, and chips, eating until I felt sick from it, until I didn’t feel anything else but that sickness. I felt slightly shaky, panicked, upset, embarrassed. I sat on the bus and ate my fries – the tiny amount of food I allowed myself to indulge in because I knew I was actually hungry in part – feeling like a pig, feeling utterly ridiculous. The embarrassment growing even worse. I just wanted to be home, away from people. If it was possible to crawl out my own skin, to disappear completely, then that too.

So I don’t get what my therapist is trying to tell me.

I’ve tried to be a bit more social this week. But it stresses me out, leaves me feeling wrecked by anxiety and embarrassed. Even though theoretically I had two nice evenings, I was too anxious and worried to completely enjoy them. That’s pathetic isn’t it? I know I should feel happy in those situations but I just don’t. The anxiety never, ever leaves me. I cannot relax and if you aren’t relaxed how are you supposed to feel happy? I don’t understand. I can cope with texting someone about work- thats ‘safe’- but actually spending a good amount of time in another persons company…its a bit much.

Its Sunday now and I still feel anxious and embarrassed. I have the programme from cats sat on my desk, taunting me. I cringe whenever I see it. Why did I do that? I’m never going to be able to look at a poster or hear cats without remembering these feelings now.

With all this going on – with my anxiety as it has been – with the way work has been going, or not been going, with the stress of trying to socialise, I’ve totally undone all my work for therapy these past couple of weeks. I’m going to bed too late, waking up in the afternoons, eating badly. Its sickening. But I cannot be bothered to fix it. I feel so worried, stressed and anxious that I’ve come to a complete standstill. Given up. I’m hurt, and I’m lonely, and I’m frustrated – I have all these feelings, thoughts, emotions and I cannot process them, don’t know how to deal with them.

I know I always say this – that tomorrow will be better. But I’m really going to try to get back on track this week. Tomorrow I’m going out walking with my dad, and then I’m going to try and get some good revision done the rest of the week. I really want to work on my time management – with no lectures to attend to I have more than enough time in theory to watch all the dramas and read all the books I want even whilst getting revision done. I just need to stop procrastinating. I just need to remember, 2 hours of aiming to get something done is better than 5 hours sitting there fretting that you’re not doing enough.

And I will get a new layout up for this place, too.

Post Title: MC Sniper - Danger

Goodbye Days

So I had my Japanese exam this evening. I really was as unprepared as I thought I was and yet I found myself, very weirdly, enjoying myself. I’m sure that’s going to come back to bite me. But well, its doing wonders for my mood that I came away feeling good about it despite the whole completely unprepared for this aspect.

Perhaps this is one of those situations if you don’t laugh, you’ll end up crying.

I had been told the exam would start at 6pm. Naturally, I spent most of today distracted and fretting over it. I arrived at the exam 20 minutes early, sitting down outside the room to wait. There were only a handful of people, to my surprise. Time ticked by, well passed 6, with more people turning up and then finally the moderator appeared. More time passed and I was confused, so I asked the girls next to me and they said their exams were starting at 6:30pm. Could my Japanese teacher have at least given me the right time for my exam?! Like seriously, there I was with no idea of what I was being examined on and no idea of even the right exam time. At least I got the right room, hey. At about 6:25 there was a large group of people gathered and the moderator finally started calling everyone in by their languages. There was good mix of languages at various levels- Greek, Serbian, Portuguese, Spanish, German, French. Finally it was just me and a handful of other students. A bunch more were called in, leaving just me and two girls sitting next to me who were doing French Level 1. So…I was the only Japanese level 2. The fear that perhaps I had been forgotten about gripped me, and strengthened when the girls were called in and I was left sitting outside. Thankfully the moderator came out again to fetch me and she had a paper for me.

The exam started before I’d even finished taking out my belongings – it was very informal, no rules about bags at the front or anything. It was a nice atmosphere for an exam – a small-ish group, no heavy rules.

Firstly, before I could forget, I hastily scribbled out my essay – which to my surprise I had managed to memorize. I was painfully aware of how fragile my kana and kanji are though. They usually aren’t the neatest, but nerves were making my hands shake which was making it worse. Nonetheless, that task done I went back to the beginning started the exam properly. I could have laughed when I went through the exam paper. I have never tackled Japanese in this manner ever. There were three sections – the first section I was given a huge chunk of text to interpret in various ways – the first question involved fairly open ended questions that I had to give true or false answers to. The other questions asked to answer questions about the text, and yet another wanted me to suggest an ending sentence to the text. hahaha. I did my best though – highlighting the text and translating it to the best of my abilities. It was so overwhelming and yet fascinating – I could feel my mind working through it, sinking into the task, becoming utterly focused on it and even enjoying trying to interpret it.

There was a little bit at the end of section A then asking me to give the readings for kanji and their meanings which was unexpected – my teacher had said it didn’t matter about kanji. That was nice. :|

The next section involved verbs and oh I struggled here – there was one whole question on conjugating verbs and I couldn’t for the life of me remember how. I then had to fill in the blanks for a bunch of other sentences which was a bit better but then I had to translate from english to Japanese for several sentences. I have never translated from English to Japanese. ever. that was…interesting. again: hahaha. I’d definitely given up on doing well and was just having fun with it. I guess because it is not part of my degree I could afford to have fun with it – I didn’t have my degree class hanging over my head. I could just sit there and do my best and to my surprise I could make a guess for everything. I am certain that a lot of it is wrong but I felt pretty pleased that I could at least have a go. At the end of the day I had never done anything like this before, and I had no idea about the exam even – was I supposed to write on the question sheet? in the answer booklet? How? I had no idea what I doing in any aspect. and yet, I tackled it without panicking and I even enjoyed it. I was reminded of – despite all my complaining – just how much I love Japanese and I love how it allows me to use different thought processes compared to my degree. This is what I thrive on: problem solving. Taking a task, breaking it down, finding the solution. This is one of the reasons why I chose engineering – but this is also why I love doing Japanese. It allows me to problem solve in different ways, to test myself and think in different directions. Its more open ended, not quite as methodical, or rather there are different patterns to it.

I found myself completely absorbed so at 8:30 when I finally surfaced I was surprised to look around and find the classroom empty apart from another guy. I wasn’t sure if the exam was even over – the moderator hadn’t announced anything. But I felt pretty embarrassed to be left there – the other guy was even packing up and about to leave. So I decided to accept that I had probably done all I could and I handed it in. Who knows what will become of it – I am hoping that my essay will be enough to get me through. Although that’s a point – the section C was all that essay, however the essay question was worded slightly differently from what my teacher gave me. But I’d like to think that when my teacher helped me to write it she did so geared towards the exam- she wouldn’t help me write a totally unrelated essay? She’s help me get maximum marks? I really hope so.

I left the exam and walked home – even though it was dark and I know technically I shouldn’t walk home so late. I was feeling pretty hyper – pumped up with nerves and adrenaline, my mind still working away. Despite my anxiety I felt pretty good – I hadn’t sat there panicking, confused, I’d approached the exam and tackled it and did my best. I was also so glad I’d chosen to get it over with today – I could have left the exam until later in the week and on Sunday I was wondering why I hadn’t – but it had been a good choice to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Now that the exams for this are over its back to my daily kanji practice – an hour curled up in front of the heater mindlessly writing out kanji is strangely meditative and is something I enjoy. I am also going to sign up for a Japanese level 2 refresher course over April I think, as that’s more focused on speaking. It would be good to have the opportunity to have some more speaking practice as that isn’t something I will have access to otherwise, and its my weakness after all.

I guess sometimes I doubt why I am learning this language – its not like I have enough else to do. But I love this language so much and even though I’m progressing so, so slowly at learning it I need to keep reminding myself that I am making some progress. If I just keep on trying eventually I’ll get there right? I just must avoid going down the path of how is this going to be useful for my future kind of thoughts. At the end of the day its hardly a good business language to have and although I still cling to my hopes of moving to Japan… at my age I’m well aware I’m delusional. and yet, and yet. I just love this language so much. I love that country so much. I was talking to my family the other weekend and we were discussing our favourite places and I didn’t even have to hesitate – Cape Town, followed by Japan. I’m still that 13 year old dreaming of this fantastic, unique place, testing out the sound of this new, foreign language on my tongue, getting lost in it, becoming totally enamoured with it. You’d think 8 years later somehow I would have gotten over it but I never have. It stresses me out, it makes me feel inadequate, but I’m still besotted. More determined than ever to make progress.

So I do hope that I did better than I thought.

This entry is weirdly upbeat compared to the last bunch isn’t it? It’s what I was talking about in a previous posts – these ups and downs in my mood. Today for some reason was a good day. I had a few shaky moments but ultimately I managed to cope and keep on top of my negative thoughts. I hope tomorrow can be a good day too. Its such a relief to feel positive and fairly relaxed for once.

“In fact, he didn’t give a good damn about a whole hell of a lot these days. Self -destructive, he knew; not a first for that, either.”

It’s now approaching the end of term for the third year of my degree. I’m not quite sure when that happened, but things are so stressful that I don’t have much time to process it. The days just pass by, and I’m not quite sure where all that time is going. Deadlines are fast approaching, as are exams.

I had my Japanese speaking test on Tuesday. It did not go well. My partner had been unreachable all weekend so we ended up meeting on Tuesday afternoon to create the dialogue and to go through it. In the end I messed up a couple of particles but that went ok – it was just a bit short. It was when my teacher started asking us questions after that I struggled. To be fair to me, I would struggle in this situation even in English – I’m not good being put on the spot like this. In the end I had to say “I don’t know” – twice. Too many times. The worst thing is that afterwards I knew what I could have said – it’s just that interview environment that I freak out and my mind goes blank. I just cannot think in those situations. Tomorrow, I have my writing test. I have a 300 character essay to memorize for it. My teacher initially said it was a 160 character essay, which I did and sent to her on Thursday. I got a terse email back on Friday saying for level 2 it needed to be longer and more detailed. Feeling a little bruised from the passive aggressive feedback, I changed it up, expanded it and sent it back. I got another email, even more terse, with even more red text and more corrections on Saturday. I now have a final essay but of course I still need to memorize it. Which I cannot. Because I’m not very good at memorizing things. Especially a 300 character essay in Japanese. One of the things I’ve always loved about Japanese is how you can say so much with so little- 100 characters are very different to 100 words. Yeah, perhaps now I wish Japanese was more straight forward. I feel bad after my teacher spent so much time on it, that it may come to nothing. My confidence is more than a little battered after the terrible speaking test, and the terse emails – all that red text a reminder of how bad I am.

Worse, apart from that essay I have no idea what to expect for the exam. There are no past papers, we have not been told what is on it, what format it will be. Nothing. I have been stressed out about it all week but I think I’ve reached the point where I’ve just given up on trying to prepare for it. Gotten too overwhelmed by it all and now thinking, what’s the point? It’s not like I’ve not tried this year – last semester, sure, I did not do enough but I had six exams and a group thesis to work on as well. This semester I have had more time and I have been trying harder. But there’s so much to memorize and I’m not very good with cramming it all in. I get confused over which particle to use. My mind goes blank and I can’t remember whether a word means one thing or another, whether the kanji/kana says this or that, what the stroke order is. And all the weird and wonderful conjugating rules and all the different forms – there are so many different word forms. Again, I loved Japanese because it was so different from English, I found it fascinating. When it comes to an exam, it’s just frustrating.

It’s too damn much. For someone who has been learning Japanese for as long as I have, it’s also admittedly pretty pathetic how much I still struggle. I try to brush it off but the thing is that next year I will be able to take a language as part of my degree. Currently I am taking paid evening classes outside of my degree – they do not count as credit towards my degree. The evening classes are at a slightly different level than the degree classes – at level 2 for evening classes, I should be able to enter level 2 of the degree classes. I’m slightly terrified that if I fail these assessments I am in fact going to be sent back to level 1 for the degree classes. I want to move forward. But maybe I should accept the reality that I’m just not very good with languages? Clearly, I have no idea how to learn a language, and I don’t have the memory to be able to hold onto the sheer amount of vocab needed. And I certainly do not have the confidence to speak it well – I fear getting it wrong so much. Even when speaking English I have that fear – what if I’m saying the wrong thing? Becoming tongue tied and ending up blurting out strange things because of this fear. Feeling embarrassed, so the fear intensifies, becomes justified.

Nonetheless I am pretty annoyed at how little information my teacher has provided about these assessments. For the speaking test she told us it wasn’t long enough but we had asked us before and she hadn’t said it should be long. For the writing test she told me the essay needn’t be too long, 160 characters is fine, but then it was suddenly 200 characters minimum, and of course there are no past papers. How am I supposed to practice without anything to practice with? Its two hours – how am I supposed to know how to manage my time?

Anyway, apart from my Japanese test on Monday, I have three pieces of coursework due Thursday and my group draft thesis due on Friday. I want to say that I’ve made more progress with these others, seeing so I’m so hopeless when it comes to Japanese. Alas. I’ve got one report done and submitted already, but the other two aren’t anywhere close to done. The group thesis is going particularly terribly. I feel helpless about it as it’s a group project, so it only matters 1/6th of what I do. The other 5/6th rests on my group members and therein lies the problems. My group members were supposed to finish their research by 3rd march, it is now April and they still haven’t finished. I’m in charge of putting together the final thesis but so far only 1 out of 6 chapters have been done. I’m working on another chapter but my group member whose research I am combining with mine for it has totally half asked his work and I do not even know where to begin polishing that into a final product. The other members keep telling me they are working on their stuff but have nothing to show for it.

I’m so stressed out right now it’s ridiculous. I’ve been spending hours in the library this week trying to get through everything but those hours pass with only small amounts getting done because it all takes so much time. On Friday I was at the library from 3pm to 8pm and I hardly got anything done, busy fucking around trying to get this group members research to fit into the thesis and failing miserably because no matter what I did I cannot work with what isn’t there, and I tried to do a bit more research myself but at the same time there isn’t enough time. I cannot write this thesis all myself. I can add bits and pieces but I need more from my group members. And I have no idea how to express this, and I am acutely aware that it’s all probably hopeless because it’s too late. 60 pages by Friday, and we’ve only got 10 pages.

I miss my wonderful group from last year – where we all delegated tasks based on our strengths, where we all pulled our weight and got things done on time with plenty of time for last minute edits. These people I am working with have no sense of time management. I mean, sure I procrastinate, I admit, but leaving it this late? After we’ve had all year to work on it? It makes me angry, quite frankly. This thesis is worth 30% of our marks this year. I’ll be so annoyed if my marks drop because other people cannot be bothered to pull their weight.

I’m so very annoyed about it all.

Meanwhile I’m getting exactly no revision done for my exams and that just adds to the stress and the anxiety.

And its awful because I’m dealing with my eating disorder right now and the stress is not helping. I’m a binge eater. Usually I’d be drowning my stress in chocolate, ice cream and other such fatty foods but of course I’m trying not to do that now. I’m left feeling very lost, and very empty, with all this stress and worry and no idea quite where to channel it.

Post Title: Sworn to Silence, Linda Castillo

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