This week has been a pretty stressful one. My fridge started playing up last weekend and by Tuesday, had given up the ghost entirely. I came home late on Tuesday evening to find the fridge silent, water on the floor and my food defrosting. Cue panic. Thankfully my landlord has been amazing in getting it all sorted out and quickly, but it was still awful chucking out bag after bag of uneaten, inedible, soggy food. It was also kind of gross. It hadn’t started rotting, thankfully, but that kind of smell was starting to set in as I cleared the last of it Thursday morning before work.

It was not a good time for it. I’m going on holiday very soon and I did not need to be dealing with clearing out and cleaning my fridge, I have so much else to do. I am thankful it didn’t fail whilst I was on holiday but I’d rather it would not fail at all.

My thoughts on my holiday have been changing a lot these past few months – excitement, nervousness, maybe even a tiny bit of dread, guilt for feeling that, more nervousness, and now pure stress. I have such a long to do list. I honestly thought I had so much more time than I ultimately did. I did not expect it to come round so quickly. I have not yet come to terms with the fact that I am going home in less than a week, and before that, less than a month, two months. It seemed so far off. I am not prepared in all the ways.

The house is kind of messy and unorganised, I am not packed, I only just finished off my laundry today and bought my travel insurance today too. I haven’t yet gone to the doctor to sort out my travel sickness meds and it’s looking increasingly likely I won’t be able too (good job, self) I wanted to get my hair cut, didn’t happen, though I did manage to get my brows waxed at least. I think I have mostly bought everything I need, apart from a couple of items, but of course it’s too late now. One item is stuck in the post and I’m very worried it won’t come before I leave and what if the postman can’t fit it through my letterbox? I am worried about all the food rotting away in my black bin outside, which won’t be collected for three weeks (thankfully it’s still winter…) I am worried about coping with the hot weather in Cape Town, and with the water restrictions happening over there right now. I am nervous about meeting my family again for the first time in years, and staying with them (especially with my odd eating habits ) I am feeling self conscious – about my weight, about my acne and my eczema, just how I look in general. When you meet someone again in a long while you want to look fabulous. I don’t feel particularly fabulous. Just tired and a little run down. That, and I am dreading any questions about the vertical scars on my wrists. I do not want to talk about those. And it’s not like I can hide them in the heat (It’s going to be hard enough hiding the scars on my thighs. I’ve got maxi dresses and loose cotton jumpsuits so I’m hoping I will not have to resort to shorts. Please no. Between my scars and my cellulite I just cannot.)

It’s so hard to focus on work right now, all I can think of is I am going home. I am being really obnoxious and talking about it at every opportunity I get, like a child counting down to their birthday. I just, I can’t believe next week I will be going home. I wonder how much it has changed? I wonder how my family are, and if we will get on? I wonder if I will enjoy it? I hope I enjoy it. I hope I don’t embarrass myself or my parents in front of my family. I feel like, this is either going to be amazing or a complete disaster. I feel that either way this is going to change everything, but that placing that kind of gravity to it is only setting myself up for disappointment.

Either way, it seems to really be happening. Ready or not, I’m going home.

• Post Title: Dir en Grey - Garden

I woke up today, admiteddly very late, and looked out the window to see the street was covered in snow. This hasn’t been unusual lately, but it was rare weather for the weekend. I decided to venture out with my camera, get some pictures and some fresh air. I don’t mind snow when it’s fresh, not yet been trodden into sludge and ice. I thought it would be nice to enjoy it, instead of looking out at it from my office window.

Unfortunately, it was not quite the winter wonderland I expected once I’d gotten going. It started raining about ten minutes into my journey and didn’t really stop. I was sodden and miserable, trudging back through deep puddles and sludge. Of course, I’d stubbornly walked all the way to the nature reserve I wanted to as I intended, and done a circuit of it too, before finally heading home. I kept thinking, it will let up soon but if anything it just got worse.

This is why I am no longer running. I think I’ve mentioned it before, haven’t I? That I really want to be a runner. I really love the idea of being a runner. Being like those people in movies or books or worse, on blogs and Instagram, who run off their stress, anxiety and depression, for whom running is freeing and life changing. I tried it once, stopped about a month in, sore and exhausted and still anxious. Then I decided to try again. I thought, maybe I was too ambitious last time and instead of following couch25k religiously, I circled through weeks one and two. It was easier running when I could break it up with bits of walking. Sometimes, I liked going out in the evenings when it was quiet. Sometimes, I thought I came close to understanding those fictional characters and those people – sometimes it felt good. Other times I was exhausted and sore and I hated it and didn’t want to do it. Then winter settled in properly, and I didn’t want to go out in the ice, in snow, in strong winds and storms. I had an excuse to give up. I’d see people out running in those weathers anyway and I’d feel, I do feel, such a baby. But I also feel very cold right now. And I do not like being soaked through and sore from walking awkwardly on slippery surfaces. Like today. I could appreciate the beauty of the scenery in many ways, but I also felt cold, and I’d left my earphones behind so couldn’t distract myself with an audiobook or music. It wasn’t aweful, but it could have been…considerably less damp.

I am vaguely unhappy right now and I don’t want to be one of those people who complains without doing anything about it so I have been trying things- running, yoga, going for walks, cooking more/eating better, cutting out caffeine, decluttering the house. Nothing seems to really work and nothing seems to really stick. I do compare myself to other people – out there running or doing yoga or meditating or eating tonnes of salad to a happy, healthy mind and I wonder – what is wrong with me? Mindfulness definitely doesn’t work.
And other things, is it me making excuses, giving up too soon, doing it wrong or is it simply me. I want to find something that frees me, but I can’t. I can’t make it work. It’s very frustrating. Perhaps I have too high expectations, compare too much. In fact, I definitely do. Now, like always, I need to accept good enough instead of striving towards some bizarre, unrealistic ideal. It’s hard though.

I think – I should stick with something and find some acceptance that way, I must keep moving. Then I think, I must be kinder to myself and just keep trying, eventually I will find something. I remind myself- I am perfectly allowed to quit if something really doesn’t work. I am allowed not to stick with something actually. So. I’ve given running a good go and it’s not worked and that’s…that’s ok. That should be ok. It’s hard this, to let go of your expectations and hopes, when necessary, to admit that maybe you were wrong. To stop trying to be someone else/who you think you ‘should’ be. I’m just too stubborn. Like today, I should have just gone home straight away or at least sooner. That also would have been ok.

It’s hard to find the middle ground between being kind to yourself and being too easy on yourself – you need to push yourself to grow, or do things you don’t like sometimes. I’m just, evidently, not very good at picking my battles.

• Post Title: Vixx - Error