sleepless

Today I had my Italian listening test. It was kind of weird. I’ve never done an language at GCSE or A level so I didn’t know what to expect. It seems to do a listening test you get a laptop with headphones, and the CD with the test plays through the laptop whilst you still answer in a paper booklet. It was quite interesting. But typically mine was the CD that didn’t play, resulting in an awkward 5 minutes at the beginning waiting for someone to come fix it. Once the test finally began it was OK. Everything worked. The actual act of answering the questions was not amazing and I’m not expecting much from my results.

To be honest I didn’t really care.

I felt terrible this morning. Actually I’ve been feeling terrible since Friday. My anemia was showing signs of improvement, but by Friday I was dizzy, nauseous, had a headache, tired. The whole works. By about midnight Friday I could barely focus I was so dizzy and I honestly thought I was going to start throwing up. Did not feel nice at all. It didn’t improve of the weekend and when I woke up today it was much the same. I dragged myself in for the exam and just did whatever, not even caring (strangely I’d been worried about it over the weekend but when push came to shove I was feeling to crappy to actually care). I was so grateful when the exam was over. I called my mom and asked her if I could come home and she said yes. I did come home with plans to do some revision, spend the day usefully because I just felt a bit rubbish, I wasn’t dying or anything. I just couldn’t face being in school, all the noise and being around people.

However I ended up coming home, having some breakfast and then lying down on my sisters bed (it’s sunnier in her room :D)and pretty much not moving for almost 5 hours. I stared into space, read a lot and attempted to nap. I couldn’t really sleep because something kept waking me up ¬_¬ But lying down reading in the sun was so relaxing and for once my mind wasn’t in 10 places at once which was an amazing feeling.

(I’m also happy to say I finally finished two out of three books I’ve had ongoing! Lately I haven’t been able to concentrate so I rarely read. But I finished them! The magicians by Lev Grossman, which I love and is absolutely beautiful and I highly recommended it (seriously, read it!).And Grotesque by Natsuo kirino which may be one of the few books which squicked me slightly, and also had a really lame ending and was kind of just OK. Nothing amazing, but interesting in parts.)

After 4 and a half hours of reading and resting, unable to sleep, I just felt really bored. So I got up and went on the computer. Still did nothing productive and still lovely. Not to worry about anything, not to think of anything and just rest like that.

I don’t know why but it’s different than the weekend. On the weekend I always have to battle my conscience telling me I should be doing this and that, and it’s hard to relax. But taking a day off I don’t feel that guilt. There’s nothing I should be doing because I have made the decision myself not to do anything. Sort of like “I am ill and I am going to rest. Try and stop me” If that makes sense. I’ve done no work today, and I’ve not felt guilty for it. Well, I almost feel guilty but I won’t allow it. Today was my day off. To rest, read, sleep, and not worry about everything. I feel relaxed and happy now. I needed today.

Though must say, feel better emotionally but don’t feel much better physically. I can’t take any more time off though, and really being ill is so boring might as well go into school. ^^

P.S: New Layout! Yes, it is bright green. : )

This is such a beautful song. I find the DBSK version nice, but Jaejoong’s version is so much more meloncholy, so much more tender. I’ve been listening to a lot of DBSK ballads tonight, because it’s soothing and I’m trying desperatly to calm myself, distract myself, stop worrying and getting worked up over nothing.

I’m tired. It’s not the tiredness that comes about from lack of sleep, or doing too much. It’s more the mental exhaustion that drains you of energy to do anything. It’s the build up of little annoyances, too many worries, too much anger, too much emotion in general. I’m sick of this week. It’s funny too how active the mind becomes when the body just wants to stop. I can’t sleep, I know I am sleepy but my mind won’t turn off. I find myself thinking of the most ridiculous, inane things. Making random crap up, manipulating reality because I’m so bored, lying awake for too long.

School isn’t going well, and people annoy me too easily. I feel useless, annoyed and angry.

Good things would be the fact my dad bought me Ben and Jerry’s ice cream tonight for the first time ever, and it’s like heaven in a tub. The ultimate in binging food I would say and somehow I can see myself getting addicted (even though it’s ridiculously expensive to have often). Also my sister phoned and we talked about nothing for 30 minutes but still, it’s nice to hear from her. Other good things that it is at least Friday tomorrow and then it’s the weekend, and I can take a break and try and pick myself up, eat too much junk, do too little, sleep too much and hopefully feel better for it.

It’s OK, everything will work out. (I hope)