and so.

As you may or may not know, August 19th was A level results day in the UK and also the day we (students in general) found out whether we got into university. 170 000 students were predicted not to get in, and yeah I was nervous about it all as I knew my grades weren’t the best already and I’d found the exams difficult. I could easily, too easily, see myself as one of the unlucky 170 000.

I dragged myself out of bed yesterday at about 9:00am and got ready like usual. It was only about 10:00am that I decided fuck it, just look already and turned on my computer and opened UCAS. My conditional choice had rejected me, but my first choice had not. There was hope, but not much. I kept refreshing but my first choice were clearly intent on leaving it as late as possible so I decided to go ahead and get myself to school to pick up my results. On the way there bumped into some of my friends, who had all gotten in of course. I acted like I hadn’t gotten replies from anywhere yet and congratulated them, brushing over my situation (I’m good at that, I’ve been doing it for a while now when they get SUPER AMAZING grades and I only get like U’s!) I got more nervous. Picked up my results and clung to them until I was well away from the school. The walk to and from school is pretty deserted so I opened them up as I was walking. My results weren’t amazing but fuck, I IMPROVED SO MUCH. My hard work had sort of paid off ;___; The subject I worked hardest at was maths and sure I mainly got D’s, but I got a B in my one AS Level exams! I was so happy with my results. Even as it sank in that I most likely wasn’t going to get into university I was actually happy, as weird as that sounds (as weird as it felt at the time). I phoned my sister and chatted to her, bought some ice cream from the shops and headed home. Checked UCAS and still no word from my first choice. I waited it out, and as every hour dragged by I knew it wasn’t happening but I wanted to wait until they replied before thinking about what came next. They finally rejected me at around 3:00pm (and hey, I should be grateful as apparently some uni’s won’t be telling prospective students until today or tomorrow whether they got in making their chances of going through clearing slim)

I think that maybe there was a part of me that was expecting such an outcome, so it didn’t hurt like it should of (perhaps). I didn’t shed a tear. (To be honest maybe I was still high from the fact I got a B in one of my maths exams XD )

I let it sink in that I would have to go back to school. I thought about what I would retake, and realised I’d have to do either RE or Chemistry which I hate. I still felt happy about my marks, but bummed at the thought of going back to school. So I decided to poke around clearing and see what was available. After some poking around I found an engineering foundation course. I decided to see if there was a university closer to me that did such a course. There was.

And thus A PLAN WAS BORN. I would not go back to school but I would not go onto studying for a degree. I want to study electrical and electronic engineering, and I decided I would spend this year doing an engineering foundation course. After that I can carry on at the uni I did the course at, or possibly transfer to another university! A university I wanted to go to this year! And I didn’t have to go back to school!

It seemed like a great plan and so I found a new determination. I was going to get into university no matter what. I was fucking determined. And so I googled what the fuck I was actually supposed to do when in clearing and what I read didn’t make much sense, but I did come to realise that I was very much on my own. I had to phone up universities myself and ask them to let me in. D: Started to feel stressed, and worried, and nervous. I looked through clearing at every uni and college reasonably near by to see if they did a foundation course. My first option (option A) was the first I called. By this point I was stressed and confused and scared. I was actually kind of shaking as I held the phone to my ear, having no idea what the hell was going to happen once someone answered. It wasn’t that scary, but my heart was pounding in my chest and I was still feeling shaky. They took my details and said they’d get back to me later. I continued to research and found option B. By this point my dad was home and I could discuss things with him before phoning up B. I was shocked that my dad was not angry or disappointed. He was supportive and a little proud and interested, and helpful and really nice. The only point of the day when I felt like crying was when my dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me something along the lines of “shame it’s been a tough on you with your depression and now all this”. I felt so loved but I was so shocked at how nice he was being, how nice he had been to me since he had gotten home, that I honestly wanted to cry. I was really expecting him to be angry and disappointed you know?

Anyway. Phoned up B and they were much better, they took my details and then offered me a place straight up! I HAD AN OFFER. I discussed it some more with my dad, thought about it, waited for A to phone me, phoned A and didn’t get through, phoned A again got through and was told they’d do their best to speed it up and they’d phone later. And eventually decided B was the right course for me and so added it as a choice. Oh yeah there was option C but every time I tried phoning I couldn’t get through and I eventually gave up, especially with an offer in my hand.

And so I got up early this morning to check UCAS and see if they’d replied and given me my offer formally instead of verbally. Nope. I was just…tired. I had barely slept the night before because I was so worked up and absolutely petrified about what was going to happen, and still nothing was certain. I was exhausted from the stress of it all. Phoned them at 9:00am exactly (which is when the phone lines open!) and asked them WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON (but obviously more polite) and was told they are still processing my application and would call me when it’s gone through. OK, that’s fine. A also phoned my back (as I was on the toilet ;__;) and offered me a place there, so I had a back up option too. I was still a little stressed out but I sat back and relaxed, watched some Junjou Romantica, listened to music etc. Around 2:00pm I decided to bake a cake too, which came out very nice, but the whole process of making it didn’t relax me as much as I hoped. I was still desperately waiting for B to call and of course my dad and my sister kept phoning to ask about what was happening, making me all excited each time thinking IT’S THE UNIVERSITY when it’s really…my dad or my sister. My sister has been cute during this whole process though. Very supportive of me ♥

It’s still not gone through even now. All I got is “Your application has been sent for consideration”. RAWR. I know there are 169999 others like me, but obviously I’m impatient. I think I’m guaranteed a place, but it would be nice to see it on UCAS itself you know? And really THIS IS SO STRESSFUL. I think things have worked out for the best in their own special way, things do happen for a reason…even the things we don’t generally like. And yeah so what all my friends are going off to university and doing degrees. Fuck them. I’ll grow at my own pace. I’ll continue to work hard at improving my motivation and try my best at this course. I’ll get where I want to, even if I have to take longer than everyone else.

I am glad I chose this. I know and I think I’ve always known I’m a bit behind my friends and I need an extra year doing something, but I did not want to go back to school at all. I think just having the new environment will be better than school you know? Rather than being stuck at school, where I’d have to do subjects I’ve long gotten sick of, and put up with teachers I hate and I can imagine I would be even more lonely and bored with all my friends at uni, it seems better that I go to university to get more education and a better, more specialised education before going on to my degree. My grades are improving, slowly but steadily, and I think this will be good to motivate me to improve them even more.

Oh but I’m staying at home and commuting to Liverpool from home. I will have to get up really early, and possibly get a train at 6:30am every day. Good training for the future- I guess? D:

Tomorrow I’m going to Liverpool tomorrow so I’ll get to experience ~the commute~ as well as see the uni. How rushed is this all? haha.

But everything’s OK, I think. It’s all working out, in its own special way.

(I will continue to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.)

(And I’m sorry if this post makes no sense to those unfamiliar with the British Education system…)

The day I panicked

Had my last exam on Tuesday. Physics. It wasn’t amazing. The paper was really difficult :x There was this one stupid question too which asked us to explain a line from a Katie Melua song. WTF physics, stop trying to be cool. Anyway, it was just really hard and sneaky. I felt like there was something I wasn’t quite getting and I lost a load of marks simply not being able to answer questions because I had no idea what they were asking. And by the end I was just writing whatever came to mind, rambling like a crazy idiot. Meh. I lost any will to do well after how horrible maths went. :| It was also kind of awkward afterwards because as I was heading towards the toilets my physics teacher was there outside the science faculty office, which is located near the toilets. So I lowered my eyes and snuck past, as she was thankfully occupied. But as I came out the toilets she was there talking to a couple of other boys in my year and I got cornered. I said hi and told her it didn’t go well. She turned to the other boys and they were talking about the exam and I did not want to hear what they put (as it was likely different from what I did and they were cleverer) so I just snuck away without saying anything. Probably a little rude but I didn’t care. I was hungry and the exam sucked and I just wanted to go home and eat cake. Which I did.

Today I had my Grade 6 violin exam. 4:26pm. My dad took me at about 3:15pm because the place was really far. I was not nervous until about two hours before when suddenly I just became absolutely petrified. My dad was really sweet and  bought me some chocolate beforehand because I was nervous. ^_^ It was really hot today and being stuck in the car was not fun. It did remind me of last year when my dad took me to all the university open days. Even though going on university open days proved useless as I realised too late I couldn’t get into those universities, those long drives with my father and spending time with him was kind of nice, if not for being stuck in traffic in a hot car for hours on end. Similar situation today as it was again those kind of high temperatures. We had the windows down the whole way. We ended up arriving there early. I made my dad test me on my scales and then I rambled on about how nervous I was and past exams because I was super hyped up on anxiety. My dad was no use in calming me down.

My exam went terrible. I was too nervous. I felt slightly shaky and hot (sweaty), and my fingers weren’t doing what I wanted them to. I messed up on my pieces, really stupid little things I shouldn’t have done and then I got even more nervous and worked up from those mistakes. After playing my pieces the examiner gave me 5 minutes before moving on to scales, and it didn’t do anything to calm me. I got really shaky and I couldn’t think properly which meant everything else went wrong throughout the rest of the exam. I just couldn’t get myself to play properly because I felt so nervous and I kept dwelling on my mistakes. Basically I panicked. By the end of it I felt like crying. I was worried about forgetting my scales or not being able to tell what cadence it is- I did not prepare for the reality that nerves would be what fucked it all up.

Man, I feel so bad. This exam was so costly for my parents. And we had to travel so far to get there. And then I just messed it up. And I shouldn’t have because I practiced and I knew it. I should have done better. But I got nervous and I panicked. fml.

Afterwards I complained to my dad and made him buy me a mcflurry. We drive all the way home again and I had about five minutes to myself before I was out the house again. I ended up being stuck in the car again (and it was HOT gdi) going all the way to Manchester to take my sister to the station, and go grocery shopping afterwards. I only got home after 9:00pm and the majority of the day was spent stuck in the car, hot and tired and by the end feeling vaguely sick. 100 miles. I am so exhausted right now. Though I feel more sorry for my dad, who had to drive here there and everywhere.

Anyway. Lets end the post with optimism. I am actually pretty happy right now, the huge amount of chocolate I’ve eaten is probably to blame but life is pretty good right now. I no longer have to revise, and spend 40-60 minutes a day playing my violin. I turn 18 in 15 days which means I will finally be a legal adult (and catch up with my friends!). For my birthday I am going to Leeds and I shall go clubbing with my sister (My best friend was supposed to come too but she can’t ;__; ) who shall take me to all the good places. I will get at least tipsy for my birthday. I may end up totally wasted- and finally discovers what sort of drunk I am :D Still, I shall have alcohol. and it will be legal. And then I’M GOING TO JAPAN for 10 days. So yes. Although there is still that underlying worry and stress because don’t know how exams went, things are looking good right now.


My Dad went to Switzerland for a couple of days on business and of course he brought us back a little something. He brought back chocolate. Swiss Chocolate. Really, it is amazing.

Anyway, Thursday and Friday were the second to last and last days of school respectively. We were still on timetable but lessons were lazy and teachers weren’t as bothered with our behaviour.

On Thursday, the last lesson was physics and my teacher brought in chips and cake. Our class just sat and we were talking with our teacher for the entire time. My physics teacher is the one of the few of my teachers I actually like, there’s no nicer way to put it. She’s been my teacher for four years now. It’s weird that was my last lesson with her. sure there’s still the revision sessions, it’s not like the last time we’ll see each other. But it was the last lesson.

As a class we talked about a variety of things, ending with everyone saying where they were going and what they were doing. Some people are really doing some interesting things. One guy is taking a year out before going to university. He is going to save money for a time, then go abroad. Another of my friends is going into the merchant navy. It’s rather unique, different. But it’s not like I want to do something like that. I myself am satisfied with what I’m doing. I’d just like to get into university, that is all. The university I am hoping to get into is in Scotland though. It’s so far away! Also, one the guys remarked that my accent is going to develop another weird sound to it which may be true. As it is my accent isn’t South African (;_;), but it isn’t British. I just talk really weirdly. I hope it doesn’t change again and become even stranger.

So then Friday, the last day. We had lessons but we didn’t do anything. It was even lazier than Thursday. Did have double chemistry in the morning of all things. The first lesson was revision, with cake I couldn’t eat because I felt too ill (annoying!) and revision was actually playing chemistry hang man. XD The second lesson was a free and I went home and read, third lesson just sat around and talked. At lunch a lot of my friends were going to the local pub for a drink (disclaimer: not to get drunk…). I didn’t want to go and thankfully a couple of my friends also didn’t so we walked with everyone to the center of the village and went off to the shops before coming back to school and sat there, just talking.

Did a lot of talking both days. Everyone was in really good moods and chatty, for the most part.

4th lesson most people had a free period and my teacher wasn’t in so me and my friends lazed about on the field in the sun. Two of them had these water pistol things which made things oh so fun. /sarcasm And my friends had their cameras and were taking lots of pictures. I allowed myself to be in a couple of pictures, though I still hate it. Always feel so awkward. Like what do I do with my hands? How do I smile? I cannot smile on impulse. When people walk past me and smile at me I always end up either pulling weird- probably extremely creepy half smiles, half I don’t know what I’m doing with my face- faces at them, and/or glaring at them.

I was also pretty socially awkward for both days as I’m not feeling well. So while everyone else was all hyped up and happy, I just vaguely felt like curling up and falling asleep. I felt so mean because I wanted to be as happy as them, and I tried, but it was so much effort.

The last lesson yesterday everyone was off timetable and we gathered in the big drama studio for our last assembly together. It involved speeches by our head of year, bad dancing by a group of the boys- including dancing to S CLUB 7 (remember them? :P)– and games. It was OK, amusing in parts though I had a headache by the end as it was so loud. And I mean I don’t even know half of the people in my year! Though at the end of the day I know of them. If that makes any sense. There is a certain familiarity, and it’s strange to think that next year I’m not going to be part of that year group, I’m going to be surrounded by totally different people. Absolute and utter strangers.

There’s something safe about the way everything is now. Sometimes it’s maddening, the whole routine, how nothing ever changes, being surrounded by people you often wonder what the hell you have in common with (are they really friends?). But it’s safe, comfortable at the same time. ‘The comfort zone.’ But that’s over. Either next year if I get the grades I’ll be off in university, different place, new degree, surrounded by strangers or I’ll have to repeat a year and have to familiarise myself with the lower year group, who are also pretty much strangers which will be slightly more in the comfort zone, but still a little out. Everything’s changed. Last day of school is over. Seven long long long years been at that school, and it’s all coming to end.

It’s strange how quick everything is going. Time is passing really quickly, no matter how slowly it feels like it should be going.


Today I had my Italian listening test. It was kind of weird. I’ve never done an language at GCSE or A level so I didn’t know what to expect. It seems to do a listening test you get a laptop with headphones, and the CD with the test plays through the laptop whilst you still answer in a paper booklet. It was quite interesting. But typically mine was the CD that didn’t play, resulting in an awkward 5 minutes at the beginning waiting for someone to come fix it. Once the test finally began it was OK. Everything worked. The actual act of answering the questions was not amazing and I’m not expecting much from my results.

To be honest I didn’t really care.

I felt terrible this morning. Actually I’ve been feeling terrible since Friday. My anemia was showing signs of improvement, but by Friday I was dizzy, nauseous, had a headache, tired. The whole works. By about midnight Friday I could barely focus I was so dizzy and I honestly thought I was going to start throwing up. Did not feel nice at all. It didn’t improve of the weekend and when I woke up today it was much the same. I dragged myself in for the exam and just did whatever, not even caring (strangely I’d been worried about it over the weekend but when push came to shove I was feeling to crappy to actually care). I was so grateful when the exam was over. I called my mom and asked her if I could come home and she said yes. I did come home with plans to do some revision, spend the day usefully because I just felt a bit rubbish, I wasn’t dying or anything. I just couldn’t face being in school, all the noise and being around people.

However I ended up coming home, having some breakfast and then lying down on my sisters bed (it’s sunnier in her room :D)and pretty much not moving for almost 5 hours. I stared into space, read a lot and attempted to nap. I couldn’t really sleep because something kept waking me up ¬_¬ But lying down reading in the sun was so relaxing and for once my mind wasn’t in 10 places at once which was an amazing feeling.

(I’m also happy to say I finally finished two out of three books I’ve had ongoing! Lately I haven’t been able to concentrate so I rarely read. But I finished them! The magicians by Lev Grossman, which I love and is absolutely beautiful and I highly recommended it (seriously, read it!).And Grotesque by Natsuo kirino which may be one of the few books which squicked me slightly, and also had a really lame ending and was kind of just OK. Nothing amazing, but interesting in parts.)

After 4 and a half hours of reading and resting, unable to sleep, I just felt really bored. So I got up and went on the computer. Still did nothing productive and still lovely. Not to worry about anything, not to think of anything and just rest like that.

I don’t know why but it’s different than the weekend. On the weekend I always have to battle my conscience telling me I should be doing this and that, and it’s hard to relax. But taking a day off I don’t feel that guilt. There’s nothing I should be doing because I have made the decision myself not to do anything. Sort of like “I am ill and I am going to rest. Try and stop me” If that makes sense. I’ve done no work today, and I’ve not felt guilty for it. Well, I almost feel guilty but I won’t allow it. Today was my day off. To rest, read, sleep, and not worry about everything. I feel relaxed and happy now. I needed today.

Though must say, feel better emotionally but don’t feel much better physically. I can’t take any more time off though, and really being ill is so boring might as well go into school. ^^

P.S: New Layout! Yes, it is bright green. : )

This is such a beautful song. I find the DBSK version nice, but Jaejoong’s version is so much more meloncholy, so much more tender. I’ve been listening to a lot of DBSK ballads tonight, because it’s soothing and I’m trying desperatly to calm myself, distract myself, stop worrying and getting worked up over nothing.

I’m tired. It’s not the tiredness that comes about from lack of sleep, or doing too much. It’s more the mental exhaustion that drains you of energy to do anything. It’s the build up of little annoyances, too many worries, too much anger, too much emotion in general. I’m sick of this week. It’s funny too how active the mind becomes when the body just wants to stop. I can’t sleep, I know I am sleepy but my mind won’t turn off. I find myself thinking of the most ridiculous, inane things. Making random crap up, manipulating reality because I’m so bored, lying awake for too long.

School isn’t going well, and people annoy me too easily. I feel useless, annoyed and angry.

Good things would be the fact my dad bought me Ben and Jerry’s ice cream tonight for the first time ever, and it’s like heaven in a tub. The ultimate in binging food I would say and somehow I can see myself getting addicted (even though it’s ridiculously expensive to have often). Also my sister phoned and we talked about nothing for 30 minutes but still, it’s nice to hear from her. Other good things that it is at least Friday tomorrow and then it’s the weekend, and I can take a break and try and pick myself up, eat too much junk, do too little, sleep too much and hopefully feel better for it.

It’s OK, everything will work out. (I hope)