January 2016 – Honest Lies

“I dream on, in the border between reason and reality. I fly to you, in this reality that’s like a lie.”

I used a tea rinse on my hair tonight and it was messy but worth it. My hair has a beautiful shine to it. According to my mother my hair doesn’t look dirty, but it looks dull. I feel rather self-conscious about that now that I’m working, as I do every aspect of my appearance. I wouldn’t give up no shampoo though. I wouldn’t use shampoo again.

As I’ve talked about before, no shampoo has been a journey to new territory and it has really made me question my lifestyle and well, my relationship with the supermarket. Just how many of the things that are pushed on us are actually necessary? When I gave up shampoo I found myself skipping at least half an aisle in the supermarket, filled with must haves and should be usings. It makes one think.

I started to use reusable sanitary towels and liners and that was also game changing. I always wondered how mere cloth could absorb everything but as it turns out, a good cloth pad is better than any disposable. The good is the key part- a bad pad will be uncomfortable, not absorb as much and not come as clean. Once I found good brands I could rely on though? And got comfortable with the care of them? No going back. From there I started to notice what a big chunk of waste I was not producing, and I started to question just how much I was throwing into my black bin (I.e the one for the rubbish heap) I started sewing up reusable facial cotton rounds, and there was another chunk of stuff I wasn’t throwing away. I read some eco lifestyle blogs and felt excited at the possibilities but also aware that a lifestyle like that wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to start agonising over every little thing. I just wanted to do what I could and what I felt comfortable with.

Of course not all aspects of this journey have been successful and there is one aspect I have been struggling with: skincare. I really wanted to try using simpler, less synthesised products, preferably from UK based sellers. I have had great success with no shampoo, milk/oil based soaps, using plain oils as body care, sugar scrubs for exfoliating my legs before shaving. So I thought this would go well. And it hasn’t. I have found so many of the products I have tried- and there have been many- greasy in texture and yet my skin feels dry. Oil cleansers that won’t wash off, moisturisers that sit on the skin in a fatty layer, but never sink in. The only success I have had is in using rose water as a toner, and I have found a night cream I can tolerate. I feel like I’m using up too much money and messing around with my skin too much by this point, but I also feel unwilling to give up. Isn’t this supposed to be the better choice? I feel frustrated by it; I want it to work, to become another amazing, revealing step in my journey. Instead I find myself leaning towards the uncomfortable conclusion that maybe heavily synthesised products with lengthy, confusing ingredients may be better for me.

(I also hope I am using this right wording here. I refuse to say chemical free, because that’s nonsense, but even natural sounds wrong- there’s nothing unnatural about that in the drugstore, I can’t say that, so I’m going for the words simple to describe the skincare others may feel comfortable saying natural, and synthesised for the products you get in the chemists. Ok?)

Meanwhile, where to next? I am playing with crystal deodorant. I’ve been dying to give up my supermarket brand, but I thought the only other choice was that coconut oil/bicarb mix and I didn’t want bicarb anywhere near me. A bit silly – crystals seem a popular method that’s been around years. I bought a tiny travel sized one and am tentatively using it on the weekends.

I started to venture away from beauty and personal care. I tried to change up things in the kitchen and am now happily using reusable/washable dishwashing sponges and microfibre clothes for minor cleaning, but I find myself unable to bring myself to use clothes for heavy cleaning. I am using up my dish washing liquid and multi surface cleaner bought in the supermarket, and plan to replace them with a more eco friendly product from a small British company. I refuse to change anything in the bathroom- I will keep my bleach and won’t use reusable clothes to clean there. I still use the supermarket, even though I also buy things from the organic store.

In the end, I think it’s best to be doing something, no matter how small, than nothing. It’s about making the choices and changes you can afford and are comfortable with. It’s about awareness and a willingness to try (outside of the bathroom. I will be hypocritical in that way) and I guess, through my failure in that one aspect, because I think I’m giving up now, it’s about accepting your limitations and being able to say this isn’t working and give up or compromise (I’ll keep my night cream and rose water, but switch my day cream and makeup remover) I think. To be honest, on this journey, I am constantly changing my mind, becoming uncertain, questioning exactly what is it do I want? To focus on beauty and personal care, purely to see if it’s better for me, or also for environmental reasons? And do I want to take it further, to venture outside those subjects? Is this something I’m really interested in, or am I just letting myself getting dragged in because it feels I ought to – if I’m already giving up shampoo and using reusable pads surely it’s not right just to do so just for me, should I not be thinking of the greater consequences and issues surrounding these things? It’s all quite overwhelming really.

If there is just one certainty though- it’s that it doesn’t stop being interesting to question.

Post Title: Im Taekyung - Bird Ballad

“I haven’t even the strength to be happy, she wants to say. I can hardly even manage to be unhappy. Standing on my own two feet is my biggest project.”

I looked out the window last night and the whole world had turned white. I couldn’t help but feel excited: snow isn’t that common in the UK, at least the part I come from. I pulled my thick winter coat on over my pyjamas – a t-shirt and shorts – and pushed my feet into the nearest shoes. I must have looked a sight as I opened my door and ventured outside. I wanted some pictures though, before the snow got trampled and driven over and turned into grey sludge and ice. So there I was, inappropriately dressed, venturing out with my camera to take as many pictures as possible. I was amazed – there really is nothing like fresh snow. I was a little nervous, too, as I had a driving lesson today. Thankfully my driving lesson was OK as the roads were cleared although I was hopelessly distracted by the views as we ventured into the borders between city and countryside – the fields were white and the trees laden with snow. I wanted so badly to capture it, to send the pictures to my family, text body “SNOW!!”, childish and over excited.

So after my driving lesson I pulled on my walking boots, grabbed my camera and notably, absurdly, did not wear my scarf or gloves but settled for just a coat, a very warm coat, but nonetheless. I left the flat and started to walk, with the intention that as soon as I saw some fields I would take some pictures and go back. But it was so beautiful, and the air so crisp, and I felt so relaxed and was enjoying myself so much that I just kept going. Music playing softly on my Mp3 player, camera to hand, I just kept on walking along the main road, heading towards the country. I passed endless white fields, one with some curious horses, who sensed me even though I was a full field away from them, and stared at me and stared at me. I passed a field of sheep and a full murder of crows. (At least, I think they were crows.) Most fields were white and empty. I eventually stumbled upon a Nature Reserve I had no idea existed and therein lay a perfect winter wonderland – a forest, all the trees laden with snow and finally, a frozen over lake. It was a little thrilling, entering this place I did not know, not knowing what lay within, then walking and walking, just following the other people and their dogs with no idea where I was really going or where I was.

I turned off my music so I could listen to the birds sing.

Finally, I got a bit lost, then found my way and managed to get home OK. I had spent a few hours out, and my face and hands were numb from the cold, but it was worth it.

I also got to play some more with my new camera. That was actually one of the reasons I was so keen to get out there – I badly wanted to see what my camera could do.

The camera is my first big purchase with my salary. I was terrified buying it – so unused to spending so much at one go that I was convinced my bank card would fail. When it all went through I was quite relieved and very excited. The first time I used it was at the welsh zoo, and it took beautiful pictures, and the 18x zoom was something I had never had before and found totally amazing. Today I am even more surprised by my pictures. Look, I know a camera can only do so much to cover bad photography skills, but I think this one is particularly forgiving. My photos are so HD and sharply focused, the zoom so handy and so steady, and it coped so well with the snow. Last night it also managed to take photos in the pitch black – which is also something new to me. I am really quite pleased with it, and so glad that I made my big purchase this, instead of the fashion item I wanted to buy. At first I was disappointed at how sensible I was being, I wanted to make just one big, reckless purchase. But its better this way – it was a reckless purchase, as it may not have been the right time with all my current outgoings, and I am going to get a lot of use out of this camera. More use than any fashion item. And I am already enjoying using it so much.

Post Title: The Black Path - Åsa Larsson

A day at the Welsh Mountain Zoo

Snow Leopard Female Sumatran Tiger Fallow Deer Przewalski's Wild Horse Snow Leopards Snow Leopard fur Snow Kitty Snow Kitty about to climb a tree Snow kitty climbing a tree Snow Kitty in a tree Red Panda Red Panda Cubs Margay Meercat Birds View of the nearby village and sea

The boxing day before last my sister, my father and I went to the welsh mountain zoo – primarily to see the snow leopards. A few months prior to that my sister had been to see the two new snow leopard cubs, and she wanted to see how they were getting on. My sister loves animals, and of them, cats are her favourite. She didn’t want to leave the zoo that time, because she was enjoying watching the snow leopard cubs so much! During that visit we saw that the zoo was raising money to refurbish the snow leopard enclosure, and I made a mental note of that.

Fast forward: last year, Christmas. I thought to adopt one of the leopards for my sister, as a donation and fabulous present. I was poking around the website though and discovered the animal encounters. For a small fee, you can meet the zoo keeper and get a little closer to an animal of your choice and feed them. For the snow leopards there would be a safety barrier of course- this wasn’t like the tiger centre my sister and I went to in Changmai, where the tigers were as tame and playful as domestic kitties (and the one we went to they were not drugged. We absolutely do not support that!) We were able to meet them and touch them and they loved…well tolerated, cats are cats are offish, it. These snow kitties were a little wilder. I still thought my sister would love it.

Fast forward further: this year, the 2nd of January. The encounter ticket allowed a third person to come but not take part. So my dad came alone to act as taxi driver and photographer. We were worried about the weather, but it was still and calm as we drove and we didn’t know it then, but it was going to remain that way- with an icy edge to the air that the snow leopards would love. We got to the zoo around 1pm and went to see the tigers first, then the paddocks with a a very out of place ostrich pair and some beautiful Przewalski’s wild horses and deer. The horses were very shy and the deer were very curious – the one deer had lost sight in its one eye though, the poor thing, so it was struggling to be curious: it was trying to look at me but you could tell it couldn’t focus. We then ended up getting a little lost and not seeing too much and having to rush to get to the office to meet the zoo keeper. Thankfully the zoo keeper was a little late, so there were no problems. He led us to the snow leopard enclosure and took us to a small part round the back, where there was just one fence separating us from the cats. He set down a bucket of meat, my sister and I put on gloves, and then we took turns feeding the kitties using very long, very strong metal prongs whilst chatting to the zoo keeper. Our dad was let round the back, but had to stand back and was not allowed to feed them. This made photographing easy for him.

The kitties were adorable. It was just the parents and the boy cub left- who wasn’t much of a cub any more! He was pretty huge. We found out from the zoo keeper that the leopards reject their children at about two years old, so they try to send them away before that. The sister/girl had been sent down south, and the brother/boy was 18 months old, and ready to go, but was being sent to Japan which would take a bit more time and paperwork! Of the three only the boy ate, he ate it all! The parents could have chased him off but they couldn’t be bothered.

Soon enough the food dwindled and disappeared. My sister and I de-gloved and sanitised our hands then we were allowed to stand for a moment to observe and talk more with the keeper. He has been with the snow leopards from the start, so he knew everything. It was really interesting. The snow kitties themselves were fairly active- washing and lazying and playing around. My sister took pics but I trusted in my dad, I just wanted to enjoy the moment …be more present…not see it from behind the lens?

Eventually it had to end, we parted with the cats and their keeper and then went to look around the zoo some more- I was pretty keen to see the red pandas! Unfortunatly one was curled up in its tree and completly passed out, but the other climbed down just as we got there, and led us straight to the two red panda cubs they have. They were tucked up in the private area of their enclosure, but we could just about see them from afar. At two months old, they seemed full grown! Then we meandered around some more, and eventually ended up at the Margay enclosure where we had our second lucky encounter of the day – the Margay was out! It was darting around so fast we only just saw it, and could hardly photograph it, but its a very shy, nocturnal creature so it was pretty exciting to get even a glimpse! I think I saw a similar cat at a night zoo in Asia, but it was something else to have it come out in the day.

Honestly, it was an amazing day out. There weren’t any crowds and all the animals were about, even the kitties and we even caught site of the brown bears… The zoo is lovely and small and always quiet in the winter, which makes for a very pleasant day out. I’m so happy with how thrilled my sister was with it all too. This Christmas was the first that I was working so I went all out with my presents, and I feel so happy to finally be able to give back to my family not only the wonderful things they have blessed me with, but the wonderful experiences.

Kitty may have eaten too much…

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