exams – Page 5 – Honest Lies

And now I wish everything would return to the way its supposed to be.

Warning: a very long entry about exams. I talk about C programming and Communications engineering and I whine a lot and generally feel very sorry for myself. You may want to skip this one.

So I had my Computer Engineering exam on Wednesday aka C Programming. The exam was held in a reasonably small computer room so we were split off into two groups- one took the exam in the morning and the other…later in the morning. I was in group 2 so I arrived there at 10.45am alongside everyone else and then we were stuck sitting inside a lecture room for 30+ minutes waiting for the exam to be setup, and for the other group to leave, as we couldn’t come into contact with the other group. It was terribly boring. I couldn’t even browse the net on my phone as we had to switch them off and put them in our bags. Then the actual exam, which was horrible. The past three exam papers have been pretty much identical- but this one? Almost totally different. I had memorized the most beautiful solution for opening and reading a file, then returning statistics about it because it had been on every exam paper for years, and this year they did’t have it. I wanted to cry. My solution was beautiful OK, and I had worked so hard to memorize it in just a matter of days. (Is it bad to call coding beautiful? Like, that’s not too geeky is it?) And for the past few years they instruct us to write a program which lets users type, and then counts the number of key presses and the percentage of vowels/numbers pressed. But for this paper they decided to change it and make it more difficult and honestly I didn’t understand. So I just wrote the program that did the former and left out the complicated bits XD Thankfully they had the question where we prompt the user to enter resistor values and calculates the series and parallel arrangement resistances, which I can totally do. My best friend taught me functions by walking me through that code, and it was the first time I thought “Maybe I could do this programming thing”. A hope quickly dashed by certain other questions, like the second part of the exam papers. The questions are longer and unpredictable and ugh. The last question had to be the worse. Through a series of if statements and while/for loops I managed to make it work…to an extent… and my coding was messy and just ugh. I am so bad with C Programming.

I got home from that exam and just fucked around wasting time for hours, until it was late and I really needed to cram for my communications exam today but it was a very half asked attempt. I got up early this morning to cram as well, but again it was a lazy effort. I truly needn’t have bothered with even that much. Communications engineering is a subject I hate because I am terrible at it. In theory it seems quite understandable, in practice it’s like WHAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING. WHAT DOES THIS GRAPH EVEN MEAN :| The past 3 exams papers have been near identical so I decided just to memorize methods and focus on understanding it at a later time. Typically again, just like in C programming, the exam had bits thrown in there that had never been on any exam before. I wanted to cry. I couldn’t answer questions, and I made a royal mess of an entire section of the exam worth 25 marks. 25% of the entire paper. I dropped so many marks. They also didn’t have the two questions I really wanted and understood and was good at. 3 years in a row they have asked about line balancing, and this year the didn’t! ¬__¬ I am hopeful that I may scrape a pass, but probably I’ll fail. It was depressing, though I guess I had that one coming with my terrible approach to the exam.

I came home and lost myself in fanfic and now its late and I still haven’t revised for my exam on Saturday. I also have a Japanese assessment on Monday that I am unprepared for which is also…bothering me. I feel like I am wasting such a good opportunity, and a lot of money. Finally I have the opportunity to learn the language I love most, but now I don’t have the time. Well, that’s a lie. I have the time, I just cannot memorize a language on top of everything I need to know for my exams. My memory is just not that good. I am just not that clever, nor that motivated.

I’m losing confidence here. All my exams have been terrible and I just, can’t be bothered anymore. Next is circuits and fields and I like it, and I’ve worked so hard to understand it…and my poor father has sat with me for hours teaching it to me but I just cannot memorize it and I can’t do it without my notes and I can’t do it quickly so I’m terrified.

And I’ve reached the point where i am so scared of failing, of these papers also being as horrible as the past three, that I don’t even want to try. I don’t want to do this anymore. Because I said I was content to scrape a pass and I am but that doesn’t stop me wanting more. That doesn’t stop the fear that I won’t even reach that- and then what? I am naturally anxious all the time, always worrying about this and that, and exams just make it so much worse. It hurts. And its driving me crazy.

(And it, all this, makes me doubt myself. Why am I doing engineering? I feel like I am not clever enough for this, not motivated enough, not dedicated enough. I wonder what it is about this subject that I couldn’t let go of it the first time round, that I worked so hard for it. Despite how useless it makes me feel I want so badly to be an engineer. But it does, it makes me feel terrible about myself. I guess that’s what happens when you do a degree? It’s not like anything is easy. My sister, she loved chemistry, until she did a degree, and then she hated it, and then she graduated and got a job and now she loves it again. She always said she’d never work in an office, but she is and she is so happy. Will that happen for me? But I cannot imagine so far ahead.)

Sorry for the past few whiny entries. Hopefully by the time exams are over I can get myself into a better place, well, if Semester two and starting electrical engineering and real time systems doesn’t also make me miserable XD

Listening To: MC Sniper- BK Love
mood: stressed

Greed

I am back in halls. My dad drove my down on Sunday. I attempted to pack less stuff, but I think I only succeeded in packing all of it better. The car was still very full. :/ We arrived in the late afternoon and then I had to unpack everything and make my room livable again whilst my dad set up my computer for me. The afternoon passed by quickly and it was soon, too soon, that my dad had to leave. It was kind of sad saying good bye to my dad, realizing I was all alone here again. I didn’t have time to dwell though, as I had revision to do for my exam on Monday. I alternated between revising and organizing/unpacking and ended up going to bed pretty late. I woke up early on Monday, exhausted, stressed, nervous, and spent the morning revising, slowly becoming more and more nervous as it sank in that today was when my exams started.

I walked down to the sports center later for my exam and there were just people everywhere. I have never been to such a large exam in my life. We had to queue in order to enter the exam hall, shuffling along slowly, waiting for our turn to go find our seats. The hall was huge, separated into two halves, then different blocks, and it was more than a little confusing and overwhelming. I found out what my block and seat number were, but the seats weren’t numbered and so I had to ask two separate moderators, the second one thankfully showed me to my seat. I am not sure how i was supposed to find it otherwise. The exam began quickly. there may have been instructions, but I did not hear them. The place was too large, and there were too many people. I was still struggling to fill my cover sheet in (I did not manage to fill my cover sheet in until after the exam, where i was so rushed I filled it out all wrong most likely). I had gotten to the exam on time but I had been one of the last to enter due to the fact i was at the end of the queue. It was a bad, rushed, confusing start to a terrible exam. The exam paper was horrendous. Completely sneaky, and I am sure I made several little mistakes that fucked everything up. As the exam went on I became filled with a sense of hopelessness, and disappointment. This was maths. I had actually worked for this exam, maybe prioritizing it over other subjects. And still I couldn’t do it. I came out the exam more than a little unhappy, and ate half a chocolate reindeer that my sister had bought me on Saturday. (It now sits headless on my desk, although by today half its body is gone too). I then forced myself to revise some more, for my exam on Thursday and for programming today.

Well, I thought it was today.

I got up early, still feeling exhausted and ill and totally not used to this kind of routine, so I could go through the past papers one last time for the exam, which only started at 10.45am. I left a little late and had to rush to get there only to find there was no one there. I began to panic as time ticked by and no one was there. I eventually managed to find someone to ask and he looked at me strangely and told me “there are no exams being held today. there is one tomorrow, and on Thursday” and my panic turned to embarrassment. Well, that was obvious. Of course there was no one there when there was no exam. I honestly wished the ground would swallow me whole. I rushed out the building, sat down on a nearby bench and texted my best friend, just for someone to tell it to, just so someone could tell me its OK, it happens. I felt ridiculous and frustrated with myself. I then went to buy a smoothie and found a computer so I could sit down and check my exam timetable, and indeed, it is there in bold letters- 18th of January. I even checked that timetable this very morning. Isn’t it funny how we convince ourselves of things? I was so convinced it was today that I just brushed past the date of the exam, focusing on the seat number and other things. I realized as I walking slowly back to halls, and later my friend also reminded me- that it could have been worse. I could have thought it was Wednesday when it was Tuesday. It could have been like last year- when i realized at 1am on the day of the exam that I had an exam that very day. At least this time I thought it was a day before, not a day after. Oh, but I am so bad with remembering my exams. It makes me feel pathetic and i get frustrated with myself. I am nearly 20 and I can’t even manage myself you know?

But I forced myself to stay positive and let today became what Wednesday would have been- i came back to my room , gathered my things and went to Tesco. Then I came back and well I should have revised but instead I watched Boku to Star no 99 Nichi and then fucked around on the internet and now its 7:00pm and I still haven’t done any revision. It’s somewhat worrying. I find myself losing motivation, becoming tired. I admit I kind of wished my exam was today. I had prepared myself for it being today and it kind of threw me out that it wasn’t. Like, I wasn’t prepared for the exam, but I was ready just to get it over and done with. Now everything is out of sync, and all my plans have been messed up. I even skipped my Japanese lesson on Monday so I could cram for the exam I thought I had today. I feel like such a idiot, really.I hope tomorrow things go well- that i get to my exam on time, and that the paper is nice and that i can do it. I’m really stressed and nervous right now. My face is all broken out, and I’ve lost my appetite in favour of snacking on junk and I can’t fall asleep at night and I’m tired as anything and I’ve still got four more exams to go. I hate exams :(

Listening To: Kiyoharu - 孤独を愛せる人
mood: stressed

Joy & Pain

It’s less than one week until my first exam. Just four and a bit days to go. Scared doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. It’s always on my mind, I’m always counting down the days. A lot rests on these last two exams. I’ve worked so hard this year. Well fine, I admit most of the time I worked hard and some times I decided I’d much rather watch and episode of Galileo or BOSS but I’m only human OK? I did my best, and I did better than I have ever done before. So far my grades are good and what I need, I think. Currently I’m waiting on the results for a few course-works which is terribly frustrating as I need to know. I need to know where I’m at. I need to know what I need to get on these exams and I cannot until I know what my marks are already in my units. In short: ARGHH. Also I seem to have reached that point in revision where it freaks me out how much I just don’t get it and thus I find it very difficult to revise. It takes extreme motivation and willpower, and I’m not really a very motivated person to begin with. The more things matter the less I can bring myself to care and the more I put it off. It’s super bad but I’d rather avoid a problem until it cannot be ignored than tackle it from the beginning. (And if I can avoid it until it just goes away then all the better) I’ve almost gotten through all the tutorials, just need to do past papers and go over that which I’m still shaky on (which is a depressing amount T__T). In short: ARGHHHHH.

I’m really desperately hoping to get into first year engineering next year. Sure it scares me thinking about having to move out of home, having to make new friends, having to actually join societies and go out and do things with my life. But it scares me more not having that. I want that experience whether it will be good or bad. Being stuck at the same place I am now will do nothing for me in the long run. I realise this may not make sense but I’m scared of being too clear, of bringing myself bad luck by spelling out my exact goal and talking about how much I want it. (I wish I didn’t get my hopes up about things but I can’t seem to stop myself…)

I really just want things to be certain but nothing is certain and I’m nervous for/of the future.

(In short: this entire blog post could be summarised as “ARRRGHHHHHH D: D: D:”)

Listening To: DJ DOC- Joy & Pain
mood: worried

“Dont hesitate, take your first step forward”

What do you know, it’s already the 9th of January of 2011.

Nothing feels different you know.

I had my first and only exam on the 6th of January. It crept up on me a little too quickly. It was somewhat strange waking up at 6am again and trudging through the dark, quiet streets at 7am to get to the train station, sitting on the train again, being in Liverpool again. Then there was the exam. The good? Was the atmosphere. University exams are different from A levels. At A levels you’d have to put your bag in a different room, hand in your phone, find where you’re sitting. Then when you’re finally sitting down you’d end up sitting there for a good 10/20 minutes as the papers are handed out and then listening to the examiners as they went through all the rules and what you had to do, as well as listen to the rules of all the other exams. Meanwhile you’re just sitting there getting more and more nervous wanting the exam to just start already. They don’t baby you like that at University. The papers are put out before hand. You go in, put your bag down at the front, turn your phone off (and you can keep it on you) and you sit wherever you want. You fill out a little form with your details, put your student ID on the desk, fill out the front of the paper. Once everyone is there and settled the exam just starts. Its much more efficient and involved a lot less waiting around getting nervous (the only wait was before the exam cos I got there at 9am when the exam started at 9:30am). The exam itself wasn’t great; the questions were strange. And I got really bored about half way through cos I was already 97% finished which left me with an hour to check, recheck, stare round at other people, recheck, stare at the law posters on the walls, recheck, watch my lecturers as they paced through the rows and passed by me, recheck. It was awfully dull, and I was exhausted due to the fact I couldn’t sleep the night before and I had to wake up so early, leaving me surviving on two hours of sleep and some cereal.

In short I probably did badly but I was too tired to really care.

Afterwards I went shopping, wanting to get some bargains in the jan sales. It started out fun and got terribly boring. I don’t find shopping fun. Sure, I love that feeling when you find that perfect item for the perfect price but its such a chore to find it. I hate searching for items, finding something but its not the right price or the right size or it looks really terrible. Not to mention I was jeans shopping which meant lugging 10 pairs of jeans (really just 3 different styles in a variety of colors) into the changing rooms, cutting it down to 3 for further consideration, gathering all my stuff and going out the changing room, getting more styles and colors and sizes, rinse and repeat. It was annoying and tedious. After two hours I ended up with one pair of jeans and a top. Not successful as I would have liked but not bad.

The past few days have been spent trying to ignore the fact that I go back to university on Monday and that I have two pieces of coursework in for Friday I have yet to complete.

I’m not really looking forward to starting university again tomorrow.

Listening To: KRA - artman
mood: bored

and so.

As you may or may not know, August 19th was A level results day in the UK and also the day we (students in general) found out whether we got into university. 170 000 students were predicted not to get in, and yeah I was nervous about it all as I knew my grades weren’t the best already and I’d found the exams difficult. I could easily, too easily, see myself as one of the unlucky 170 000.

I dragged myself out of bed yesterday at about 9:00am and got ready like usual. It was only about 10:00am that I decided fuck it, just look already and turned on my computer and opened UCAS. My conditional choice had rejected me, but my first choice had not. There was hope, but not much. I kept refreshing but my first choice were clearly intent on leaving it as late as possible so I decided to go ahead and get myself to school to pick up my results. On the way there bumped into some of my friends, who had all gotten in of course. I acted like I hadn’t gotten replies from anywhere yet and congratulated them, brushing over my situation (I’m good at that, I’ve been doing it for a while now when they get SUPER AMAZING grades and I only get like U’s!) I got more nervous. Picked up my results and clung to them until I was well away from the school. The walk to and from school is pretty deserted so I opened them up as I was walking. My results weren’t amazing but fuck, I IMPROVED SO MUCH. My hard work had sort of paid off ;___; The subject I worked hardest at was maths and sure I mainly got D’s, but I got a B in my one AS Level exams! I was so happy with my results. Even as it sank in that I most likely wasn’t going to get into university I was actually happy, as weird as that sounds (as weird as it felt at the time). I phoned my sister and chatted to her, bought some ice cream from the shops and headed home. Checked UCAS and still no word from my first choice. I waited it out, and as every hour dragged by I knew it wasn’t happening but I wanted to wait until they replied before thinking about what came next. They finally rejected me at around 3:00pm (and hey, I should be grateful as apparently some uni’s won’t be telling prospective students until today or tomorrow whether they got in making their chances of going through clearing slim)

I think that maybe there was a part of me that was expecting such an outcome, so it didn’t hurt like it should of (perhaps). I didn’t shed a tear. (To be honest maybe I was still high from the fact I got a B in one of my maths exams XD )

I let it sink in that I would have to go back to school. I thought about what I would retake, and realised I’d have to do either RE or Chemistry which I hate. I still felt happy about my marks, but bummed at the thought of going back to school. So I decided to poke around clearing and see what was available. After some poking around I found an engineering foundation course. I decided to see if there was a university closer to me that did such a course. There was.

And thus A PLAN WAS BORN. I would not go back to school but I would not go onto studying for a degree. I want to study electrical and electronic engineering, and I decided I would spend this year doing an engineering foundation course. After that I can carry on at the uni I did the course at, or possibly transfer to another university! A university I wanted to go to this year! And I didn’t have to go back to school!

It seemed like a great plan and so I found a new determination. I was going to get into university no matter what. I was fucking determined. And so I googled what the fuck I was actually supposed to do when in clearing and what I read didn’t make much sense, but I did come to realise that I was very much on my own. I had to phone up universities myself and ask them to let me in. D: Started to feel stressed, and worried, and nervous. I looked through clearing at every uni and college reasonably near by to see if they did a foundation course. My first option (option A) was the first I called. By this point I was stressed and confused and scared. I was actually kind of shaking as I held the phone to my ear, having no idea what the hell was going to happen once someone answered. It wasn’t that scary, but my heart was pounding in my chest and I was still feeling shaky. They took my details and said they’d get back to me later. I continued to research and found option B. By this point my dad was home and I could discuss things with him before phoning up B. I was shocked that my dad was not angry or disappointed. He was supportive and a little proud and interested, and helpful and really nice. The only point of the day when I felt like crying was when my dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me something along the lines of “shame it’s been a tough on you with your depression and now all this”. I felt so loved but I was so shocked at how nice he was being, how nice he had been to me since he had gotten home, that I honestly wanted to cry. I was really expecting him to be angry and disappointed you know?

Anyway. Phoned up B and they were much better, they took my details and then offered me a place straight up! I HAD AN OFFER. I discussed it some more with my dad, thought about it, waited for A to phone me, phoned A and didn’t get through, phoned A again got through and was told they’d do their best to speed it up and they’d phone later. And eventually decided B was the right course for me and so added it as a choice. Oh yeah there was option C but every time I tried phoning I couldn’t get through and I eventually gave up, especially with an offer in my hand.

And so I got up early this morning to check UCAS and see if they’d replied and given me my offer formally instead of verbally. Nope. I was just…tired. I had barely slept the night before because I was so worked up and absolutely petrified about what was going to happen, and still nothing was certain. I was exhausted from the stress of it all. Phoned them at 9:00am exactly (which is when the phone lines open!) and asked them WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON (but obviously more polite) and was told they are still processing my application and would call me when it’s gone through. OK, that’s fine. A also phoned my back (as I was on the toilet ;__;) and offered me a place there, so I had a back up option too. I was still a little stressed out but I sat back and relaxed, watched some Junjou Romantica, listened to music etc. Around 2:00pm I decided to bake a cake too, which came out very nice, but the whole process of making it didn’t relax me as much as I hoped. I was still desperately waiting for B to call and of course my dad and my sister kept phoning to ask about what was happening, making me all excited each time thinking IT’S THE UNIVERSITY when it’s really…my dad or my sister. My sister has been cute during this whole process though. Very supportive of me ♥

It’s still not gone through even now. All I got is “Your application has been sent for consideration”. RAWR. I know there are 169999 others like me, but obviously I’m impatient. I think I’m guaranteed a place, but it would be nice to see it on UCAS itself you know? And really THIS IS SO STRESSFUL. I think things have worked out for the best in their own special way, things do happen for a reason…even the things we don’t generally like. And yeah so what all my friends are going off to university and doing degrees. Fuck them. I’ll grow at my own pace. I’ll continue to work hard at improving my motivation and try my best at this course. I’ll get where I want to, even if I have to take longer than everyone else.

I am glad I chose this. I know and I think I’ve always known I’m a bit behind my friends and I need an extra year doing something, but I did not want to go back to school at all. I think just having the new environment will be better than school you know? Rather than being stuck at school, where I’d have to do subjects I’ve long gotten sick of, and put up with teachers I hate and I can imagine I would be even more lonely and bored with all my friends at uni, it seems better that I go to university to get more education and a better, more specialised education before going on to my degree. My grades are improving, slowly but steadily, and I think this will be good to motivate me to improve them even more.

Oh but I’m staying at home and commuting to Liverpool from home. I will have to get up really early, and possibly get a train at 6:30am every day. Good training for the future- I guess? D:

Tomorrow I’m going to Liverpool tomorrow so I’ll get to experience ~the commute~ as well as see the uni. How rushed is this all? haha.

But everything’s OK, I think. It’s all working out, in its own special way.

(I will continue to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.)

(And I’m sorry if this post makes no sense to those unfamiliar with the British Education system…)

Listening To: JUNJOU ROMANTICA OST - ONE SIDED
mood: stressed

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