university – Page 11

Some random thoughts:

1. University is still very slow. I don’t want to complain, as I really don’t want labs to start up or for classes to become more intense, but I can feel myself becoming much too lazy. As in, its becoming natural to be lazy, which it should not. Today I had my first class at 3pm and I was late- because i OVERSLEPT. :| I have also not been studying at all, which is terrible.

2. I finished God’s Quiz Season 3 today. I started season 1 towards the end of last week. Talk about an addictive drama. The 3 seasons came together so well, although all three could stand alone. Ryo Duk Hwan is amazing as the eccentric genius Dr Han. The show is flashy but in a highly enjoyable way- its easy to get caught up in the crazy rare diseases and crimes that (sometimes) suspend disbelief. Best of all is the ongoing thread of Dr Han’s mysterious disease. Crazy scientists and their mad schemes are definitely not the most believable of plots but they sure are fun. In season 1 and 2 Ahn Yong Joon was incredible as the deranged genius Ha Yoon and although the mad scientist of Season 3 wasn’t as interesting, the twist of what was happening to Dr Han because of his disease was fascinating and really creepy. I loved how the last episode just turned everything on its head. Was not expecting it AT ALL. The ending was awful though. HOW COULD THEY LEAVE IT THERE. There better be a fourth season coming soon.

3. Whilst on the subject off dramas can I also recommend The Thousandth Man? Its not perfect, but its a lovely attempt at doing something new with the gumiho legend. I just finished re-watching episode 3 which was just so touching. I struggle to articulate my thoughts on this drama so let me link to this wonderful review. (skip to the end of the post for the review.)

4. I was surprised, and pleased, to find the God’s Quiz OST on amazon for a little over £1 for one song and its instrumental. Sadly their mp3 store is difficult to navigate and I cannot seem to stumble over any other kpop that I would want to purchase. Still, its nice to know its probably there for a decent price, and without having to wait for anything to ship to me. (And yes I know, for someone my age I am very out of touch with modern ways of getting music. I still exist in the CD age D:)

5. I’ve been eating too much chocolate and junk food lately and generally wasting to much money on food. Food is very cheap in Malaysia, which was great when I first got here, although I was soon made to realize how much of a double edged sword that is. When my cravings for junk food got very bad in the UK I could usually refrain myself because of the price. Now, the food is cheap and 7-Eleven is right there in the center of campus where I pass everyday and … I need to fix this asap. I have a feeling I’ve posted this before, too, which is embarrassing if true. I really am not good at sticking to personal goals.

6. Also embarrassing: I cannot use chopsticks. Yes, I know even 3 year olds can use them these days but no matter how much I have tried in the past I could never get the hang of it. I am going to Japan in June though which has inspired me to properly try and learn. I bought some cheap chopsticks at TESCO and have been trying to eat my food with them, but it gets so frustrating when I am hungry and I cannot pick up my food that I always end up back to using a fork. Somehow, I don’t think I am going to end up a master of these things by June. :/

Listening To: HLIN - secret

Untitled

This first week at university was very quiet. Maths, like always, started with no introduction. Yet all other modules were introduction lectures. Half of my telecommunications lecture on Thursday was the lecturer explaining what she thinks makes a good engineer. My electronic engineering lecture on Friday was mostly revision, with the lecturer trying to get us to remember our basic electronic engineering stuff from last year… thankfully in that instance I was not the only one struggling to remember this stuff. Labs have yet to start either, thankfully. Then it was Chinese New Years on Monday which means I had a glorious four day weekend- today is a Tuesday and I woke up at 3pm and spent most of the day reading. I had great plans for these four days involving waking up early and getting things done- my messy room would be cleaned, the mountains of clothes piled on my chair would be sorted and what needs to be washed, washed, and the rest put away, Japanese would be learnt, electronic engineering would be revised, math tutorials would be complete. Typically, I went into these four days with far too high expectations of myself. The other days went much like the others- sleeping late and lazying around. Tomorrow, I have class at 9am and a) have not done all the preparation work and b) have no idea how I am going to get up and not just, you know, sleep through it.

I am feeling very relaxed and slightly less miserable as the last few posts as I got my results on Saturday. Well actually, results came through on Friday but it took me one day, a tearful and deeply personal conversation with my mother and an entire extra large bar of cadburys chocolate before I could check them. When I saw them I let out an embarrassing squeal of delight and then sat there, laughing to myself in sheer relief. (I hope these walls aren’t so thin that my neighbours could hear this farce.) Oh, my results are miserable compared to the last two years. but I have not failed anything and do not have to take any resits. Therefore, if I just work hard this semester there is still a chance of me getting onto the MEng course. (She says, after just talking about how lazy she has been. Woops) I had to check a few more times before I could let myself relax but once I believed that it was correct and I was seeing it correctly it was quite unburdening. It was all OK. Not amazing, I am still disappointed in myself, but it could have been so much worse and I am so relieved that I managed just to pass. I’m very glad to have it all over and done with. I felt rather light and very, very happy.

I also felt slightly ridiculous for the long conversation with my mother, part of which was me complaining about how much of a failure I was and how terrified I was for the future. But admittedly, there was so much more than it. I talked about so many things I had been keeping to myself and it was terrifying to make myself so vulnerable and to admit to some of those things, and I really hope that just once my mother understands not to talk about these things I said to someone else, but it was also very therapeutic. My mom was wonderfully supportive- telling me again and again not to be so hard on myself. I wished, and this made me feel like I was three years old, that we could have been having that conversation face to face and I could have cried and she would have held me as she always does whenever I break down. It is amazing how often I can think to myself I really dislike my mother- I argue with her frequently and a lot of the time we do not get on- but when I am feeling so vulnerable I want nothing more than my mother. Because when it comes to this, when I am feeling low and afraid of returning to that dark place (and really, it is that fear that makes the unhappiness all that worse), it feels as if its only my mother who I can talk to and who can make me feel better. She has been to that dark place too so she understands that fear, and she knows how to deal with it. I admit, sometimes I do admire my mother and her emotional strength. And even if sometimes I find her confidence irritating sometimes I admire that too because sometimes I can understand she likely developed that confidence the hard way.

When we talk like we did the other night, it gives me hope that one day things between my mother and I will change and we will get on. That I can forgive her for not always being the person I want her to be and for how she hurt me, and that she can forgive me for the terrible things I said which yes, definitely hurt her, and for being the sort of person who can become so very nasty when she is hurting. Sometimes, when we talk like that and we actually connect and she actually understands me and she says such nice things to me, I think maybe we’ve already arrived at that place. I just know we’ll end up arguing the next time we speak and we’ll be back to square one but it was very nice having those few hours to feel close to my mother again.

I don’t know. In these rambles I guess all I want to say is that this week was not so bad and good things happened these past few days and it was so very nice to have those moments. Now I should really go to bed. its 2.30am and I do have to get up in only a few hours.

Listening To: sistar - gone
mood: awake

“Why did I stop? Please tell me, when will I grow up? How long can I stay a child?”

This break without university has undoubtedly been a good one. First, I went to Thailand for 6 days and had a whale of a time with my sister. We took the night train (14 hours!) to Chiang mai where we spent three days visiting temples, experiencing the night safari, cuddling with tigers, spending too much time at the night markets, experiencing a day looking after elephants, then we flew back to Bangkok where we chilled at Siam paragon and the aquarium, learnt to cook Thai food at a Thai cooking school (though we both agree, we’d likely never make the dishes so tasty again!) and watched Thai boxing at lumpinee (=awesome) and got hopelessly lost in the maze that is Bangkok (=not so awesome). I got back and had a few days to mozy about as I wished before I jetted off to spend the weekend in Penang with my friend. It was only the second time I have been a tourist in Malaysia and the first time I have ventured outside of KL and it was wonderful. I went to the beach for the first time in three years and it was so hot and sweaty to be there, but it was so wonderful to take off my shoes and let my feet sink into the sand, to wade through the waves as I hunted down shells and finally, to sit down in the shade and read idly to the sound of the waves. Of course there was other stuff, too. I have posts about both these holidays lingering in my drafts, waiting to be brutally edited and in desperate need of spell checking. I will see if I ever get around to that. University started again this week and I am feeling hopelessly overwhelmed and unmotivated already. I think I will look back on my second year as university as one of the most brilliant (moving abroad!) and one of the most horrible (second year electrical and electronic engineering!).

I don’t look forward to uni at all anymore. In fact, it quite depresses me. I dread lectures, and I dread labs even more, and mini projects involving programming and real time systems I dread the most. This term is suspiciously light on contact time, which only makes me dread the sheer amount of work I am likely going to have to undertake in my own time. Not only that but there are a lot of labs. I hate labs.

I am beginning to seriously wonder if I should have listened when I told people I wished to do engineering and they told me don’t do it. I had a lecture yesterday introducing a ‘most pleasant’ module called “professional skills for engineers”. This module involves two individual presentations, a multimedia presentation and a group presentation. I started the lecture feeling vaguely unhappy about the whole thing, I ended it feeling in desperate need of a tub of ben & jerrys and a lot of angry rock music. The group presentation involves us choosing us our own groups, which for most people is a good thing, but for the shy, such things are not quite so pleasant. I shall have to wait to see who I am forced together with, and how it all turns out (likely: badly) Then there is the individual presentations which have to be on something engineering and science related and they suggest do something we know, as we are likely to be questioned about whatever topic we choose. And, to make it even more fun, the two presentations have to be on different topics. I realized as I was sitting there that there is nothing I know, let alone two things.

I am a second year engineering student and I have no idea why I am doing this subject anymore. What are my areas of interest? Surely I should know this by now?! Well, after much thinking, I’d say I sorta have an interest energy generation and renewables. I think that was one of the reasons I got into this subject and I don’t think anything has happened over the course over my degree to sway those interests to something else. But what do I know about these? Sadly, I draw a blank. I have no passion for this degree do I? I remember in A levels there was this guy who wanted to go into aerospace engineering and in his free time he built model airplanes. His friends all teased him but I bet he is doing really well with that sort of interest in the subject- that it even bleeds over into his personal time. In my personal time I cannot wait to get away from my degree. I don’t build circuits for fun, I don’t make myself personal coding projects, nor do I even read anything science and technology related (I attempted to read newscientist weekly for a time but it got too much…) Just why am I doing this subject, I wonder, when I am so…so ungeeky. When I don’t really have any passion for it. I have an interest in it, its not like I hate everything I study, but in the end, am I just getting by? When I talk to my dad, an experienced engineer, he can immediately talk about anything engineering related- he can tell me about components and circuit design and different technologies and analyse an unfamiliar circuit within moments. Will I ever be that competent? I certainly am not now, and I don’t even feel like I am even beginning on the path to that level of knowledgeable, as I probably should be. There are so many basic things that I continually forget.

I am beginning to doubt that I ever will become a competent engineer. I proved it in these exams last January- did I not? The exams were unfamiliar, and so I did badly. I cannot help but think that If I was a a good engineer, I would be clever enough to tackle even unfamiliar questions, because I would be clever enough and knowledgeable enough about my subject to apply it to even unfamiliar situations. With the way these exams went this January I feel like I have proven myself unworthy of this degree, or rather had it confirmed. I have never felt like a good engineer. I struggle so much with my subject. And with the way this subject is, most of the people on my course are the sort of insanely clever, well rounded individuals you’d ever meet. When I compare myself to them I cannot help but find myself lacking. I have always been aware of the difference between them and me, but it is only becoming more apparent as the degree gets harder and they continue to flourish whilst I…feel like I am being left behind. I feel so very unsuited to this. I wonder if they too are worried about what to do for this presentation, or if when the lecturer told us about it something immediately popped into their head. I wonder if they too are still floundering with no idea of what they want to do in the future, without any real goals and no passion for anything. Somehow, I doubt it. Everyone has at least one thing they feel passionate about, don’t they?

This is the thing, the worrying thing, there is nothing I feel truly passionate about. Well, nothing that matters. Being able to consume books like air is not exactly an employable skill. When it comes to those- what do I have? I speak just one language, I am terrible at sports, I am shy and reclusive, and then I am not even good at my degree. If only I could just be clever, if only I could have some competency in my degree I would feel more confident and more driven, but I feel myself stalling because I just.. don’t know anymore. I really dislike my degree right now. I feel lost and confused and continually disappointed in myself. I know that I need to overcome these feelings, that no matter what happened in January that I need to keep working but I cannot help the thought that it doesn’t matter how much I work, I will likely never end up anywhere with my terribly personality and how terrible I am at my degree and I think, well maybe I should just enjoy myself and read books instead. Its not good, nothing is good right now. I thought I’d be able to sort myself out with a good break but in the end I was running away for a bit, now I am back exactly where I was.

My room is a mess, my Japanese books lay forgotten on the shelf, my kindle keeps getting fuller and fuller, I go to bed too late and its not like I can ever get to sleep anyway, and I am gaining weight from binge eating too much. I am a bit of a mess right now. I have been for a while and I am at a loss to how to fix it. I just…don’t care anymore. no, not that’s not right. I do care, I care so much that I am retreating out of fear and trying desperately to pretend that I don’t. I have all these EXPECTATIONS and all these DREAMS and I am having to realise how unrealistic they all are, how maybe I am not the sort of person who can achieve those things I dream of, that perhaps I’ve always had too high expectations for myself. I want to be one of those clever, well rounded people. More than that I want to be a competent, knowledgeable engineer. But it feels like… I feel like I’m trying to squeeze myself into a mold that is not made for me.

I need to deal with this and I don’t know how. I need to do these presentations and act knowledgeable when I am not. I need to work in groups in labs and pull my weight but how can I when I just do not know what I am doing? I am dreading this semester. Not looking forward to it at all.

Listening To: SISTAR - Gone not around any longer
mood: awake

“Don’t try to block the sun that shines on me”

I’m once again sitting at the airport waiting to board a flight. that’s kind of awesome isn’t it? This flying thing is becoming second nature to me and more importantly, I’m becoming more comfortable flying alone. No matter how much time I’ve spent at airports and on planes in my life, most of it was trailing after my father. Now, I can do these things myself.

I’ve been up since 6am and I’m exhausted. It was a rush to get everything packed and my room organized and it didn’t help that the taxi came early, adding extra pressure. Yes, I should have done it all before hand but those three days between my flight and my exam flew by me. It was only yesterday that it sunk in that I was going to Thailand and I started to get stressed out running around trying to get everything for today and eventually, eventually I bought a bottle of sprite and got cup full of ice, then went to sit on a bench close by my halls…overlooking not very much. But the view did not matter. the fresh air did, being out of my tiny room did, taking time out to slowly drink my sprite and chew on the ice did, letting my mind wander as it wanted did. I thought of many things, most of them nothing very important but as my mind worked its way to the core of the… the heaviness…the tiredness I’ve been feeling lately I realized I was very glad to be going to Thailand today. If I didn’t, I fear, no, I know I would end up spending my time in my room, slowly retreating back to a dark place I never wanted to visit again. I’m very sad right now.. Exams left me tired, disappointed in myself and just, regretful and yeah, maybe a little angry. and, I realized too, that I am perhaps grieving. I don’t know if I am, I don’t know what grief is and I still don’t feel like I’m doing it properly, if there is such a thing. But maybe this slow, festering pain and this heavy weight settling deep inside me is grief. At the bottom of it, I’m 15 again and the weight of my grief and my disappointment is crushing me right now. I cannot wait to just get away, to take a time to see how wonderful things are despite all the horrible things that have happened these past few weeks. To come to terms with the fact that life goes on and whatever gets left behind.. I have to let go of. I have to get my mind back into a better place before the next term. I cannot wait to see my sister again. I cannot wait to go elephant riding and temple sight seeing and jungle trekking and shopping and so many things beside. This is going to be awesome. I’m a little anxious, as usual, but I’m excited. I have so much to look forward to.

(N/B – For those that notice the time stamp, I wrote this at the airport at the gate where there was obviously no way for me to post it. Posting is now that I have internet and time to read through and spell check!)

Post Title: Jaejoong - Mine lyrics

Day by Day

It’s been a while since I posted regularly hasn’t it? Reading through my last entry its completely obvious how out of practice I am- and how stressed I was at that time. I have an unfortunate habit of using lots! of! exclamation marks! when stressed! It doesn’t read well does it? I also find that I have been so stressed lately that blogging became just another thing I have to do which it should never be. I want a record of my time here in Malaysia and that isn’t going to write itself, and that doesn’t have to be a chore.I admit, everything seems like too much effort lately. I am feeling very drained. My last exam was yesterday and so I ended up staying up until 4am reading and totally I woke up at 2pm, literally woke up, as if 10 hours of sleep is a natural amount to be completely passed out for, and finally dragged myself out of bed at 5pm. Today I was supposed to get through the large amount of chores I have but in the end I have spent most of it asleep.

Isn’t it strange that its already the 17th of January? Christmas last year was a very quiet affair. (Last year. What.) The Semester ended like it always did- suddenly, with deadlines that seemed so far away suddenly beginning to pile up, tests to be taken, lectures finishing and with that came the realization that oh shit, lectures are finishing and I am only on example sheet 1, then panic and finally, beginning to properly revise. Revision is largely how I spent my Christmas break. It was not a very Christmassy Christmas. The only time it really felt like Christmas was when I went out into KL with my friend a few days before the 25th to go see the Christmas decorations at KLCC, Times Square and Pavilion. It was a ridiculously fun day. We went to KLCC first and had lunch- western food, of course. Then we went to M&S and indulged in more western food- I got very enthusiastic and brought shortbread and microwaveable Christmas puddings and chocolate covered hazelnuts, dolly mixture, chocolate coins… Proper chocolate and sweets and something to make me feel Christmassy. Then we went onwards to Times Square and finally pavilion. As for the decorations? Spectacular, of course. Christmas here is more commercial than anything else of course, so they really go all out. We saw gardens of Christmas trees coated in lights, a small army of giant toy soldiers, angels hanging from the ceilings, and of course there was some mediocre Christmas music playing, though nothing as awful as what had been playing in Tesco earlier. Pavilion had the best Christmas decorations of the lot, but it was all fairly grand.

Christmas itself was spent in my room revising. I did phone my family of course and we talked randomly about this and that. With my mom being in Cape Town it was fairly quiet for my dad and sister, too.

New years came too quickly. I spent new years eve in the library then at 10 to midnight, just before leaving, I texted my sister “happy new years!”, amused that it was January 1st here whilst it was still midday on new years eve there. I talked to my sister as I walked back to my room. Later, I spoke to my Grandmother, too. Her and my grandpa also spent a quiet Christmas. It seems that no one in my family is really celebrating this year. Even for new years, my sister, who used to always go out, was staying at home with my dad. That did shock me, but then my sister has changed a lot since graduating. As we were talking on the phone she told me about her job and what she wore to work and all the things she had bought lately and I once more became very aware of those three years between us, of the fact that my sister is maturing fast, is an adult now. This makes me happy whilst it also makes me sad. As time passes I know my sister cannot remain just my sister for much longer, but will likely one day have a husband and her own family taking up her time. The distance between us will only grow further, you know? I don’t feel mature or adult-like, but spending Christmas alone and not celebrating definitely made me feel little adult, like I’ve truly outgrown Christmas mornings spent opening presents and lazing around watching movies with my sister or arguing over a game of monopoly with her whilst waiting for my Dad to finish lunch. I’m growing up now and things are quickly changing, have been changing for the past few years. I guess this was the first year it hit me how different things are becoming, in this strange new adult world I am about to venture into, tentatively, one foot in the door and one foot still on the threshold.

I was alone and revising, or to be honest, procrastinating from revising.

All the time examinations were creeping closer, a parasitic presence in my mind. I have struggled this semester with the work, with getting myself to work, with everything. But I tried very hard with my revision. I reminded myself again and again of my goals to get onto the MEng course and struggled on. In the end… it did not go well. I’ll write a separate entry about that, lest this gets too long. And now? Now I have two days free then I’m flying to Thailand where I’ll be meeting my sister at Bangkok airport, and we’ll be exploring Chiang Mai and Bangkok over the course of 6 days. I’m both very nervous and very excited. After that? A couple of days break then I’ll be spending the weekend in Penang. That I am excited for. So in the end? I may be tired and miserable right now, but I certainly have a lot to look forward to.

Studying abroad for the year, despite everything, is still one of the best decisions I ever made.

Listening To: G. NA - Tell me Now
mood: Lazy

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