Honest Lies – Page 46 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

Some random thoughts:

1. University is still very slow. I don’t want to complain, as I really don’t want labs to start up or for classes to become more intense, but I can feel myself becoming much too lazy. As in, its becoming natural to be lazy, which it should not. Today I had my first class at 3pm and I was late- because i OVERSLEPT. :| I have also not been studying at all, which is terrible.

2. I finished God’s Quiz Season 3 today. I started season 1 towards the end of last week. Talk about an addictive drama. The 3 seasons came together so well, although all three could stand alone. Ryo Duk Hwan is amazing as the eccentric genius Dr Han. The show is flashy but in a highly enjoyable way- its easy to get caught up in the crazy rare diseases and crimes that (sometimes) suspend disbelief. Best of all is the ongoing thread of Dr Han’s mysterious disease. Crazy scientists and their mad schemes are definitely not the most believable of plots but they sure are fun. In season 1 and 2 Ahn Yong Joon was incredible as the deranged genius Ha Yoon and although the mad scientist of Season 3 wasn’t as interesting, the twist of what was happening to Dr Han because of his disease was fascinating and really creepy. I loved how the last episode just turned everything on its head. Was not expecting it AT ALL. The ending was awful though. HOW COULD THEY LEAVE IT THERE. There better be a fourth season coming soon.

3. Whilst on the subject off dramas can I also recommend The Thousandth Man? Its not perfect, but its a lovely attempt at doing something new with the gumiho legend. I just finished re-watching episode 3 which was just so touching. I struggle to articulate my thoughts on this drama so let me link to this wonderful review. (skip to the end of the post for the review.)

4. I was surprised, and pleased, to find the God’s Quiz OST on amazon for a little over £1 for one song and its instrumental. Sadly their mp3 store is difficult to navigate and I cannot seem to stumble over any other kpop that I would want to purchase. Still, its nice to know its probably there for a decent price, and without having to wait for anything to ship to me. (And yes I know, for someone my age I am very out of touch with modern ways of getting music. I still exist in the CD age D:)

5. I’ve been eating too much chocolate and junk food lately and generally wasting to much money on food. Food is very cheap in Malaysia, which was great when I first got here, although I was soon made to realize how much of a double edged sword that is. When my cravings for junk food got very bad in the UK I could usually refrain myself because of the price. Now, the food is cheap and 7-Eleven is right there in the center of campus where I pass everyday and … I need to fix this asap. I have a feeling I’ve posted this before, too, which is embarrassing if true. I really am not good at sticking to personal goals.

6. Also embarrassing: I cannot use chopsticks. Yes, I know even 3 year olds can use them these days but no matter how much I have tried in the past I could never get the hang of it. I am going to Japan in June though which has inspired me to properly try and learn. I bought some cheap chopsticks at TESCO and have been trying to eat my food with them, but it gets so frustrating when I am hungry and I cannot pick up my food that I always end up back to using a fork. Somehow, I don’t think I am going to end up a master of these things by June. :/

Listening To: HLIN - secret

Untitled

This first week at university was very quiet. Maths, like always, started with no introduction. Yet all other modules were introduction lectures. Half of my telecommunications lecture on Thursday was the lecturer explaining what she thinks makes a good engineer. My electronic engineering lecture on Friday was mostly revision, with the lecturer trying to get us to remember our basic electronic engineering stuff from last year… thankfully in that instance I was not the only one struggling to remember this stuff. Labs have yet to start either, thankfully. Then it was Chinese New Years on Monday which means I had a glorious four day weekend- today is a Tuesday and I woke up at 3pm and spent most of the day reading. I had great plans for these four days involving waking up early and getting things done- my messy room would be cleaned, the mountains of clothes piled on my chair would be sorted and what needs to be washed, washed, and the rest put away, Japanese would be learnt, electronic engineering would be revised, math tutorials would be complete. Typically, I went into these four days with far too high expectations of myself. The other days went much like the others- sleeping late and lazying around. Tomorrow, I have class at 9am and a) have not done all the preparation work and b) have no idea how I am going to get up and not just, you know, sleep through it.

I am feeling very relaxed and slightly less miserable as the last few posts as I got my results on Saturday. Well actually, results came through on Friday but it took me one day, a tearful and deeply personal conversation with my mother and an entire extra large bar of cadburys chocolate before I could check them. When I saw them I let out an embarrassing squeal of delight and then sat there, laughing to myself in sheer relief. (I hope these walls aren’t so thin that my neighbours could hear this farce.) Oh, my results are miserable compared to the last two years. but I have not failed anything and do not have to take any resits. Therefore, if I just work hard this semester there is still a chance of me getting onto the MEng course. (She says, after just talking about how lazy she has been. Woops) I had to check a few more times before I could let myself relax but once I believed that it was correct and I was seeing it correctly it was quite unburdening. It was all OK. Not amazing, I am still disappointed in myself, but it could have been so much worse and I am so relieved that I managed just to pass. I’m very glad to have it all over and done with. I felt rather light and very, very happy.

I also felt slightly ridiculous for the long conversation with my mother, part of which was me complaining about how much of a failure I was and how terrified I was for the future. But admittedly, there was so much more than it. I talked about so many things I had been keeping to myself and it was terrifying to make myself so vulnerable and to admit to some of those things, and I really hope that just once my mother understands not to talk about these things I said to someone else, but it was also very therapeutic. My mom was wonderfully supportive- telling me again and again not to be so hard on myself. I wished, and this made me feel like I was three years old, that we could have been having that conversation face to face and I could have cried and she would have held me as she always does whenever I break down. It is amazing how often I can think to myself I really dislike my mother- I argue with her frequently and a lot of the time we do not get on- but when I am feeling so vulnerable I want nothing more than my mother. Because when it comes to this, when I am feeling low and afraid of returning to that dark place (and really, it is that fear that makes the unhappiness all that worse), it feels as if its only my mother who I can talk to and who can make me feel better. She has been to that dark place too so she understands that fear, and she knows how to deal with it. I admit, sometimes I do admire my mother and her emotional strength. And even if sometimes I find her confidence irritating sometimes I admire that too because sometimes I can understand she likely developed that confidence the hard way.

When we talk like we did the other night, it gives me hope that one day things between my mother and I will change and we will get on. That I can forgive her for not always being the person I want her to be and for how she hurt me, and that she can forgive me for the terrible things I said which yes, definitely hurt her, and for being the sort of person who can become so very nasty when she is hurting. Sometimes, when we talk like that and we actually connect and she actually understands me and she says such nice things to me, I think maybe we’ve already arrived at that place. I just know we’ll end up arguing the next time we speak and we’ll be back to square one but it was very nice having those few hours to feel close to my mother again.

I don’t know. In these rambles I guess all I want to say is that this week was not so bad and good things happened these past few days and it was so very nice to have those moments. Now I should really go to bed. its 2.30am and I do have to get up in only a few hours.

Listening To: sistar - gone
mood: awake

“Why did I stop? Please tell me, when will I grow up? How long can I stay a child?”

This break without university has undoubtedly been a good one. First, I went to Thailand for 6 days and had a whale of a time with my sister. We took the night train (14 hours!) to Chiang mai where we spent three days visiting temples, experiencing the night safari, cuddling with tigers, spending too much time at the night markets, experiencing a day looking after elephants, then we flew back to Bangkok where we chilled at Siam paragon and the aquarium, learnt to cook Thai food at a Thai cooking school (though we both agree, we’d likely never make the dishes so tasty again!) and watched Thai boxing at lumpinee (=awesome) and got hopelessly lost in the maze that is Bangkok (=not so awesome). I got back and had a few days to mozy about as I wished before I jetted off to spend the weekend in Penang with my friend. It was only the second time I have been a tourist in Malaysia and the first time I have ventured outside of KL and it was wonderful. I went to the beach for the first time in three years and it was so hot and sweaty to be there, but it was so wonderful to take off my shoes and let my feet sink into the sand, to wade through the waves as I hunted down shells and finally, to sit down in the shade and read idly to the sound of the waves. Of course there was other stuff, too. I have posts about both these holidays lingering in my drafts, waiting to be brutally edited and in desperate need of spell checking. I will see if I ever get around to that. University started again this week and I am feeling hopelessly overwhelmed and unmotivated already. I think I will look back on my second year as university as one of the most brilliant (moving abroad!) and one of the most horrible (second year electrical and electronic engineering!).

I don’t look forward to uni at all anymore. In fact, it quite depresses me. I dread lectures, and I dread labs even more, and mini projects involving programming and real time systems I dread the most. This term is suspiciously light on contact time, which only makes me dread the sheer amount of work I am likely going to have to undertake in my own time. Not only that but there are a lot of labs. I hate labs.

I am beginning to seriously wonder if I should have listened when I told people I wished to do engineering and they told me don’t do it. I had a lecture yesterday introducing a ‘most pleasant’ module called “professional skills for engineers”. This module involves two individual presentations, a multimedia presentation and a group presentation. I started the lecture feeling vaguely unhappy about the whole thing, I ended it feeling in desperate need of a tub of ben & jerrys and a lot of angry rock music. The group presentation involves us choosing us our own groups, which for most people is a good thing, but for the shy, such things are not quite so pleasant. I shall have to wait to see who I am forced together with, and how it all turns out (likely: badly) Then there is the individual presentations which have to be on something engineering and science related and they suggest do something we know, as we are likely to be questioned about whatever topic we choose. And, to make it even more fun, the two presentations have to be on different topics. I realized as I was sitting there that there is nothing I know, let alone two things.

I am a second year engineering student and I have no idea why I am doing this subject anymore. What are my areas of interest? Surely I should know this by now?! Well, after much thinking, I’d say I sorta have an interest energy generation and renewables. I think that was one of the reasons I got into this subject and I don’t think anything has happened over the course over my degree to sway those interests to something else. But what do I know about these? Sadly, I draw a blank. I have no passion for this degree do I? I remember in A levels there was this guy who wanted to go into aerospace engineering and in his free time he built model airplanes. His friends all teased him but I bet he is doing really well with that sort of interest in the subject- that it even bleeds over into his personal time. In my personal time I cannot wait to get away from my degree. I don’t build circuits for fun, I don’t make myself personal coding projects, nor do I even read anything science and technology related (I attempted to read newscientist weekly for a time but it got too much…) Just why am I doing this subject, I wonder, when I am so…so ungeeky. When I don’t really have any passion for it. I have an interest in it, its not like I hate everything I study, but in the end, am I just getting by? When I talk to my dad, an experienced engineer, he can immediately talk about anything engineering related- he can tell me about components and circuit design and different technologies and analyse an unfamiliar circuit within moments. Will I ever be that competent? I certainly am not now, and I don’t even feel like I am even beginning on the path to that level of knowledgeable, as I probably should be. There are so many basic things that I continually forget.

I am beginning to doubt that I ever will become a competent engineer. I proved it in these exams last January- did I not? The exams were unfamiliar, and so I did badly. I cannot help but think that If I was a a good engineer, I would be clever enough to tackle even unfamiliar questions, because I would be clever enough and knowledgeable enough about my subject to apply it to even unfamiliar situations. With the way these exams went this January I feel like I have proven myself unworthy of this degree, or rather had it confirmed. I have never felt like a good engineer. I struggle so much with my subject. And with the way this subject is, most of the people on my course are the sort of insanely clever, well rounded individuals you’d ever meet. When I compare myself to them I cannot help but find myself lacking. I have always been aware of the difference between them and me, but it is only becoming more apparent as the degree gets harder and they continue to flourish whilst I…feel like I am being left behind. I feel so very unsuited to this. I wonder if they too are worried about what to do for this presentation, or if when the lecturer told us about it something immediately popped into their head. I wonder if they too are still floundering with no idea of what they want to do in the future, without any real goals and no passion for anything. Somehow, I doubt it. Everyone has at least one thing they feel passionate about, don’t they?

This is the thing, the worrying thing, there is nothing I feel truly passionate about. Well, nothing that matters. Being able to consume books like air is not exactly an employable skill. When it comes to those- what do I have? I speak just one language, I am terrible at sports, I am shy and reclusive, and then I am not even good at my degree. If only I could just be clever, if only I could have some competency in my degree I would feel more confident and more driven, but I feel myself stalling because I just.. don’t know anymore. I really dislike my degree right now. I feel lost and confused and continually disappointed in myself. I know that I need to overcome these feelings, that no matter what happened in January that I need to keep working but I cannot help the thought that it doesn’t matter how much I work, I will likely never end up anywhere with my terribly personality and how terrible I am at my degree and I think, well maybe I should just enjoy myself and read books instead. Its not good, nothing is good right now. I thought I’d be able to sort myself out with a good break but in the end I was running away for a bit, now I am back exactly where I was.

My room is a mess, my Japanese books lay forgotten on the shelf, my kindle keeps getting fuller and fuller, I go to bed too late and its not like I can ever get to sleep anyway, and I am gaining weight from binge eating too much. I am a bit of a mess right now. I have been for a while and I am at a loss to how to fix it. I just…don’t care anymore. no, not that’s not right. I do care, I care so much that I am retreating out of fear and trying desperately to pretend that I don’t. I have all these EXPECTATIONS and all these DREAMS and I am having to realise how unrealistic they all are, how maybe I am not the sort of person who can achieve those things I dream of, that perhaps I’ve always had too high expectations for myself. I want to be one of those clever, well rounded people. More than that I want to be a competent, knowledgeable engineer. But it feels like… I feel like I’m trying to squeeze myself into a mold that is not made for me.

I need to deal with this and I don’t know how. I need to do these presentations and act knowledgeable when I am not. I need to work in groups in labs and pull my weight but how can I when I just do not know what I am doing? I am dreading this semester. Not looking forward to it at all.

Listening To: SISTAR - Gone not around any longer
mood: awake

Books: January 2013

So I decided to be a bit more ordered and a little more focused with my book posts! I thought that with the new year and with this domain aging even further (iit’s about 5 years now, surprisingly) I should mix it up a little. I have been reading other peoples monthly book posts for a while and I enjoy them. So I decided to do this instead of having it all so random. Of course last year I set a goal to read 50 books and I more than met that, so this year I shall aim for…100? Or 50? At least 50 again, 100 this time if possible.

On saying that, I have not got much reading done this month due to other things taking up my time- exams, then going on holiday.

1) Hush by Anne Frasier – I started this and finished this at the beginning of January and I…can’t remember anything about it. the friendship between the two main characters was sweet? meh.

2) Fair Game by Josh Lanyon – I’ve been looking into starting on Josh Lanyon’s books for a while and I finally got around to it this month. This book came with good reviews so I went in with high expectations and honestly? This book did not quite work for me. There’s nothing really wrong with it but I was never quite absorbed in it. The main let down was one the reasons I started this book- the central mystery. The mystery seemed to serve more as a catalyst for the characters relationship than anything else. I would have liked to know more about Terry Baker, it seemed so much like there was something there, unexplored. I wanted more from this book. By the end only the main relationship was resolved and everything else seemed to fall by the wayside. Although I don’t need everything wrapped in a neat bow for me, I don’t like it when a book rushes to the end and then abruptly stops. There are instances where that works, but not here. It felt rushed, there were loose ends all over the place and what little was resolved was done so in an ambiguous manner. I liked this book but I wanted to love it, so I was left disappointed.

3) Wings of the Storm by Susan Sizemore – I FINALLY finished this book. I feel like I have been reading it forever, and I probably have. I picked it up because I was interested in the setting, which reviews said the author did well and she did, but the book just dragged on and on and on. The author handled the time travel thing well though. I initially enjoyed Jane’s adventures in medieval England quite a lot until the romance started taking over but it was OK cos it seemed like the book would end…but it didn’t. and it didn’t for the next million chapters.

4) If it Ain’t love by Tamara Allen – beautiful. Just lovely. packs more into 40 pages than some authors put into series yet never feels rushed or incomplete. as close to perfect as they come, really.

5) Come Unto These Yellow Sands by Josh Lanyon – How beautiful is that title? Anyway, this read a lot like Fair Game but I don’t mind, as it read like a better version. The ending was still a little rushed and ambiguous but it didn’t leave me feeling quite so disappointed as Fair Game. I really liked Swift and I liked how the mystery was intertwined with his issues. Not sure I’ll be reading any more of Josh Lanyon’s books though, as neither of these books I really loved and with these two being so similar I have no interest in reading the same thing thrice.

6) Last Rituals by Yrsa Sigurdardottir – The case of this crime novel was fascinating. I loved the Icelandic setting. However the main characters were dull- coming across not quite like stock characters, but close. And sometimes either of them, or both, said or did things that made me slightly uncomfortable. Even if I did appreciate how frank they both were, and the dry humour that ran throughout what is otherwise a rather grim book. Further, It was awkward to read as the writing is slightly clunky, although this may be due to language/cultural differences/translation so I can’t really hold that against the book. It’s a pity I couldn’t enjoy this book more- as the central mystery was fantastic and could have made for a haunting read.

7) Scarlet & The White Wolf by Kirby Crow – I read this in just over a day and loved nearly every second of it. Gorgeous writing, amazing world building, and a sweet slow burning romance. If I think about it the world building was initially a little confusing, and both characters did take some warming up to, and this is minor but I felt embarrassed for the characters (mostly Scarlet) one more time than I am comfortable with as I really hate feeling that sort of second hand embarrassment when reading/watching tv etc, but none of these things bothered me enough to stop reading. It was so easy to get caught up in this book and I’m eager to get to the next in the trilogy (series? idk)

“Don’t try to block the sun that shines on me”

I’m once again sitting at the airport waiting to board a flight. that’s kind of awesome isn’t it? This flying thing is becoming second nature to me and more importantly, I’m becoming more comfortable flying alone. No matter how much time I’ve spent at airports and on planes in my life, most of it was trailing after my father. Now, I can do these things myself.

I’ve been up since 6am and I’m exhausted. It was a rush to get everything packed and my room organized and it didn’t help that the taxi came early, adding extra pressure. Yes, I should have done it all before hand but those three days between my flight and my exam flew by me. It was only yesterday that it sunk in that I was going to Thailand and I started to get stressed out running around trying to get everything for today and eventually, eventually I bought a bottle of sprite and got cup full of ice, then went to sit on a bench close by my halls…overlooking not very much. But the view did not matter. the fresh air did, being out of my tiny room did, taking time out to slowly drink my sprite and chew on the ice did, letting my mind wander as it wanted did. I thought of many things, most of them nothing very important but as my mind worked its way to the core of the… the heaviness…the tiredness I’ve been feeling lately I realized I was very glad to be going to Thailand today. If I didn’t, I fear, no, I know I would end up spending my time in my room, slowly retreating back to a dark place I never wanted to visit again. I’m very sad right now.. Exams left me tired, disappointed in myself and just, regretful and yeah, maybe a little angry. and, I realized too, that I am perhaps grieving. I don’t know if I am, I don’t know what grief is and I still don’t feel like I’m doing it properly, if there is such a thing. But maybe this slow, festering pain and this heavy weight settling deep inside me is grief. At the bottom of it, I’m 15 again and the weight of my grief and my disappointment is crushing me right now. I cannot wait to just get away, to take a time to see how wonderful things are despite all the horrible things that have happened these past few weeks. To come to terms with the fact that life goes on and whatever gets left behind.. I have to let go of. I have to get my mind back into a better place before the next term. I cannot wait to see my sister again. I cannot wait to go elephant riding and temple sight seeing and jungle trekking and shopping and so many things beside. This is going to be awesome. I’m a little anxious, as usual, but I’m excited. I have so much to look forward to.

(N/B – For those that notice the time stamp, I wrote this at the airport at the gate where there was obviously no way for me to post it. Posting is now that I have internet and time to read through and spell check!)

Post Title: Jaejoong - Mine lyrics

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