Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

“I can’t live successfully yet but I think I can change”

You know how I said I wouldn’t ever go to anime club?

Well, I went.

I figured I should try it out and see how it went. You know, crawl out of my shell and stop avoiding life. I was also really worried about my maths work and wanted to get some studying done. Thus a plan was born- go into Liverpool, go to library and work for a bit, then go to the anime club. I could work on maths at home, but not really. Currently the program we use for maths can only be accessed on the university network. So I went in Thursday evening and did an hour and a half of work. I then headed across town, grabbed a quick bite to eat at Tesco (I am the person who queues for 10 minutes to pay for one 70p pastry) and then went to the anime meeting. It was very weird. I have been into anime/manga/everything for about 5 years but not once have I watched it with someone else. I went to watch Ponyo in the cinema…but I went alone. And I also watch my anime/whatever using headphones so it’s weird hearing it…without headphones. It was just very weird sitting in a room full of people watching anime. A room full of people who LIKE anime. A room full of people who talk about this kind of stuff, I presume, on a regular basis. I have never really talked about this stuff to anyone. It was also weird watching anime all the way through. I usually skip the opening/ending and I’ll pause every few minutes to go check my mail or do something else. I can never focus for long enough to watch something the whole way through!

They showed two episodes of two different series and there were breaks before and after. When I first got there I had to wait around as they set up and I talked to this one girl and it was very awkward. There were many of those long uncomfortable pauses as we pondered what to say to each other and failed to come up with anything. She asked me what I liked and I said I don’t watch much anime, more manga and then she asked me for favourite manga titles and I couldn’t, couldn’t tell her anything (really- idk what my favourites are and I know anything I could mention would be BL and no way am I admitting to reading that) so I fumbled over the question and probably came across as rude. It was awful. There was another break after the first showing of…something (dura dura I think? I couldn’t really see the screen. Some guys head totally obscured the subtitles so idk) and I just kind of sat alone and waited. Oh, awkwardness. I couldn’t bring myself to go talk to anyone. They were all already in groups of friends T_T The first anime shown was OK but the other one was some lame mecha. Oh man I had to sit through 30 mins of mecha. Ugh. I didn’t enjoy the experience and I also failed to make any friends. Won’t be going back/putting myself through that again.

It would have been nice after putting myself out there good things happen, but maybe I didn’t put enough effort in or maybe I just really suck at socialising and should just give up already. It’s too hard.

Also after the anime club I went to this pizza place for a very late supper (like 9:00pm by then) and it was empty apart from me and the guy making the pizza. The guy tried to strike up conversation with me and I just froze up. Only afterwards did I think of all the things that I should have asked and said. So typical of me. I felt quite pathetic after that little venture out, sitting all alone at the train station eating pizza and waiting for my train. I wanted to go home so badly. Although the train was nice and quiet and I could just chill out and read which was rather nice. I actually quite like the commute. I get a alot of reading done and I can go over lecture notes if I so wish.

Other than having no friends university is going OK. I am in on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. At the moment the work is relatively easy though I find my labs difficult already. Well not difficult, just confusing? Basically I suck at practical work. I didn’t manage to complete my first set of lab work, which is worrying as I’d guess it is the easiest one D: It was so difficult to concentrate in that lab session as it was like 2 hours? My first lecture was also difficult to concentrate in as it was about 1.5 hours long. I also admit to having to think way too much about the basic maths and science stuff I’m being taught atm and have come to the conclusion that GCSE and A levels has taught me NOTHING. Then again I have always sucked at basic maths. I had to slave to get through my C1 paper- which is the A level non-calculator paper. I was worried about lagging behind maths but I got through quite a few modules last week from ventures to the library. Next week I will also be good and I will go to the library mon/tues/wed after lectures/labs so I won’t have to go in on Thursday like this week and thus also have a valid excuse to avoid anime club (I’m not in the city! :D) I figure even if the maths is quite basic now I should take this opportunity to get into good habits so when it does get hard I’ll be prepared.

Also I think I have gotten used to Liverpool itself. Not enough that I know any shortcuts (I have a feeling I am taking the long way round for everything at the moment) but I know where everything I need to know is at least. I am currently spending a little too much money, which worries me. I spend about £3 or more on food a day. And I like to spend the commute time reading, so I’m spending a ridiculous amount on books too. Thankfully I haven’t gone shopping again, because armed with as much money as I have now (student loan!) I will have no willpower to stop myself from splurging. Mainly though PLEASE STOP ME FROM SPENDING ALL MY MONEY ON FOOD. It’s getting ridiculous.

Long Way

Updates for the past few days in bullet form because I am not feeling 100% and thus feeling incredibly lazy (more so than usual):

  • I had my last day of induction week on Thursday. I had to work as part of a group for part of the day and it was embarrassing. I was so nervous and I ended up rambling and saying things I should have really thought more about before I said them. I desperately willed myself to shut up but couldn’t. I always get this way. Seriously I told my sister this and she agreed I do this. Oh it was bad. I still haven’t made any friends and I don’t think I made a good impression on my group :x
  • I checked out the student union and didn’t see any clubs or societies that appealed, not really, and they are all in the evenings anyway so it’s not like I could go to any meetings (I’m in Liverpool in the mornings and sometimes afternoon). I somehow still ended up signing up for the anime club. fml. I don’t even like anime, or games. I sort of like Manga, but I mainly read BL these days and even then not often. I am really not an anime fan. I watch anime occasionally and it’s usually BL, or shoujo with hints of BL and anything with bishounen (pretty boys) in it. I have incredibly bad taste- there is no way I want to admit that I watch what I watch! But I had made this guy explain all about the club and he was looking at me so expectantly I couldn’t help but put my name down. I’m not going to any of the meetings. I’m not!
  • Also on that Thursday I had a massive 3 and a half hour break between things. Though I had a plan this time! I got lunch and then went to the Liverpool museum. It was really nice! Really small, because I have been spoiled by the Natural History museums in London and Manchester. But it was cool! They had some really nice displays. They also had a mini aquarium! I love aquariums. This one was tiny, but still I loved it. It also made me think back to going to the Nagoya Port Aquarium in Japan- which was possibly the coolest aquarium I’ve ever been too. Indeed, no other aquarium will compare. The display windows at Nagoya were so big, that the tiny ones in Liverpool really seemed so tiny in comparison :x But I still love Aquariums and it was really quiet, so much more so than Nagoya was, so I could take my time and have a really good look. It was similar level of quiet in all sections actually which was great. Oh and they had a bug section. I hate insects so I went into that section as a challenge to myself. I forced myself to stare at a tarantula for a good minute before I couldn’t take it anymore. Bugs and spiders freak me out :| They had stick insects though- which of course you had to search for XD I remember in South Africa once we found a Stick insect in our garden. They are really cool creatures. Anyway- it was a nice visit and a good way to kill some time. I do wonder what it says about my personality that I would rather go round a museum by myself than be around people but nvm. I did force myself to go to the student union after that and after that I went for a walk. I hope by the time I have my next too-long break I’d have some work to do or something. Though there are a few more museums and tourist attractions for me to check out XD
  • Met up with my best friend on Friday. Went shopping together! It was so nice to see her again, and to talk to someone other than my family XD I was terribly spacey that day due to my cold but it was still fun. She gave me my birthday present. I admit it’s quite nice to get a present now, months after my birthday. It’s nice to open up presents seemingly randomly. She got me the sweetest gifts: a motivational collage she made herself and some natural handmade soap she bought me from Italy. I am allergic to most soaps and stuff- but she knew this, and she thought of this because I can use it if it’s natural :D I was so happy. I almost feel worried that my present for her 19th won’t compare, but then it’s her 19th birthday. I’ll stress out about her 21st. Oh and I bought a couple of cheap items from Primark and a facial mask from Lush. That facial mask cost me almost £5 which killed me, until I used it and remembered just how good it was (I’ve used it before). I want my skin to clear up, even though I seemed doomed to forever have ugly skin T__T
  • We got a cat! My mom’s friend is moving into a temporary residence so she can’t keep her cat, and this we are looking after her cat for a few months! It is a black kitty with a fat body and short legs and it’s really fluffy XD She’s the cutest thing ever. I have missed our old cat these past years, and having a pet again is so wonderful. Though this cat is so clingy! She follows me around sometimes and it annoys me a little. But she isn’t vicious at all, so I can’t hate her. She’s really loving, and she loves to purr, and she is very playful. Really she is so lovely. I’m happy we have her, I think.

And that is it. I start university properly tomorrow which I’m not looking forward to for two reasons- a) I have a cold and don’t feel well and b) I start labs tomorrow. I suck at practical work. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my group any more than I probably already did on Thursday :| It’s going to be a long day tomorrow…

The one where I start university (sort of)

I enrolled this Sunday and started on Monday. I planned long blog entries on both days on the actual day but I was too lazy. And I’m tired and kind of don’t feel very well. It was a sort of overwhelming process. A lot of frustration, loneliness and boredom mixed in.

Sunday was maybe worst than Monday. I almost got lost trying to find the library where I had to enrol, and felt like a bit of an idiotic wondering around Liverpool with my map out like some kind of lost tourist. I did find the place, only to get turned away because it was too early :( I wanted to look around the library but I didn’t know my way around so I exited as quickly as I entered– the lady at the door gave me a very strange look for that. Oh well. I went for a long walk with no real direction in mind, just trying not to get lost. It was windy and cold and windy. I could feel the wind pressing against me and the sound of it washed out the sound of my music that I was listening to pass the time and distract me. I regretted wearing one of those tops that are only tight on the sleeves- it billowed in an unflattering and annoying manner.

Eventually I ended back at the place, and there was thankfully another person at the door. I joined the queue of other students, then got given a massive form to fill out with the helpful instruction “fill out the blue area”. I regretted judging those who came with their parents as filling out this thing on my own was hard. I didn’t have anyone to ask, so I kind of blindly filled it out with what certificates and official letters I had on me (the uni did actually send a checklist of things to bring in advance) and hoped for the best. Phoned my mother at one point to get a phone number off her and admittedly took my stress out of her but she was being so slow and I really wanted to get onto the next stage of enrolling (TMI: I really needed the toilet…) After more queuing (which was killing me at this point because I really needed the toilet) I handed my forms in, got given more forms and more instructions. Found myself some toilets (thank everything) and then in another queue to get my student card. Then had to activate my computer account. And that was it. A long process, but a simple one. I was then officially a university student.

Next came the fun of finding a stationery shop in Liverpool. Took me about an hour and I inadvertently found myself in Liverpool ONE which I’d heard about and thought was a shopping mall, and maybe that was why I couldn’t find it when I was Liverpool before because it is actually open air. But I found a WH Smith there, just when I’d resigned myself to the fact stationery shops didn’t exist in Liverpool. Phoned my sister frantically like “WHAT DO I BUY?!” as there were about 50 different types of notebook which I found almost as overwhelming as filling in that stupid form before. I feel kind of bad with how much I’m pestering my sister lately as it’s not like she had anyone to talk to when she was going through this. And I can’t shake the feeling that, despite how sweet she is to me, that I annoy her with the way I rely on her. But I can’t help it. I can do this alone! It’s scary :x I bought my stationery (which I couldn’t use my brand new student discount on =_=) and headed home.

Come Monday and the first day of induction week. I do sort of start university this week, but not actual classes- more things to make the transition from college to uni easy.

It was another miserable day. Windy and rainy. So glad I bought an umbrella, even if it is not a foldable one so I had to carry it round. It’s the one I bought in Japan, actually. I have a habit of breaking umbrellas within a week of owning it (even on first use!) but this umbrella is incredible. Not only have I not broken it, but it doesn’t invert in strong wind. It is the most invincible umbrella ever.

Anyway, I had a lecture in the morning, just general info, and then this massive two hour long break to spend all on my own, with no company, no money and nothing to do. I had lunch and then planned to check out the student union, as there are events being held there all week. Well, I got there but there were loads of crowds and everyone was with someone else so I quickly walked away, completely frightened and hating myself for it. I am so painfully shy and awkward :( I phoned my sister again, because I was bored and alone (not lonely I tell myself, even as I envied those students who had already found friendship groups and were laughing with others as if making friends was the easiest thing in the world. Why is it so hard for me to interact with other people? With the sympathy which I got from my family I wonder if there is something wrong with me. ) Wondered around the shops a bit, which just killed me mood even more as I saw the perfect items for incredible low prices but couldn’t afford any of it still. I swear going to Japan has made me take a long hard look at the way I dress and I now find myself with an interest in clothes and looking good and girly and mature. It’s wierd and not good rn that I have no money. Anyway, I had one last lecture before I finally could go home.

It was kind of a long and boring day, and I didn’t make any friends. Which I didn’t care about until I told my sister, and she was like in this weirdly sympathetic tone “it’s ok! It will happen eventually! It will!” and then my mom and even my aunt had similar reactions. Um…OK? I take it as a bad thing that the only social interaction was when I couldn’t find the lecture hall and I overheard these two guys in front of me asking somebody about the foundation year and I chased after them and we exchanged names and even shook hands. That was it. I was pretty proud for being friendly to those two, but when I think about it it’s nothing in the long run. I can’t even remember their names now. I guess the feeling of being very much alone in this really brought my mood down too. It is kind of awful being in a room of hundreds of strangers, whilst adjusting to a new environment. It’s all sorts of overwhelming. and then getting my timetable and realising I am in for about 2 or 3 days a week…but I am expected to do about 20 hours outside of that a week. It was just overwhelming.

This year is going to be tough. I knew that, I knew it as soon as I decided to be an Engineer. But it really hit me when I saw my timetable and listened to the lectures. I wonder if I’ll make it through this year, and how. I hate myself for feeling so dejected already. (Though admiteddly, I am mainly in a terrible mood because I don’t feel well. )

The train ride home was nice and quiet. I listened to music and forced myself to read. I get travel sickness, but due the fact I have 3 hours total time on the train a day coming up I want to be able to do work or read or something, so not to waste the time. For that to happen I must overcome the sickness. I found myself feeling a little queasy, but I dealt with it OK. I will get over it.

I had today off, which I spent sleeping, and reading this amazing original fic called Captive Prince. (Go read it, it’s awesome. ) I’ve only got to go in on Thursday next. Wish me luck~

So school has started a lot of people. It’s weird, because for me it’s still holidays. On Monday I was walking with my sister to the train station and I saw all the kids in their uniforms walking back from school and I realised I was never going to be them again. In a way I already wasn’t them. I’ve spent the past year in 6th form, where already it was different from them but the 6th form was still part of the same school so it wasn’t that different. I realised I was never going to have to struggle through every kind of weather to walk the familiar route to and back school, never going to study certain subjects or have the same teachers. On one hand it was like HAHAHA SUCKERS (I hated high-school and 6th form. I hated the school, most of my teachers, my subjects, and I didn’t really like some of my friends either. I hated that place and that time of my life and am glad to get away from it, in a way). On the other it’s pretty scary. No way do I feel that grown up. I’m still petrified about this whole going to university thing and it’s only getting worst as the days pass by.

I feel more sorry for my sister though. If she gets into her last year of university then she’ll be graduating next year. That has got to be terrifying. (To be honest I haven’t quite gotten used to the fact that my sister is getting closer and closer to being a ‘grown up’ either.)

So yes, let my use the “school” tag for the last time today. From now on, I guess I need a “university” tag…

“I want to be as empty as the sky”

A collection of random thoughts and not-very-major events for today:

— My dad is currently on a business trip to south Africa. He left last night. I never ever wake up for him, because he leaves at like 4am but last night was different. Last night I went to bed at 1:30am, though I had wanted to keep reading longer I tore myself away from my book and switched my light off. At 3am comes a knock at the door. I am just falling asleep, in that nice place where you’re not quite asleep but rested and comfortable. I waited for someone to get it but nobody got it and then the phone rang. So I blearily got up to answer it, and turns out it was my sister outside home from the party she went to last night. I had no choice but to drift downstairs to go answer the door. My dads alarms went off 10 minutes later and thus everyone was up and I was completely awake. I went back to bed but quickly realised there was no way in hell I was falling back to sleep. Went downstairs where my mom was sitting on the couch, and my sister and dad were at the table eating cheesecake. I ended up joining them; despite the little voice in my head telling me that there was no way that it was going to be digested. Straight to the hips. the voice in my head told me, but I ate anyway and in the end I felt sick (served me right really). There was something strange and surreal about gathering together at 3am to eat cheesecake. I was so tired but at the same time so awake. It felt like I should go and eat breakfast, even though I’d slept barely an hour my brain still registered that it had been asleep, and now it was awake and light and thus time to begin my day. My dad left at 4am and it must have the first time that all three of us (my mom, my sister and me) were there to say good bye to him. And you know what I might as well have continued reading before, because I ended up reading until 4am when my dad left, and then until 4:30am after that. I went to bed at 4:30am and eventually fell asleep, waking up at 2pm this afternoon. I feel perfectly crap. I have such a bad headache :x

— Tried to bake a carrot cake this afternoon and it turned out horribly. It tasted like earwax, and I wish I was joking but I’m not. It was the most gross cake ever. It could be seen as an achievement that it was that bad. This cake is the sort you’d use on variety shows to test endurance. It wasn’t even edible. My pride was bruised, I got even more pissed than I already was (I have been in a bad mood all day; see above) and thus I set out to bake another cake, one I knew would turn out good. It came out the oven now and it seems edible. My pride is still somewhat damaged due to the unfortunate carrot cake incidence but I am reassured: I am not a bad baker, I just can’t make carrot cake to save a life. Also I saved my mother a piece of the unfortunate carrot cake (threw the rest way) and I warned her, to eat it and get it over with because it is so terrible but she is saving it for tomorrow. Tomorrow holds an unpleasant surprise for my mother…

— I start university in a week. ONE WEEK. I am all sorts of petrified. My sister is home at the moment so I did get a chance to ask her what I’d need, which means I no longer need to panic about not having the right stationery (these are the sorts of things I panic about, yes) but I still feel all AHHHHH I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING about it all. I’ve never been to university before, obviously, so I have no idea what to expect. Also I’m studying engineering. ENGINEERING. It’s what I want to do but that doesn’t make it any less daunting. I am so worried :/ Also there is that whole little thing called interacting with new people. I am shy and awkward and I make weird not-funny-at-all jokes and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind when nervous (and I get nervous when surrounded by people I don’t know so put two and two together and you can imagine what peoples first impression of me would be). I most likely won’t be able to join any clubs or societies either because I am not living in Liverpool, which puts another damper on any social life I might gain. I am so nervous about the social aspect as well as the academic side of things. :( Also I have gotten into the routine of going to bed at 1am and getting up at 10am. This is not good. I will most likely have to wake up 6am to get to Liverpool for 9am, which means going to bed at 22pm. Very much so different from how things are now. I don’t know how I will cope with the new schedule :| I just don’t know how I will cope full stop. I AM PETRIFIED. Only one week now D: