I am tired of waiting for disaster.

So I have now been home for just over a week. My dad picked me up as usual and somehow managed to get everything into the car once again, even though I seem to have more stuff each time. Like always, it was altogether very tiring. Packing takes a lot of time, and then there is the trying to get it all into the car so there’s still space for two people, and finally after all that there’s still the long drive back in the dark. We stopped at ASDA on the way home, and seeing so I had my duvet on my lap, I stretched out across the front seats as best I could, covered myself in my duvet, and promptly fell asleep. My dad came back, tapped on the window, and freaked me out quite a lot. :| Once home I couldn’t even go to sleep as my parents friends were coming over- so I ended up staying up until 2am, sorting out my stuff, then taking a long, very hot, shower before finally going to bed.  Over the weekend my parent’s friends came to visit, which was annoying, as I really wanted a weekend to myself and the whole staying up until 2am so the house was ready for them thing. Then again, I decided to be a rude bitch and slept through most of the weekend anyway, and spent a lot of time in my room even when not asleep. I was just so tired out from uni. It was good to be home though.

Since then I have…not done very much. I have slipped into the usual routine of the holidays- sleeping in very late, spending a lot of time doing not a lot. Its comfortable being at home, although after a week now its perhaps sometimes annoying seeing so I now have my parents around me again and therefore not as much privacy as coming home to my own room, locking the door, and being able to be well and truly by myself. The rules are different at home; they aren’t my own. I’ve also tried to do some revision, but it’s difficult to concentrate and it’s hard. I’ve complained enough about my degree though so I’ll spare you any of the usual.

I have been out once- I went into Manchester with my sister on Saturday. She took me to a Japanese restaurant in China Town which had freakishly friendly service (I’m awkward and I don’t know how to deal with strangers being so nice :/) and rather good food. I had ramen for the first time! It tasted like Ramyun? I would have thought there would be some difference? I had Ramyun before and it was unbearably spicy. This Ramen was thankfully not as spicy, but still way too much. But it was good! Next time I’ll go for the udon or the curry though :x After that we had an hour to kill, which we did, and we ended up getting lost on our way to go see Phantom of the Opera next. We got there a few minutes late but thankfully we were let in and didn’t miss much. The show was amazing. Just flew by, despite my sisters earlier complaints that it would be too long. It wasn’t. In fact, the ending was a little abrupt. I turned to my sister and was like “That’s it?!”. :/ The “limited leg room” advertised with our seats was very true though. So cramped, I could just about fit but not entirely comfortably. And what is with people talking and rustling sweet wrappers throughout the show? Why pay £20+ to see a show when you aren’t even going to watch it, and disturb every one around you?! ¬_¬ Afterwards shopped a little, ate doughnuts and then went home. It was a good day all in all.

Now? I don’t really have any plans for the next few weeks apart from lazing around the house. So exciting. :|

This entry is a little blah. But that’s my mood right now- listless, bored, and unmotivated. Still not in a good place but I’m trying, I’m trying just keep going. Everything is going to be OK. Everything will be OK. If I keep telling myself that it will be all right, yeah?


I went home on the weekend. Well, on Friday night. Skipped the second part of my Friday afternoon lecture so I could get an early bus and not have to rush around. Of course I was still late and didn’t get the early bus, and the next bus came late so I ended up running to the train station with my anaemia and my heavy bags but I managed to print out my tickets and run down to the platform and get on my train. Felt like dying, and there was no place to sit, and I was frankly a little miserable but I was going home. My dad picked up from the train station and we went grocery shopping (where I went crazy getting my dad to buy all the things I wanted to eat XD) before heading home. I had been woken up at 6:20am on Friday morning because of a fire alarm so by the time I got home I was exhausted. And also cold because it was really warm last week here at uni, but of course it was freezing at home. And I did not bring nearly enough clothes, not even a coat D:

On Saturday I somehow ended up at Old Trafford, freezing cold and exhausted, to watch my sister zipwire across the stadium. Not even joking. I was miserable, but it was her birthday and she had fun so I can’t complain too much. It was my first time being there too, and it was pretty cool. Amazing how big it is. Afterwards headed home and just did some work, chilled out a bit. And then spent the majority of Sunday baking. Mixed up some cake for my sister because I can’t bake carrot cake to save my life, and made butter cream icing for the first time which was surprisingly good. We sang happy birthday to her, complete with lighting up candles for her to blow out, and then ate cake. Then it became a bit hectic as I had to pack and go back again. The journey was quite and didn’t involve quite so much rushing, thankfully.

It was a good weekend. I paid for the time off though as I had to stay up until 1am on Sunday finishing off coursework due Monday, and then on Monday spent the break between morning lectures and afternoon lectures polishing up said coursework, rushing to library to print it off and ended up handing in the coursework 5 minutes before the deadline D: But it was good to go home and to relax and to eat nice things and to see my cat.

Alas, I don’t know why but I’ve somehow ended up with a stupid cold. Most likely from being inappropriately dressed in cold weather at Old Trafford, which makes me feel like such a dumb manga heroine. You know those ones who get the flu from like getting caught in the slightest drizzle? Yeah.  I’ve been lying down for the past 6 hours watching OB GYN doctors on my laptop Its not a good drama, but its addictive as hell and its serving as a nice distraction. I feel like passing out. I’m dizzy and my head hurts and I generally feel quite sorry for myself. Coping with illness is not something I am good at. I should probably do my work now though so I can get into bed. I think I need an early night.

But a part of me sometimes wants

In the last entry I was packing up and about to leave halls. Let me continue from there.

Packing up took ages. My dad came fairly late, and we ended up only finishing up and leaving at about half ten, eleven-ish. The car was pretty full, but this meant I got to have a duvet on my lap for the entire journey back which wasn’t so bad (read: gloriously warm). We stopped at McDonalds on the way back and I was all :D :D :D whilst my dad was clearly just trying to stay awake. It was surreal coming back home- a little bit because I had gotten kind of used to uni, but mostly for the silly reason that it had been snowing at home whilst at uni there had been no snow. At first there was just a light dusting but arriving home there was a thick layer of snow on the ground. It was unexpected :o Unpacking took a much shorter time and I was soon curled up in my own bed. The next day involved lots of organising and lots of washing, and then soon it became the usual of sitting around wasting time. I was home.

And time has just flown past since then. I can’t believe I’m now on the last few weeks of my Christmas break. I have spent the last few weeks sleeping until ridiculous hours, taking forever to get ready for the day just because I can, attempting to revise but mostly failing at it and lazing about taking advantage of having unlimited internet to watch lots of dramas. It’s been wonderful being able to sleep in every morning, to have a long hot mould-free shower, to eat whatever I want and when I want it, to have my cat around me. Of course my room is in chaos right now, with boxes and bags everywhere waiting to be packed up again, but that’s to be expected. I don’t go out much, so I can leave most of it packed.

Christmas itself was fairly quiet and uneventful. My sister invited two of her Chinese friends to spend Christmas with our family. They were polite and kind and it was a lot less awkward than I had feared it would be. It’s actually very interesting to be around people from such a vastly different culture than yourself. For Christmas I got some awesome presents, ate a lot of awesome food, played monopoly with my sister and her friends and lost miserably… all fairly ordinary and nice.

New years was not as nice as Christmas. It wasn’t bad, but it was awkward and exhausting and I wish I’d spent it at home with my parents and my cat and the internet. I actually spent new years with my old school friends and I was dreading it from the moment I agreed to go, and I can’t say it defied my expectations. Most of said friends I’ve only once or twice since we left school, if that. And we don’t have much in common and they are all so much more mature than me. They’re all second years, with houses, with busy lives and normal hobbies that are not watching Asian dramas or fangirling over fucking Korean boy bands with too many members. It wasn’t so bad, but I felt awkward and out of place. No, I’ve always felt awkward and out of place around them, and its only gotten worse. I was ready to leave by about midnight but ended up only getting home around 2am because I had to wait for my one friend to be able to take me back. :/ I am fairly sure I said some things I shouldn’t, and did some things I shouldn’t, because I always do.

I can’t say I feel particularly excited about the New Year either, which probably contributed to my melancholy at the New Year ‘s party. All the new year really means is that I now have exams in just two weeks. That I have to go back to university in two weeks and deal with all that stress again. I’ve enjoyed the past few weeks, but I think these next two weeks aren’t going to be nearly as relaxing. Now comes the part where every day exams creep closer, and every day is filled with anxiety about said exams. Here comes the regret for not being productive enough, for wasting time. I have been trying to revise but I honestly don’t feel like I’m really taking anything in. Which is maybe worse. Because I’m trying here, but still I’m not sure I’ll ever get to the level I need to be to achieve the things I want. I want to get good grades, but I just…I just don’t think I can do it. I honestly don’t think I am capable of getting the marks I want and I fear these exams will turn out my A levels, and that is not a good thing.

It’s heart-breaking to grow to want something, want it so much, when you’ll probably never get it.

I should end this entry on a more positive note, shouldn’t I? A belated merry Christmas, and happy new years to anyone who reads this blog. May the next year be awesome for you :D

Take the light inside you like a blessing, like a knee in the chest, holding onto it and not letting it go. Now let it go.

University internet is painfully slow. My super fast intent at home has ruined me and I hate having to actually wait for pages to load! And yes, I am writing this sat in my new room in university halls. The summer holiday passed me by completely- spent mainly lazing around watching dramas and mindlessly surfing the internet. I did venture out for a trip to IKEA with my dad, and to Liverpool to go shopping (and a little reminiscing about the time I spent there), and to Manchester to meet with my sister and do even more shopping. Apart from that, nothing much. I also took a long break from the social network side of the internet- no blogging, or twitter, nothing. It was painfully boring, sitting around doing nothing, but relaxing and I knew then I’ll miss it and I know now I miss it. This whole moving business crept up on me in a way, sitting around at home it seemed so far away but then suddenly it was today and I was sitting in car piled high with all my stuff, driving to a completely new place, to start on a new pathway.

The drive was fairly painless- no traffic at all, so it took about an hour and a half. My dad took me down and we chatted a little, but mainly sat in silence. We did have fun spotting the other cars piled high with stuff on the same route as us. Arriving at the uni I checked in and received an information pack along with my student id and room key. My room was on the first floor, and I went with my dad to check it out before starting to unload my stuff. I was surprised at how large my room was. There is so much space in this place, though who knows how long it will last (of course) My room is at the end of the first floor, so there won’t be too many people walking by which is good. However it’s right next to the bathroom which is good as short distance for me, but bad cos I can hear everyone else going in there. Oh well. My room is large with plenty of space for all my stuff and that’s enough. I helped my dad unload the car. It took about four trips, where of course my dad took everything heavy and I took everything light. Finally everything was in my room. My dad left briefly to go park the car somewhere else and I set about unpacking. My dad came back and settled down to sort out my computer and I continued to unpack and organize all my things. We took a brief break for lunch only. My sister phoned too, and I chatted with her a bit. I finished all my unpacking in about 2 or 3 hours, and then I was left to chat with my dad. It started to hit me around then, that I was going to be all alone in this big room for the next year, in this city away from home, and I only then really began to feel like I could just sit and cry and cry. My dad left at around 3. I walked him to the car and waved him off, then came back to my room to listen to some sad music and I let myself cry, just a little. It’s weird, being in this new space, not having my parents around me, not having my cat around me (I really miss my cat).

I had a talk to attend, and then I came back to my room, then fire drill (where I finally said hello to the girl living in the room opposite me, and we got hopelessly lost coming back to our rooms cos we both suck at directions). Then back to my rooms to mope some more. Then dinner of awkwardness. I had to queue up ages to get my food, only to realize I was tired and sad and didn’t particular feel like eating. I left most of it; I just couldn’t bring myself to eat. The food was OK though, a decent enough choice of things. I sat by myself, opposite some other girl who I had been standing behind in the queue and we hadn’t spoken, so I assumed we could just continue to be around each other and not actually speak. Yeah, pretty awkward. But at least I could eat dinner quietly. Anyway, after supper more moping around. Then I had another talk to attend. On the walk to that talk I actually bumped into another engineering student, who is also in my hall, who is also a girl. I was so surprised, but I think she was too, cos that’s just way too many coincidences you know? Anyway, conversation fizzled out and I sat quietly to wait for the talk to behind. Talk over I came back to my room where I am about to make something to eat, put on my pajamas and watch some FRIENDS before going to bed. Early start tomorrow, and a day packed with lectures.

I am exhausted, a little sad, very terrified, very nervous and worried and maybe a bit excited. Mostly I am a whole bunch of negative emotions rn. This is all very, very scary. It’s just all so different.

“But then I noticed the black sky and all those lights.”

Recently my father informed me that he was arranging for us (us being my family and I) to take a trip back home to South Africa. I am not sure how to feel about this. It is sudden and unexpected and wonderful but utterly terrifying. It’s been about four years since we last been back, maybe five. I’ve lost count. I remember clearly last time sat in the back of my uncles car, staring out at the city lights and the black sky and feeling sad, lonely and lost, thinking that it could possibly be the last time I ever went home, that I ever saw Cape Town again. I wanted to cry, and that journey was painfully slow. I was still struggling not to cry hugging my grandparents goodbye, sitting on the plane heading back to this place. Even now looking out the window seeing the city lights spread out into the distance makes me sad. So it’s amazing that I have the opportunity to go back once more. I vaguely remember last time was good and I’m looking forward to seeing my family again, of course. But at the same time I feel nervous and scared. I don’t know my extended family. I’ve never had the chance to be close to my grandparents, or my uncles or aunts or cousins. I don’t even know how normal relationships with relatives are supposed to be? How do other people view their grandparents? Do other people view their cousins as friends, brothers/sisters, people that they care about but are ultimately annoying? I wouldn’t know. I only see my relatives every 4 or 5 years. I feel scared seeing them again, scared of it being awkward and strange being around them and surely its not supposed to be like that? How are other people with their relatives? I don’t know, I don’t know. I love my relatives I do and I know they love me but I don’t know them, they don’t really know me. They last saw me when I was so young, now I am almost an adult. Is it going to be awkward? It’s going to be awkward isn’t it? I don’t know what to think about going back. I never expected it to happen and now that it is I just don’t know what to feel.

(Also on a purely superficial note it’s always somewhat scary leaving behind the routine, thinking about the fact I cannot laze around comfortably by myself wasting time watching millions of dramas, thinking about having to use someone else’s bathroom, sleeping in a different bed. Its always strange leaving home for a little bit and living in someone else’s house. I always feel like I am interrupting someone else’s life, imposing on them. its not like a hotel where you can run yourself a deep bath knowing the bathtub is clean and your father won’t nag you for wasting water, where you can keep the light on as long as you like and put the TV as loud as you like, that you can be as messy as you like as long as you tidy up in the end. It’s not like you are at home where you can retreat to your room and put your headphones on to shut everything out when you don’t want to talk to anyone, or that you can argue with your parents when they are being irritating. It’s someone else’s home and in a way you must be even more conscious of how you act. And I’m going to have to be surrounded by my family constantly which I’m sad to say, kind of fills me with dread.)

Basically: I’m so, so excited about going on holiday to South Africa this summer but at the same time so very nervous.