feelings – Page 14 – Honest Lies

“I see, I find, I make sure. I stare, I’m fascinated, I’m satisfied, but I look up, I see, I compare. I despise, I stray, I’m abandoned.”

I kinda disappeared again, didn’t I? Well, that’s cos everything is crazy right now. Deadlines have piled up and exams are just around the corner and I am stressed. Very, very stressed. I had a spectacular breakdown the other week – involving lots of chocolate, crying and something else regrettable that I don’t even want to admit. Thankfully I’ve since managed to pull myself back together and am managing to keep myself together but only just. I’m worried sick about my exams. My grades last semester were not good which puts so much pressure on me now to do well. I cannot fall asleep (and subsequently wake up) and I am binge eating like crazy. The hunger won’t go away and I don’t want to deal with the reasons behind it. Lest I end up in another chocolate-crying situation, you know?

Let’s see. As mentioned, university has pretty much taken over my life. Lectures are mostly ended now and just the final few course works to go before exams. In list format:

✖ Maths: Today I had a maths coursework test and it did not go well. The paper wasn’t bad, it was just me. I’ve been working at my maths but I don’t feel like I am making progress. I sit in the library for hours and only get a handful of questions done and I only partly understand what I am doing and I certainly have not memorised everything yet. It’s worrying.

✖ Telecommunications: I am also struggling with telecommunications, even more so than maths. I am actually 100% lost in this subject. Worse, it’s my first exam on the 9th (?) of May which is dangerously close when I do not understand it all. I am trying to study but its very difficult as this university does not provide a lot of resources for independent study. Worse, I have a set of decent notes from university back in the UK, but the UK and Malaysia courses are slightly different, which leaves me still hopelessly unprepared even after going through the UK stuff. I don’t know what to do, and this hopeless, helpless feeling makes me feel so exhausted and sad. My only hope is that I got my friend to agree to help me so there is that. Just over one week to go. I hope for a miracle.

✖ Electronic Engineering: This is going all right, thankfully. I think I’d be going crazy (more so) if there wasn’t one subject I enjoy and can just about manage, and did I mention enjoy? It makes such a difference to studying when you’re actually interested in the subject. My dad is also able to go through the parts of that I don’t understand, being an electrical engineer himself who knows that subject very well which makes a huge difference. Between the great UK notes (thankfully these two courses/exams are aligned between countries unlike telecomms) and my dad I am managing to study and make progress. Course works however are a bit iffy. I handed in one of my course works for that last Friday and I don’t think it was my best work. I think I left it quite late. I also have a deadline for that tomorrow and I don’t think I’ve done very well there either. I hope I can succeed on the exam at least. Although I do mostly understand it, there is a lot to remember and questions can be hard to interpret- and I am not very good at exams anyway. I have a tendency to panic and then misinterpret questions and forget my basics. Which is worrying always but especially for this exam where questions are lengthy and the information carries through.

✖ Professional skills for engineers. aka THAT module. I had a major deadline for that last week which was a group project- and it was awful. I was stuck in a group with some really horrible, immature people. I was told to work on the flyer portion of the project. So I spent my entire Saturday doing that and then some, only to be told that I was not supposed to be working on the flyer (even though I had emailed my group twice to confirm this was what I was supposed to be doing and got confirmation that it was!) and should do some research for the poster portion instead. They gave me one day to complete my new task, and its not like I have anything else to be doing now is there? I was not pleased to be in this group and I was not pleased with the subject we were doing but I was prepared to put in the work. But they were determined to keep me out. From picking the subject to doing the work they kept me in the dark for everything and worse, they let me waste my time doing work I should not have done by simply ‘forgetting’ to tell me. Yeah right. They could not give a damn. They did not want me in their group and they could not even be adult enough to put those feelings aside. ¬____¬

There is now just one deadline left for that subject- another individual presentation, this time to a larger group and two lecturers, and 15 minutes in length. Mine is currently just 5 minutes in length. Yeah. It goes not well. I’m doing about renewable energy in Sub-Saharan Africa (excluding South Africa) and its fascinating and there’s lots of resources, which means I’m having to read paper after paper to get the information I need and I find it difficult to concentrate on that kind of heavy research when I’m stressed. I am also not looking forward to presenting on Monday, obviously, as the last one went terrifically wrong and that was only a small group. In short: I hate this module.

✖ Electrical Engineering Design Project aka the module I never talk about. I don’t think I put enough work into this project. The last lab session was this Wednesday which involved demonstrating the circuits and handing in the logbooks. I am not confident about my logbook, as I did not pay enough attention during labs and hardly had much clue of what was going on it was difficult to write about. My own fault, really. I really should have put more effort in here, as this project is probably the best preparation for the large group project next year. On the other hand- my group for this project were wonderful. Supportive, helpful, always making sure to include me (and communicate with me so I know where I am at). It really makes so much difference to a project who you work with.

Talking of next year… I get to choose my modules! Which sounded exciting until I actually had to choose them. It’s actually quite nerve wracking. I’m going to start specializing which means I have to choose modules based on what I want to do. I want to go into energy generation/renewables I know, but I am not entirely sure modules are good for this, and the person I emailed has not replied. Either way my current list is: a maths module (ordinary differential equations or partial differential equations), electronic design, solid state devices, electrical machines, power networks and power electronic design. Alongside three compulsory modules control systems design, field waves and antennas and the group project. The group project sounds terrifying- its worth around 30 credits and its pretty much independent. I don’t feel prepared for that. Also: I cannot take a language module next year which sucks. I really hate having to pay an extra £200 to take a language at university. But I have no choice as I’m doing engineering, which is one of the most inflexible and time consuming degree there is. In retrospect, I guess its my fault for choosing engineering. XD

Thats the state of things at university. Apart from that, Planning for Japan is the only other thing filling my time. It is going very well, almost too well. I’m scared that its going to be “the best laid plans” situation, and that things are going to go horrendously wrong. In my remaining time I spend copious amounts of mindlessly surfing the internet and spending too much (day) time asleep. Student life. So exciting, as usual. I’m very aware that I have very little time in Malaysia and I should be trying to get into KL to do some touristy things, but I am so busy and stressed and exhausted. After exams I should be able to do some sight seeing, hopefully. For now until exams are done, studying and being stressed over it are all that will make up my life :(

Lastly some site notices: I changed the layout! I’m not 100% happy with it though but I was sick of the other one so… Also there will be no book post for April. I’ve not been reading as I need my money for food and Japan, and I don’t have time/the ability to concentrate anyway. I will either post a combined april/may book post or just skip april and possibly may, depending on what happens. Sorry!

mood: stressed
Post Title: Hamasaki Ayumi - Connected

The One With the Diet

Man, the last entry was a little bit emotional wasn’t it? I think this one is also going to be a confused, rambling sort. I think that is generally my state of mind right now. Confused. Overwhelmed. Conflicted. Well, whatever. Let me get on with it.

I woke up naturally at 9am today, which was disorienting, as I’d gone to bed at 5am. I remember having bad dreams. I don’t know what they were about. But I woke up feeling slightly disturbed and not at all tired, as if afraid to fall asleep again. I decided that since I was up and about I might as well do something with my day. I’d planned to go shopping earlier in the week, then ditched the plan yesterday, and impulsively at 9am today I decided that yeah I totally would. I had convinced myself I really would like those items I saw last week, so off I went, slightly nervous as how KL would be on a public holiday.

Turns out, just like usual. Maybe a tiny bit more crowded but not as bad as I was expecting. I even got a seat on the sky train.

I went to H&M first and typically the top I had been eyeing was itchy and looked awful on me. Most other things were like that too. Shopping is so often like that, isn’t it? Either its the wrong price, material, color, pattern, fit… the list goes on. I ended up with a couple of basic t shirts (and again, my credit card did not work, meaning I had to wander around for 20 minutes looking for an ATM to draw money. ARGH) I then headed on to Sephora, where I bought a couple of items. One I had been wanting for a while and was pleased to get, the other was an impulse born from my anger and frustration over my money situation and my stress over everything in general right now and I really think I could have done without it. Somewhere between the mess with my credit card and sephora I seemed to have decided fuck budgeting, fuck dieting, fuck everything and set myself on a dangerous course of an impulsive, emotion driven shopping binge.

Heading away from Sephora, I went into pavilion and down to a donut shop on the bottom floor I’d seen last week and had been eyeing then. I was going to buy one donut, but of course I bought six. And I so badly wanted coffee…so I got one. I felt a thrill of pleasure when I sat down to enjoy them but that did not last. I’d broken my diet, wasted precious money, for no reason at all.

Oh yes, I mentioned a diet did I not? That is, I’m currently aiming to cut out almost all dairy from my diet. Yep, you read that right. Me, the one with the sweet tooth who lives off cake and chocolate. However I read once, or maybe I was told, that dairy is often a cause of eczema. Which is something I suffer from badly, and have done so long enough to warrant the motivation to begin such extreme diet change.

I went into this diet without much thought, right back at the beginning of last summer. I stopped buying milk and bought rice milk instead. I bought plain vanilla soya milk to replace the loss of greek yogurt. I stopped eating cheese sauce with my pasta, and had tomato based sauces instead. I still ate bread and cake, with the plan being I’d reduce the amount of dairy first, allowing traces, to get used to it, to test it out, before really committing to it. And then I came to Malaysia, university started up again and together these two things made it hard to do even that. I was travelling and experiencing new cultures, I did not want to think about dieting! So I let myself break the rules on holiday. I was stressed and I wanted chocolate! So I had chocolate.

Today, I went and I bought myself six cream filled donuts and a creme brulee coffee that was half cream. The first sip was heavenly, the first bite delightful, but by the time I was finished the coffee and two of the donuts I felt nauseous. That’s the thing that also prompted me to accept this diet as something I should do for my overall well being, not just try out for the sake of my skin. That is: I’ve possibly always been slightly intolerant to dairy, actually. I love milkshakes, but I’ve not been allowed to drink them since I was small because they’d make me ill. I also have never been able to stomach omelets or too much egg in other forms. I could not tolerate rich, creamy deserts. I rarely ate yogurt, and when I did I had only a small spoonful with dry cereal, because I could not tolerate it otherwise. I could only ever eat mild cheeses like red Leicester and Gloucester, others made me feel ill. When I ate cheesy pasta for supper I enjoyed it but I could only manage half the portion of my sister, and I always felt off afterwards. I never recognised it though, that thing that was staring me in the face. The feeling that I’d eaten something wrong for me. I like cheese and yogurt and milk and cream. I like these things. But I have to accept they actually do not agree with me. I felt so ill today. I still feel ill.

And somewhere along the line I had accepted that ill feeling for full. That’s the problem, right there. I never feel full anymore. I always want to snack. I don’t know how to recognise when I’ve eaten enough anymore, because I often stopped once I felt ill. Oh if I eat enough food then I’ll know. When I went to morganfields and had clearly more food than I could stomach I felt full but in a borderline ill, over stuffed kind of way. But I don’t always want to be eating these huge portions to end up feeling completely over stuffed to know that yes, I’ve had enough. More than that, I’m wanting to snack because I crave the foods I should be working to cut out- fatty, heavy(for me) junk like pizza, chocolate, cake, donuts, even a glass of hot…well cold chocolate is dairy. If I eat properly, and follow the diet, I do not feel satisfied. and without a proper kitchen nor the equipment to make substitutes, well…

Reducing dairy is making me face my issues with food head on and its..uncomfortable, to realise the extent of these issues. I am an emotional eater and it really is very bad. I have a tendency to think I’m hungry when I’m bored/stressed/emotional and I tend to crave fatty, heavy foods, to want to eat until I feel ill, exactly like what too much dairy does to me. Too much rich, creamy chocolate or cake. I want to enjoy the sweet things I like, rather than mindlessly stuff myself full of them until I literally cannot take another bite because I don’t even know… it just makes me feel good. I love that sugar high, too. the combinational sugar high and caffeine high is even better. gosh, after I’d had that coffee I had so much energy. I went and browsed around the mall some, ended up in a cute accessories shop and it was there I realized I was running out of money. Disappointed, I spent an unfortunate amount of time umming and ahhing over the three sets of accessories I wanted and finally settled on one. Then I went to find an ATM to see if my card would let me take anything more from it. It did not and I was disappointed. in retrospect,I am so glad. I could have continued for many more hours, wasting my money. Well, not necessarily wasting. But there is a difference between seeing something and analysing clearly Do I need this or do I just want it? Is it worth the price? Will it last? What can I wear it with? Rather than just seeing something going want and ending up being blinded by that want. It’s the same with the diet. Its one thing continuing to eat bread with the traces of milk, and another thing to set out to have something as dairy-filled as possible.

Today was a day of reckless, thoughtless spending. Breaking the budget, breaking the diet. In many ways I had a lovely day, so maybe today was something I needed, maybe I woke up today so I could have this one crazy day to let my emotions drive me, and so get them out. But I’m still left disappointed in myself. I’m going to have to do better than this.

Just, no more binging. Man, just no more binging.

I should be optimistic though. I have plans, goals. With the diet, that is. I think once I’m back in the UK it will be better. I’ve already wish-listed a bunch of world war two cookbooks (mock dairy products and dairy free cakes!) and vegan cookbooks and this summer I’m looking forward to learning how to bake my own dairy free bread, making my own granola bars and experimenting with egg free cakes. I should be able to introduce some dairy free sweet treats into my diet that will do something about these cravings and still be relatively healthy too.

I am disappointed in what I did today, but I do not want to beat myself up about it. I don’t want to get obsessive with this diet. More than that, I want to enjoy this. I want to do this and to enjoy it. It should be possible. I gave up using shampoo easily enough, after two years it has become habit. Once you replace your old bad habits with good ones its hard to notice the difference- habit is habit, after all. But this is much bigger than just giving up one product. This is giving up so much. I want pizza and ice cream and yes, more coffee and donuts. But I must not. Even so, I have to remember that I am still easing into this. Its too difficult to properly do this non-dairy thing under the circumstances of student halls, and I am living abroad, so the rules can be lax. As long as they don’t completely relax like today.

It’s late now. I should probably try and get some sleep, although my mind still feels wide awake. Big surprise there.

Listening To: Namie Amuro - GO ROUND (DJ AMAYA vs GROOVEBOT REMIX)

“Will the moon understand my loneliness? Wonder if the stars understand my scars.”

Yesterday actually turned out to be a lovely day. I had one lecture in the afternoon, so I slept in and took my time to get ready. Once I got to lecture my friend told me he’d pick me up later, which was very helpful, then went off before I could ask him to be just a little bit more specific. I managed to get his attention after the lecture and he told me he’ll pick me up in 15 minutes. Ok, so I was no expecting such a small time frame. I rushed back to halls and threw everything into my handbag and only just noticed he’d texted me that he was already there. 5 minutes early. Typical. I rushed out and met him outside halls and then we drove to the mall. We chatted the whole way and it wasn’t awkward, you know. It was actually quite nice. i mean, I did say some things that made me go fuck self, really but not as bad I can get. Nothing mortifying. At the mall we went and ate supper- subway sandwiches, and he bought us these Chinese sesame snacks which were very tasty. The one had a peanut filling, and the other had something called lotus(?) in them. I have no idea what that is. Poor guy could not explain in English either XD We finished just on time for the movie. By this time I was nervous…because he kept telling me we were going to see a horror movie, after I told him I’d watch anything but horror. Oh I knew he was joking, but I wasn’t quite sure. Thankfully, It turned out to be a action movie. He seemed greatly amused at my relief. ¬__¬ It was a terrible movie, but in a fun way. We giggled and whispered to each other throughout which only made it more entertaining. Its also really weird and interesting that in this country they blank out the audio every time a character swears, which makes for an intriguing movie experience!

Once the movie was over, my friend drove me back to halls, and we still talked and I was actually still managing to not make a fool of myself.

I think though… I think I’m more socially awkward when you first meet me. If you get through the initial “did she really just say what I thought she said?” and bouts of uncomfortable silence as you wait for me to respond, and don’t make a HUGE DEAL of the fact that I am shy, then its actually ok. It’s just, most people don’t get past the shyness, or make a huge deal out of and make me feel even more uncomfortable than I already probably am. (seriously, if someone is shy don’t draw attention to it, please? it’s like saying well, this is awkward and effectively making it more so) There are so few people who will stick around. Who will make an effort to get past and to accept the silences, the offishness and the awkwardness, and see the other parts of my personality. I’d like to think that I am more than just shy and awkward, that underneath that there is something worth getting to know. :( But there are few who will take my personality just as it is, and accept it. I cannot believe this person seems to have.

Anyway, I had a lovely time. You know , this was the first time I went outside of uni with someone I met at uni? And it wasn’t nerve wracking. I came back and I wasn’t exhausted, just really relaxed and happy, because I had been exactly myself. That sounds weird, but I have such trouble trusting people that I am constantly putting up walls, getting anxious, and I rarely relax and be myself. I always look forward to seeing my sister or my best friend, as they have always been the only ones that I can let my guard down around, and that is such a fucking relief you know. it feels so wonderful jut to be myself for even a few hours and not to have to worry about it. in this case, not have to worry too much. I’m not entirely trusting this person yet. Really, it makes me terrified to think I am beginning to trust them, because I don’t want to. I want to put my walls back up and stay hidden behind them, always. I have been hurt before, and I don’t want to be hurt again. And it also makes me so, so sad that I’d have to make someone I would sorta call a friend here. Although I sometimes think to myself I’m ready to leave Malaysia, sometimes I do think I don’t want to leave. I’m conflicted, basically. There are definitely some things I will miss about here. I have begun to feel slightly settled here.

That’s the thing about studying abroad for a year. It is that you go for a year, which gives you the safety of a return ticket, but you are going for a year, which gives you plenty of time to settle, then having to leave just as you think to yourself, yeah, I’m doing OK here. And I do miss things about the UK. When I get frustrated or down its reassuring to think about going back. But at the same time I don’t like the UK. I’ve never felt like I fit there. It’s never felt right. It’s not my home and I’ve never thought of it such. I don’t know. Maybe when I go back the time away will have uncovered some fondness for the country?

Its just, more than that,I am dreading going to university for third year back in the UK. I did not make any friends in first year, and by third year everyone will be in pretty solid friendship groups. Where am I going to fit in? I did not fit in the first time, after all. I’m too shy, I don’t drink and I don’t go clubbing and in the UK if you don’t do those things, making friends becomes infinitely harder. Almost too hard to bother. I have a huge group project next year and I worry. Who will I be with? Will I get on with them? It’s wierd. I have been in a different university every single year for the past three years, and now I am returning to the same one as first year. Just.. it makes me nervous.

And I do feel sad that I’m probably never going to see, or speak to, these friends I’ve begin to make here ever again. :( I want to onto onto these friendships somehow, even though I’m not sure if they are actually friendships, if I’m not making a big deal out of nothing (as I tend to do, admiteddly). I don’t know. Just, I had so much fun yesterday. And studying in the libary. Sitting whispering to each other in lectures. All these small things I’ve never had in my foundation or first year of uni. All these tiny little social interactions that I did not think I needed or would enjoy, but I do. I do.

It’s always on my mind now. Just two months to go. I cannot believe how quickly the time is going. I’m starting to get really scared. About my last bunch of exams, about going to Japan, and finally, going back to the UK. It’s just happening so quickly.

Post Title: Outsider- Acquaintance
mood: hungry

The Big Holiday

So, its March already. Lets blame the fact that February was ridiculously short on the fact that the book post is not up and not on the fact that I am terrifically lazy, OK?

Anyway.

The day before yesterday my hearing came back! I would just like to point out that: I was right.

Yesterday, my sister turned 24. Speaking on the phone to my mother, she remarked that next year my sister would be the age my mother was when she (my sister) was born. :o Its kind of strange to think I have a sister in her mid twenties. Its kind of strange to think that actually, I’ll be 21 soon. Its cliche, but I really do not feel that…not old, not even grown up, I guess lets just keep it simple and say that age.

This weekend in its entirety, when I have not been asleep, I have been busy ignoring my actual work and instead planning a trip to Japan in June. Technically, I’ve been thinking about this trip since I accepted my offer of studying abroad. I knew I would be going to Japan and that I would not accept just a short weekend away. No, it would be my Big Holiday after uni has ended and before I returned to the UK. of course, dreaming is different from actual planning. That has been very stressful. But plane tickets and hotels have been booked now so its definitely happening. I leave Malaysia on the 31st of May, spend 13 days in Japan, and arrive back in the UK on the 14th of June. I can say that i am very looking forward to Japan and not looking forward to going back to the UK in the slightest. But lets focus on the positive- JAPAN!! I cannot believe I am actually being able to spend such a long time there. Honestly at one point I was wondering if I could afford to go at all, but I focused and thought it through and budgeted and ended up being able to realize my dreams of a Big Long Holiday. 13 days! I shall be spending 2 nights in Tokyo, where I will visit Kamakura and Yokohama too, followed by 5 nights (5!) based in Aomori, where I shall be visiting Hirosaki, Lake Towada, and Mutsu too, then I’ll go up to Sapporo, stopping at the Onuma Quasi national park on the way, and once in Sapporo I will also be checking out Otaru and either Furano, Lake Utonai or Lake Toya. THEN , yes there is even more, I’ll be coming back down to Tokyo, making a brief stop in Hakodate along the way, and once in Tokyo I’ll have just one more morning there so I can like, not miss my flight, but also go to odaiba to the museum of emerging science WHICH HAS ROBOTS. actual, human robots. ahem. Also, my last hotel in Tokyo has its own Aquarium, which I have got to see.

Of course, trying to fit so many places into as short a time as possible has meant the planning of this holiday has been a total pain. Yesterday I was up until 3.30am trying to put together an itinerary. This was not the first time I have spent hours trawling through the Internet looking for information but it was the first time I did not just give up out of despair. The sheer number of things to do in Tokyo alone is staggering. I was panicking for a while, worried about so many things, struggling to figure out what I wanted to do and how to fit it all together in a logical way, and most importantly, trying to decide what I could afford to do. Japan is not exactly cheap. And I have been living in Malaysia for the past year. Planning this holiday, I have been made to realise the extent that living in this part of the world has ruined me. I have gotten so used to paying near nothing for food, transport and accommodation that I have completely forgotten how the rest of the world works. Especially places like Japan. During the dreaming stage of this holiday I had been feeling pretty cocky. I had a good chunk of money- so I could do anything, right? Wrong. A big amount of money in Malaysia does not equal a big amount of money in Japan. I began to doubt my sizable chunk was enough. And that was when I began to doubt I could go at all. I did not want that though and so I made various plans based on different budgets and tried to convince myself to choose the cheapest one.

Yet, I ended up ditching those and going with the original, expensive plan.

At the end of the day, as much as I do want to and will try to visit Japan again even after this trip, I feel like I should act like this is my last trip and I should just go for it and do what I want to do. That is, I’ve always wanted to go to Northern Japan. Sure, it would be cheaper just to spend a few days in Tokyo but I really wanted to just get on a train and head up and keep going. Even for my first trip to Japan I wanted to go to Hokkaido and I was bitterly disappointed when I could not fit it in. Oh, my last trip to Japan was wonderful- I am so glad I saw Nagoya and Kyoto, but that did nothing to change the fact that I wanted to see northern Japan, and see all the gorgeous, dramatic scenery it had to offer. of course, Northern Japan is quite far out from Tokyo, and its not the biggest tourist hub. Its been a struggle to find information in English, and it will be difficult up there without knowing Japanese. It will be expensive. I’ll probably end up embarrassing myself. Maybe I’ll get lost. But living abroad has given me a sort of crazy courage when it comes to making a fool of oneself in foreign countries. I think the fact that this is not my first time travelling abroad myself, like the first time I went to Japan, will also help me have courage to really experience things and not shy away for such a silly reason as its difficult. difficult does not mean impossible.* And yes, its expensive but as it turns out, now that I’ve actually sat down and looked at costs instead of panicking about it all, my sizable chunk is actually just about enough.

honestly, this weekend of stressful planning has been totally worth it. Its all coming together so well. I still have so much to do but look at all those places I am going! This is pretty much exactly the holiday I had been dreaming of for years, now booked and ready for me to undertake it. How awesome is that? How lucky am I? And yes, I do say that in a smug sort of way. I kind of want university out of the way with so I can be there already! (sorry, Malaysia. its not that I’m keen to leave you or anything but…Japan!!)

(*Well, technically there are certain things that are impossible. Like, most of the nature reserves in Hokkaido. but that’s more because they are so remote that I’d need a car to get to them, and a lot of time. I had been disappointed that at first, but the more I researched the more I realised I would still be seeing so many lovely things even having to stick close to Sapporo. And Aomori. etc. It’s all OK. )

Listening To: LeeSsang - Tears

Untitled

This first week at university was very quiet. Maths, like always, started with no introduction. Yet all other modules were introduction lectures. Half of my telecommunications lecture on Thursday was the lecturer explaining what she thinks makes a good engineer. My electronic engineering lecture on Friday was mostly revision, with the lecturer trying to get us to remember our basic electronic engineering stuff from last year… thankfully in that instance I was not the only one struggling to remember this stuff. Labs have yet to start either, thankfully. Then it was Chinese New Years on Monday which means I had a glorious four day weekend- today is a Tuesday and I woke up at 3pm and spent most of the day reading. I had great plans for these four days involving waking up early and getting things done- my messy room would be cleaned, the mountains of clothes piled on my chair would be sorted and what needs to be washed, washed, and the rest put away, Japanese would be learnt, electronic engineering would be revised, math tutorials would be complete. Typically, I went into these four days with far too high expectations of myself. The other days went much like the others- sleeping late and lazying around. Tomorrow, I have class at 9am and a) have not done all the preparation work and b) have no idea how I am going to get up and not just, you know, sleep through it.

I am feeling very relaxed and slightly less miserable as the last few posts as I got my results on Saturday. Well actually, results came through on Friday but it took me one day, a tearful and deeply personal conversation with my mother and an entire extra large bar of cadburys chocolate before I could check them. When I saw them I let out an embarrassing squeal of delight and then sat there, laughing to myself in sheer relief. (I hope these walls aren’t so thin that my neighbours could hear this farce.) Oh, my results are miserable compared to the last two years. but I have not failed anything and do not have to take any resits. Therefore, if I just work hard this semester there is still a chance of me getting onto the MEng course. (She says, after just talking about how lazy she has been. Woops) I had to check a few more times before I could let myself relax but once I believed that it was correct and I was seeing it correctly it was quite unburdening. It was all OK. Not amazing, I am still disappointed in myself, but it could have been so much worse and I am so relieved that I managed just to pass. I’m very glad to have it all over and done with. I felt rather light and very, very happy.

I also felt slightly ridiculous for the long conversation with my mother, part of which was me complaining about how much of a failure I was and how terrified I was for the future. But admittedly, there was so much more than it. I talked about so many things I had been keeping to myself and it was terrifying to make myself so vulnerable and to admit to some of those things, and I really hope that just once my mother understands not to talk about these things I said to someone else, but it was also very therapeutic. My mom was wonderfully supportive- telling me again and again not to be so hard on myself. I wished, and this made me feel like I was three years old, that we could have been having that conversation face to face and I could have cried and she would have held me as she always does whenever I break down. It is amazing how often I can think to myself I really dislike my mother- I argue with her frequently and a lot of the time we do not get on- but when I am feeling so vulnerable I want nothing more than my mother. Because when it comes to this, when I am feeling low and afraid of returning to that dark place (and really, it is that fear that makes the unhappiness all that worse), it feels as if its only my mother who I can talk to and who can make me feel better. She has been to that dark place too so she understands that fear, and she knows how to deal with it. I admit, sometimes I do admire my mother and her emotional strength. And even if sometimes I find her confidence irritating sometimes I admire that too because sometimes I can understand she likely developed that confidence the hard way.

When we talk like we did the other night, it gives me hope that one day things between my mother and I will change and we will get on. That I can forgive her for not always being the person I want her to be and for how she hurt me, and that she can forgive me for the terrible things I said which yes, definitely hurt her, and for being the sort of person who can become so very nasty when she is hurting. Sometimes, when we talk like that and we actually connect and she actually understands me and she says such nice things to me, I think maybe we’ve already arrived at that place. I just know we’ll end up arguing the next time we speak and we’ll be back to square one but it was very nice having those few hours to feel close to my mother again.

I don’t know. In these rambles I guess all I want to say is that this week was not so bad and good things happened these past few days and it was so very nice to have those moments. Now I should really go to bed. its 2.30am and I do have to get up in only a few hours.

Listening To: sistar - gone
mood: awake

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