feelings – Page 15 – Honest Lies

“Why did I stop? Please tell me, when will I grow up? How long can I stay a child?”

This break without university has undoubtedly been a good one. First, I went to Thailand for 6 days and had a whale of a time with my sister. We took the night train (14 hours!) to Chiang mai where we spent three days visiting temples, experiencing the night safari, cuddling with tigers, spending too much time at the night markets, experiencing a day looking after elephants, then we flew back to Bangkok where we chilled at Siam paragon and the aquarium, learnt to cook Thai food at a Thai cooking school (though we both agree, we’d likely never make the dishes so tasty again!) and watched Thai boxing at lumpinee (=awesome) and got hopelessly lost in the maze that is Bangkok (=not so awesome). I got back and had a few days to mozy about as I wished before I jetted off to spend the weekend in Penang with my friend. It was only the second time I have been a tourist in Malaysia and the first time I have ventured outside of KL and it was wonderful. I went to the beach for the first time in three years and it was so hot and sweaty to be there, but it was so wonderful to take off my shoes and let my feet sink into the sand, to wade through the waves as I hunted down shells and finally, to sit down in the shade and read idly to the sound of the waves. Of course there was other stuff, too. I have posts about both these holidays lingering in my drafts, waiting to be brutally edited and in desperate need of spell checking. I will see if I ever get around to that. University started again this week and I am feeling hopelessly overwhelmed and unmotivated already. I think I will look back on my second year as university as one of the most brilliant (moving abroad!) and one of the most horrible (second year electrical and electronic engineering!).

I don’t look forward to uni at all anymore. In fact, it quite depresses me. I dread lectures, and I dread labs even more, and mini projects involving programming and real time systems I dread the most. This term is suspiciously light on contact time, which only makes me dread the sheer amount of work I am likely going to have to undertake in my own time. Not only that but there are a lot of labs. I hate labs.

I am beginning to seriously wonder if I should have listened when I told people I wished to do engineering and they told me don’t do it. I had a lecture yesterday introducing a ‘most pleasant’ module called “professional skills for engineers”. This module involves two individual presentations, a multimedia presentation and a group presentation. I started the lecture feeling vaguely unhappy about the whole thing, I ended it feeling in desperate need of a tub of ben & jerrys and a lot of angry rock music. The group presentation involves us choosing us our own groups, which for most people is a good thing, but for the shy, such things are not quite so pleasant. I shall have to wait to see who I am forced together with, and how it all turns out (likely: badly) Then there is the individual presentations which have to be on something engineering and science related and they suggest do something we know, as we are likely to be questioned about whatever topic we choose. And, to make it even more fun, the two presentations have to be on different topics. I realized as I was sitting there that there is nothing I know, let alone two things.

I am a second year engineering student and I have no idea why I am doing this subject anymore. What are my areas of interest? Surely I should know this by now?! Well, after much thinking, I’d say I sorta have an interest energy generation and renewables. I think that was one of the reasons I got into this subject and I don’t think anything has happened over the course over my degree to sway those interests to something else. But what do I know about these? Sadly, I draw a blank. I have no passion for this degree do I? I remember in A levels there was this guy who wanted to go into aerospace engineering and in his free time he built model airplanes. His friends all teased him but I bet he is doing really well with that sort of interest in the subject- that it even bleeds over into his personal time. In my personal time I cannot wait to get away from my degree. I don’t build circuits for fun, I don’t make myself personal coding projects, nor do I even read anything science and technology related (I attempted to read newscientist weekly for a time but it got too much…) Just why am I doing this subject, I wonder, when I am so…so ungeeky. When I don’t really have any passion for it. I have an interest in it, its not like I hate everything I study, but in the end, am I just getting by? When I talk to my dad, an experienced engineer, he can immediately talk about anything engineering related- he can tell me about components and circuit design and different technologies and analyse an unfamiliar circuit within moments. Will I ever be that competent? I certainly am not now, and I don’t even feel like I am even beginning on the path to that level of knowledgeable, as I probably should be. There are so many basic things that I continually forget.

I am beginning to doubt that I ever will become a competent engineer. I proved it in these exams last January- did I not? The exams were unfamiliar, and so I did badly. I cannot help but think that If I was a a good engineer, I would be clever enough to tackle even unfamiliar questions, because I would be clever enough and knowledgeable enough about my subject to apply it to even unfamiliar situations. With the way these exams went this January I feel like I have proven myself unworthy of this degree, or rather had it confirmed. I have never felt like a good engineer. I struggle so much with my subject. And with the way this subject is, most of the people on my course are the sort of insanely clever, well rounded individuals you’d ever meet. When I compare myself to them I cannot help but find myself lacking. I have always been aware of the difference between them and me, but it is only becoming more apparent as the degree gets harder and they continue to flourish whilst I…feel like I am being left behind. I feel so very unsuited to this. I wonder if they too are worried about what to do for this presentation, or if when the lecturer told us about it something immediately popped into their head. I wonder if they too are still floundering with no idea of what they want to do in the future, without any real goals and no passion for anything. Somehow, I doubt it. Everyone has at least one thing they feel passionate about, don’t they?

This is the thing, the worrying thing, there is nothing I feel truly passionate about. Well, nothing that matters. Being able to consume books like air is not exactly an employable skill. When it comes to those- what do I have? I speak just one language, I am terrible at sports, I am shy and reclusive, and then I am not even good at my degree. If only I could just be clever, if only I could have some competency in my degree I would feel more confident and more driven, but I feel myself stalling because I just.. don’t know anymore. I really dislike my degree right now. I feel lost and confused and continually disappointed in myself. I know that I need to overcome these feelings, that no matter what happened in January that I need to keep working but I cannot help the thought that it doesn’t matter how much I work, I will likely never end up anywhere with my terribly personality and how terrible I am at my degree and I think, well maybe I should just enjoy myself and read books instead. Its not good, nothing is good right now. I thought I’d be able to sort myself out with a good break but in the end I was running away for a bit, now I am back exactly where I was.

My room is a mess, my Japanese books lay forgotten on the shelf, my kindle keeps getting fuller and fuller, I go to bed too late and its not like I can ever get to sleep anyway, and I am gaining weight from binge eating too much. I am a bit of a mess right now. I have been for a while and I am at a loss to how to fix it. I just…don’t care anymore. no, not that’s not right. I do care, I care so much that I am retreating out of fear and trying desperately to pretend that I don’t. I have all these EXPECTATIONS and all these DREAMS and I am having to realise how unrealistic they all are, how maybe I am not the sort of person who can achieve those things I dream of, that perhaps I’ve always had too high expectations for myself. I want to be one of those clever, well rounded people. More than that I want to be a competent, knowledgeable engineer. But it feels like… I feel like I’m trying to squeeze myself into a mold that is not made for me.

I need to deal with this and I don’t know how. I need to do these presentations and act knowledgeable when I am not. I need to work in groups in labs and pull my weight but how can I when I just do not know what I am doing? I am dreading this semester. Not looking forward to it at all.

Listening To: SISTAR - Gone not around any longer
mood: awake

“Don’t try to block the sun that shines on me”

I’m once again sitting at the airport waiting to board a flight. that’s kind of awesome isn’t it? This flying thing is becoming second nature to me and more importantly, I’m becoming more comfortable flying alone. No matter how much time I’ve spent at airports and on planes in my life, most of it was trailing after my father. Now, I can do these things myself.

I’ve been up since 6am and I’m exhausted. It was a rush to get everything packed and my room organized and it didn’t help that the taxi came early, adding extra pressure. Yes, I should have done it all before hand but those three days between my flight and my exam flew by me. It was only yesterday that it sunk in that I was going to Thailand and I started to get stressed out running around trying to get everything for today and eventually, eventually I bought a bottle of sprite and got cup full of ice, then went to sit on a bench close by my halls…overlooking not very much. But the view did not matter. the fresh air did, being out of my tiny room did, taking time out to slowly drink my sprite and chew on the ice did, letting my mind wander as it wanted did. I thought of many things, most of them nothing very important but as my mind worked its way to the core of the… the heaviness…the tiredness I’ve been feeling lately I realized I was very glad to be going to Thailand today. If I didn’t, I fear, no, I know I would end up spending my time in my room, slowly retreating back to a dark place I never wanted to visit again. I’m very sad right now.. Exams left me tired, disappointed in myself and just, regretful and yeah, maybe a little angry. and, I realized too, that I am perhaps grieving. I don’t know if I am, I don’t know what grief is and I still don’t feel like I’m doing it properly, if there is such a thing. But maybe this slow, festering pain and this heavy weight settling deep inside me is grief. At the bottom of it, I’m 15 again and the weight of my grief and my disappointment is crushing me right now. I cannot wait to just get away, to take a time to see how wonderful things are despite all the horrible things that have happened these past few weeks. To come to terms with the fact that life goes on and whatever gets left behind.. I have to let go of. I have to get my mind back into a better place before the next term. I cannot wait to see my sister again. I cannot wait to go elephant riding and temple sight seeing and jungle trekking and shopping and so many things beside. This is going to be awesome. I’m a little anxious, as usual, but I’m excited. I have so much to look forward to.

(N/B – For those that notice the time stamp, I wrote this at the airport at the gate where there was obviously no way for me to post it. Posting is now that I have internet and time to read through and spell check!)

Post Title: Jaejoong - Mine lyrics

“I looked out the window and said this doesn’t look that much different from home, because it didn’t, but then I noticed the black sky and all those lights.”

Monday 17th December, 8:38am

My Father just called me to tell me my Grandmother has passed away.

Is it bad that I’m not crying?

It doesn’t feel real…

Tuesday 18th December, 1.47am

I remember the second to last time I visited Cape Town. When was it? It must have been about 4 or 5 years ago now. I don’t know how old I was. I don’t remember much vividly, except for those last few minutes spent driving to the airport to the time sitting on the plane, sobbing miserably because I was afraid to leave.

We were driving to the airport at night. My grandparents were taking us in my Uncles car- I remember leather seats. Something nice. I looked out the window at the night view of Cape Town and was captivated by it. It was beautiful. It was my home. I thought about all the reasons I could not and would never live there again and felt immensely sad. At that time it hit me- would this be the last time I ever went there? I must have been doing my A levels, perhaps I was in year 13. Because i remember thinking about all the changes coming up in my life- university, followed by a job most likely, and wondering where Cape Town would fit in. When would I find the time to return home? Would my dad be able to afford to fly us back again with both of his daughters at university (and him supporting us)? If I was able to come back in 5 years, like usual, just what kind of person would I be and what sort of things would have occurred in that time? I thought that I am growing older, but that does not matter, but it matters to my family. I wondered if it would be the last time I would ever see my grandparents and so, unable to get these kinds of thoughts out of my mind I spent the whole ride quietly staring out the window, trying to imprint that view on my mind, trying so hard not to cry. We got to the airport and I hugged my grandparents fiercely. My sister did so, too, obviously, and she was crying and did not want to let go. I let go. I continued to hold back tears. I stepped on the plane and sat down in my seat, buried my head in my hands and sobbed. (No, I did not care who saw or heard or what they thought of me. I was losing something, I didn’t not know what, I still don’t know what, and it was making me feel very, very sad)

I still can’t look at cities at night without, to quote Richard siken because it is so appropriate and sums it up so perfectly, thinking that it looks so much like home, except it doesn’t. It’s not home. I missed South Africa every time i looked out the train window at passing cities, their glittering lights, so, so. so wrong. Every time i saw that view I tasted that old sadness.

But this whole situation, of being South African but not, it was after then that I realised just how much I hated it. Just how much it felt like I had lost something I never had. Just how much I missed and ached for that something I could have had- that life i could have led, that person i could have been. And just how much it hurt not to know. all of it, so stupid and so easy to pick apart, to find the flaws in the arguments, and yet.

Whenever I thought of Cape Town, I felt sad.

Then, when my dad suddenly announced that we would be going back to Cape Town a couple years back I was ecstatic. Usually we go back every four or five years and we got to back in just two? It was amazing. I was so happy. So nervous at the same time. And also, relieved. I thought, ah, everything’s OK. Everything is how it should be. Gone were my negative thoughts of never seeing my grandparents again, of only returning to Cape Town as a stranger with no place to go, to an unfamiliar city that I had no connection any more. I stopped thinking about those what ifs- I did not think at any one point that would be the last time I saw my grandparents. I thought, no, everything was OK. Everything was at it should be. As it was and how it would be forever.

A few weeks OK my Dad phoned me to tell my Grandmother was sick. They’d found a tumour in her brain and it did not look good. They did not think she would make Christmas. How are you supposed to react such news? I said “oh, that’s terrible” and I’m sure I sounded cold but I felt detached from the situation. It was happening so far away and it was thus so easy to pretend that it wasn’t. That is how I deal with all my problems- I will them away so I don’t have to deal with them. Still, that evening, I found myself start to cry, just suddenly in the middle of writing my lab report. I could not continue my report. I ate doughnuts until I felt like I was going to throw up.I hated myself for that.

From then on, I started to check my phone obsessively, waiting for news.

My dad sent my regular updates, all of them much the same. Things do not look good. The unspoken I pretended not to recognise- prepare for the worst. its inevitable, now.

My mom flew back to Cape Town on a flexible ticket, to stay for 2 months, perhaps less , perhaps more. I felt happy for her, relived to hear that. My mom deserved to be with her family. Again, the unspoken undercurrent, the thought I would not dwell on, she deserved to be with her mother when she died.

I carried on with everything like usual. Its was so much easier to deal with by not thinking of it. I thought about sending my grandmother a text, an email- but what would I say? I’d never dealt with this before.

My Grandparents have always been healthy. And when they weren’t, they were there and I was here and it was all happening so far away- and whenever I saw them they always seemed so strong. Perhaps I was again pretending not to notice them growing fragile as age began to take its grip on them. Perhaps its simply because I see them so infrequently that I could put it down to my own hazy memory. This is how they have always been, don’t you remember?

A week ago, things were getting worse.

I started sobbing uncontrollably one night, and ended up reading through Richard Sikens Crush in one sitting, curled up around the book in the dark, reading by torchlight. It was only after I read the whole book that I managed to get myself under control.

Still, by the next morning I was OK. It still wasn’t happening.

Then, this morning I woke up, feeling sick and tired from a night of being unable to sleep and a lingering remnant of a bad dream. I had 2 missed calls. Sleepily I turned on my laptop and checked my emails. There was only the one- from my dad, telling me that he and my sister have put up the Christmas tree and lights. I noticed my sister looking a bit strange in the photo, eyes red, smile a bit forced, but I put it down to too strong light from the flash of the camera. I was relieved, thinking that the trivial, happy news about the Christmas decorations was all there was.

My dad phoned again. We chatted pleasantly about this and that. I laughed. I made jokes. Talked about trivial things. Then, a pause, and my dad said “The reason I am phoning”, something along those lines. Even when delivering bad news, my father is always polite.

My Grandmother is dead.

“Seriously?” I said and hated myself a little.

Then, again “oh”

My dad sounded concerned when he hung up. He knows me well.

I didn’t cry. I went to my morning lecture, sat and zoned out like always. I went to my next lecture but by this point I was tired and my thought were too demanding. I felt like doing something so I went back to my room and worked on my lab report. I still did not cry. I went to my afternoon tutorial next. It was very boring. I spent it juggling between reading and copying the answers down. I was samping a book and was pleased to find it was good. After lectures I went to the computer room to print out some work. I bumped into an acquaintance and he asked me questions and I answered in monosyllables. Afterwards, my brain supplied the better, polite answers. But I was tired. I thought to myself that I would simply not have the energy to speak those words out loud even if I had thought them at a better time. I printed out the stuff and was annoyed to find they had printed wrong, but it seemed too much effort to print them again so I just shoved it in my bag to be dealt with later, and then I went back to my room and did some work on my other lab work. Then, I rushed out and went grocery shopping. I stopped at Secret Recipe (a western cafe/restaurant here) before going to Tesco. I had Graptetizer and Arrabiata pasta. It was delicious and even if I wasn’t hungry, I ate it all and enjoyed it. I smiled a little when I saw the graptetizer was made in South Africa. I walked across the parking lot to Tesco, once again marvelling at how I live here. Here, in Malaysia. I headed up to Tesco feeling pleasantly full and quite light hearted. I put together food for Christmas- I was looking forward to cooking again, even if it was in a student kitchen with limited appliances. I picked out a pot and bought a sharp knife to cut up vegetables, I allowed myself a big bar of chocolate (the biggest I could find) and a jumbo can of pringles as a christmas treat. I came back and unloaded everything. I bumped into my friend and we tried a Chinese desert she had bought, that turned out to be plain silken tofu and neither of us liked it very much. She gave me a mangosteen. I sat and watched kpop videos as I happily ate some fresh fruit (but not the mangosteen. that was slimy and strange) I did a bit more work on my lab work. Then I took a shower and now, here I am, writing this…

It was an ordinary day. so ordinary.

How does one grieve? I feel like I’m doing it wrong somehow. Everyone in dramas is always weeping. I cried a little writing this but that is the only amount I have cried today. Am I doing it wrong? Even if they do not weep they show some kind of emotion. Do I dishonour the dead by being so cold and detached? I don’t know, I’ve never dealt with this. I’ve never lost anyone…

It just doesn’t feel real. and I don’t want it to.

Tuesday 18th December, 2.55am

I hesitated posting this. Then I realized I have posted things just as grim and personal before on this blog, so why not. I am sorry for lack of updates here. University is manic and now this… I will try and get the Korea posts done, because I really want to get those done, and hopefully in the new year I will be able to put more effort into this place.

Now, I should really get to bed and try and get some sleep. I actually have a test tomorrow afternoon…

Post Title: Richard Siken - Litany in which certain things are crossed out

Recorded Butterflies

Hello from Malaysia! I am currently writing this sitting in my room on campus. My suitcase lies on the floor still unpacked, and my shelves are crammed with cleaning supplies I still haven’t gotten round to using. I am avoiding cleaning and long showers and even going to bed as there are many, many spiders lurking in various nooks in my room. The past two days have been hectic and it is very weird to think that I have not spent a longer time here. Not because i feel settled or anything. Oh no, it feels like am on a very strange holiday and I will be going home soon, like this is not quite real.

Moving day came quickly. I was pretty unorganised despite my packing list which proved quite useless when I realised my suitcase was hopelessly overweight. I ended up leaving behind most of everything. The flight was long and exhausting, but the seat in the middle of my row was fortunately free the entire time,and the guy sitting at the last seat was pretty nice. Eventually I was in Singapore, gawking at the huge, shiny airport, in a state of excitement and nervousness for being there. How to even begin talking about what I did in Singapore? It was only a few days but my friend and I did and experienced so much in that time. Things that stand out? I think the bus journey to the hotel and stepping into the hotel for the first time, just staring at it all in amazement that I was actually there, and later window shopping in orchard road and making my first in store laneige and etude house purchases, eating curry udon that was too hot at nearly midnight whilst sitting overlooking the river at clarke quay, messing about in the long bar with my friend as we drunk or slings . There are so many good memories.And it was a good few days to have fun and ease into Asia- to have that time in Singapore to get over jet lag (I spent my first day in Singapore in bed, fighting dizziness and nausea and exhaustion but by the next day I was cool) and to adjust to the heat (the humidity, too. cannot forget that lovely sticky, sweaty feeling) and to experience this side of the world as a tourist first. not everything was perfect, of course. I was still taking my antibiotics and it was annoying to remember to take them. there were also a couple of moments where things were a little tense between my friend and I, and a few times when i did something awkward which was embarrassing but thankfully our friendship survived. overall, it was a great trip.

Then it was on to Malaysia. The flight was only about 30 minutes, but there was no one from the university to meet us at the airport so we had to wait for 2 hours for them to come, without anything to eat or drink and our baggage unclaimed. Eventually they came and we went through immigration and found our baggage lying unattended by the belt. Both my friend and I were furious. The university has not been particularly organised about this whole affair, and this ws the icing on the cake. We did make it to the campus eventually and got checked in to our accommodation.

From then on its been quite hectic. The days aren’t busy but there is so much to take in that every day is quite exhausting. It’s really quite different here. The weather is hot as hell, my room is filled with creatures I am terrified of, the food is ridiculously cheap but overwhelming in its sheer unfamiliarity. the drinks here are good though. There is this one shop that sells fresh juice blended with ice, which is heavenly and I’m helplessly addicted. I also tried bubble tea the other day, and it was nice but a little too sweet and milky to have an entire glass of. I am trying to be open minded and to try things, but it really is so hard to know just what to try and the portions are so large and its so hot that you barely even want to eat! Went to subway today and it was wonderful. The breaks for western food no matter how crappy it is are really so lovely, and I am not sure if I should feel embarrassed about this. I’m just not used to Asian food!

I’m also starting to understand why groups of international students always stick to each other in the UK- as these past few days me and the other students from the UK have been getting to know each other, and sticking close to each other. I’m pleased to know people though, although in truth it is thanks to my friend I came with that I know these people. :/ We’ve been out grocery shopping together and today we visited the town close to the university and were embarrassing tourists while trailing around the malls. its a small campus so we bump into each other frequently, and generally we gather together to have drinks or eat at the food courts. Everyone is quite nice and it is OK to hang around them, but at the same time it is so nerve wracking going through this process of making new acquaintances all over again. This is my third time already and I still cannot make small talk! I am surprised by how much I am enjoying myself despite this, every one really is quite nice and very friendly, although i am very tired. it is exhausting being around people so often, and overwhelming trying to settle in and trying to get everything done that needs to be done in regards to admin type things. as i said, everything is very hectic and the days feel long, even though they seem to be passing quickly.

I don’t miss home just yet, thankfully. Instead I somewhat superficially am longing for the things i left behind- the books i still wanted to read, the foundation i thought i could buy here but can’t, my collection of nail polishes, my favourite bed sheets even. these are the little things that made up my life back there, and the absence of them is what really makes me so feel so far away. So far i’ve skyped my family often, and i text my dad all the time, so it doesn’t feel bad yet that i cannot see them. adjusting to the time difference is a little weird, when i call my dad and he is about to have supper while i’m about to go to bed!

overall I am really just trying to settle into this place, trying to find some routine and trying to do things and eat things that might make me uncomfortable because I want to enjoy my time here. because thats always what makes one feel settled isn’t it? knowing people and knowing where to go, what to eat, thinking of my crappy room in halls as home. I really want to start to feel more settled here, and for it to sink in already that I am living here. Most of all I hope I enjoy this.

Listening To: Kisumai - Shake it Up
mood: exhausted

sky outside
It’s 5am (or it was when I started this entry). I went to bed in the early hours of the morning, when was it, sometime between 2.30am and 3.00am and I impulsively grabbed banana yoshimoto’s kitchen to read for 10 or 20 minutes to settle my mind. I ended up staying awake to read the entire book. I want to quote it, but I could not choose a single quote, because I would end up quoting the entire book, as the whole thing is profoundly beautiful. It is amazing how much the author says with so little. I cried for almost the entire time as I was reading, the words blurring on the page but still I kept reading, and even afterward I cried some more. I seem to have myself under control now. My face feels sticky- my tears seem to have left trails in my night cream or something. Currently the sky is light outside, I have my lights off and the curtains open, and I feel perfectly awake. I was going to start on another book but I suddenly felt like blogging and so why not. I think I need a distraction, something to concentrate on, otherwise I’m not sure if I’ll just start crying again.

I went to the wedding reception on Saturday. It was lovely. To risk sounding like Ritsuka from loveless, I made some good memories. No really, I was glad I went, grateful to be invited, even at times I did feel uncomfortable.

The bride looked beautiful, and both bride and groom were so blissfully happy. I didn’t see either stop smiling at any one time. Sometimes you read in books about the way people in love look at each other, and watching them together was one of those instances where I could really understand what that meant. I felt ridiculously happy for them, and who wouldn’t, seeing how joyful they were and how they looked at each other and how great their wedding seemed to have to turned out.

There were some awkward bits for me personally, of course. I clung to my sister like a child, following her around as much as I could get away with, because as as happy I was, I also felt painfully awkward, dolled up in clothes I didn’t feel comfortable in, surrounded by people I mostly didn’t know, some I did thankfully, although only a little. But mostly I’m not social and I was at a social event. Total fish out of water scenario. And there really was dancing and it was a terribly awkward, swaying on the spot wishing for the ground to swallow me whole kind of affair. There was also an incredible amount of cake and food in general, and I ate to the point where I was sure I could not eat anymore (but still did)

The musician was a live one for most of the evening, this seventeen year old who was one of those ridiculously talented young people that makes one feel somewhat ashamed, like you’ve not done enough with your life, being older than them and having so little that could make another person admire you. That kind of talent that makes difficult things look entirely effortless. My damn phone died so I could only capture parts of the performance, which sucked.

I did try the drink to relax thing but in the end that plan failed miserably, as the only alcohol I don’t mind drinking is wine, and that just makes me sleepy. By the end of the evening I was exhausted, probably mostly because of the wine, but still I can’t imagine what it must be like for those who had a bigger part in the wedding, and the couple themselves. I know my sister was emotionally drained. Although I clung to her because I was unsure, I also made sure to be available for when she needed a hug, or to lean into me for a moment. I am left wishing to never be a bridesmaid, and I did ponder what I’d do when my best friend gets married. (Likely, panic and be useless D:) The amount of work that went into the wedding is incredible, but everything turned out great and I think it was the wedding the couple wanted, which is all that really matters isn’t it.

Since then I have been back in halls, passing the days lazily, without much purpose, just idly wasting time. I think to myself that I should be doing more with this time, and I try to remember the things I had wanted to do when I had less free time only to find I can’t remember. I have too much time to my thoughts right now. I am very anxious about exams. This bizarre all nighter has been good in that way- allowing me to lose myself in someone else’s thoughts, and their sadness, instead of wallowing in my own.

The picture is of outside my window, the sky at this time is not as impressive as I’d wish.

I can’t seem to end this entry, or even to write it the way I wish. It’s very early, I’ve had no sleep, and my thought are disjointed. I’ll publish this anyway. It can’t be any worse than some of my previous entries XD

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