feelings – Page 20 – Honest Lies

drown

My parents recently went away to South Africa, leaving me the house to myself for three weeks. I’m not entirely sure whether to feel bad for enjoying the weeks so much and wishing they weren’t over so soon. It was amazing- I was able to just be without feeling like someone was constantly looking at my actions and my appearance and my words and trying to find something wrong. I could live on my own schedule, I could eat what I want, I could not wear headphones all the time and turn the volume up and even sing along if I wanted to, I could take extra long showers and walk around in as little or as much clothing as I wanted. I took over my parents bedroom so I had a double bed all to myself. It was bliss curling up in that big bed and reading by the faint light of the lamp on the night stand until 3am, or getting the laptop out and watching a movie curled up in bed until similar hours in the morning. I could then sleep in until whenever, waking up slowly, the house silent all around me, still and calm. I had my cat of course and I admit I was worried about taking care of her but I managed and she was good company. It was probably a little bad that I took to attempting conversation with my cat but oh well. My cat took to curling up at me feet, or on my stomach, as I lay in bed, waking me up in the morning by walking over me, following me around and watching as I ate. Cats are relatively easy company. They can be demanding but mainly they keep to themselves. It was a quiet time, peaceful and relaxing. I felt happy…and not at all lonely. The worse thing that happened was our central heating running out of oil and having to live in the cold, cold house for 10 days. Taking full responsibility of the chores wasn’t too bad. Cooking for myself was disastrous but I could live on an awesome diet of Doritos, sandwiches and various tinned food so its not like I starved. I just ate like whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted cos there was no one to tell my otherwise and I liked that even if my body probably hated me for it.

Now its over and everything is back to how it was as if those weeks had never happened. Sure there are the good parts, the civil conversation, the compliments and the “I missed you”-s, the having my meals cooked for me again (and my mom made me my favourite- macoroni cheese- tonight), the presents brought back from SA. But there’s the bad parts too: the nagging, the critiscm, my mother trying to fight with me, having to listen to my mother and father arguing once more. My sister comes home tommorow then there will be all 4 of us pissing each other off. It’s noisy again, its difficult again—

—and again I feel like I’m drowning.

Listening To: Dir en Grey- THE PLEDGE
mood: ?

“If you want to succeed in your life, remember this phrase: The past does not equal the future. Because you failed yesterday; or all day today; or a moment ago; or for the last six months; the last sixteen years; or the last fifty years of life, doesn’t mean anything… All that matters is: What are you going to do, right now?”

(via thinkings)

motivational.

procrastination

I was cleaning the kitchen earlier when it hit me- just how much I’m one of those people who will do everything in her power to put something off to the last minute. The only reason I was cleaning the kitchen was because it had gotten to the point where there was no workspace left and I was drinking juice out of mugs because all the cups were dirty. Its the same with other chores. I’ll only clean my room when there isn’t a clear pathway from the door to my computer (aka you cannot walk from end to the other), I’ll only sort out my clothes if I can’t find that one top I know I have but yet cannot see anywhere, I’m only contemplating cleaning the bathroom because there is some weird green stuff by the tap and it looks kind of gross. I am not unclean but I am far from clean. I will do the chores, but I will put them off as much as I possibly can. I don’t just do them for the sake of it, I wait until the mess cannot physically be ignored. If that makes me a little gross and horrible to live with then fine but its not like nothing gets done. it all gets done eventually.

Eventually. I am quite incredibly lazy. And an expert in the art of procrastination.

I am like this in other aspects. I finished my violin lessons earlier this year around September and I promised to keep in touch with my music teacher. I felt a bit nervous about what to say in the email and I got a bit worked up about it so I put it off and thus I have only just emailed her- in December. That’s what- nearly 3 months? :| I was learning to drive this year, just my theory nothing more, but I grew to dislike it so I took a night off and now it’s been about a month and I haven’t touched it again and most likely I’ve forgotten the little I did learn. When it comes to uni work I procrastinate and put it off until oh shit the deadline is only a week away and then I panic a little and rush to do what I need to do. I am not entirely sure this is the right approach to take- especially when it comes to revision. The worst thing that comes from not cleaning the kitchen is having to drink juice out a mug instead of a cup, but bad things happen when you put off university work. Things like failure. I have an exam in January. Somehow all I can think is ehh, it’s January. it’s ages away.

My attitude to exams and revision is terrible, even after all this time.

So note to self: DO YOUR DAMN WORK. January is not that far away. Just look at how quickly December came and is currently going.

Listening To: KARA- Jumping [REX R. Remix]
mood: lazy

“All these things that should make me stronger only hurt me”

I’m feeling really tired of myself right now. I’m tired of blurting out stupid things, I’m tired of not knowing when to shut up, I’m tired of being awkward, I’m tired of being shy. I wish I was one of those people who knew what to say and when, who knew how to carry a conversation, who knew what things are best left unsaid. I am so far from that person: I’m an awkward little fucker and I hate myself for it. It’s not cool or funny to be socially awkward, it is stressful and depressing, living each day with so many regrets, so much damn if only I said that instead of what I did or If only I didn’t say that. I can’t help but get worked up over it because that’s the sort of person I am- I worry and I regret and I am unreasonably harsh on myself. I beat myself up over small things and turn mountains into mole hills. Most of the time I deal with it, I force myself to rationalise my thoughts, move on and let go, but sometimes I get tired and it all catches up to me and I just want to curl up and sleep and hope that when I wake up it will all magically be better.

On Tuesday I had a presentation to give with a few other people in front of our group and I got so nervous and I messed up, I know I did and most likely let my group down. Later that day I met up with one of my friends from highschool to go to the cinema and it was supposed to be brilliant but it all went wrong. First I was late and then it was even more awkward between me and my friend than I remembered and it wasn’t her fault the evening sucked, it was all me. I just didn’t know what to say or how to act. Yesterday, I had my last day of university. The night before I was sad and I hated myself and I thought to myself that I’d like it very much just to sleep and not bother to go in on Wednesday for my morning lecture. I didn’t want to see anyone. I set my alarms anyway and told myself to stop being stupid, that I can’t miss lectures just because I feel a little down. Come Wednesday I woke up at midday with the vague sense of waking earlier- I slept through my alarms and missed the last day of semester 1. Not so secretly I was relieved. Yesterday and today I spent indoors wasting time, glad to be able to avoid people and responsibility. I can look forward to this peace of being by myself for a good few weeks more until Semester 2 starts next year and it all starts again- having to deal with the world and all those people it contains. It stresses me out and I hate myself for it.

Listening To: Mirage of Blaze OST
mood: sad

average

Today I was in the library with my group. We have this presentation to work on so our class has been split into smaller groups. I am in a group with the single other girl in my class, and 3 other boys. So we were sitting in the library and suddenly this guy goes to me “so 90.” and I don’t get it at first but soon I realise they were talking about a piece of coursework we’d had to do recently. I had gotten a 91/100. Pretty good and yes I did feel proud, and relieved because I had been expecting to fuck it up. My tutor had even praised me about it. I felt good about it. Until today.

Turns out the boys know my mark. This is where I get flustered and embarrassed. They tease me calling me “genius.” and teasing me that I should do their work for them. We joke around- I say yes I’ll do their work on their presentation if they pay me (jokingly) and they agree (jokingly). They all seem a bit shocked at my mark and I don’t get it, not really, but OK, fine I’ll go along with their teasing because the aren’t being sinister. Inside though it was everything I didn’t want to hear. Fine, be impressed but please don’t treat me like I’m some kind of genius. I’m no better than you guys. I’ve spent years watching my friends get A’s, listening them to complain about getting a B in a test whilst sitting there with my U. Feeling proud of myself when I go from a U to a E to then see them gushing about how they got an A and feeling like a failure. They were clever. They could procrastinate and still get bloody A’s. I’ll never be that person. I am not clever. I failed my A levels and to get into university (at first.) I failed my music exams, one music exam I failed twice. Do not call me a genius because it hurts, even if you’re just teasing me. It reminds me of everything I am not and never will be and everything I want to be. I struggle, I don’t get things at first, I make stupid mistakes, I need to read the guidelines/question over and over before I know what I need to do. I don’t know how to study effectively, even after years of schooling nor do I know how to revise effectively for exams. I make mistakes, I repeat mistakes and maybe I will then succeed, maybe then I won’t. I’m terrible at exams, at remembering information and repeating it. I am not clever. Hell I’m not even that much of a hard worker.

I am going to start to really struggle next semester when things get tougher, hell I’m struggling right now with the technical reports we’ve got to do. And I am trying not to think about how difficult first year engineering will eventually be.

I’m never going to be intelligent and I’m still dealing with that. So don’t even tease me about this one fluke of a good coursework. Believe me when the exam results come out, and the marks for the lab reports come out you’ll see exactly how pathetically average I am.

Listening To: ZARD- Good-bye my Loneliness
mood: tired

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