I have a habit of leaving things until the last minute. If I’m nervous about something or it’s a task I don’t particularly want to do or find difficult I’ll put it off, procrastinate and pretend it doesn’t exist and in the end I’m sitting worrying about whether I’ll be able to make a deadline or not. I never plan things out well enough (or rather, set aside time for things to go not to plan). The current situation I have gottten myself in is that I am waiting for some important email responses to come through and I realised belatedly I’d sent the emails probably far too late and now I don’t know what to do. The deadline is Thursday. There’s no one to blame but myself. You have no idea how annoyed I am at myself right now.
Tag: feelings
Joy & Pain
It’s less than one week until my first exam. Just four and a bit days to go. Scared doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. It’s always on my mind, I’m always counting down the days. A lot rests on these last two exams. I’ve worked so hard this year. Well fine, I admit most of the time I worked hard and some times I decided I’d much rather watch and episode of Galileo or BOSS but I’m only human OK? I did my best, and I did better than I have ever done before. So far my grades are good and what I need, I think. Currently I’m waiting on the results for a few course-works which is terribly frustrating as I need to know. I need to know where I’m at. I need to know what I need to get on these exams and I cannot until I know what my marks are already in my units. In short: ARGHH. Also I seem to have reached that point in revision where it freaks me out how much I just don’t get it and thus I find it very difficult to revise. It takes extreme motivation and willpower, and I’m not really a very motivated person to begin with. The more things matter the less I can bring myself to care and the more I put it off. It’s super bad but I’d rather avoid a problem until it cannot be ignored than tackle it from the beginning. (And if I can avoid it until it just goes away then all the better) I’ve almost gotten through all the tutorials, just need to do past papers and go over that which I’m still shaky on (which is a depressing amount T__T). In short: ARGHHHHH.
I’m really desperately hoping to get into first year engineering next year. Sure it scares me thinking about having to move out of home, having to make new friends, having to actually join societies and go out and do things with my life. But it scares me more not having that. I want that experience whether it will be good or bad. Being stuck at the same place I am now will do nothing for me in the long run. I realise this may not make sense but I’m scared of being too clear, of bringing myself bad luck by spelling out my exact goal and talking about how much I want it. (I wish I didn’t get my hopes up about things but I can’t seem to stop myself…)
I really just want things to be certain but nothing is certain and I’m nervous for/of the future.
(In short: this entire blog post could be summarised as “ARRRGHHHHHH D: D: D:”)
“But then I noticed the black sky and all those lights.”
Recently my father informed me that he was arranging for us (us being my family and I) to take a trip back home to South Africa. I am not sure how to feel about this. It is sudden and unexpected and wonderful but utterly terrifying. It’s been about four years since we last been back, maybe five. I’ve lost count. I remember clearly last time sat in the back of my uncles car, staring out at the city lights and the black sky and feeling sad, lonely and lost, thinking that it could possibly be the last time I ever went home, that I ever saw Cape Town again. I wanted to cry, and that journey was painfully slow. I was still struggling not to cry hugging my grandparents goodbye, sitting on the plane heading back to this place. Even now looking out the window seeing the city lights spread out into the distance makes me sad. So it’s amazing that I have the opportunity to go back once more. I vaguely remember last time was good and I’m looking forward to seeing my family again, of course. But at the same time I feel nervous and scared. I don’t know my extended family. I’ve never had the chance to be close to my grandparents, or my uncles or aunts or cousins. I don’t even know how normal relationships with relatives are supposed to be? How do other people view their grandparents? Do other people view their cousins as friends, brothers/sisters, people that they care about but are ultimately annoying? I wouldn’t know. I only see my relatives every 4 or 5 years. I feel scared seeing them again, scared of it being awkward and strange being around them and surely its not supposed to be like that? How are other people with their relatives? I don’t know, I don’t know. I love my relatives I do and I know they love me but I don’t know them, they don’t really know me. They last saw me when I was so young, now I am almost an adult. Is it going to be awkward? It’s going to be awkward isn’t it? I don’t know what to think about going back. I never expected it to happen and now that it is I just don’t know what to feel.
(Also on a purely superficial note it’s always somewhat scary leaving behind the routine, thinking about the fact I cannot laze around comfortably by myself wasting time watching millions of dramas, thinking about having to use someone else’s bathroom, sleeping in a different bed. Its always strange leaving home for a little bit and living in someone else’s house. I always feel like I am interrupting someone else’s life, imposing on them. its not like a hotel where you can run yourself a deep bath knowing the bathtub is clean and your father won’t nag you for wasting water, where you can keep the light on as long as you like and put the TV as loud as you like, that you can be as messy as you like as long as you tidy up in the end. It’s not like you are at home where you can retreat to your room and put your headphones on to shut everything out when you don’t want to talk to anyone, or that you can argue with your parents when they are being irritating. It’s someone else’s home and in a way you must be even more conscious of how you act. And I’m going to have to be surrounded by my family constantly which I’m sad to say, kind of fills me with dread.)
Basically: I’m so, so excited about going on holiday to South Africa this summer but at the same time so very nervous.
Thinking Out Loud
I am currently…
□ eating some Droste extra dark chocolate. It’s so bitter and utterly delicious. My dad recently came back from a business trip to South Africa and bought lots of edible things from there, and the Droste he bought as he changed over at Schiphol. :D
□ thinking of re-learning how to crochet…again. I learned it when I was child, and again when I was a slightly older child and although it was exciting at the time I never actually did anything with the skill and quickly forgot it. For some reason I want to start again. I don’t know why. I’m just bored and looking for things to do with my time. I should really learn how to knit because there’s a hobby which will be somewhat useful (I could make scarves! and hats!) Alas, I cannot knit to save my life. So, crocheting. Yay? Nay? I could totally crochet a scarf…is that possible? idek. Maybe I’ll start cross-stitching again or finish off the millions of unfinished got-bored-of-it cross stitch projects I have lying around (I have a short attention span when it comes to 80% of my hobbies. I cannot do the same thing for too long before I get bored and give up. I know that is a less than desirable quality to have.)
□ thinking about driving and how I should have really been done with my theory test by now and well into practical lessons. I am wondering if I am being an idiot for not taking the chance to learn to drive this year, and if it’s already too late, and if it even matters and at the end of the day. I don’t actually want to learn to drive…I just feel I have to. But do I? Can’t I rely on public transport, as much as I hate it? I will admit for the first time that driving completely petrifies me. The fact that if I got distracted just for one second that I could kill someone(s)…petrifies me. Having that much responsibility is not something I want. I don’t know. I go over it again and again in me head Should I? Shouldn’t I? and in the end nothing gets done. At this rate I don’t think I’ll be learning to drive until I’m in my twenties. Is there anything wrong with that? Should I be ashamed of that? I don’t know anyone else my age who hasn’t already gotten their drivers out the way already :/
□ Reading Happily Ever After by Adele Geras and The Cup of the World by John Dickinson. The former is boring me so I began the latter. I am disappointed in Happily Ever After as Troy by the same author is one of my favourite books ever, and although Happily Ever After is beautifully written the story…feels flat. I am bored of it. I don’t get love at first sight and love that consumes you so totally that you would sacrifice anything for it. I don’t know, I guess I just don’t know much about love in the end. The Cup of the World I am re-reading. I adore this book. It is wonderfully written and the medieval world with just a little touch of magic, romance, and a load of political intrigue is everything I search for in a book. I cannot wait to get through the rest of the medieval trilogy by this author.
□ Worrying about how in a moment of stupidity because of being sleepy from painkillers and boredom I signed myself up to go to the 21st birthday party of a dude in my class. So lets get this straight: it’s a) a party b) for someone I don’t know c) with loads of people I don’t know. Why did I put my name down?! D: I am currently hoping he’ll check tomorrow we are all still up for it and I can make excuses, or I’ll text him on…Friday the night before and say “Something came up!” or “I’m currently and not at all conveniently sick!” idek. I might just not show up: I highly doubt anyone would notice or even care if I wasn’t there. I don’t really have any friends in my class. Most likely cos I’m awkward and unfriendly and slightly weird (not to mention boring and totally uncool). To be honest, I’d much rather stay this anti-social for the time being. There’s a certain safety in being alone.
□ Worked up over the whole university thing and what the hell am I going to do next year?. I have visited two universities thus far and I think I have an idea of where I want to go next year but nothing is set in stone. Not to mention I need the grades. I am constantly thinking about this, constantly worrying. What do I want? Where do I want to go? Why do I want to go there? Can I acheive the grades required? I wish I could switch my thoughts off but the more I try not to think about it the more I do.
My thoughts are all over the place- one moment here, the next moment there. Over-thinking is a terrible, terrible thing. I shall now eat more chocolate and watch something fun in an attempt to distract myself.
2011
I used to be one of those people who wished in the new year everything would somehow change and become better. The past couple of years I’ve done my best to stop thinking this way. Things won’t change magically as the next year rolls around. Instead of making new years resolutions why not set goals right now? If you’re unhappy there is nothing you can do in the new year that you can do right this moment. Despite that I am in some ways looking forward to 2011 cos of all the things coming up in it. At the same time the thought of all those things happening in 2011 makes me petrified. 2011 is gonna be a continuation of 2010- another year of moving forward, growing up and wading into unfamiliar territories despite really not wanting to (until you’re up to your neck in it and close to drowning). I’m looking at 2011 in a kind of nervous, anxious, hopeful way: scared but determined to do my best.
I don’t have any big goals right now. In September maybe I imagined all those things I would do this year but not anymore. I’m keeping it small and manageable: concentrate on uni, do my best and work hard to get the best grades I can. That is all I want from the first half of 2011. The rest will come later.