I am back in halls. My dad drove my down on Sunday. I attempted to pack less stuff, but I think I only succeeded in packing all of it better. The car was still very full. :/ We arrived in the late afternoon and then I had to unpack everything and make my room livable again whilst my dad set up my computer for me. The afternoon passed by quickly and it was soon, too soon, that my dad had to leave. It was kind of sad saying good bye to my dad, realizing I was all alone here again. I didn’t have time to dwell though, as I had revision to do for my exam on Monday. I alternated between revising and organizing/unpacking and ended up going to bed pretty late. I woke up early on Monday, exhausted, stressed, nervous, and spent the morning revising, slowly becoming more and more nervous as it sank in that today was when my exams started.
I walked down to the sports center later for my exam and there were just people everywhere. I have never been to such a large exam in my life. We had to queue in order to enter the exam hall, shuffling along slowly, waiting for our turn to go find our seats. The hall was huge, separated into two halves, then different blocks, and it was more than a little confusing and overwhelming. I found out what my block and seat number were, but the seats weren’t numbered and so I had to ask two separate moderators, the second one thankfully showed me to my seat. I am not sure how i was supposed to find it otherwise. The exam began quickly. there may have been instructions, but I did not hear them. The place was too large, and there were too many people. I was still struggling to fill my cover sheet in (I did not manage to fill my cover sheet in until after the exam, where i was so rushed I filled it out all wrong most likely). I had gotten to the exam on time but I had been one of the last to enter due to the fact i was at the end of the queue. It was a bad, rushed, confusing start to a terrible exam. The exam paper was horrendous. Completely sneaky, and I am sure I made several little mistakes that fucked everything up. As the exam went on I became filled with a sense of hopelessness, and disappointment. This was maths. I had actually worked for this exam, maybe prioritizing it over other subjects. And still I couldn’t do it. I came out the exam more than a little unhappy, and ate half a chocolate reindeer that my sister had bought me on Saturday. (It now sits headless on my desk, although by today half its body is gone too). I then forced myself to revise some more, for my exam on Thursday and for programming today.
Well, I thought it was today.
I got up early, still feeling exhausted and ill and totally not used to this kind of routine, so I could go through the past papers one last time for the exam, which only started at 10.45am. I left a little late and had to rush to get there only to find there was no one there. I began to panic as time ticked by and no one was there. I eventually managed to find someone to ask and he looked at me strangely and told me “there are no exams being held today. there is one tomorrow, and on Thursday” and my panic turned to embarrassment. Well, that was obvious. Of course there was no one there when there was no exam. I honestly wished the ground would swallow me whole. I rushed out the building, sat down on a nearby bench and texted my best friend, just for someone to tell it to, just so someone could tell me its OK, it happens. I felt ridiculous and frustrated with myself. I then went to buy a smoothie and found a computer so I could sit down and check my exam timetable, and indeed, it is there in bold letters- 18th of January. I even checked that timetable this very morning. Isn’t it funny how we convince ourselves of things? I was so convinced it was today that I just brushed past the date of the exam, focusing on the seat number and other things. I realized as I walking slowly back to halls, and later my friend also reminded me- that it could have been worse. I could have thought it was Wednesday when it was Tuesday. It could have been like last year- when i realized at 1am on the day of the exam that I had an exam that very day. At least this time I thought it was a day before, not a day after. Oh, but I am so bad with remembering my exams. It makes me feel pathetic and i get frustrated with myself. I am nearly 20 and I can’t even manage myself you know?
But I forced myself to stay positive and let today became what Wednesday would have been- i came back to my room , gathered my things and went to Tesco. Then I came back and well I should have revised but instead I watched Boku to Star no 99 Nichi and then fucked around on the internet and now its 7:00pm and I still haven’t done any revision. It’s somewhat worrying. I find myself losing motivation, becoming tired. I admit I kind of wished my exam was today. I had prepared myself for it being today and it kind of threw me out that it wasn’t. Like, I wasn’t prepared for the exam, but I was ready just to get it over and done with. Now everything is out of sync, and all my plans have been messed up. I even skipped my Japanese lesson on Monday so I could cram for the exam I thought I had today. I feel like such a idiot, really.I hope tomorrow things go well- that i get to my exam on time, and that the paper is nice and that i can do it. I’m really stressed and nervous right now. My face is all broken out, and I’ve lost my appetite in favour of snacking on junk and I can’t fall asleep at night and I’m tired as anything and I’ve still got four more exams to go. I hate exams :(